by Shey Stahl
The guys utter their own swear words as we scramble from the water. It’s not like we go for a swim. It’s a quick dip and we’re out, trying not to get hypothermia.
“This better bring me the best luck ever!” My teeth are chattering so hard I can barely get my lips to form the words.
Standing in front of me, Barron brushes my wet hair from my face, searching my eyes in the pale moonlight. “You’re beautiful.”
Together, we exist in this nothingness. The world falls away and it’s just me and him.
Forever.
“And you’re perfect.” Standing on my tiptoes, I wrap my arms around his neck, threading my hands in his hair to pull him down to me. His mouth finds my jaw first, kissing along it until he meets my lips. “Your cracks, wounds… I plan to fill them all with my love.”
He laughs, shivering as he tries to warm me up. “I’d say I could fill you, but I’m gonna have to warm up a bit.”
I grin. “I’ll say.”
I didn’t see it playing out like this.
BARRON
9 MONTHS LATER
“Hand me that hammer.”
“Can I have my own room?”
“You have your own room. You just don’t sleep in it.”
Camdyn hands me the hammer. “Because Sev always wants to sleep with me. I can’t help it; she likes me so much.”
I glance at Sev, who’s sitting in a pile of dirt with her cat, not a care in the world, and I’m pretty sure she’s naked. Also, her hair is black. She painted it yesterday with spray paint, and I haven’t figured out how to get it out, so she has black hair for now. Or maybe we have to wait for it to grow out. We’re not sure yet.
“Sev!” I bark at her. She jumps at the sound of my voice, eyes wide, and drops the dirt in her hand. “Where are your goddamn clothes?”
Pushing her hair from her eyes, she points to the porch where she hung them on the door handle.
Beside me, Camdyn puts her hand on my shoulder. “Toddlers are so much work.”
I smile at her. “And to think we’re having another one soon.”
She shakes her head. “What were you thinking?”
“I’m not sure.” Reaching for the box of nails, I shake it, realizing I’m almost out. “Can you get me another box?”
“I’ll go ask Mommy.”
Mommy. Now there’s a word I wasn’t sure I’d hear my girls say. They knew Daddy, but would they ever call a woman mom? It took all of six months of Kacy living with us when Camdyn asked her if she could call her mommy. After hours of crying, eventually, a “yes” was uttered by Kacy, and soon after, I got down on one knee and asked for a forever. She said yes, and a month later, we were married on the ranch.
And now here we are, expecting another child who we conceived in those weeks after she returned to Amarillo. Funny how that works, huh?
Actually, I want to know how it happened because she was on birth control. Kacy jokes that Sev cast a spell on us and you know, she’s not wrong. It’s terrifying to think about.
I know one thing. When I built this house, I never thought I’d be adding to it. And now here I am, in the middle of a blazing hot summer, sweating my balls off and trying to add another room and bathroom before the end of September.
Five minutes later, Kacy comes outside, waddling toward me, barefoot and ready to pop any day. “You need these, babe?”
Pink-cheeked, she’s wearing shorts, and her tank top’s riding up so her swollen belly is on display. She’s the prettiest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen, and I find it hard not to drag her inside. “Yeah, I do. Thanks.” I take the box from her, our fingers brushing in the process. It’s then I notice Camdyn never came back. “Where’s Camdyn?”
“Folding baby clothes,” she gushes. “So cute. She keeps folding them and arranging everything for the baby.”
I laugh. “When Sev was born, she wouldn’t talk to me. Not that she talked that much anyways, but man, she was pissed at me when we brought Sev home. I think she thought she was a doll.”
Kacy uses me to sit on the edge of the framed room we’ve yet to get walls on yet. We decided to give Camdyn our room, the baby Sev’s room that she doesn’t sleep in, and build a bigger master suite away from the kids’ bedrooms. For obvious reasons.
As she’s sitting next to me, she looks between her legs and then to me, wide-eyed. “I either peed myself, again or… my water just broke.”
