Unbroken

by Riley Edwards

  “Does it ever go away?” April asked through her tears.

  “What, honey? Does what ever go away?”

  “The pain, the hole in my chest.”

  “Yes and no. Over time the hole will close, the pain will ease. But there will always be a twinge. And that’s okay. I don’t want that twinge to ever go away. It is a reminder of the man I loved and lost. The love we shared. But, I promise you, April, one day you will find joy again, and it will burn out the searing pain in your heart. But you have to be kind to yourself. Let yourself heal. You are not alone.” I winced at my choice of words. How many times had I heard Mac tell me I wasn’t alone? “I know you won’t believe that right now. It’s taken me five, almost six years, to believe myself. But I have finally realized, I’m not alone either. I never was, I always had people who loved me by my side. I just chose to not allow them to take care of me. Don’t do what I did. Lean on them, and trust that they are strong enough to carry your burden when you can’t anymore.”

  Man oh man, I had a lot to make up for. With both Mac and Reid. I had been so very wrong. In that moment, I fully comprehended how blessed I truly was. Neither of them ever quit on me or gave up. Even when I gave them no reason to continue.

  I would make this right.

  I heard the men enter the house, and turned to watch both of them walk into the living room. Shock was evident on Austin's face. I can only assume he, too, had tried to get April to sit up. Probably even tried to open the curtains. He was sugar coating it for April, though I would bet he too would slide into laying it out for her. He wouldn’t be able to help it. He was too much like Reid.

  Without a word, Reid walked to the couch and pulled April up and into his arms.

  “I am so fucking sorry, honey.”

  I watched as my big strong man held April in his arms, wrapping her in that shield, holding on to her, willing to take whatever pain she would give him.

  “I miss him so much, Reid,” she sobbed.

  And that’s when it happened, a tear rolled down Reid’s handsome face. I had to turn away. I was intruding on a private moment. I took a chance and looked at Austin, his face was contorted, anguish clearly written all over it. Austin felt this loss, and deep. I wondered what would happen to April now that Rick was gone.

  “We…I… we were going to wait a few more weeks to announce this, but I need to tell you now. I’m pregnant.”

  Holy shit.

  29

  John 15:13

  Reid

  Fuck me.

  This could be a really bad thing, or just what April needed to get through the pain of losing Rick. I quickly looked at Ava, afraid this was all too much for her. This had to be digging up some painful memories for her. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea having her here.

  “I’m gonna make April something to eat,” Ava announced and left the room.

  Shit.

  Austin caught my attention and motioned in the direction Ava went with his head. I gave him a chin lift in return. Fuck, but Austin was intuitive as hell. He knew my woman was gutted and he would go and check on her for me. Good man.

  “Let’s sit down,” I suggested and let April go. “How far along are you?”

  “I’m only twelve weeks. We wanted to make sure everything was ok next week at my ultrasound before we announced it. I had some problems in the beginning, nothing major, but enough to cause pause.”

  “How are you now? I mean the baby, is everything ok?” I asked.

  Fuck me, the last thing April needed was to miscarry.

  “Everything seems to be fine now. My progesterone levels were a little low. My OB prescribed me Prometrium, so far everything looks good.”

  I’d have to remember to do some research on low progesterone. I had no idea what that even was and how it could affect pregnancy.

  “Good, glad to hear that, honey.”

  “I miss him already.”

  “Fuck, I know you do. So do I,” I answered.

  “When can I see him?”

  Damn. Austin had texted me and told me she kept asking to see him. I was hoping that Austin had explained that Rick had left explicit instructions not to let April, or anyone other than the crew to see him.

  “He didn’t want that, April. His instructions were clear. He didn’t want that for you.”

  “Austin already said that,” April stated, her voice getting louder. “But guess what? Rick is not here to get what he wants. He’s gone. I should get what I want.”

  “No honey…”

  “Do not honey me, Logan Reid. I want to see Rick. Either you or Austin takes me to him, or I’ll find him myself.”

