by Shea Serrano
Those two things had always been connected, always been intertwined, at least as far back as those two things being very popular are concerned. But when I showed up, it was like those two things got mushed together so perfectly and so thoroughly that they would never ever again be able to be pulled apart from one another. Dr. J did a version of that, M.J. did a version of that, and I did a version of that. That’s where the line ends. Wade ain’t in that line.
JUDGE: Is that it?
[Crowd laughs a tiny bit.]
IVERSON: There’s also The Crossover.
[The courtroom falls into a hush.]
[There’s a prolonged pause of silence.]
[Everyone trades glances.]
[Judge Bill Russell looks through his notes one last time.]
[He looks up at the litigants.]
JUDGE: Anything else?
IVERSON: I took fucking Eric Snow and Matt
Geiger to the Finals, your honor.
[The courtroom erupts in raucous applause and hollering.]
JUDGE [BANGING HIS GAVEL]: Order! Order in the court! I will have order in the court!
IVERSON: Sorry, your honor.
JUDGE: Upon hearing both sides, the rulings are as such: Mr. Wade, while you and your contributions to the style and evolution of the NBA and its storylines and its play are surely undervalued historically, you are not, in totality, more important and more deserving of Mr. Iverson’s spot in the Important Players in NBA History, Ranked conversation than Mr. Iverson is, so I am finding in Mr. Iverson’s favor there. Verdict for the defendant. He gets to remain the sixth most important player in the history of the NBA. You are welcome to have Dirk Nowitzki’s spot in that conversation, if you’d like it, Mr. Wade.
Mr. Iverson, in your countersuit against Mr. Wade, wherein you are suing to gain ownership of Mr. Wade’s 2013 NBA Championship, I also find in your favor. Verdict for the defendant, you are now a one-time NBA champion. Court is adjourned.
[Bangs gavel.]
1. It goes Jordan, Russell, Wilt, Magic, Bird, Iverson. And to reiterate: We’re talking about important, not best.
2. Oh, hey, LeBron.
3. Dwyane Wade is kind of a nerd so he catches a lot of slack for being so clunky in his attempts to throw his coolness around, but it cannot be said that he doesn’t understand the importance of good basketball theater. If there was a moment to be had in a big game when he was at his apex, he would have it. Another great one he pulled off against the Cavs was in 2007 when he stole the ball, dribbled it down the sideline, dribbled it to himself around a player who was trying to draw a charge (Sasha Pavlovic), then lobbed it up from beyond the three-point line for an alley-oop to Shaq, who was playing for the Heat, because he played for, like, 25 fucking teams during his last few years in the league.
4. 2009.
5. 2005 and 2008.
6. I’d say no. I’d say the Pacers would’ve either won the 2014 NBA Finals or lost the 2014 NBA Finals. Either way, they’d have gotten there, and that probably would’ve been enough to make PG skip it so he could rest up a little during the summer.
7. 1984–1987.
8. “I grew up in North Carolina and I loved Michael Jordan to death, but I think Allen Iverson had a bigger influence on the game of basketball than anybody. You know, I don’t even think it’s close.” Chris Paul, talking to a media scrum following Iverson’s retirement announcement.
HOW DO PLAYERS’ LEGACIES CHANGE IF WE CHANGE THEIR NAMES?
A couple of summers ago, I was riding around Houston with two of my three sons in the car. My phone was connected to my radio and Eric B. & Rakim’s Paid in Full was playing.
Paid in Full, which came out in 1987, is a great rap album to play when your children are with you because it’s one of the greatest rap albums of all time, and history is important, so that’s one reason. But it’s also great to play because there aren’t really many curse words in it. Were I to guess, it’s the rap album my sons have heard more times than any other rap album, really. But so since I knew they’d heard it a bunch, I asked them if they knew who it was by. This is the conversation:
ME: Do you remember who this is?
BOY A: No.
ME: Eric B. and . . .
BOY A: . . . I don’t know.
ME: It starts with an R.
BOY A: Oh! I know!
ME: Thank you!
BOY A: Eric B. and Rodney!