“Wait, did you say again? As in you peed yourself once already?”
“Uh, yeah. There’s a watermelon on my bladder. I’ve lost all control down there.”
I glance between her legs and smile. “Baby time.”
Kacy’s eyes widen, face pale. “What? No. I’m not ready. I haven’t even packed my bag.”
“Yes you did. It’s in the truck, remember?” I stand and help her up.
“But we don’t have a name.”
“We’ll think of one.”
“We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl.”
I stare at her, making her face me. “Darlin’,” I whisper, pressing my lips to hers.
She sighs, her breathing evening out. “But… I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve never had a baby before and I watched Lulu deliver her foal and that was messy. What if I make a huge mess and my vagina never goes back to the same size? What if you’re disappointed?”
“I won’t be.” I pull her with me toward the truck. “Sev! Get my keys.”
“No thanks,” she mumbles, taking a handful of dirt and pouring it over her cat. Who does not move.
Refusing to move, Kacy yanks on my hand. “But you might be. Vagina tightness is important.”
“I’m not really concerned about that.” I am, but I’m not about to tell my freaked-out wife that.
“Barron, I’m serious.” Kacy stomps her foot down.
I look back at her and realize while I’ve been through this twice, she hasn’t. This is all new to her and she’s terrified. “It’s okay. Everything will go smoothly.”
Those should have been my last words because no, things don’t go smoothly. It takes forever to find my keys. I run out of gas in my truck on the way there. Morgan picks us up and Kacy pretty much hates my guts by the time we get there.
“I told you I wasn’t prepared!” Kacy shouts at me, between contractions still holding onto the last traumatic hour. “And neither were you!”
“Just because my truck was low on gas doesn’t mean I wasn’t prepared,” I tell her, trying to rub her back.
She knocks my hand away. “Stop touching me. I’m trying to push your baby out of me.” With her head bent forward, she levels the doctor a serious but terrified look. “I’m real sorry I have a vajungle down there. I can’t see it anymore and my husband didn’t tell me it looked like that.”
She shoots me a glare and the doctor laughs.
“How am I the bad guy here? I was trying to be nice.”
“Nice is one thing.” I’m handed another glare. “Not telling me my how big my ass had gotten, that’s something else entirely.”
“Kacy, I need you to push,” the doctor tells her, probably hoping she’ll listen to him.
“I can’t be here,” Sev groans, standing up from her place after we tell her no, she can’t have the placenta.
Thankfully Lillian ushers the girls out of the room because it’s then it dawns on me that they shouldn’t be in here for this. That leaves me alone with my very freaked-out wife who is about to give birth for the first time. I can’t blame her for being scared. I passed out when Camdyn was born and was drunk the day Sev was born.
Beside me, Kacy starts crying and I grab her hand. “Come on now, honey. You gotta push.”
Her eyes lock on mine. “Okay.”
Five minutes later, our third baby enters the world. And when I look at Kacy, I see the day we met. Only us, a beginning, and this is what forever feels like.
He’s the cutest thing in the entire world.
KACY
I don’t r
emember much about the delivery. I was so freaked out once my water broke that the second they offered me drugs, I stuck out my arm and said, “Inject me, bitch.” Popping a seven-pound baby out my vag just sounded a whole lot better with drugs. I do remember Sev asking if she can see what the placenta looks like. And Camdyn constantly trying to make sure I was okay. And I remember the moment my baby boy took his first breath.
A boy. I was this beautiful boy’s mama.
I remember reading somewhere that when a mother has a girl first, it’s because she needs to mature. When she has a boy first, she needs to experience real love.
I think it’s fitting that I have a son because growing up, I’m not sure I ever experienced that kind of love. At least not from my mother. But my kids will never ever have to question my love.
“I love him so much, Barron,” I cry, holding our son to my chest. Our very pissed-off and screaming son that’s covered in, I don’t want to know, but I hold him. The way Barron holds the girls. The way a mother should hold her children. “I love him so, so much.”
