Brave

by Sissy Goff

  The problem wasn’t the girls, although I do feel for you, as a teenage girl. Honestly, it’s pretty normal for girls your age to be narcissistic—so normal, in fact, that in a book I wrote with my friend Melissa, Raising Girls, we called these the “narcissistic years” in a girl’s life. But that can make it hard to find true friends. The problem wasn’t Sophie either. The problem was Sophie’s perception. It was her interpretation of the event. That perception, in turn, was giving Sophie social anxiety. I don’t think it was happening only in that group. It was likely happening in all of her friendships, which was why she was struggling. She had the thoughts and trusted that those thoughts were true. Her dad did too, which gave Sophie’s thoughts even more power. And let me tell you—Sophie’s real name isn’t Sophie, obviously. Sophie isn’t even just one person. She’s more like twenty. I have probably seen twenty girls over the years with the exact same story and same trouble, and that trouble started in their cortexes.

  The cortex is constantly interpreting events. Those interpretations become our perceptions. And our anxiety is directly proportional to our perception. In relationship, our perspective is skewed because, as girls, we believe we can read others’ minds. It’s what all of the Sophies were doing. Their perception of events was based on their interpretation of how those girls felt about them. I think most of us do that. We believe we know exactly why someone is acting a certain way, and it’s usually skewed negatively against us. It’s not true. And I hate to be the one to break the news to you, but you can’t read others’ minds. Neither can I, and I’ve been trained in it.

  Perception, however, isn’t just mind reading. It’s also situation reading.

  She’s mad at me.

  I failed that test.

  I blew that audition.

  I’m not as good as everyone else at ____.

  Our perception makes us believe things are true when they’re not. Mark Twain is quoted as saying, “I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life. Some of which actually happened.” It’s not the event. It’s the thoughts the Worry Whisperer creates out of our perception that lead to anxiety. Don’t confuse thoughts with reality. There is always more to the story.

  Write about a time when you decided, based on your perception, that something was true that actually wasn’t.

  When you catch yourself falling for the old perception trick, whether it’s mind or situation reading, I want you to ask yourself: “Could there be more to the story?”

  Rumination

  An article from the Atlantic says, “The habit of what psychologists call rumination—essentially, dwelling extensively on negative feelings—is more prevalent in women than in men, and often starts at puberty. This can make girls more cautious, and less inclined toward risk taking.”2

  While thinking through this chapter, I kept accidentally swapping the words rumination and marination. I think they’re really one and the same. You’ve probably helped someone marinate chicken before. Marination is basically soaking a food in a certain liquid before cooking. Rumination, according to writer and leadership expert Rachel Simmons, “is defined as repetitively focusing on the causes or consequences of a problem.”3 In other words, rumination means we’re not just soaking, but swimming around in negative feelings or thoughts. It’s overthinking at its best, it’s not helpful, and it makes anxiety and depression worse. In fact, research says that it is a “well-established risk factor for the onset of major depression and anxiety symptomatology in adolescents and adults.”4

  I hear girls talk about this very idea daily in my office. “I’m an overthinker.” You know it if you do it. You think through something on the way to school that you’re worried about, and sometimes it starts in a productive way. Then you find yourself thinking about it in math. It’s quickly getting less productive. And then while driving home. And then, again, when you’re supposed to be doing your homework and when you’re lying in bed at night. The productive thoughts have turned into unproductive rumination.

  Here’s something else to consider: Co-rumination compounds the problem. Co-rumination has been defined by the American Psychological Association as “excessively talking with another person about problems, including rehashing them and dwelling on the negative feelings associated with them.” In a six-month study with over eight hundred girls and boys participating, co-rumination, for girls, led to closer friendships but also increased anxiety and depression. I think it’s important to point out that the study used the words rehash and pattern of co-rumination.5

  Obviously, as a counselor, I believe it’s important for you to think through and talk about your feelings, including feelings that you might consider negative. Sharing your feelings is one of your biggest tools in the next chapter. It’s important to talk with your friends about your feelings. But you know when thinking turns into overthinking and talking turns into rehashing. You can feel the difference. Talking brings a sense of relief. Rehashing just creates more frustration and despair.

  I’ve seen this very phenomenon many times. I call it the helicopter effect. A girl starts talking, and the helicopter leaves the ground, helping her feel better and lighter. There is a point, however, where the pattern of rehashing begins. She talks over and over about the same problems, and the helicopter comes right back down to crash on the ground. Think through and talk about your struggles. Share in each others’. But rumination becomes overthinking, which becomes obsessing. We want to get those negative thoughts and feelings out, but we don’t want to spend so much time on them that they just circle back around and make us feel worse. Can you think of a time when talking actually made you feel worse? Can you think of a time it made you feel better? What was the difference?

