Bites of Ben Urglar

by Ken Blowers

‘Boy? Young boy, is he? Like a grandson?’

  ‘Oh, yes. Yes, he’s my grandson. Quite young.’

  ‘Young? Good. That’s alright then.’

  ‘Oh, lovely. Yes he’s very young, probably one of the youngest Detective Sergeants ever, I should think.’

  You can’t top that, can you? So he never goes back.

  Another said he used to run around with a collecting tin for the poor unfortunates with incurable diseases. ‘Can you spare a dollar or so to help the needy,’ he’d ask politely.

  ‘Like me you mean? One old boy asks. I’ve got rampant consumption, you see. You get that by being face to face with somebody else what’s got it. It’s in the breath, you know. People spit on you without even knowing it. Would you like to come in, and I’ll tell you all about it?’

  ‘Oh! Is that the time? I’ve got to go. Sorry…’

  Another one says ‘I was going door-to-door saying I’m a licensed plumber and I’d like to talk to you about how you can save water, for very little cost.’

  This lady says, ‘Oh, do come in. My brother-in-law’s a barrister. He’s in there now and he’s just been telling me about a chap he got convicted only yesterday on a swindle charge about alleged water saving. He says there’s a lot of it going on. Hey, come back!’

  Oh, yes. Phantom Families. Everybody’s got one, or should have one at the ready. Do you?

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  23

  NOTHING WORTH NICKING?

  If I didn’t hear it so often I might be tempted to laugh out loud. But the truth is when I hear somebody say

  ‘I don’t have to worry about burglars because I don’t have anything worth nicking,’ I just feel so sorry for them… for being so stupid!

  Look, I cut this out of the paper the other day: “The burglars forced their way through the rear patio doors before removing more than 40 items of property, including three and four-seater brown leather sofas, a walnut dining table, four leather dining chairs, TVs, DVDs, a boxed cot and mattress, four PlayStation consoles, a mahogany grandfather clock, patio heater, Phillips computer and children's toys.”

  Now I bet you wouldn’t like to come home and face that, eh? Ah, but it can get worse than that. I’ve known some houses to be stripped completely bare, down to the toilet rolls and light bulbs! I’m not kidding.

  Whether YOU get robbed or not and to what degree depends not on luck, but on how badly the bad guys need money and I mean really need money, like no later than today and how easily they can get it from you.

  Well you can’t do anything about their financial needs and to be honest you can’t really expect to stop them taking what they want if they are determined to do so; but you sure can make the prospect of turning over your place a less than attractive proposition. How? By taking advantage of their weaknesses. They want to be in and out quick. They don’t want to be seen and they don’t want to be heard. They sure as hell don’t want to be interrupted, especially by the law!

  So, what you do is stand over the road and look at your house and ask yourself a few simple questions. The questions are on the left. The correct answers are on the right.

  Is your garage door often left open?No. It’s always kept closed & locked.

  Back and front doors kept locked? Yes. I keep my door key on a lanyard.

  Is your front door well locked?Yes. Two locks plus security screen lock.

  Are your windows screened? Yes. All opening windows security screened.

  Do you have a security alarm?Yes. A monitored alarm with warning stickers.

  If I was sizing up your place, you know what? I think I’d cross you off my list as being ‘Not worth the risk!’

  I might be poorly educated, but I’m not stupid.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  24

  THE OLD SHOE FLAG

  I was ticked to see in my newspaper that there had been a resurgence of the Old Shoe Flag in burglaries. For those of you who have led a sheltered life and have yet to feel the excitement of coming home from a wonderful holiday to find your home stripped like a pole dancer has never dreamed of, I suppose I’d better explain. Well you see, burglars, particularly the younger ones who have absolutely no experience of hard work other than getting out of bed in the morning, don’t like to be interrupted. You can understand how that would interfere with their line of thought: Shall I take this, that, or both. So they have to be pretty sure the owners of the house they are cleaning out are absolutely, definitely, away on some gorgeous holiday somewhere. In fact the assurance of that tends to spur them on.

  Got the picture? Good. So what they do is they walk past the house they fancy and chuck an old shoe in the middle of the driveway. Not one of their own shoes, I hasten to add, because the coppers, being what they are, tend to take unreasonable notice of such things. Anyway, they watch the house for a few days and if the owners, their kids, or their dog haven’t disturbed the shoe then that’s taken as a reliable indicator that they are definitely away. So the next move is to turn up early in the morning with a hired removal van and strip the place. They neighbours will, they hope, think, ‘They’re leaving in a hurry. Haven’t even told anybody. Fancy that!’ That’s exactly the way it is today. All too often nobody cares.

  The biggest danger is the owners arriving home while the clearance is in full swing. The guys simply apologise profusely for their mistake in coming to the wrong house in the wrong street and offer to put everything back, plus a bit of cash-in-hand compo if absolutely necessary. People are so forgiving.

