by Shea Serrano
A scene from DH2:H:
INT. JOHN HARDER’S CAR – NIGHT
John Harder and Xavier Gunz are on a stakeout. They’ve been sitting in Harder’s car for more than three hours. Harder is very focused. His eyes are burned onto a building. He’s hoping to see The Cannibal, The Blood Family’s most notorious hitman. His plan is to tail The Cannibal back to the Blood Family compound, which, to this point, has remained hidden from the Detroit police. Xavier, antsy, is fidgeting. While searching for a snack he happens to notice that Harder is wearing two pair of pants.
XAVIER GUNZ
Hold on. Are you wearing two pairs of pants at the same time?
JOHN HARDER
(continues staring at the building) Yeah.
XAVIER GUNZ
Why?
JOHN HARDER
(still staring at the building)
The criminals today are twice as tough as they used to be.
XAVIER GUNZ
I . . . I don’t think that’s how it works, man.
JOHN HARDER
(frustrated)
Look, the guys we’re going up against, they’re an army. We’re fighting a fucking army! And I’m just a man. One man. Like every other man. Putting my pants on one leg at a time. Two times in a row.
Whereas Death Hammer focused mainly on the turbulence of John Harder’s life during his battle with the mafia, Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon contains flashback scenes that reveal his origin story, the most revelatory of which being that John Harder wasn’t actually born as “John Harder.” He was born “Jonathan Hart,” the only child to a decent, hardworking family in Kentucky.
The story: When he was six years old, Jonathan Hart’s mother was killed in a drive-by shooting that was never solved (it haunts him to this day). After the funeral, he legally changed his name from Jonathan Hart to John Hard, a literal representation of the philosophical way he’d been changed by the trauma. Two years later, John’s father, struggling to raise John on his own, abandoned him in a grocery store parking lot. “I think you’re going to be better off on your own, John,” his father told him. “Dad, no. Please. I can’t lose you, too,” John said, whimpering. “I’m sorry,” his father said, eyes watery, heart in pieces. “I just can’t. You remind me too much of her.” Then he drove away. John watched his dad as he disappeared into the night. He didn’t cry, though. He decided right then he would never cry again.
The next morning, he hitchhiked a ride to the DMV, where he once again legally changed his name.
“Why the name change, Mr. Hard?” the county clerk asked as he prepared to stamp eight-year-old John’s paperwork official. “It’s just two little letters,” the clerk said with a smile. “And where are your parents, anyway?” John took the toothpick he was chewing out of his mouth. “Just stamp the fucking paper,” he said, then he flicked the toothpick at the clerk.
John Harder was born.
Another scene in DH2:H:
INT. JOHN HARDER’S APT. - DAY
Xavier Gunz is waiting in John Harder’s living room. He’s looking around at the place, which is surprisingly well decorated.
XAVIER GUNZ
(shouting to John, who is in the bedroom getting ready)
Ayo, John!
JOHN HARDER
(no response)
XAVIER GUNZ
(still shouting, still looking around) Ain’t you supposed to be the hammer guy or some shit like that?
JOHN HARDER
(no response)
XAVIER GUNZ
(still shouting, still looking around)
You’re the hammer guy, right? So where are all your hammers? We been partners for four months and I ain’t seen one single hammer.
(John Harder emerges from the bedroom.)
JOHN HARDER
Everything is a hammer if you swing it hard enough.
Other titles the movie studio considered before settling on Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon:
• Death Hammer 2: The Awakening (John Harder takes on apocalypse mummies)
• Death Hammer 2: Chamber of Torture (John Harder fights the bad guy from Saw)
• Death Hammer 2: Gladiator X (John Harder follows a crime lord back in time to the gladiator days of Rome)
• Death Hammer 2: Pain Matrix (John Harder just kicks the shit out of a bunch of dudes who look like Keanu Reeves)
• Death Hammer 2: Ominous Calling (While working part-time as a telemarketer, John Harder discovers a corrupt politician’s plan to blow up City Hall)
• Death Hammer 2: She’s the One (This was from the brief period where DH2 was pitched as a romantic comedy)
• Death Hammer 2: Furious Calculations (John Harder fights guys who use math to kill people)
• Death Hammer 2: Cosmic Void (John Harder in space)
A final scene from DH2:H:
EXT. THE BLOOD FAMILY COMPOUND - DAY
Two nameless henchmen are outside on sentry duty. They’re both watching for John Harder, who’s already torn through half of The Blood Family.