  Austin had also said that April was being combative. When I read Austin’s text I couldn’t believe April could ever be combative. She had to be the most passive woman I had ever met. A perfect match for Rick. Damn, I wish Ava was in here, maybe she’d know what to do.

  “Reid?” April shouted pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “Honey, I know you just lost Rick. Fuck, we all did. But I know that you’re feeling it the most. I’m gonna tell you this in the gentlest way I can. Not only did Rick not want you to see him, but you simply cannot. Even if Rick hadn’t let his wishes be known, not a man on my crew would let you see him in the shape he was in.”

  April’s face turned a shade of red before all the color drained out of it. It happened right before my eyes. I had crushed her. Understanding was starting to kick in.

  “Was it that bad?” she whispered.

  “Yes, honey, it was.”

  “Did he… did he suffer?”

  Holy fuck I did not want to get into the details of Rick’s murder with her. There were some things I would never tell her, things that would haunt her for the rest of her life.

  “No, he did not.”

  “Will you tell me?”

  “Fuck no.”

  She flinched at my outburst. That came out a little harsher than it should have.

  “Sorry. But no, I will not give you details.” I blew out a breath and settled in for the hardest part of the conversation. “This is what you need to know. Rick died a hero. Rick gave his life to save Ava. And by doing so, he saved mine. He saved JJ the sorrow of losing both his parents. Shit, April, I can never repay what his sacrifice means to me. Not to him, not to you and not to the baby you’re growin’ in your belly.”

  I heard a whimper from the other side of the room and looked up to see Ava with her hands over her mouth.

  She slowly walked over to the couch and knelt in front of April.

  “I am so sorry, April. I am so, so sorry Rick died because of me,” Ava told April tears brimming in her eyes.

  “It’s not your fault Ava. I know Rick. If he died protecting you, then he considered it an honor. He lived by a code, he believed the words he had tattooed on his forearm.”

  Ava tilted her head, not understanding about Rick’s tattoo. She had probably never gotten close enough to read it.

  “It read, greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends,” I explained to Ava. “It is a bible verse, John 15:13.”

  She lost the battle trying to hold back her tears. “I know that verse. Officer Barnett recited that verse to JJ when he presented Jacob’s flag to him.”

  “Then you understand. Your husband served so others could be safe, protected, and live. Just because Rick didn’t wear blue doesn’t mean he didn’t live and breathe to protect and serve. I am proud of Rick’s sacrifice,” April told Ava taking her hand and holding it.

  This was the April I knew, always giving, always taking care of everyone around her. She was a good woman, I was happy Rick had that in his life.

  I watched as both women stared at each other. Both had tears in their eyes. One in the beginning stages of her grief, one that had finally let go of hers. I prayed that it didn’t take April five years to find the happiness she deserved.

  “I made you a BLT. I couldn’t find your prenatal vitamins. If you tell me
where they are, I’ll get them for you.” Ava broke the silence.

  “I ran out, Rick was… Rick was going to pick them up for me on his way home.”

  “Okay. I’ll get you your sandwich and a glass of milk. Austin and Reid can run out and go pick them up. If you don’t mind, I’ll make them a list of things to pick up at the grocery store. When they get back, you and I can make a few things to keep in your fridge, so you won’t have to cook. But, April, you have to remember to eat.”

  She was spectacular. My woman was brilliant. Give April something to focus on, even if it was for a few hours.

  “Okay,” April agreed.

  “Good. I’ll be right back.” Ava got up and hurried back to the kitchen.

  Austin was still standing in the doorway, arms crossed across his chest like a sentry standing guard watching over April. I liked that for April, and Austin too. He needed something to keep his mind occupied. The last few days had to have fucked with his head.

  “So that’s Ava, huh?”

  My eyes cut back to April. She had a smile playing at her lips. I liked that too.

