Basketball (And Other Things)
Page 25
2. Reggie Miller, 1988–2005 (Level 5): The second-greatest basketball villain of all time. He checks off literally every box for the categories mentioned earlier.
3. Kevin McHale, 1981–1993 (Level 5): (I think I’m supposed to not like Kevin McHale, but I actually really, really like him. I watched a bunch of his interviews while researching for the book, and also he had a run at head coach for the Rockets while I lived in Houston, and he was always just very charming and affable. Sorry.)
4. Vernon Maxwell, 1989–2001 (Level 4): (I talked about all of his things during the Purge chapter.)4
5. Rick Barry, 1966–19805 (Level 4): His most heinous act: being Rick Barry.
6. Dennis Rodman, 1987–2000 (Level 4): An all-world irritant.6
7. Karl Malone, 1986–2004 (Level 3): His most heinous act: splitting Isiah Thomas’s face open in 1991 with an elbow.
8. Latrell Sprewell, 1993–2005 (Level 3): His most heinous act: choking his coach during a practice in 1997.7 His second-most heinous act: turning down a three-year 21-million-dollar contract in 2004. When asked why, he said, among other things, that he had “a family to feed.” That’s beautiful.8
9. Danny Ainge, 1982–1995 (Level 3): During Game 3 of the 1994 Western Conference Semifinals, Mario Elie made an and-one floater over Danny Ainge, then hollered in his face about it. Later in the game, after Hakeem Olajuwon dunked it in the final seconds (of a blowout, mind you), Ainge, who’d been tossed the ball by the ref, cocked it back and then rocketed the ball 100 miles per hour into Mario Elie’s face as he celebrated with Hakeem. It’s not the only instance of Danny Ainge being a bastard, but it’s definitely the best9 one.10
10. Bruce Bowen, 1997–2009 (Level 3): An all-world dirty player.
11. Kevin Garnett, 1996–2016 (Level 2): His most heinous act: One time, during a game in 2010, he (reportedly) called Charlie Villanueva a “cancer patient.” He (reportedly) did so because Villanueva has alopecia universalis, a skin disease that prevents hair growth. Garnett tried to clean it up in a statement afterward, saying that what he actually said to Villanueva was, “You are cancerous to your team and our league.”
12. Kermit Washington, 1974–1988 (Level 2): Kermit ends up backing his way into the BVHOF off the strength of that Rudy Tomjanovich punch he threw in 1977. It’s an unfair designation, but one he gets nonetheless.
13. Metta World Peace, 2000–Present11 (Level 2): How’s this for a villain origin story: In 2009, following an especially chippy game between Artest’s Rockets and Kobe’s Lakers, Artest talked about how it actually wasn’t a chippy basketball game at all—that one time when he was growing up, he watched a guy die at a game because someone else broke off a piece of a table leg and threw it through the guy’s heart like the fucking deadliest javelin of all.
1. Mortal Kombat II is the best version of the game. After that it’s Mortal Kombat, then Mortal Kombat III, then Ultimate Mortal Kombat III: Tournament Edition.
2. What’s crazy about this example is it was actually Kobe Bryant who was the villain that series, and also that play.
3. I just made up a rule right now where only one player per team can make it per ballot. Isiah Thomas loses his spot to Buffalo Bill.
4. See this page.
5. I was not intending on including anyone here that didn’t play after 1980, but after watching several old Rick Barry interviews and reading several Rick Barry stories, I couldn’t help myself.
6. Draymond Green is right here, too.
7. In an interview with 60 Minutes Sprewell explained, “It’s not like he was losing air or anything.”
8. Sprewell had a year left on his contract at that point, and he wanted to sign an extension. The extension never happened, and so Sprewell played out that final year of his contract and then never played again.
9. Zach Lowe ran a story at ESPN in 2016 about Ainge eating lunch at Chipotle seven days a week, and sometimes following up his lunch with dinner there, too. “I have to admit, there are days I eat there twice.” I don’t know why this is so extremely weird to me, but it absolutely is.
10. One time he made Tree Rollins so mad that, during a scuffle, Rollins bit his finger all the way down to the tendon.
11. For all intents and purposes of this book, I’m defining “present” as the spring of 2017.
SHOULD WE DO A CHAPTER THAT’S JUST A BUNCH OF LISTS?