HENCHMAN #1
(lights up a cigarette, takes a drag)
I can’t believe we drew this bullshit detail again.
HENCHMAN #2
(only half-concerned with HENCHMAN #1’s words)
You shouldn’t smoke.
HENCHMAN #1
(dismayed)
What?
HENCHMAN #2
You shouldn’t smoke. It’s bad for you.
HENCHMAN #1
Are you serious right now?
HENCHMAN #2
I’m just saying, with as much as we know about smoking now, you’d think you’d know better.
HENCHMAN #1
(exasperated)
I would have to smoke a pack a day every day for the next 10 years for someth—
(There’s a sound behind them. Startled, they both turn around. John Harder is standing there. He’s got a shotgun aimed at Henchman #1.)
JOHN HARDER
10 years? Let me save you the trouble.
(Harder pulls the trigger. Bang! The close-range shot explodes Henchman #1’s chest. Harder turns the gun to Henchman #2.)
HENCHMAN #2
(terrified)
No, no, wait, wait, wait!
(Bang! Harder explodes Henchman #2’s chest with a shot as well.)
JOHN HARDER
Secondhand smoke kills, too.
The final 20 minutes of Death Hammer 2: Hammergeddon are “as tumultuous and heart-attack-inducing a stretch of film as has ever been produced,” says Wesley Morris of the New York Times. “I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen, but I also couldn’t stop crying. Bravo to everyone involved. Bra-vo. I am so excited to watch John Harden win the Oscar for Best Actor this year, and even more excited to watch John Harder enter the annals of movie character lore.”
I don’t want to explain to you all of the things that happened during that final 20-minute stretch, so let me just tell you four parts:
1. Two big reveals end up happening. The first big reveal: Xavier Gunz is going to be a father. He and his wife take Harder out to dinner and they tell him and it’s this very charming scene. Gunz tells Harder that he’s taking a desk job because it’s safer. Harder is upset, which is surprising because he didn’t even realize he liked Gunz. He feels better, though, when Gunz tells him he wants Harder to be the godfather to his kid, an offer he happily accepts. The second big reveal is that it turns out that The Blood Family was responsible for the death of John Harder’s mother all those years ago (!!!).
2. There are hammers in those last 20 minutes. So many fucking hammers. It’s a gigantic hammer fight. Imagine all the hammers you can think of. Now double it. Now double it again. Now triple that. That’s still not enough hammers.
3. The fight between John Harder and Demetrious Wolfe is, in a word, transcendent. It’s devastating. It’s masterfully nihilistic. It is so, so, so hard to watch because of how horrific and graphic it is, but it’s also beautiful and poetic in this
very satisfying way. It ends with John Harder barely alive and Demetrious Wolfe all the way dead, his head caved into his neck from hammer blows.
4. The last shot of the movie is John Harder, bloodied and gouged and broken but victorious, walking up the steps to his apartment. He can barely walk, it’s so painful. He can barely breathe, it’s so painful. But he’s victorious. And he feels so good—better than he has in a long, long time. He takes a second; he sits on the steps. He takes a big, pained breath. He reaches in his pocket. He takes out his wallet. Another big, pained breath. He fishes something out of the wallet. The camera zooms in up and around him and over his back to show what he’s looking at. It’s an old, tattered picture. The camera zooms in tighter. It’s of him and his mom. The camera slowly pans up to his face. He’s crying. It’s the first time he’s cried since she died. “We finally have peace now, Mom,” he says. “Finally.”
He gathers all of his remaining strength and uses it to pull himself up into a standing position. He walks the final few steps to his apartment, though really it’s more like he staggers the final few steps to his apartment. There are two bags at his door, one large, one smaller. They both have ribbons and bows on them, and one of them has a card on it. Harder smirks. Gunz told him at that dinner he was getting him a thank-you present. Harder protested. “That kid never listens,” Harder says, pretending to be disappointed, but happy to know that Gunz really does care about him.
