The Shy Captain

by Michelle Sutton

  "Look, Sammie, I can't help you if you won't tell me what's on your mind." His eyes pleaded with hers.

  She choked and shook her head. A tiny hiccup erupted from her as she started sobbing all over again.

  Not knowing what else to do, he wrapped his arms around her and just held her until she was ready to speak. He ran his hand down the length of her silky hair and moved his palm around her back in a comforting, circular motion. It felt so good to hold her, just not under these circumstances.

  "Whatever it is, everything's gonna be okay," he whispered. He buried his face in her hair and held her close. The heady sensation of being so near made his body tremble. He inhaled the scent of her shampoo and her clean skin, breathing in deeply. She smelled so wonderful that his heart pounded viciously until his pulse thundered in his ears.

  She finally pulled gently away from him and inhaled a shaky breath.

  Jimmy handed her the paisley hanky he'd stuffed in his pocket when he'd left the house that morning. She averted her gaze as she wiped the tears from her cheeks and swiped at her nose.

  "I don't know what came over me. It's just when you kissed me, well, I just felt that you cared, that somebody really cared about me. I guess it just hit me about how truly alone I have been for the past few years since my dad died."

  "I understand. I often miss my family, too."

  She offered him a shy smile, a few stray tears slipping down. "Thanks for holding me. It felt really good to be held."

  "Can't say I didn't enjoy it." He grinned, thrilled she was finally calm.

  "I guess I needed a good cry. I feel much better now."

  "Glad I could help." Jimmy chucked her chin.

  Releasing a shuddering breath, she belted out, "I'm sorry if I overwhelmed you with my feelings. I can't believe I reacted so strongly to an innocent kiss."

  "Hey, look at me." He guided her head so she would look at him. "There's nothing to apologize for. Everyone needs to feel that someone cares. I'm just glad you chose to share your heart with me tonight. Because I do care, Sammie."

  Her eyes closed for a moment, and then she opened them and locked onto his gaze.

  He hoped his eyes conveyed his sincerity. He waited for her response.

  She glanced away, nibbled on the corner of her mouth, and nodded.

  "Good. I want you to know you can always trust me, okay?" As he turned her face toward him again, he peered deep into her eyes. He suddenly felt emotionally naked. Exposed. He was sharing his heart with her, and yet he sensed that she wasn't ready to share her heart yet. Not with anyone. That made him indescribably sad.

  She laughed nervously and announced, "I don't feel like eating anymore, but my empty stomach still hurts."

  His appetite had waned, too. "How about ice cream? It's always good for the soul."

  "Now there's a man after my own heart."

  Jimmy smiled as warmly as he could and tried to think positively. Things were improving and he didn't want to lose the momentum. He pulled a half-gallon of chocolate chip ice cream out of the freezer and set out two dishes. He sensed her watching him as he filled the bowls and returned the carton to the freezer.

  "What do you want to talk about?"

  "Let me think." She took a bite of her ice cream and offered him a spoonful.

  He grinned and opened his mouth.

  She slid the ice cream inside with her spoon. The look on her face was incredibly sensual. "Yummy, huh?"

  He nodded.

  She smiled shyly and handed him her spoon. "Feed me now?"

  Suppressing a delighted moan, he slid a bite of ice cream into her mouth and waited for her response. The game they were playing was getting him hot enough to squirm. It didn't help that they were alone in his kitchen. It would be so easy to take things further if they didn't slow things down…

  Licking her lips as she watched him, she then closed her eyes and swallowed.

  That action was all he needed to push him over the edge. He needed to taste her again or he'd go mad just thinking about doing it. Setting his bowl on the counter, he gently grabbed her arms and lowered his mouth to hers. She responded more fervently than he'd anticipated as their cool, sweet tongues engaged. The sensual kiss made his head swim with pleasure.