  “Yeah, that’s Ava,” I answered April.

  “You know, Rick has been talking about her for like freaking forever. Did he know, you know, that the two of you finally got together? I mean, you two are together right?”

  “Yes, I am going to marry that woman. And yes, he knew,” I replied.

  Jesus this was hard. So damn hard talking about Rick in the past tense.

  “Good. He was happy then. You know, he wanted that for you. What we had. He wanted you to have a good woman in your life. He was worried about you.” April lowered her voice so only I could hear. “Austin too. He said that only the love of a good woman would sooth Austin’s soul. He was worried about him.”

  Fuck. I knew that. Rick and I had talked at length about Austin. Rick was always worried, that was just him. He was a protector, and he was a fierce friend.

  Before I could answer, Ava came back with a huge BLT, and a glass of milk.

  “Here you go.” She handed the plate off to April. “Here’s the list of stuff for the grocery run.” She handed me a piece of paper. Then back to April, “Are your prenatals a prescription or do you get over the counter vitamins?”

  “Over the counter. The empty bottle is on the vanity in the bathroom,” April cried.

  I looked at Austin, he nodded his head and started down the hall towards the bedrooms.

  “Thank you, Ava. Thank you, both. I don’t know what I would do without the three of you. I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do, where to start, what I am even supposed to do. I just want to curl into a ball and die.”

  “We’ll get through this. Step by step. Word of advice?” Ava asked April, she nodded and Ava continued. “Don’t do what I did. Don’t turn away the help, and whatever you do, do not shut down. It will seem like the easy thing to do, but trust me, it will take years and years to recover from it. You’ll have to fight. But when the burden is too heavy, give it to one of us. We’ll carry it for you.”

  “Thank you.” April wiped her face. “I’m sorry I am such a blubbering mess.”

  “Don’t. Don’t you apologize. And there is no thank you needed, ever. I owe you my life.”

  “Ava…” April began.

  “I do. I owe you and your baby a debt that I can never truly payback. But I fully intend to do my best to make sure that I give you whatever it is you need to get through this. I promise you, I will not leave your side.”

  And for the millionth time, Ava proved she was remarkable. God, I loved this woman.

  Austin came back with a vitamin bottle in his hand and resumed his guard post.

  “Alright. We’re gonna run to the store real quick. We’ll be back soon.” I stood and dropped a kiss on Ava’s head.

  “April?” Austin spoke for the first time. “You gonna be okay here alone with Ava?”

  I stiffened at his question. What the fuck?

  “Yes, Austin. Thank you, I’ll be fine.”

  Austin met me at the door, and I bit my tongue trying to hold my temper until the door was shut behind us.

  Austin beeped the locks of the Rover and tossed me the keys. Once we were both inside, I couldn’t hold it in anymore.

  “What the fuck was that back there? Asking April if she was okay to stay with Ava. What do you think Ava is gonna be a bitch to her? Seriously, what the fuck?”

  “All due respect, Reid, fuck you. You think that low of me that you’d think I would ever imply something like that about Ava? I’m gonna chalk that shit up to lack of sleep and stress. I was asking April if she was gonna be okay with me leaving. I promised her I wouldn’t leave her alone.”

  “Shit man. I’m sorry. You’re right that was a dick move. I wasn’t thinking.”

  Austin didn’t look like he was ready to accept my apology. He kept his eyes down on the vitamin bottle in his hand.

  After long moments of silence, he finally let go. “FUCK,” he roared. “Fucking Goddamn. Reid, man, I’m lost. April, she is hurtin’. I was shocked as hell when she let Ava open the curtains. I’d been trying to do that all morning, but she wouldn’t let me. I was about to go out of my mind sitting there in the dark. And she’s pissed. I wasn’t ready for her to be so angry when I told her she couldn’t see Rick. No fucking way, April seeing Rick with half his face blown off.”

  I flinched at his words. My mind immediately drew up the image of Rick lying on the floor.