Harder leans over, picks up the card. He reads it:
With love,
—D. Wolfe
His eyes widen. Everything stops moving. Demetrious mailed them to John before their fight. The card falls slowly from his hand to the ground. The camera moves down to the bags. Music builds in the background. “No,” Harder says. “Please, no.” He pulls on the ribbon of the first bag, and its contents spill out onto the floor. It’s Xavier Gunz’s dead body.
“Noooooooooooooooo!” he screams. It’s a painful scream, and he breaks down into a teary mess, cradling Gunz. It’s awful. It’s ruinous. Then he stops. And he looks over at the smaller bag. He’s can’t move. Because he already knows.
He reaches for it. His hand is shaking. The entire universe is vibrating. He grabs the end of the ribbon. He pulls on it. The bag falls over as it opens.
It’s Cassie Galloway’s body.
She’s dead.
John Harder is dead, too.
He’s John Hardest now.
1. There are so many action-movie Johns. It’s some sort of phenomenon. There’s Johnny Ringo and John “Doc” Holliday (Tombstone), Johnny Lawrence (The Karate Kid), Johnny Utah (Point Break), John Triton (The Marine), John Carter (John Carter), John Smith (Mr. & Mrs. Smith), John “Hannibal” Smith (The A-Team), John Anderton (Minority Report), John Kimble (Kindergarten Cop), John Connor (pick a Terminator), etc.
2. My parents were visiting from San Antonio the week that I was writing this chapter. I was telling my dad about it one night and then the next morning he was like, “I have the perfect name for the villain of Death Hammer 2: Demetrious Wolfe.” I was like, “Oh fuck. That is perfect.” That’s where the name comes from.
IF 1997 KARL MALONE AND A BEAR SWAPPED PLACES FOR A SEASON, WHO WOULD BE MORE SUCCESSFUL?
Here’s the play: Let’s take a bear from a forest, and then let’s take Karl Malone from the 1997 Utah Jazz, and then let’s put the bear in Karl’s place and Karl in the bear’s place. That’s the setup; a straight-up swap. And the thing we’re trying to figure out here is: Who has a better outing that season after the swap, the bear playing power forward for the 1997 Utah Jazz or Karl Malone living as a bear in the forest?
Let’s flesh out the specifics here first, of which there are really only two that need to be addressed.
First, we should sort out the type of bear that’s going to trade places with Karl because that will affect things greatly. There are a bunch of different types of bears to choose from. We could use a polar bear. We could use a koala bear. There’s a brown bear. There’s a black bear. There’s a Build-A-Bear (the second-most gentle of all bears). There are dozens of different Care Bears (Bedtime Bear is the first most gentle). There’s the golfer Jack Nicklaus, who was nicknamed “The Golden Bear.” There are the Chicago Bears. There’s more and more and more and more. In this particular case, let’s go with the black bear. That one seems to make the most sense since it’s indigenous to Utah and also because it has a broad enough weight and height span that we could reasonably find one about the same size as Karl, who, at his peak, was 6'9" and somewhere near 256 pounds of carved oak.
Second, we should sort out the dynamics of the situation. Karl Malone has a long and recorded history of outdoorsmanship, so his side of the equation is fine. We can just take him and drop him into the forest and there you go. That’s a very ordinary thing. The bear side is a little trickier, so let’s just consider these things to be truths going forward so as to make talking about the situation as easy as possible:
• Once the bear gets placed on the team, nobody finds it weird or strange. It’s seen by everyone as completely normal. The bear walks into the locker room and the situation is treated no differently than if John Stockton or Antoine Carr had walked into the locker room.
• The bear is anthropomorphic like a Ninja Turtle. He has many human qualities, including being able to talk and being able to understand the fundamental tenets of executing the pick and roll. He does some bear-like things occasionally (he regularly snacks on honey, things like that), but it’s almost always seen as charming or eccentric.