For all of the other parts of this book, each chapter is treated as a single question, and each answer for each question is carefully considered and worked through thoroughly. It was important to me for the book to move that way because in situations like these—situations where you’re trying to convince someone of something—people are far more receptive to receiving an answer (even one that they might disagree with) if they can see how you arrived at your conclusion.
It would be disingenuous, though, for me to pretend like talking about basketball (or any subject, really) in that manner is a natural thing for me or a regular thing for me. Truth be told, it rarely works that way. More often than not, the flow of that kind of conversation is me (a) saying a thing while offering no real evidence to substantiate my claim, and then (b) calling the person disagreeing with me an unfavorable name when they inevitably buck back.1 Now, to be sure, I of course wish I were smarter and that that were not the case. I wish that I was consistently fluid and that all of my responses to questions were measured and thoughtful. But I am not, and they are not. And so I’m mildly sad about that, sure. But the thing of it is, that’s how it goes for most people, I’m guessing—or, at least, that’s how it goes for most of the people that I talk to about basketball (or any subject, really).
As such, the rest of this chapter is the inverse of all the other parts of the book. Rather than it being one question answered rigorously, it’s 18 questions answered without any more info given beyond the answer itself. It’s just how arguing goes sometimes. Getting that into this book was important to me, too.
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST BASKETBALL PLAYERS OF ALL TIME?
1. Michael Jordan
2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
3. LeBron James
4. Magic Johnson
5. Tim Duncan
6. Bill Russell
7. Wilt Chamberlain
8. Larry Bird
9. Hakeem Olajuwon
10. Shaquille O’Neal
WHAT ARE THE 10 GREATEST BASKETBALL REFERENCES FROM RAP SONGS?
1. “I’m slammin’ niggas like Shaquille.” —The Notorious B.I.G., “Gimme The Loot”
2. “And you can live through anything if Magic made it.” —Kanye West, “Can’t Tell Me Nothing”
3. “If Jeezy’s paying LeBron, I’m paying Dwyane Wade.” —Jay Z, “Empire State of Mind”
4. “The height of Muggsy Bogues, complexion of a hockey puck.” —Phife Dawg of A Tribe Called Quest, “Steve Biko (Stir It Up)”
5. “Basketball is my favorite sport / I like the way they dribble up and down the court.” —Kurtis Blow, “Basketball”
6. “I got more foreign shooters than the Sacramento Kings.” —50 Cent, “Follow Me Gangster”
7. “See, I’ve got heart like John Starks.” —Mike D of The Beastie Boys, “Get It Together”
8. “With my hair slicked back I look like Rick Pitino.”2 —Action Bronson, “NaNa”
9. “One minute you hot, next minute you not / Remind me of the New York Knicks with they jump shots.” —Ghostface Killah, “Barbershop”
10. “Coupe is on Manu Ginobilis / But the truck is on Kobes.” —Fabolous, “I’m The Man”
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST POINT GUARDS OF ALL TIME?
1. Magic Johnson
2. John Stockton
3. Oscar Robertson
4. Isiah Thomas
5. Jason Kidd
6. Steve Nash
7. Chris Paul
8. Steph Curry
9. Walt Frazier
10. Gary Payton
WHAT ARE THE 10 GREATEST HAIRSTYLES IN BASKETBALL
HISTORY?
1. Bill Walton’s hippie ponytail that he would wear with a headband, so then by, like, the second quarter of every game he looked like a large white woman after a long day at Coachella.
2. Allen Iverson’s cornrows.
3. Artis Gilmore’s Afro (or Dr. J’s Afro, if you want).
4. Latrell Sprewell when he had the pigtails.
5. Chris Mullin’s flat top (or Dwayne Schintzius’s flat top mullet, if you want).
6. One time Scot Pollard wanted to wear his hair in a ponytail, but it wasn’t quite long enough so he did a thing where he had one ponytail at the top of his head and then one ponytail near the nape of his neck. It was double fucking ponytails, is what I’m saying.