Rodney. Eric. B and Rodney. That’s what he thought. Paid in Full is an especially influential album. It moved rap forward in an almost uncountable number of ways. And I feel like there’s just no way possible that album would’ve happened if Rakim had gone by the name Rappin’ Rodney or some shit like that. It had to be “Rakim.” That album’s history was such that it needed to be made by a person with a name as heavy and influential as that. It just wouldn’t have come to fruition otherwise.
(I’m realizing as I type this out right now that this is a kind of clumsy manner in which to make my way into a book chapter where I just change the first or last name of an NBA player and then make up an alternate legacy for him, like if Michael Jordan had been born Morgan Jordan or if Bill Russell had been born Phil Russell, but the general premise is clumsy itself so it all makes sense.)
(I don’t know.)
(Whatever.)
(Let’s just start.)
MORGAN JORDAN: Morgan Jordan got a job as an accountant at a midlevel accounting firm when he was 23. He and his friends had a big laugh at the small party he had for his 10-year anniversary when the cake showed up and they realized the bakery had accidentally transposed the g and the d in his first and last names. “Hold on,” one of his friends said. “Does that say, ‘Congratulations, Mordan Jorgan!’?” It became a running joke until the day he retired, 19 years later. He really loved his job there. Retirement was hard for him.
LEBRON JONES: He still made it into the NBA because “LeBron” alone is a strong enough name to get him there. His time there, though, was considerably shorter and also considerably less spectacular. He was drafted in the second round. He played two seasons for the Pacers (3.2 ppg) before getting bounced down to their D-League affiliate, the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. He washed out from there before enjoying a fine career as a solid role player on a team in the Italian League.
WILT CHAMBERLORD: Wilt Chamberlord was an even more dominant basketball player than Wilt Chamberlain. Adding “-lord” to someone’s last name is always an upgrade. Imagine Sylvester Stallonelord or Serena Williamslord.
PHIL RUSSELL: Phil Russell became an activist, though he was never able to stick to one mission for more than a couple weeks. “Save the Whales,” he’d shout one week. “Save the Owls,” he’d shout the next. “Save the Elephants,” he’d shout after that. “Don’t you ever do any activism that’ll help humans?” his father asked snidely one day. Phil was really hurt by that statement. He quit activism shortly thereafter. “Look, son,” his dad started one night after dinner, “I didn’t mean for you to stop. I was having a bad day. I was frustrated about work. They’re laying off people at the plant. It was a me thing more than a you thing.” Phil never forgot that night. It meant a lot to him. He eventually organized a labor strike that saved a bunch of jobs at the plant.
JUAN STOCKTON: (I legit don’t know how this one plays out.)
KEITH DURANT: Keith Durant stopped growing when he was 5'10". He became very active in his church’s youth ministry. One time he wore his shirt untucked and some of the kids mentioned how cool it made him look. He always untucked his shirts after that.
ANTHONY DAVENPORT:1 Anthony Davenport became a semi-known R&B singer. He really liked Anthony Hamilton a lot but he really didn’t like when people would tell him that he reminded them of Anthony Hamilton, even though he definitely sounded a lot like Anthony Hamilton. His song “Sometimes Love Hurts, Sometimes It Doesn’t” was played on the radio a few times.
KRIS PAUL: Kris Paul ended up getting a job as a teacher but he hates it.
CARM
INE ANTHONY: Carmine Anthony drives a truck in Brooklyn for his cousin’s company.
DEREK NOWITZKI: Derek Nowitzki spends at least 30 percent of his day each day wondering how his German parents settled on the name “Derek” for him. When he finally asks them about it, they tell him that they’d intended to name him “Drek Nowitizki” but the handwriting on the birth certificate made it look like “Derek” so they just went with that. “Is ‘Drek’ a German name?” he asked them. “Nope,” they said. The whole situation was very confusing.
