Basketball (And Other Things)

by Shea Serrano

  Nothing could’ve been more perfect than this championship. Nothing ever was.

  1. With their 1990 win, the Pistons had become only the third franchise in NBA history to win back-to-back titles.

  2. Isiah Thomas after the game: “You know he made one shot today, going down the lane, the shot clock was running down. And he threw it real high in the air and it went in. We kind of looked at each other and smiled. I said to myself, ‘Your dad threw that one in.’”

  3. The previous record was 484 by Curry (261) and Thompson (223) in 2014.

  4. And James Jones, who was on each of those LeBron teams.

  5. This one, same as the 2007 championship, was not his fault. He averaged 35.8 points per game, 13.3 rebounds per game, and 8.8 assists per game, which is just a very goofy and gaudy stat line. (He became the first player ever to lead both teams in points, rebounds, and assists.) And also he was without Kevin Love, who’d had his arm yanked out of its socket by Kelly Olynyk in an earlier series, and Kyrie Irving, who suffered a knee injury during overtime of the first game. That meant he was going up against a 67-win team in the most high-stakes situation of all and his best teammates were Matthew Dellavedova and Iman Shumpert, both of whom are basically scarecrows.

  6. There were actually four Game 7s before the merger that were closer: the Syracuse Nationals beat the Fort Wayne Pistons 92–91 in 1955, the Celtics beat the St. Louis Hawks 125–123 in double overtime in 1957, the Celtics beat the Lakers 95–93 in 1966, and the Celtics beat the Lakers 108–106 in 1969.

  7. And it did. The Spurs won that game. I watched Game 2 with my eyes like a schmuck and they lost that game.

  8. The secretly best part of the whole thing was after the Spurs beat the Thunder in the Western Conference Finals, Tim Duncan, who, to that point in his career had never really done any kind of thing that could have ever been construed as trash talk, told David Aldridge, the postgame interviewer, “We’ve got four more to win. We’ll do it this time.” It was like hearing Tupac bark, “First off, fuck your bitch and the clique you claim,” at Biggie at the beginning of “Hit ’Em Up.”

  9. Together they won 126 games. Second place is Magic, Kareem, and Michael Cooper, who won 110 together.

  10. I’m pretty sure his actual best Finals game was his Game 5 in the 1984 series against the Lakers. (More on that one soon.)

  11. His stat line: 29-11-12. This is how Bob Ryan, columnist for the Boston Globe, started his recap after Game 6: “The Houston Rockets were like an unwary couple pulled over on the highway for going 3 miles over the speed limit by a burly Georgia cop with the mirrored sunglasses. It wasn’t their day. The cop’s name was Bird. The bailiff’s name was Bird. The court stenographer’s name was Bird. The judge’s name was Bird. And the executioner’s name was—guess what?—Bird.”

  12. We also get a great needling. Sichting told the LA Times: “My little boy hits harder than that, and he is 3 years old.”

  13. Outside of the three-point line, the main thing that makes watching old Finals games technically different than watching newer Finals games is that they didn’t have a bar on the screen all the time that showed the score. You don’t realize how essential that is until it’s not there.

  14. How many threes do you think the two teams made during that Finals? It’s a remarkable answer. Here’s the number: one. The two teams were 1/20 from the three-point line that series. Julius Erving made it during Game 3.

  15. The other two guys who have a shot at pulling this off are Chauncey Billups, who won it in 2004, and Andre Iguodala, who accidentally won it in 2015.

  16. Somehow, his pose after hitting the jumper at the end of Game 6 of the 1998 Finals never became known as The Pose.

  17. Cumulatively, both teams scored the exact same amount of points combined in the six games in the series, and every game was decided by 10 or fewer points.

  18. Neat thing: The only other triple-overtime game in the Finals happened in 1976. That game also featured the Suns (they lost that one 126–128 to the Celtics), and it also featured Paul Westphal, who played for that 1976 Suns team and then coached the 1993 Suns team.