“You did good, darlin’,” he tells me, touching our son’s head and then kissing my forehead. “What should we name him?”
I smile around my tears. “Austyn.”
“It’s perfect.”
This is perfect.
In you, I found myself.
-finding forever
I’m not crying, you are!
BARRON
A son. I have a son. A little boy to carry on the Grady name.
My dad stares down at the boy in my arms. “He looks like you.”
I fight through tears and nod, unable to give him any sort of reply. I’m afraid if I do, my words will shake and won’t hold the confidence I want them to.
Morgan takes him from me, smiling down at his nephew. “Sorry, little man, but I own the ranch, and Camdyn’s my second in command. I’ll cut you in on the family business though.”
I shake my head that he’s telling a newborn all this, but that’s Morgan. State the facts right away.
Lillian’s next in the room, Sev on her hip. Sev takes one look at Austyn and then Kacy. “That came out of your belly?” she asks, kinda disgusted, kinda intrigued.
Kacy nods, rubbing Camdyn’s back as she sits in the bed with her, helping her decide what they should dress Austyn in.
Sev peeks at Austyn closer as he squirms in Morgan’s arms. He lets out a wail of discontent, and she glares at me, covering her ears. We all laugh because you really never know what she’s thinking.
Kacy holds both girls in the bed with her, asking what Austyn’s middle name should be.
“We get to pick?” Camdyn asks.
Sev is the first to speak. “Damien.”
My eyes widen. Damien? Fuck. How dark is her soul?
“No, that’s dumb,” Camdyn tells her, rolling her eyes.
“No it not.” Sev pushes her. “You dumb. I likes dat name.”
“How about Christopher. Austyn Christopher sounds like a prince charming name.”
Sev climbs down from the bed and over to me. “They makin’ my head hurt. I’m hungry.”
I haul her up into my arms. “Okay, let’s go raid the vending machines.”
Before I leave, I take one last peek at Kacy, who is now holding Austyn in her arms.
My mind simmers on the moment I said “I do” to Kacy. That girl, the one wearing my ring. She’s five feet ten inches of wildfire crazy, and she makes the flames look beautiful. She’s not going to leave me because this life is too small town for her. She loves the fact that we have goats in our front yard and last week Camdyn brought a horse inside the house. It doesn’t bother her that when the wind blows, our living room smells like cow shit. She doesn’t care that I’m up before sunrise and back after dark.
She… wants this life.
She wants us.
Look at her holding our newborn son and the girls. That’s a wife. That’s what love is supposed to look like.
I can’t tell you how marriage works. What I can tell you is that loving a woman is an art that leaves even the artist questioning if he’s inspired or tortured. Kacy, she makes me feel all of that just by breathing.
Outside the room, Sev pulls a folded piece of paper from her pocket. “I draw this for you.”
I take the paper in my hand and unfold it. Her drawing skills have improved but I still can’t decipher it. “What is it?”
“Mommy’s vajingle.”
I snort and turn it sideways, squinting at the black and purple scribbles. “That’s exactly what it looks like, little girl.”
I was made for this life.
KACY
2 YEARS LATER
Whoever said you can’t turn a ho into a housewife really owes me an apology. Ha. I’m kidding. I was never a ho, but seriously though, I take being a rancher’s wife and a mama seriously.
Everything about Texas calls to me. I even like the wind. I could do without the cow shit smell, but it’s a reminder that this is home now. I’m raising my family here and wouldn’t have it any other way.
Speaking of cow shit, my poor little boy is now very familiar that you do not play in the piles of stinky poo. “Yuck,” he says, staring at his hands.
“I told you not to touch it,” I remind him, only to have him fling it from his hand onto the bathroom wall. Freakin’ toddlers. He just turned two, and Bishop tells me every day, Austyn’s the spitting image of Barron when he was little. I don’t doubt that for one second.
“Grandpa Johnny’s here!” Camdyn announces, peeking her head around the corner, seeing his truck pull down the driveway.
I lift Austyn out of the tub. “No more playing in poop.”