  He moaned. Everything in him tensed and heated as they explored each other like two hungry singles deprived of affection for far too long. He sensed her arm moving and wondered what she intended to do with her hand. He was eager to find out and made a move of his own.

  A crash made him jump back.

  "Oops. I missed the counter." She giggled.

  He sucked in a deep breath. What was he doing kissing her like that? Things were getting way too hot for a weak man like him to be engaged in. In fact, he'd been so into the heat of the moment that everything melted away but the sensation of her mouth on his and his desire to overwhelm her with himself. All thoughts of God and his plans to remain pure had vanished. He had wanted her so much it scared him.

  He shook off the thoughts and shifted his attention to the spill. God needed to help him get his self-control back.

  "Not a problem. I'll get you another bowl." Glad for the diversion, he quickly cleaned up the mess and dished her up another dessert.

  "Now, where were we…?" He popped a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth and tried to suppress a delighted smile as he thought about that awesome kiss. He needed to keep his thoughts pure. Being around her made that tough.

  "Sure you want to go there again, mister?"

  "I'm fighting it." He swallowed hard. Truth was he wasn't fighting much at all.

  She laughed and winked at him. "Maybe we better go outside."

  "Right. So what do you want to talk about?" He opened the door for her.

  "Well, you know quite a bit about me now. I'd like to get to know you better. Tell me about how you became a Christian."

  He stopped for a moment before he closed the door. He still didn't feel like he knew much about her. But a small thrill coursed through him when he realized that God had answered his prayer and given him the opportunity he'd waited for. He turned to look at Sammie. "Okay, I'll tell you about it. But first, let's get settled on the front porch swing and do some stargazing. It's a beautiful night."

  She led the way to the swinging bench. It was wide enough for three people to comfortably share. She sat sideways with one leg bent and poised as if ready to listen.

  Jimmy decided to start his testimony like he did so many times before, with his difficult teenage years. He shared about his paternal grandmother and how she was a devout Christian and how that this caused a strained relationship with his mother who resisted anything that had to do with God or Jesus.

  "Mom was proud of the fact that she could ‘take care of herself'. That was an illusion, of course."

  "Hmm mmmm." Sammie nodded.

  "Mom would get very defensive when my grandma visited and talked about her love for the Lord. She was always sharing how Jesus will take care of people, if they let Him, and if they trusted Him with their whole heart. That drove my mom nuts."

  Sammie pulled the few loose strands of hair that kept getting caught in her lips and she tucked them behind her ear as the gentle breeze wafted around them.

  "Mom didn't want to hear the message, so as time went on visits became fewer and further between. Grandma wanted to visit but mom fought it because she said she didn't want all of that religion to influence me. But little did Mom know that Jesus was exactly what I needed at that time in my life."

  "That's neat, Jimmy."

  "Yeah, it wasn't until my dad died that mom agreed to let me see grandma again. She was even willing to let me go see Gram on her turf."

  "What happened to your dad?"

  "His parachute got all fouled up when he was on a practice run. He died on impact."

  "That's so sad." Her eyes filled, encouraging him on.

  "That morning before he went to work my dad gave me a hug goodbye and said, ‘I love you, son." Jimmy c
leared his throat as he tried to control his emotion enough to finish the story. "He never did that before. It was like he knew…."

  "What a gift to you." Her voice was rough.

  "Yeah." He wiped his cheeks. "Sorry, it's hard for me to talk about."

  "I understand. What was your dad doing parachuting? Was he one of those guys who jumped from airplanes for sport?"

  Jimmy shook his head. "He was in the Air Force, remember?" A tinge of bitterness hung on his words.

  Sammie looked a little pale as she asked, "You sound like you're mad. I don't remember you telling me that about your dad. Do you have something against the military?"

  Jimmy rubbed his chin. "Not the military per se. Just how it happened so suddenly. I know anyone can die at any time for any reason, but my dad had a family and he still chose such a risky career."

  "Lots of people do. It's part of life." Her brow furrowed.