• If the bear ever acts aggressively, it’s only in a very human manner. For example, one time Karl Malone elbowed David Robinson in the back of the head and knocked him unconscious. Another time he elbowed Isiah Thomas and opened up a gash on him that required 40 stitches to close. The bear would do things like that. He would not, however, attempt to eat anyone or claw anyone across the throat.
With those things in place, all we have to do is measure the bear and Karl up against each other in a few categories. But first, a little background information about each.
Karl Malone is one of the best, most powerful, most durable basketball players of all time. Here is a list of some of his more impressive stats:
• He played in 1,169 games during his NBA career, 193 of which were in the playoffs.
• He played 54,852 minutes of actual game time. That puts him second all-time in the history of the NBA.1 (For perspective: That’s enough time to watch Pitch Perfect 489 times.2)
• He played 2,800+ minutes in a season 16 different times. Nobody else has ever done that (or likely will ever do it).
• He missed a total of 10 games3 in 18 seasons with the Jazz. That means he played in 99.3 percent of the games.
• He averaged 20 or more points per game 17 times over his career. That puts him tied for first all-time with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
• He played in 80+ games in 17 different seasons over his career. That puts him first all-time.
• He was an All-Star 14 times.
• He was the league MVP twice.
• He shot more free throws than anyone else and also gobbled up more defensive rebounds than everyone in NBA history except Kevin Garnett.
• He performed a Diamond Cutter on Dennis Rodman during a wrestling match at WCW’s Bash at the Beach.
A bear is one of the best, most powerful, most durable animals of all time. Here is a list of some of a bear’s more impressive stats:
• Very good swimmer.
• Very good climber.
• Can run up to 30 miles per hour.
• It’s a fucking bear.
The Utah Division of Wildlife Resources has an entire section on its site about bears, the most interesting part of which is about staying safe because “Utah’s mountains and forests are home to thousands of black bears.” My favorite parts:
“Go with a group, if possible.”
This one made me sad to read because I realized that nobo
dy I am friends with in real life would be of any help at all were we out in the forest camping together as a group and a bear ran up on us. That situation would very quickly turn from a Quality Time Bonding Experience to an Every Man For Himself kind of setup. Worse still, I don’t even think it’d be, like, “Okay, there’s a bear here now so let’s just all run away and whoever the bear ends up catching is who the bear ends up catching.” There would be very deliberate sabotage in play, I’m sure. I mean, look, if it’s between me and you to see who a bear eats, I’m pretty sure my first move there is to try and shove you by your face toward the bear in hopes that he grabs you first so I can get away. I promise I’ll make sure to say something very nice about you and your heroism at your closed-casket funeral, though.
“Stay away from animal carcasses.”
This seems like advice that would be applicable in all situations, not just bear-based ones.
“Keep kids in the center of the group.”
Here’s the thing: Kids are (probably) made of the softest meat, right? So my guess is they’re the ones the bears are most excited about catching. So I say put the kids on the outside of the group, because the only thing worse than being attacked by a bear is being attacked by a bear who didn’t even really want to attack you.
“Place bear unwelcome mats (wood planks with nails or screws protruding) in front of doors or windows.”
This seems like an aggressively rude move.
“Get one or more dogs.”
R.I.P. one or more dogs.
“Turn on garden hoses or sprinklers.”
Just a guess, but I don’t think spritzing an 800-pound bear with a hose is going to stop him.
“Always fight back. And never give up! People have successfully defended themselves with almost anything: rocks, sticks, backpacks, water bottles, and even their hands and feet.”
Imagine you’re the guy who defended yourself from a bear with a water bottle, and so you get to live on that story forever. Your toughness is unquestionable. You’re a neighborhood hero. You get featured on the news. It’s great. But then, like, two years later some new family moves in at the end of your street. And, turns out, the dad of that family was attacked by a bear once, too. So you go to talk to him about it. And you’re like, “What kind of water bottle did you use to defend yourself?” And he’s like, “Water bottle?” and then he laughs. Then he picks up his hands and they’re covered in scars and he takes off his shoes and his feet are covered in scars, too. He’s the guy who fucking boxed a bear and karate kicked a bear.