7. When Anthony Mason had “KNICKS” shaved into the side of his head.
8. Kenny Walker’s high top fade.
9. That time Lou Amundson cut his hair like Jennifer Aniston had it in Friends. (Google this.)
10. That time Brandon Jennings had the Gumby fade.
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST SHOOTING GUARDS OF ALL TIME?
1. Michael Jordan
2. Kobe Bryant
3. Dwyane Wade
4. Jerry West
5. Allen Iverson
6. Clyde Drexler
7. George Gervin
8. Reggie Miller
9. Ray Allen
10. Tracy McGrady
WHO ARE THE 10 NBA PLAYERS WHO SEEMED THE MOST LIKELY TO LIE TO YOUR FACE ABOUT SOMETHING UNIMPORTANT?
1. Dwight Howard in 2016
2. Christian Laettner in 1998
3. Isiah Thomas in 1986
4. Kris Humphries in 2012
5. Kevin Johnson in 1993
6. Kelly Tripucka in 1988
7. Kobe Bryant in 2009
8. Danny Ainge in 1991
9. Sasha Vujacic in 2008
10. D’Angelo Russell in 2016
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST CENTERS OF ALL TIME?
1. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
2. Bill Russell
3. Wilt Chamberlain
4. Hakeem Olajuwon
5. Shaquille O’Neal
6. David Robinson
7. Moses Malone
8. Bill Walton
9. Patrick Ewing
10. Dikembe Mutombo
WHAT ARE THE 10 GREATEST NBA CONSPIRACY THEORIES?
1. That Paul Pierce pooped himself during the 2008 Finals and so that’s why he pretended like he hurt his knee.
2. The NBA rigged the 1985 draft lottery so that the Knicks could get Patrick Ewing.
3. Michael Jordan didn’t actually want to retire for those two years in the middle of his career—it was just that the NBA forced him to as a punishment for gambling.
4. Michael Jordan made sure the Wizards traded Richard Hamilton to the Pistons in 2002 because he wanted the Pistons to beat the Lakers in the 2004 Finals to help slow down Kobe from catching him in championships. He did the same thing with the Bobcats in 2012 when he had them waive Tyson Chandler, who then went to the Mavs, who beat the Heat in the Finals, preventing LeBron from getting his first ring. Then, in 2013, he made the Bobcats waive Boris Diaw. Diaw went and played for the Spurs, who beat the Heat in the Finals in 2014, preventing LeBron from collecting another championship ring.
5. The NBA told the refs to make sure that the Lakers didn’t lose Game 6 against the Sacramento Kings in the 2002 Western Conference Finals.
6. The NBA rigged the 2012 draft lottery so that the New Orleans Hornets could get Anthony Davis.
7. The NBA told the refs to make sure the Bucks lost to the Sixers in the 2001 Eastern Conference Finals because nobody wanted to see the Bucks in the Finals, not even people from Milwaukee.
8. Russell Westbrook gets injected with wolverine blood before every game.
9. Wolverines get injected with Russell Westbrook blood before every hunt.
10. LeBron James left Cleveland for Miami in 2010 so that they could be terrible and draft good players for him to play with when he returned to Cleveland in 2014. He set it all in place before he announced his intention to leave Cleveland via The Decision.
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST SMALL FORWARDS OF ALL TIME?
1. LeBron James
2. Larry Bird
3. Kevin Durant
4. Scottie Pippen
5. Julius Erving
6. Elgin Baylor
7. James Worthy
8. Rick Barry
9. Dominique Wilkins
10. John Havlicek
WHAT ARE THE 5 BEST PLAYOFF BUZZER BEATERS OF ALL TIME?
1. I don’t know, but not the 0.4 shot Derek Fisher hit against the Spurs in 2004. That one was stupid.
2. I don’t know, but not the 0.4 shot Derek Fisher hit against the Spurs in 2004. That one was stupid.
3. I don’t know, but not the 0.4 shot Derek Fisher hit against the Spurs in 2004. That one was stupid.
4. I don’t know, but not the 0.4 shot Derek Fisher hit against the Spurs in 2004. That one was stupid.
5. I don’t know, but not the 0.4 shot Derek Fisher hit against the Spurs in 2004. That one was stupid.3
WHO ARE THE 10 GREATEST POWER FORWARDS OF ALL TIME?