  19. The highest-scoring game of any Finals of Jordan’s career. Also, and this is just a guess and probably wrong, but there was a moment during the third overtime of Game 3 where Barkley stole a bad pass from Stacey King to Jordan and then hit a layup to put the Suns up five with less than two minutes left. Immediately after he’d done so, he ran down the court holding his arms in the air in triumph. In Game 4, after Jordan hit the and-one on Barkley to give the game to the Bulls, Jordan ran down the court holding his arms in the air in triumph. I don’t imagine that Jordan did his move because Barkley did his move, but I also don’t not think that.

  20. He also tied Magic Johnson with three Finals MVPs here, too.

  21. You’ve also got the great What If Barkley Had Won This Title? angle.

  22. They won more games that season than any team in history (73 in the regular season, 88 if you include the playoffs).

  23. The Chasedown Block on Andre Iguodala at the end of Game 7 to save the championship.

  24. Steph Curry spent just about the entire season putting defenders into the torture chamber when they tried to guard him out at the three-point line. Then, at the end of Game 7, with the game tied and the championship waiting to be won or lost, the Cavaliers ran a screen play to put Steph Curry into a position where he had to guard Kyrie Irving, an offensive wunderkind, all alone at the three-point line. Irving danced on him a bit, then hit the three that effectively buried the Warriors. The universe can be a real cold place sometimes.

  25. Willis Reed did it in 1970, Kareem did it in 1971, and Moses Malone did it in 1983.

  26. Third-place gaffe from that Finals: Magic throwing the ball right to Robert Parish near the end of regulation in Game 4 (the Lakers lost in overtime). Second-place gaffe: Magic accidentally and inexplicably dribbling out the clock at the end of Game 2 (the Lakers lost in overtime). First-place gaffe: James Worthy’s cross-court lob pass at the end of Game 2 that was stolen and then converted into a layup, allowing for the Celtics to force overtime and then win a game they should’ve lost. If they win that game they head home up 2–0, all but assuring themselves of the title.

  27. The best summary of the effect of that moment came from Cedric Maxwell: “Before, the Lakers were just running across the street whenever they wanted. Now they stop at the corner, push the button, wait for the light, and look both ways.”

  28. The best Larry Bird Finals game. The series was tied 2–2 and he was playing against his super rival and also they were playing in a fucking oven and he put up 34 points on 15/20 shooting and also grabbed 17 rebounds.

  BASKETBALL COURT:

  WHO’S MORE IMPORTANT TO THE HISTORY OF BASKETBALL, ALLEN IVERSON OR DWYANE WADE?

  What you are about to witness is real. The participants are not actors. They are actual litigants with a case pending in civil court. Both parties have agreed to drop their claims and have their cases settled here before the judge in our forum, the Basketball Court.

  [The doors to the courtroom open. Dwyane Wade walks in and toward the plaintiff’s table.]

  NARRATOR: This is the plaintiff, Dwyane Tyrone Wade Jr. He says that for all of his success and influence on the way NBA basketball is played now and will be played moving forward, he is not mentioned nearly enough when it comes to discussing the league’s all-time most influential players. It’s unfair, he says. He’s a top-10 name, easy, he says. He’s suing for Allen Iverson’s spot in the Important Players in NBA History, Ranked conversation.

  [The doors to the courtroom open again. Allen Iverson walks in.]

  This is the defendant, Allen Ezail Iverson. He’s the sixth most important player in NBA history.1 He says of course Wade feels that he’s underappreciated. That’s what happens when you owe two of your three championships to another person.2 That’s not Iverson’s fault. He’s accused of not being as important as he allegedly is. He is counters
uing for Dwyane Wade’s 2013 NBA championship.

  COURT OFFICER: All parties, please raise your right hand. Do each of you, in the case now pending before this court, the Basketball Court, solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

  WADE AND IVERSON [TOGETHER]: Yes. [A side door to the courtroom opens. The judge walks in.]

  COURT OFFICER: All rise. The honorable judge Bill Russell, 11-time NBA champion, presiding.

  [He hands a form to the judge.]

  The litigants have been sworn in, your honor.