  The Old Shoe Flag is such an old tactic and I’d thought we’d seen the last of it. I really did. But the old ways are usually the cheap ways, right? That will always suit some people, especially the young.

  The more professional people in the house clearance game today tend to walk past the target and take pictures using their mobile phones. Who would ever notice that, eh? Keen eyes soon check out the level of security and look for signs of daily occupancy. The top-line guys after the really big pickings, art work and antiques etc. – even come around at night, park outside and scan the house with heat sensitive cameras to check if anybody’s actually in there!

  So, make sure you have a decent level of security in place. Let your neighbours know when you’re going away and when you’ll be back. Ask them to report any unusual activity when you are not there directly to the Police – particularly sightings of any odd shoes in the driveway.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  25

  BURGLAR-IN-A-BOX

  I’ve only just heard of this one and first up I didn’t believe it! But after checking around I found it is actually true and it is. One of the most brazen tricks yet! Basically what happens is, the guys at least three of them, drive up in a delivery van, early in the morning. Two of them get out and lift a large, heavy cardboard box out of the van and put it down close up against the window of the house or shop they are targeting. They knock on the door and ring the bell, as if they are expected. Then they get out their mobile phone and appear to talk to somebody, possibly somebody at their head office you might think. Then they light up their fags and stand around talking to one another in a frustrated fashion like they are waiting for instructions, or maybe the homeowner or shopkeeper to turn up. After about ten minutes or so, they appear to get a call on their mobile phone and they pick up the box and put it back inside the van and drive off.

  If you haven’t guessed, what has happened here is that another man inside the cardboard box has neatly cut a nice big square out of the glass window just big enough for him to get in and quickly remove whatever they are after – jewellery, art work, anything small and valuable.

  You wouldn’t think it would work, but it does because anybody watching would rate it as simple a delivery gone wrong. There are a couple of points they have to be careful about, other than the usual care not to leave fingerp
rints or footprints and that is not to make real phone calls, which can easily be traced and not to leave any incriminating fag ends laying about either.

  Just be aware that strange boxes left out side your house could contain a bomb – or a burglar! You just never know.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  26

  SCUMBAG

  I was a bit shocked to hear the rumour that the Police had recruited a man to help them who, it is claimed, has committed thousands of car crimes since the age of 14. The cops claim it’s the first initiative of its kind, and I hope it is, or people like me could soon be out of work!

  Apparently this former jailbird offers advice on the telltale signs thieves look out for and the methods they use to break into a car. He also visits schools to warn children about the perils of the criminal lifestyle. Since he decided to change his ways and become a crooked crook, thefts from vehicles are said to be dropping by the hundreds. Mainly due to him staying out of trouble and him helping the cops put his former mates in the nick! I hear he offers the following advice to motorists.

  Car thieves will take anything; baby seats, expensive coats, whatever they can see through a window, he says. They are scumbags. I know, I used to be one of them. If they even suspect there's something in the car, then it’s probably worth while breaking in. If they see a mobile phone charger they will assume there's a phone in there.

  Most people know it’s a good idea to wipe their windscreens to remove the marks left by a GPS system sucker. However, if it is patently evident that only a small area has been cleaned this may indicate that a GPS has been removed, but is likely to be still in the car. To avoid this make sure you wipe the entire windscreen.

  People often believe it is safe to leave valuables, like mobile phones etc, on seats if they can still see the car - for example if they are just popping into a shop for a minute or two. However, it can take an experienced thief as little as a few seconds to steal such items.

  Thieves target cars parked in city centres on Friday and Saturday night because they know revellers, who will be gone for hours, will not take valuables into pubs or nightclubs. If a driver removes the fascia from the radio, they know it will likely still be in the car!

  Even if valuables are concealed, other items may suggest they are hidden in the car. If a mobile phone charger is on display, thieves may assume the phone is somewhere in the car. If copied CDs are visible, the thief knows the owner has a computer, which may well be inside too.

  One good tip, he says, is to leave your glove box open so the thief knows it contains no valuables. Leave the rest of your car as clean and empty as you possible can. I’d agree with that. These guys don’t waste their time. A couple of seconds is all it takes to check out your car. If he can’t see evidence of goodies worth risking a break in, he’ll simply move on to the next car.

  Why am I telling you this? You think I’m nuts? No. The chances are you’ll read it and carry on as you always have. When your car gets done over, you’ll run to the Police expecting them to put ten men on the case. Some hope.

  Don’t ever change.