1. Tim Duncan
2. Dirk Nowitzki
3. Karl Malone
4. Charles Barkley
5. Kevin Garnett
6. Kevin McHale
7. Elvin Hayes
8. Dennis Rodman
9. Chris Webber
10. Shawn Kemp
WHAT ARE THE THREE MOST INTERESTING PHILOSOPHICAL QUANDARIES TANGENTIALLY CONNECTED TO A CARMELO ANTHONY CAMEO IN A MOVIE OR TV SHOW?
1. In 2016, Carmelo was in the movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows. A lot of people disliked it, and I guess maybe I did, too, but I also thought it was good, because one piece of it presented a very advanced philosophical question: As part of the movie’s plot, two guys accidentally get mutated into a giant warthog and a giant rhinoceros. As soon as they realize it’s happened, the first thing they do is look at their new animal dicks. I was struck by that moment. At first, I thought it was ridiculous that that was their response, but the more I thought about it, and the more I think about it, the more reasonable it’s starting to become. Is looking at your new dick one of the first things any man who happened to get transformed into something else would do? I remember it happening in that movie Big, too, where Young Josh Baskin woke up as Grown Josh Baskin. And part of me wants to say it also happened in Captain America: The First Avenger after Steve Rogers got transformed into a superhero, though that can’t possibly have been the case.4 But so, again: Is looking at your new dick one of the first things any man who happened to get transformed into something else would do?
2. In 2004, Carmelo was on a TV show called Punk’d, the premise of which was: Let’s put famous people in bad spots and record how they react. Mostly, it was harmless pranks that were pulled on celebrities, stuff like, “Oh, no, your waiter is very rude,” or, “Oh, no, someone parked too close to your car.” When Carmelo was on there, though, what they did is they trashed his hotel room while he was out and then, when he got there, they sent an underage girl in to say she had left her purse there, then the authorities show up, then she tells them she was partying with Carmelo, and so Carmelo’s prank is that he’s being accused of inappropriate contact with an underage girl. There’s actually no real philosophical dilemma attached to this one. I just wanted to mention it because it was insane.
3. In 2014, Carmelo was on a TV show called Sons of Anarchy. The show was about a motorcycle gang (they were the Sons of Anarchy) that did many, many bad things, several of which were secretly good things. Carmelo was part of a rival crew that was torturing one of the Sons (a character named Bobby Munson) to get information out of him. During the torture, one guy carved Munson’s eye out with a grapefruit spoon. As retaliation, that guy later had his own eye yanked out of his head by the president of the Sons. It was an eye-for-an-eye situation in the most literal sense p
ossible. The quandary: Is retribution as punishment a morally stable foundation? It seems like no, but it also seems like yes.
WHO ARE THE 10 NBA PLAYERS WHO WERE THE BEST AT WEARING TALL SOCKS?
1. Manute Bol
2. George Gervin
3. Jason Terry
4. Adrian Dantley
5. Clyde Drexler
6. Tom McMillen (Google this guy. Look for pictures of him when he played with the Washington Bullets at the end of his career. He was in his early 30s at the time but he looked, like, at least in his 60s.)
7. Keith Van Horn
8. Michael Cooper
9. Jack Sikma
10. Shaun Livingston
WHAT ARE THE 15 BEST “10 BEST” RANKINGS THAT DIDN’T MAKE IT INTO THIS CHAPTER OF LISTS BECAUSE YOU RAN OUT OF SPACE?
1. Who are the 10 Best “He should’ve had a cameo in a Fast and the Furious movie” Players Picks?5
2. What are the 10 Best Wilt Chamberlain Things?6
3. What are the 10 Best Announcer Play Calls That Happened During Big Games?
4. What are the 10 Best Alley-Oops?
5. Who are the 10 Best Coaches of All Time?
6. Who are the 10 Best Courtside Celebrity Fans?
7. What are the 10 Best Team Logos?
8. What are the 10 Best Arena Nicknames That Would Also Make for Good Nicknames of the Room in Your House Where You Most Often Have Sex?7
9. What are the 10 Best Finals Games?
10. What are the 10 Best Post-Shot Celebrations?
11. What are the 10 Best Arena Foods to Eat during a Game?
12. What are the 10 Best Accessories Players Have Worn during Games?