JOHN HARDEN: John Harden starred in a block of second-rate action movies, which he also wrote the scripts for. They went on to gain cult fame because of how goofy they were in the most serious way a thing can be goofy. (His character’s name was John Harder.) His most famous film, Death Hammer, ended with a scene where a mafia boss had just been found not guilty of a bunch of crimes he very clearly was guilty of. As the mafia boss and his associates celebrated, the door to the courtroom was kicked open. It was John Harder. The mafia boss laughed. “You look at me and you see a criminal,” he said. “But Lady Justice? She’s blind.” John Harder stood stoic for two seconds, then he took out two pistols and fired one shot from each at the mafia boss across the courtroom. The bullet from John Harder’s left gun hit the mafia boss’s right eye and the one from the right gun hit his left eye. “So are you,” said John Harder.
RUSSELL EASTBROOK: Russell Eastbrook worked retail in a department store. He had over 2,000 followers on Instagram, a thing he managed to bring up in conversation way more than was necessary.2
JAKE GRIFFIN: Jake Griffin is completely nondescript. When he went missing two years ago, police asked his neighbors for details about Jake that could help them find him. Nobody knew anything about him. “I think he owned a cat, but I’m not sure,” one lady said.
TOBY BRYANT: Toby Bryant managed The Container Store in Tigard, Oregon. He started working there after college. It wasn’t the job he wanted, but he made the most of it. He had eyes on a corporate job with the company but never got the call-up. He was happy for the guy they chose over him for the job, though.
KYLE MCHALE: Kyle McHale and Kevin McHale ended up exactly the same because Kyle is exactly the same name as Kevin. If you know someone named Kyle then the next time you see him say, “What’s up, Kevin?” and he won’t even notice. Same for if you know a Kevin. Just say, “How was your day today, Kyle?” He’ll tell you how his day was.
ALLEN IVERDAD: (“Iverdad” is so stupid.) (I apologize.)
CARL MALONE: Carl Malone was super into woodworking. He was also super into putting Confederate flag bumper stickers on his truck. “They’re not racist,” he’d say whenever he was asked about it. “They celebrate history.” All of his social media profiles were set to private.
CHARLES BERKLEY: Charles Berkley eventually became a college professor at the University of California, Berkeley. Anytime anyone asked him how work was going he would respond with, “Let’s just say I wish I’d been born Charles Stanford.” He always laughed when he said it. Nobody liked him that much.
BARRY BIRD: Barry Bird wore a sweater all the time. Even when it was hot outside he’d still wear a sweater. Whenever someone would ask him about it he’d say, “Sweaters are my thing. Everyone has a thing. Sweaters are mine.” (Barrys are always super fucking weird. All of them. Barry Gibb, Barry Bonds, Barry Manilow, Barry Williams [the guy who played Greg on The Brady Brunch]. Barry White one time stole $30,000 in Cadillac tires, which is just about the weirdest thing to steal $30,000 of. Even fictional Barrys are weird. Barry Allen was the Flash, and superheroes are inherently weird. Steve Carell played a Barry in Dinner for Schmucks, and his character made dioramas out of stuffed mice. There’s Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory, Barry from Pokémon, Barry from High Fidelity, Barry Zuckerkorn in Arrested Development.)
DANIAL LILLARD: Daniel Lillard worked at a Block-buster all the way up until they started mass-closing stores in 2013. He spent a lot of time in the ’90s trying to convince people that he was related to Matthew Lillard, then spent a lot of time in the ’00s trying to convince people that he wasn’t related to Matthew Lillard.
GEORGE PAUL: George Paul made it to the NBA same as Paul George, because guys who have a first name for a last name are generally pretty good at whatever it is they want to do, especially basketball (Michael Jordan, Kawhi Leonard, Tim Duncan, LeBron James, Julius Erving, Isaiah Thomas, Rick Barry, etc.).
TOM DUNCAN: Tom Duncan was a fighter pilot in the Navy. He had really nice hair even though he never bothered to try to have nice hair. Nobody ever said just his first name whenever they talked about him; they always used his full name. “Has anyone seen Tom Duncan?” “Goddamnit, you’re gonna get us all killed, Tom Duncan.” “We’re ordering pizza, Tom Duncan. You want in?” Things like that.
JORGE “THE ICEMAN” GERVIN: He still became The Iceman, only instead of it being a basketball nickname, it’s because he was the fourth biggest ice salesman in the Midwest. “Come on down to Jorge ‘The Iceman’ Gervin’s Ice Depot,” he proudly shouted in his commercials, which only ran regionally. “We’ve got more ice than we know what to do with,” he’d say, as he took a big bite out of a piece of ice he was holding.