  He hesitated, wondering why she seemed to take it personally. "I'm just saying—"

  "You're saying stuff you really don't mean because you're upset."

  He watched her for a moment. "Listen, I was just a kid when it happened. I wasn't ready for him to die, so of course that makes me mad. But I still support our troops. I admire them for the risks they take to serve our country.

  She sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry if my comments upset you. Let's talk about something else."

  "Fine with me. Getting back to Mom… I'm not sure what changed her mind about my grandma. Maybe it was guilt. Whatever it was, I am sure glad she sent me away that summer. My mom ended up in the hospital with clinical depression. It was the best thing that ever happened to me."

  Sammie stared, mouth open. "Why would your mom being hospitalized for depression be the best thing that ever happened to you?"

  "No, that's not what I meant to say. I meant being sent away to my grandma's was the best thing that ever happened to me."

  Sammie smiled and her face looked hopeful. "Did anything happen to make you feel that way?"

  He flashed a wry smile. "I was getting to that part."

  Her face turned a deep shade of red. How strange…

  "The first few days I visited grandma were great. We talked about dad, reminisced about things that we did when he was alive, cried on each other's shoulders. It was a very healing time for me. Up to that point I wasn't allowed to grieve. My mom went nuts after my dad died, so in a sense I lost both my parents at the same time."

  "That must have been really hard. Do you think that's why you're so good with people?"

  "Maybe, I'm not sure. Anyway, my grandma was patient with me when I first came to visit because she knew I was hurting. But so was she. She'd lost her oldest son to a tragic accident. Then little by little she shared with me about her relationship with Jesus. At that time I was more open to hear what she needed to say, especially since my mom wasn't there to cut Grandma down all the time."

  "Makes sense."

  "Exactly! What my grandma said made a lot of sense. She told me that my dad asked Jesus to be his Savior before he married my mom. Being with my mother really dragged him down and he seemed to lose his faith. He lived his life the best way he knew how, even though he wasn't that strong. His marriage to my mom and his career took priority over his relationship with God."

  "How do you know that?" She frowned again. "Isn't that being a little judgmental?"

  "It's just how things were. Dad tried hard to keep the peace in our home. I think that's where he went wrong. My mom had several affairs when she was going through her depression but my dad just kept hanging in there. Can you believe I didn't even know he claimed to be a Christian while he was alive? His own son!"

  "Faith can be private for some people."

  "That wasn't it at all. He was gone so much because of the military he never had time to share his heart with me. When he was home he would go to church, but not often because mom made his life miserable afterwards. In fact, that was mostly what they fought about. His missing church and her seeing other men. She said it was his fault because he was gone so much and she got lonely. He blamed himself, but the truth is that she just wore him down so he agreed with her."

  "He made his own choices. Maybe she really was lonely."

  "And that makes it okay?"

  "Of course not. I'm just saying that if he had been around more maybe she wouldn't have strayed. Even so, he made the choice to stay with her despite all that. He knew what he was dealing with."

  Jimmy shrugged. "Maybe so. I don't remember much but my Grandma said that's where dad went wrong. He should have stuck up for what was right instead of giving in all the time. And he should not have put another human being before his relationship with Christ. She always said if you put God first then you will have peace in your life and nothing will hinder your prayers."

  *****

  Sadness crept into Jimmy's voice. It made Sammie want to hold him, to kiss him again. She waited to see what he was going to share next.

  "My grandma died last year. She had just turned seventy-eight and had lived a good life. I'd just completed my Master's Degree in Counseling and graduated from the University in Colorado Springs."

  "Wait a minute," Sammie jolted. "I thought you were and antique dealer and you worked in Tombstone part-time."

  With brows raised he asked, "Where'd you get that idea? I said I volunteered."

  "I guess I thought that because you talk about antiques a lot. Silly assumption, I guess."