  “No, she’s not. Not a Goddamn chance is she seeing him. She asked me, too.”

  “Yeah, I heard. Ava seemed pretty shaken up when she heard about the baby, but recovered quickly,” he informed me.

  “She’ll deal. I’ll talk to her about it tonight. I really wish I’d known so I could’ve prepared her for that. A baby. Shit man, a new life being brought into this world without a dad,” I mused.

  I’d have to check Rick’s will and life insurance. Make sure there was enough there to take care of April and the baby. I’d already put in motion the house to be paid off. Over the years, I’d been lucky in the investments I’d made. I had funds set aside for emergencies such as this. April and the baby would be taken care of. Any of my guys would be if something were to happen.

  My phone vibrated in my pocket, I glanced at the dash display before I hit the answer button on the steering wheel.

  “Yo. Zane, what’s up,” I answered.

  “We secure?” he asked.

  “You’re on speaker in the car. Austin’s sitting next to me, we’re good on my end. But, no, the line is not secure.”

  “Heard about your woman. You got that under control?” he asked, skipping all pleasantries. That was Zane Lewis. Always straight to business.

  “Yeah, we’re good.”

  “Update on the El Paso situation. I sent Panther and Breeze, the Diamonds are neutralized. They will not be an issue for you.”

  “Anything I should know about?” I asked

  “Nope. Everything is five by five,” Zane informed me.

  I knew Zane would never give me details.

  “Thanks, Zane, I owe you, man.”

  “No, you don’t. Make that woman happy, and live a good life. We’ll be square.”

  That was also Zane, always watching out for everyone else.

  “I’ll send you a bottle of Knob Creek. I know you like your whiskey like you like your women; cheap and with a long slow burn as they go down.”

  Zane chuckled before he added. “Not all of us can be as lucky as you and that fucker Ghost. Both you men are so pussy-whipped, I’d be surprised you didn’t already shred that man card.”

  “Say what you want, but knowing that Ava’s crawling out of my bed every morning only to be crawling back in every night is a beautiful thing, brother. If that means I need to shred my man card, consider it done.”

  “I hear that. Be well, Reid. I expect you and Ava in Maryland this summer.”

  “Copy that.”

  The line discon
nected and I was amazed. In all the years, I’d known Zane Lewis, I think that might have been the first time he didn’t get in the last word before he hung up.

  “Glad to hear that situation is handled,” Austin commented.

  “Shit. You and me both.”

  Austin went back to staring at the bottle in his hands while I was lost in my thoughts.

  Maybe, just maybe the storm had passed. Jimmy and Carl had been disposed of. Suzie was on the mend. We’d all pull April through, though that was going to be a long road.

  “I called the funeral home, went over the arrangements for Rick. The coroner hasn’t released him yet, but they know what to do once Sally is done,” Austin said on our way back to the house.

  Vitamins picked up, and grocery shopping done, we were almost back to April’s. Austin added about a hundred things to the list Ava had made. Anything that looked healthy went into the cart. He was on his phone the whole time searching for what pregnant women could and couldn’t eat and drink. I think he may’ve ordered a pregnancy guide off Amazon while we were checking out, but I didn’t ask. If this is what he needed to do to get through losing Rick, I was keeping my lips zipped. There were worse things he could be doing than obsessing over the baby. Like drowning his sorrow in the bottom of a liquor bottle.

  “Thanks, man. I appreciate you double checking. The payment has been wired. Roni took care of it. She’s also gathered all the pictures and personal items from his office to pack up for April.”

  The rest of the drive was in a comfortable silence, each of us caught in our own heads.

  When we walked into the house, both women were on the couch. Ava was laughing at something April had said. Her head thrown back, smile on her face. April was laughing too holding her stomach.

  Indeed, I would live a good life.

  If in the wake of tragedy my woman could take a grieving woman who had just lost her man and make her smile and laugh like that. That meant good things for me.