  If you have a friendship that might be the co-ruminating kind, talk about it together. Hold each other accountable and come up with a gentle way to remind each other when the co-ruminating begins. Friendships are meant to lighten our load, not pile it higher. The Worry Whisperer loves a good pile on, and the bigger it gets, the worse it feels and sounds.

  Catastrophization

  Do you remember our definition of anxiety? Anxiety is an overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of ourselves. Catastrophization is the overestimation part of things.

  It’s not only bad, it’s the WORST EVER!

  It wasn’t just scary, it was TERRIFYING!

  It wasn’t just sad, it was DEVASTATING!

  It wasn’t just annoying, it made you want to LOSE YOUR MIND!

  How many times have you said one of these phrases, when really just the first part of the sentence was true? It’s so easy for any of us to do. And it comes more naturally for a few of us. Even your parents might do this. I read a study that talked about how anxious parents use more catastrophic language when things go wrong.6 They might say, “She fell and almost broke her arm,” when really you just stumbled and scraped it. But it’s easy to end up doing the same thing. Sometimes it’s fun to make the story a little bigger. Sometimes it might get you a little more attention. And sometimes it’s just the way you see it.

  Maybe you’re more prone to big feelings. Maybe you’re a little more sensitive. Or a little less resilient. And so small problems are perceived as big, and big problems as insurmountable. And we’ve circled right back around to perception. When we catch ourselves using ALL CAPS language, it’s good to ask questions like “Am I catastrophizing?” and “Is this really a small problem, a medium problem, or a huge problem?” If we’re not careful, the Worry Whisperer will take our tendency toward catastrophizing and turn it into our perception of reality.

  It’s another story I’ve heard play out countless times in my counseling office. The first time I ever heard it was from a girl who was afraid of cheating. She was taking a test in class and had an intrusive thought. I would never want the teacher to think I was cheating. I need to be careful where I look. (Anticipation.) That thought took hold in her cortex. Oh no. I just looked around. Now I’m sure my teacher thinks I was cheating.
(Perception.) I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to cheat. (Rumination.) Her cortex then scared her amygdala. What if I already did? Oh no, I cheated. Oh no, I cheated. (Catastrophization.) Then she didn’t feel like things were right until she confessed to the teacher that she had cheated. This bright, conscientious girl had never cheated in her life.

  I’ve seen the same thing happen about a whole host of subjects from thoughts of wanting to hurt someone to sexual thoughts to thoughts of suicide, none of which were what the girls actually wanted. Specifically, I have had a lot of girls over the past few years tell me that it’s not that they would want to kill themselves. It’s that they’re afraid of killing themselves, so they can’t stop thinking about it. If any of the above are true about you, it’s really important that you tell your mom or dad or a counselor. You’re too important to even consider that idea without talking to someone who can help, worries or no worries.

  Catastrophizing is an overestimation of the problem that can take us from thinking of something to believing it’s going to happen. Actually, it’s not just going to happen, But it’s going to be the WORST when it does.

  Underestimation

  Now we’ve passed the problem and come to the you part of our definition. It’s no longer about the likelihood, or your perception, or how terrible the problem is. It’s about you at this point. And you can’t do it. You can’t handle it. You’re going to fail. An overestimation of the problem and an underestimation of yourself.

  The problem is not only too big, but you’re too small. In all of these years of counseling, I have never met a girl who doesn’t struggle with this idea in some area of her life.

  What are your areas? Where do you feel incapable?

  What are the messages the Worry Whisperer sends you when he makes you feel that way?

  There’s not a lot more to say about underestimating other than that it’s a lie. And this is where I would go back to calling the Worry Whisperer by his true name—the Father of Lies. You are capable. Now, when I say the Worry Whisperer is lying and that you are capable, my guess is that you’re arguing with me some inside of yourself. That’s okay. Let’s talk about that.

  I truly believe that God has given you everything that you need—not just around you, but inside of you. Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (ESV). To me, that means if you don’t have it, either (1) He’s still growing it in you or (2) you don’t need it.

  There are certain things you aren’t—you know that already. There are certain things that I’m not too. Some of those are still growing in me, like patience. Maybe you’re not funny. Sometimes I wish I was funny, but I’m not—unless it’s by accident. I could try to work on it, but I still just wouldn’t have it. I’m also not super athletic. It’s not that I’m being hard on myself. It’s just a fact. I’m not capable of certain things athletically that others are. I am a pretty good water-skier and have been since I was little, but I am not a good tennis player, and I’ve tried that since I was little too. We all have different strengths. That doesn’t mean God hasn’t given me everything I need. He’s given you everything you need too.

  I think my favorite passage in the entire Bible is this: “My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there is something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves. And friends, once that’s taken care of and we’re no longer accusing or condemning ourselves, we’re bold and free before God!” (1 John 3:18–21 THE MESSAGE).