  Jimmy shrugged. "I wouldn't mind doing that full-time when I retire, but for now the Lord has called me to the ministry. You'd be amazed at the need there is in this community for Christian counselors. Sam and I have more than enough people to keep us both working full-time."

  She smirked. "You aren't going to psychoanalyze me, are you?"

  "Absolutely not. I'll only offer help when you ask me for it." His gaze filled with affection and he touched her arm. "And I do hope you'll ask me for it once in awhile."

  The look in his eyes made her stomach twist. "Wow, that sounds like pretty intense work you do. And difficult, too. Don't you experience struggles from dealing with so many hurting people?"

  His incredulous gaze made her feel stupid.

  "Of course. Stress comes with most jobs."

  "I mean do you ever feel far away from God like He's abandoned you?"

  "Sure, everyone struggles like that at times."

  "I know. But does everyone feel abandoned by God? Is that something you see with many of your clients?"

  "Not necessarily. I can only speak for myself. My biggest struggle probably came when my mom died. She'd been hospitalized a second time for depression. She was a real mess. I didn't know that she'd been off her medication before, because things seemed to go well for awhile. She even let me talk to her about ‘my religion' once in awhile."

  "Well, that was good then, wasn't it?"

  "Not exactly, because when she felt better she stopped taking her medication, so when the depression came back it was ten times worse than before. She turned to alcohol as a way of coping with her mood swings after dad died. Right after I finished my sophomore year in high school, I received a phone call that she had killed herself."

  "Oh!" Sammie cringed. "I'm so sorry. What happened?"

  "She slammed head on into a Mack truck while driving home from a bar."

  "That's so sad. Are they sure it wasn't an accident?"

  "There were witnesses who saw her do it. And yeah, I was really angry with God. I wanted Him to intervene and fix my mother's brain and heal the depression that finally killed her."

  "I can see why you'd be mad at God. I would be, too. I bet you're really good at what you do."

  He looked up and shrugged. "I guess."

  She was quiet for a minute. "Where did your grandmother live?"

  "Syracuse, on the East Side of town. In Eastwood. We lived off of James Street. I can't remember the number of the house. It's been years since I've been there to visit and when I was the
re it was only for a month or so."

  "How old were you?"

  "Fifteen. Sixteen, maybe. I can't remember. I blocked a lot of that year out."

  "Were you tall, like you are now?"

  "Nope, I was short and fat. I didn't start to really grow until my freshman year of college. I was a late bloomer."

  "Did you meet anyone interesting while you lived with your grandmother?" She held her breath fearing that he wouldn't remember her, but praying he did.

  "Not really." His brow crunched and he looked off to the side like he tried to remember.

  Sammie's spirits sank low. She had been so sure he was her James, yet how was it he didn't remember her at all? Everything seemed to fit including where his grandmother lived. Had she really been that insignificant to him?

  "Can I see a picture of you from back then? I'm just curious about what you looked like." This would be the deciding factor to prove it wasn't just a coincidence. She could always be wrong.

  He wrinkled his face like he thought that was a strange question. "I think so. Give me a minute and I'll go check." He slipped into his house. A few minutes later he emerged with a photo of himself standing next to his grandma.

  Sammie leaned over to get a good look at the photo but it was too dark on the porch. "Can we go inside? I can't see it very well out here."

  "Sure."

  When she stepped inside and he closed the door she took another look.

  There was no mistaking it. That was her James in the photo. Her breath caught and she choked on the emotion flooding her at the memory.

  "Wasn't much to look at, was I?" He grinned.

  Her spirits sank lower. He didn't remember her. How could she deal with that? She purposed that from this time forth she would be such a part of his life that he'd never forget her again. If she couldn't resurrect his old memories of her, then she'd just have to create new ones. All she needed was a plan. She stuffed the pain and blinked back the tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

  "Not much to look at was I?" He repeated as he put their dishes on the counter.

  She gazed up at him wondering what he wanted her to say. She responded quietly, "I wouldn't say that."