  Ben Urglar

  27

  OPEN PLAN

  I was having a beer with a couple of mates when the conversation drifted to the subject of house design, principally whether the current trend towards open-plan was better than what one could call traditional - or vice versa. They were both highly vocal and passionate in their differing views, nearly coming to blows at one point. I wasn’t too keen on joining in, but eventually they called on me to make my views known. You see, somehow they had got the idea that I was very knowledgeable with regard to the subject, possibly because I let them believe I worked nights as a sort of contract cleaner, which, I liked to think, isn’t too far from the truth. I had, over the years, sometimes mentioned a few of the lavish places I’d visited. Anyway, sensing danger, I decided to dodge it, by making my excuses and affecting a swift exit.

  However, it is an interesting topic and knowing I can trust you lot to keep it pretty much to yourselves, I’m prepared to speak up and hang the risk! So here goes.

  I’m absolutely sold on open plan, it’s wonderful! When you arrive, you can usually see right inside. Indeed, you can usually see right through front to back; and with luck, side to side as well. The total absence of shutters, blinds, curtains etc. are quite basic to such designs. Even all doors, or as many doors as possible, are eliminated including, in some instances, doors to bedrooms, showers and toilets. You can suss such a place out in seconds rather than minutes and be pretty sure an empty house really is empty. That is a real boon. A gift from on high! There’s nothing worse in the trade than getting that one wrong!

  Contrast that with my place. I live in a traditional house, with lots of window coverings that are closed as the sun goes down. Every room has a door and every door is kept closed whenever possible. You could walk around my house for half-an-hour and still not be sure, not absolutely sure, if there was anybody in there or not! Some of the windows are even treated with reflective foil to keep out the heat and incidentally, totally prevent anybody from looking in!

  Oh, yes. I love open-plan, it’s so modern, so far ahead of anything else and highly suitable for other people! If you like it and love it, that’s good, that’s great. You never know, maybe I’ll pay you a visit sometime.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  28

  OK OVER 25

  You may have seen some of those OK Over 25 stickers that the Neighbour Hood Whingers are distributing for people to put on their cars. They are not too common but there are a few about.

  What these stickers actually imply and this is very clever, if not too clear, is that it is Not OK if the car is seen to be driven by somebody under 25! Get it? Apparently the overwelming majority of cars reported stolen are nicked by young people generally under 25 years of age. So the idea is that anybody seeing a car with such a sticker being driven by somebody apparently under 25, should suspect immediately that something is not right.

  Maybe take particular note of the driver and if possible, the number of the car. Tell the Police, the local Neighbourhood Watch, or anybody else that will listen. What they want is to make young people who might be tempted to drive off in such a car, feel all eyes are upon them and therefore deter them from their evil ways.

  Well, it's not like me to get over heated, but what hope is there for the young unemployed today when do-gooders do everything to stop them using a bit of initiative to earn a living or, should I say, eke out their benefits?

  Take my son Carter (we call him Car) Knicker, by a previous marriage, of course. Does his best to support himself by going around removing derelict and abandoned cars in shopping centre car parks. He must save the management of those car parks a fortune. But does anybody appreciate that? This OK OVER 25 campaign, if it catches on and I think it will, could see him go broke! Maybe even put him back on the streets again, living in cardboard boxes! Not that we don't want him at home to give me a lift with anything heavy, I hasten to add, but, you know what they're like some of these homeless kids today. Anyway, homeless doesn't necessarily equate with penniless, does it? I mean, you try asking them to explain what they do with their social benefits and rent allowances!

  Where will it all end, eh? That's what I'd like to know. What will they be asking us to put OK OVER 25 stickers like that on next: bicycles, boats, lawn-mowers, credit cards?

  Still, I suppose it does have a bit of an up side; more work opportunities, for people making stickers.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  29

  CHRISTMAS CRACKERS

  Do you know what Christmas Crackers are? If you say ‘That's what the Poms call Bon Bons’, you might be right. On the other hand, to people in my line of business, Christmas Crackers are the people who go off on Christmas Holidays, or any other holiday for that matter and make a big song and dance
about when they are going, where they are going and how long they expect to be away. You see, in my line of business we have very large antennas especially for picking up that kind of information. In fact, where it is not easily forthcoming, we may even indulge in a bit of odd trawling for it.

  It goes something like this. We walk into a small local retail establishment, the sort that's likely to know their customers by name of course and after a few well meant Merry Christmas type comments, we open up with a line like this: "Will you get a break for Christmas at all, then? Got many customers going away, have you?" Before you know it, the friendly shopkeeper or staff member, lulled into a relaxed Christmas mood, will burst into a diatribe about how overworked they are, inspite of customers who are going off here, there and everywhere. If they don't give names straight away, one has only to ask: "Who's that then? Where do they live? That big house, you mean, just up the road"?

  Now even if I'm not in the frame of mind to do anything about opening up these places, so they are nicely ventilated when the owners return, the information may well be worth money if passed on to those who specialise in such house cleaning or clearance activities.