  “Even when there is something to it,” to me, means that sometimes there’s a little truth to some of the things I’m critical of myself about. I’m not very funny. I’m not super athletic. And that is okay. I don’t need to be, and I certainly don’t need to worry about it.

  Let me stop and say, for your parents’ sake, that if you’re not good at math, that doesn’t mean you throw up your hands and say, “Oh, well. I’m not good at math.” Some things are just not our gifts, but some things are more like muscles. Patience is one for me. Math might be one for you. There are still muscles we can work on. But what all of that means is that you can be free of underestimating yourself. God has given you everything you need. He has given you exactly what you need to be able to do the thing He’s put in front of you. He wants you to feel bold and free before Him! You can do it.

  Forgetfulness

  Worry has no memory. In my research, I read that statement over and over. It’s one of the Worry Whisperer’s very favorite tricks. And as a counselor or someone whose job is to cheer you on and remind you of how brave you are, this trick makes me crazy! And I’m not catastrophizing. It does because he’s wrong.

  When you go to do your next brave thing, he’s going to pull out all the stops. He’s going to make you think the problem is bigger, that you’re smaller, and that you have never done anything brave before. Even if you did something really brave yesterday or five minutes ago. He loves to make you forget. That’s one of the reasons this book is as much journal as it is book. I want you to remember. In fact, I want you to write down three brave things you’ve done recently below:

  You are brave. You are stronger than any worry that comes your way. And the sooner you recognize his voice and his favorite tricks, the easier it will be to beat him.

  Which of these tricks does the Worry Whisperer use the most with you?

  What specifically does he say?

  I want you to remember those statements so you can recognize him the next time he comes. And I want you to start using your tools to beat him in your mind.

  Brave Tools for Your Mind

  We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

  2 Corinthians 10:5

  Taking captive every thought. I sure like that image. It sounds like we’re beating that lying Worry Whisperer. He is arguing, pretending, catastrophizing, ruminating, and setting himself up against the knowledge of God . . . against the truth that God would want you to hear. But we can take every one of his argumentative thoughts—and those tricks—captive and make them obedient to Christ.

  Science backs up Scripture—isn’t it cool when that happens? Taking every thought captive is possible, not just from a spiritual standpoint, but from a neurological standpoint. Have we talked about the word neuroplasticity yet? It’s basically a smart-sounding word that means that your brain is still growing. We start by taking the thoughts captive that are really the Worry Whisperer’s tricks, and then we have the opportunity to learn new thoughts. To learn tools that will basically rewire your brain.

  Remember when we said what fires together is wired together? You can change the circuitry of your brain by what you practice. We strengthen circuits by using them. It’s not just immediate relief, like breathing and grounding, although we have to start with the immediate help to give our brains a chance to change. But when you practice taking those thoughts (tricks) captive and replacing them with new ones, you’re literally changing your cortex. The cortex learns by education, logic, argument, and experience. Research says that the best way to rewire the circuitry in the cortex is for you to practice the thoughts and interpretations you want to strengthen.7

  The cortex is the much easier anxiety pathway to change. We’re going to talk about changing the amygdala in the next chapter, but it’s going to take more muscle than thought. For now, we want to focus on captive thoughts and a captive Worry Whisperer.

  Expect Worry

  I know—it sounds weird that expecting worry is a thought I want you to practice. But I do. Have you ever heard the definition of insanity that is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”? I love that because it’s helped me stop doing some of the
same things over and over. It’s helped mainly by changing my expectations. The goal for this book isn’t for you to never worry again. I want you to expect worry.

  There are going to be hard things that happen, which we’ll talk more about in chapter 7. But you also worry because of your temperament, remember? You worry because you care deeply and are smart and conscientious and thoughtful. You will go through phases when the Worry Whisperer is louder and quieter—likely for the rest of your life. He’ll be quiet for a period of time. Then when he resurfaces like in the whac-a-mole game, I want you to simply think, Worry’s back. Not surprised. Not alarmed that something is wrong with you. Not that the Brave book you read when you were a teenager didn’t help.

  Know your triggers and expect worry. He’ll be back, but you’ll be stronger. The more you expect him, the more you recognize his voice when he resurfaces. Sooner is stronger. Every time. And next time, you’ll know even better how to fight him.

  Worry Time

  Knowing that you’re going to worry will help when the worries come. I always want you to remember, though, that you’re stronger than your worries. So I want you to do something that’s going to sound strange. Well, I want you to do it until the Worry Whisperer is captive again.

  Set aside a time for worry. Yes, you read that right. Schedule a worry time. Scheduling worry does a few important things:

  It keeps you from pushing the emotions down so hard that they come out sideways as anger or even greater anxiety.

  It keeps you from feeling like you have to fight this battle perfectly, because I sure don’t want to add to the list of things you think you have to do perfectly.

  It reminds you that you’re in control of your worry. It is not in control of you.