IRVIN “MAGIC” JOHNSON: The third biggest illusionist in the Midwest.
JULIUS “DR. J.” EARVING: He became the second biggest furniture salesman in the Midwest. “Let the Doctor write you a prescription for cheap prices,” he’d say in his commercials while wearing a long white coat. Then the camera would pan over to show Irvin “Magic” Johnson standing there. “Watch me make these high prices disappear,” he’d say. Then the camera would pan over again and, oh fuck, it’s Jorge “The Iceman” Gervin, too. “You’re gonna need some ice to treat the burns from all these prices that are getting slashed,” he’d say. All three started teaming up to form a supergroup to try and take down David “The Admiral” Robinsen, who’d two years earlier opened a superstore that specialized in ice, magic, and furniture and quickly became the most popular place to get any of the three.
1. This is Anthony Davis. All the rest of the names you should be able to figure out pretty easily.
2. FYI: The necessary number of times the number of followers you have on Instagram needs to be brought up in a conversation is zero.
WHAT’S THE PLOT FOR DEATH HAMMER 2: HAMMERGEDDON?
Note: You have to have read the previous chapter for this chapter’s existence in a book about basketball to make any sense at all.
In 2009, John Harden wrote, starred in, and directed Death Hammer, a low-grade action movie about John Harder, a hard-charging, steel-tough Detroit City cop with a mysterious past (no wife, no children, no siblings, no parents) and an affinity for physical force. Despite its 115-minute run time, almost no backstory was provided in Death Hammer. All we were told in it was (a) the mafia had moved in and taken over Detroit, and (b) Harder, in the middle of serving a three-week suspension for breaking a higher-ranking officer’s arm while stopping him from beating on a suspect, was the only man capable of toppling their empire, which he did, piece by piece, always with violence and occasionally with a hammer.
It was an instant cult hit, and immediately catapulted the John Harder character up into the Who’s the Greatest John in an Action Movie? conversation, alongside iconic figures like John Rambo (Rambo), John Matrix (Commando), John McClane (Die Hard), John Shaft (Shaft), John Wick (John Wick), and John Creasy (Man on Fire).1
In 2011, Warner Bros. greenlit a big-budget sequel. Seventeen months later, Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon was released.
The Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon main cast:
John Harder: The film’s protagonist. (See above for description.)
Xavier Gunz: John Harder’s new partner. He’s a rookie. He annoys Harder to no end, but by the end of the movie he’s proven himself to be “a damn fine cop,” which is how John Harder describes him to no one in particular as he sits and drinks alone in a bar one night.
Cassi
e Galloway: The nine-year-old daughter of the family that lives in the apartment across from John Harder. Every day when Harder comes home from work, he sees her outside playing on the stairs. “It’s dangerous out here, Cassie,” Harder always tells her. “You need to stay inside.” “I’m not scared,” she responds every time, smiling. “I know you’ll protect me.” It’s their little routine. It’s the only thing that makes Harder feel like maybe the world isn’t rotting.
Demetrious Wolfe:2 The main villain in the movie. He’s the leader of The Blood Family, the ultravicious crime syndicate that moved in and took over in the years that followed John Harder ridding the city of the mafia. “The Blood Family kills for sport,” explains Robert Webb, the Detroit chief of police, during an assignment briefing with the department. “They kill because they like the mess it makes. I worked a case a few years ago. This guy was in a club or some shit. Somebody bumped into him so he turned around and shoved the guy. Turned out, the guy was Demetrious Wolfe. Three days later the poor bastard’s daughter opened a package she’d received in the mail. It was her father’s arms. We’ve never seen evil like this before.”
John Harder was grizzled and ferocious in Death Hammer, and in Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon, he’s twice as grizzled and twice as ferocious, and I mean that figuratively, yes, but mainly I mean it literally, because hammers are rarely ever figurative. For example, in DH, Harder wore street-smart blue jeans. In DH2:H, he wears a pair of street-smart blue jeans over another pair of street-smart blue jeans. It’s double fucking blue jeans.