  JUDGE [SETTLING INTO HIS SEAT]: Alright, Mr. Wade, you are suing for Allen Iverson’s spot in the Important Players in NBA History, Ranked conversation because, according to you [He looks at the form.], you think you’re at least as important to NBA history as he was. Is that correct?

  WADE: Yes, sir.

  JUDGE [TO IVERSON]: And you are countersuing Mr. Wade for [He looks at the form again.] his 2013 NBA championship?

  IVERSON: Yes, sir.

  JUDGE: Why?

  IVERSON: I just want it, your honor.

  [Crowd laughs a tiny amount.]

  JUDGE [TO WADE]: Let’s get started. Talk to me, Mr. Wade. What’s going on here?

  WADE: It’s simple. I think that Allen Iverson’s placement in the Important Players in NBA History, Ranked conversation is suspect. I don’t feel he deserves to be as high up as he is. I think I’ve been way more important to not only the micro view of the NBA, but also the macro view. We can star—

  IVERSON [TO WADE, INTERRUPTING]: Micro, macro, macaroni, Makaveli. What are you even talking about? What have you ever done? Better question: What have you ever done first? Firsts are important. Firsts are iconic. Iconic moments are important. All of your best moments are like the half-off versions of more iconic moments from other players.

  JUDGE [TO IVERSON]: Please direct your statements and issues to me, Mr. Iverson. What do you mean?

  IVERSON [TO THE JUDGE]: Okay, I first noticed it in 2009, your honor. The Heat were playing the Cavs. This was back when LeBron was with the Cavs the first time so it was LeBron vs. Wade, so everyone was watching. And there was a play in the first quarter where LeBron went in for a dunk and it got blocked. Wade grabbed the loose ball, took off down the court, charged into the lane, then rose up and dunked it over Anderson Varejão, and he did it with such force that it knocked Varejão onto the ground. Now, Wade’s momentum was clearly carrying him in one direction. But Wade very deliberately stopped, pivoted, then walked back in the opposite direction just so he could step over Varejão while Varejão was on the floor. It was contrived.3 That’s my imprint. Does he ever even think to do that if I don’t do The Step Over against Tyronn Lue in the 2001 Finals?

  WADE: You’re not the only one who can step over people, Allen. I step over people all the time.

  IVERSON: [He makes a very Get the Fuck Outta Here face at Wade.]

  WADE: Your honor, when my first son was born—I’ll never forget this—when my first son was born I remember the doctor handed him to me. I looked at him. That little baby looked at me. A lot of people say babies can’t look at you when they’re first born, but my son did. He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. And you know what I did? I took him and I set him down right on that hospital floor and then I stepped over him. It was the first thing I did as a father.

  JUDGE: Mr. Iverson, please expand on your comment. The implication was that there were more instances like that. Are there?

  IVERSON: Sure. There was a time during a 2010 playoff game against the Celtics where he hit five 3s in a half and then stared at his hand and pretended it was on fire. That’s like what Jordan did when he hit six 3s in a half against the Trail Blazers in the 1992 Finals and then gave The Shrug to the announcers, except less classic. There was a time where he tried to have his own version of The Flu Game, another Jordan rip-off. Jordan did his in the Finals against Stockton and Malone and the Jazz, Wade did his in a December game against Trey Burke and the Jazz. There was the time he shot a game winner from just beyond the elbow and it hit the front of the rim, bounced straight up, then fell in the rim at the buzzer. Ralph Sampson had a shot that did the exact same thing, except his shot sent his team to the 1986 NBA Finals. Wade’s sent his team to the team plane so they could go to their next regular season game. He’s like the MetroPCS of players.

  JUDGE [TO WADE]: Any response to these?

  WADE: I can’t control what the ball does when I shoot it, your honor. I shot it, it hit the rim, it went in. But I guess since we’re talking about firsts, why don’t the three of us share what it was like when each of us won the first of our multiple championships. Championships are important, right A.I.? We’re talking about important things, right?

  IVERSON: Man, come on.

  JUDGE: We’re not comparing numbers here, Mr. Wade. Stats alone do not equate importance or influence.