He nods, but I’m not convinced he won’t get into it again. I tell him daily not to pull Sev’s hair, but he does it anyway. Even when she threatens to turn him into a girl.
Wrapping Austyn up in a towel, I see Johnny on the porch talking to Camdyn. It wasn’t until Austyn was born that Barron finally came around to the idea that they should be allowed to see Camdyn and Sev. It wasn’t my decision to make, but I gave him my support. He told the girls about their real mom, though I’m not sure they understood because Sev looked at him like his head exploded and he was speaking some other language.
She said, “You crazy. Kacy’s my mom.”
And they didn’t talk about it again. But, they have a relationship with Tara’s parents now. It’s nothing like they have with Barron’s parents, but I think it makes him feel better that he’s not denying them their grandchildren.
Tara, she married that actor she’d been dating, and guess what? They’re divorced already. No surprise. She hasn’t spoken to Barron in years, other than the day she signed over her parental rights, so I could legally adopt the girls.
I haven’t spoken to my mom in two years, and my dad, he came out to Texas shortly after Austyn was born, but I don’t see him often. Not like Barron’s family, who I spend every single day around and love it.
Lillian and me, we’re best friends and talk every single day. She and Morgan, got married, and adopted a daughter about a year ago. Brenna’s three, and if you didn’t know she was adopted, you wouldn’t because she looks identical to Lillian. Long blonde curls, blue eyes, and a fiery personality to match.
Poor Austyn. He’s the only boy among the Grady kids, but let me tell you, he holds his own. Last week he cut Camdyn’s hair with scissors. The week before, set a pile of ants on fire because they bit him. Where he got a lighter, I don’t know. But that’s how Austyn defends himself. Eye for an eye. Like Bishop said. Spitting image of his father.
“Mom!” Camdyn yells, coming around the corner and into the bathroom. “Sev stole my tooth again!”
Camdyn, being almost eight now, has started losing her baby teeth. Sev, well, she thinks…. Okay, I don’t know what our dark-souled baby thinks. Other than she’s going to cast a spell on someone.
Drying off Austyn, I set him on the floor only to have him take off buc
k-ass naked through the house. “Where is she?”
She flings her arms up in the air. “I don’t know.”
It’s then I notice what she’s wearing. Crop top and cut-off jean shorts that Barron will probably destroy when he finds them. I certainly didn’t buy them for her and I know Barron didn’t. “Where did you get those?”
She looks down. “Focus. My tooth. She steals all my stuff and now she’s stealing my stinkin’ teeth.”
“Sev!” I spot our little monster running full sprint toward the door with the tooth in hand and her spell book in the other. “Give that back to her.”
“I don’t gots her dumb tooth!” she yells back, which is a lie.
There’s no catching her and I’m not convinced she won’t bury it in the backyard for some weird voodoo magic she’s working on. Sev’s in school now and though the other kids think she’s weird, I tell her daily, “You’re enough. It’s okay to be different. You belong.” Even though I worry someday, she’s going to cast a spell and set the world on fire. I tell her because I didn’t hear that growing up and I know she needs to.
I find Austyn outside in the driveway, cowboy boots on and nothing else. He’s also peeing on my succulents I planted last week. No wonder they’re dying. “Austyn! No.”
He turns his head, still peeing and urinates on Johnny’s leg in the process.
I slap my hand over my mouth. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.”
Johnny laughs it off. “Don’t worry about it, darlin’.”
Austyn comes back over to me, his boots dragging in the gravel. “Go put some clothes on.”
He scowls up at me. “No.”
Ah, yes, His favorite words. “Austyn Barron Grady… you better get your butt inside.”
He doesn’t. Instead, his sits down in the dirt and pulls my succulents out of the ground.
Boys. They’re almost as much trouble as Sev.
Johnny takes the girls out for ice cream while I lay Austyn down for a nap. That’s when I hear Barron’s truck pull in the driveway. I smile at the sound, carefully closing Austyn’s door and loving every single detail about my life.