  WADE [TO JUDGE]: Your honor, did you know that I’m one of only seven players in NBA history to have at least 2,000 points, 500 assists, and 150 steals in a single season?4 Sounds important to me.

  IVERSON [TO WADE]: Bro, I did that twice.5

  JUDGE: I won’t tell you again, Mr. Wade. We’re discussing importance and influence. We’re trying to figure out whether or not you’ve had a greater impact on basketball than Mr. Iverson. That’s it. Argue toward that.

  WADE: How about this angle, then: The style of play that Iverson brought into the league, the Shoot-First Point Guard, which was wildly inefficient, that whole style is dead now. The NBA doesn’t run like that anymore. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that the period of time when Iverson was really at his greatest also generally coincides with the time period considered by many to be among the worst of any NBA era. It’s a whole new league now, and it will very, very, very likely never go back to that style. That has to take away from Iverson’s influence, doesn’t it? How can you say a person is truly important if his fingerprints aren’t on the game anymore?

  Meanwhile, I convinced LeBron and Chris Bosh to come to Miami and play with me, and within that one thing you find the two big pieces of my argument for taking Iverson’s spot.

  First, all of everything that happened in the NBA from 2010 going forward, it was all part of the reverb of me getting LeBron to Miami. It was a response to that move. I mean, that’s an insane storyline. How different does the NBA look today if LeBron never left Cleveland that first time for Miami? Does Kevin Durant still go to the Warriors? Do the Bulls make the Finals in 2011? Does Paul George still break his leg in that exhibition game?6 Does Linsanity still happen? Is the 2013 NBA Draft still so terrible? Does Tom Thibodeau take Derrick Rose out in the fourth quarter of that easy-win playoff game before Derrick Rose’s knee goes out? And it just keeps going and going like that. Cleveland for sure never gets Kyrie and probably doesn’t get Kevin Love either, so LeBron probably never gets his title, which would’ve been an incredibly unjust way for the universe to treat him. There are so many spider legs there.

  IVERSON [TO WADE]: What the fuck are you talking about spider legs?

  WADE: So that’s one way I was very important: The whole NBA landscape would look different if I don’t get LeBron and Bosh to Miami. Second, and this is even bigger, but our championship Heat teams—we were really the true Super Team of that era. I don’t even just mean the numbers stuff, either. I mean, okay, we were the first-ever team to win 17 games in a calendar month, and also the first team to go to at least four straight Finals since the Celtics.7 But what I mean is it is within reason to say that our Heat team solidified Super Teams, and more than that, we even set the framework in place for the Team-First version of basketball that all the teams in the league aspire to now.

  IVERSON [TO WADE]: You should probably do some stretches before you try and reach like that.

  WADE [IGNORING IVERSON]: So you have all of those things, all of those ways that basketball moves forward, and there’s one person at the center of it . . .

>   IVERSON: Yeah, LeBron.

  WADE: . . . Dwyane Tyrone Wade Jr., the new sixth most important player in the history of the NBA. And that’s nothing to say of the fact that there was a very real stretch of time when I was arguably the best basketball player on the planet, which is its own argument.

  JUDGE [TO IVERSON]: Would you like to respond? IVERSON: Yes. Let me shoot some holes in all these untruths. First, he mentioned the Shoot-First thing, and while doing so he said that the NBA doesn’t work like that. So then how do we explain Steph Curry and Russell Westbrook and Kyrie Irving and Damian Lillard and John Wall and all them?

  WADE: You know whose name you didn’t say? Chris Paul, maybe the best point guard in the league for a decade.

  IVERSON [TO WADE]: Chris Paul literally called me the most influential player of all time, so what are you even talking about? 8

  [Turns to address the judge.]

  It ain’t that hard, your honor. You can point to the way I almost single-handedly forced the league to create a dress code for players. You can point to how I helped to show that smaller guys could be as big as the biggest guys. You can point to the way I took the tattoos and cornrows and shooting sleeves and other things like that and turned them into a thesis statement for my own existence. But what I am, above all those things, or maybe with the confluence of all those things—what I am is the embodiment of the fusion of hip-hop culture and basketball culture.