Under The Magnolia

by Kelsey Soliz

  shakes and quivers moving aside for the big event.

  When I was a fumbling teenager with my first love, we had no idea what

  we were doing. I can’t say I like thinking how he learned to move his body

  like this, but Theo is a man. He knows exactly what he’s doing, so I’ll enjoy

  the repercussions of all that work he put in.

  I’m gripping onto him like he’s the only thing keeping me from

  drowning. He pauses for a minute, buried deep inside of me, taking time to

  kiss me and reaffirm how beautiful he thinks I am, all the little things I do

  that amaze him. I can’t hear it really, but his lips…his lips do the job of

  convincing me what his voice can’t quite touch. He really wants me.

  I feel a hot, salty tear start running down my face as I feel worthy for the

  first time since everything went to hell. I’ve had moments, pockets of

  happiness, but they always ended with me alone. Theo rolls us again so I’m

  fully underneath him, his body pushing me into the mattress but making me

  feel safe and protected.

  A strange whimpering noise passes through my lips as he senses my

  impending demise, his hips snapping against me faster and faster until I’m

  sure my body will break. But then everything gets washed in golden light as

  he sends me over the edge, and I can’t help the thick way my voice calls his

  name, half mourning, half rejoicing at what I just found with him.

  “Fuck, baby, don’t cry, don’t cry. I’ve got you. You make me feel so

  good.”

  He leans down to kiss my tears away, fine tremors throughout my entire

  nervous system. There’s a moment of slight awkward just then where I’m

  not sure he found his release or not. He’s not moving his hips anymore, but

  I can feel the tension in his body still. I shift slightly and he snaps into me a

  few more times, then we’re both leaking tears.

  “I know why I’m crying, but why are you crying?”

  “Amelia, I’ve just wanted this for so long. I didn’t think you’d ever see

  me as someone who could do this for you. Touch you like this. I’ve seen

  how much you’ve struggled with since you came into my life, and so many

  times I wanted to just wrap you up until everything got easier.”

  He kisses me again and everything settles around us, making peace with

  the moment and what we just did with our bodies. There’s a thrum of

  satisfaction in every one of my limbs, my near-useless legs feeling

  pleasantly well-used. I feel alive for maybe the first time in a long, long

  while.

  Constantine

  I know I should be with Amelia right now, but yard work just seems like

  a good idea. I had to exercise my demons before I attempted to move

  forward with her, and luckily my Mom’s place needed some work.

  She looked at me a little funny when I showed up, no doubt wondering

  why my face looks so unhappy when the love of my life just showed back

  up. I want to be happy. Would love to be happy. Cameron…Cameron was

  happy. He’d been downright obnoxious with his excitement and jumping on

  the everything-Amelia bandwagon. Already talking about getting her a ring.

  Alex, the one that always held out on her previously, the one that had the

  hardest time admitting to himself that Amelia had enough heart to share it

  with all of us, he wouldn’t leave her side. He was Mr. Domesticity- cooking

  for her, doing dishes, watching her paint…

  So why couldn’t I let go of all this anger? I knew she loved me. At a

  fundamental level, I knew that the person she is loves the person I am, but I

  couldn’t marry that with the fact that for two years, she had shut us out. For

  two fucking years, she didn’t bother to pick up a phone and tell her best

  friends what had happened. That she nearly died, and didn’t seem to care

  that we knew she was alright or not.

  I hated that I was getting in the way of my own happiness, knew that I

  should probably just let it go and start my life with her- I’ve waited long

  enough. But then I think about her sitting in that hospital room with a

  stranger, moving in with a stranger…why the hell didn’t she call us? We

  would be in such a different place right now.

  Just the way she looked at me though when we showed up at Theo’s

  place- I fucking hate that she can’t see me. I hate that…well, I just hate.

  Nearly everything about this situation. I stop the lawnmower and throw

  down my gloves, trying to hold everything in, but I know I’m a ticking time

  bomb. There’s too much to feel for me to not explode. Was she still my

  Amelia? Could we actually make this work?

  I’m stopped short at the sound of laughter on the breeze, wanting to go

  punch something because I know I’m losing my mind. How many times

  when she was missing had I thought I saw her in a crowd? Thought I saw

  her long hair in a passing car? Smelled her honeysuckle scent when I was

  buying groceries?

  Maybe that’s why I’m so angry. What if I actually had seen her, and we

  could have skipped all this awkward getting-to-know-you-again phase? No,

  that wouldn’t have worked. And from what Theo said, she pretty much

  doesn’t leave the house. I hate that. The Amelia I used to know loved to be

  outside and do stuff.

  “Constantine? Are you out here?”

  My blood freezes and I turn in the direction of that voice before I even

  understand I want to. And just like that, I feel all that anger slipping away,

  all the bitter thoughts melting like butter. I can’t not look at the girl and

  smile.

  “Amelia? What are you doing at my Mom’s place? Who drove you?”

  “Sorry, I…Cam’s inside visiting. I thought we should talk.”

  We need to talk. Was it starting already? I walk towards her because I’d

  be a jerk not to, considering she can’t see a damn thing to close the distance

  herself. I give myself a few seconds to simply watch her. Damn, she’s

  gorgeous. She’s wearing a sun dress that shows off her shoulders and it’s all

  I can do to not just close all the distance between us and kiss them.

  “Everything happened so quick the last week, and I thought that you

  were happy to see me, but you’ve been avoiding me. I mean, you’re at the

  house, but you’re not really there. Must be a pretty big shock for me to just

  show up and change everything around, huh?”

  Damnit. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice my bad mood, thought I could

  hide within all the other guys vying for her attentions, but I should have

  known better. Amelia and I had our own thing.

  “I’m sorry Amelia. It’s just…”

  “You’re angry with me.”

  I let out a big exhale, needing to touch her. “Will you come sit down with

  me?”

  She offers me her hand, just trusting that I’ll be able to position her okay.

  “I’m angry.”

  She’s sitting on the grass facing me, messing with her hair like she’s

  nervous. “I’m pretty sure you have every right to be. I know that emotion

  well- I was angry for a long time too.”

  And now I feel like a jackass because she’s just put everything into

  perspective, and I feel whiny.

  “You want to know
why I never called?”

  “Yes. Why the hell didn’t you call? I keep looking at it from any angle I

  can think of- I don’t understand why you didn’t let us in! We could have

  been there the whole time, helping you, loving you- do you not want us?

  Did you think we would not want you if we saw you like that?”

  Fuck. Now I made her cry. “Damnit. Come here.” I pull her into me,

  lying back so I can hold her. She buries her face into my chest, trembling,

  her hands gripping my t-shirt.

  “I’m sorry for hurting you, Constantine. I wanted to call you guys, so

  many times. It was so hard not to.”

  “Make me understand, Mils, because I feel like I’m stuck in purgatory

  here. I have all these memories of kissing you and hanging out with you,

  then all these feelings of dry emptiness, of trying to form a new life without

  you in it.”

  “Well, I should probably start at the beginning- Theo told you about the

  school I was at?”

  I nod, but then vocalize, remembering she won’t see it.

  “That night you guys showed up at my house, when my Aunt kicked you

  off the property…you seemed off-put when I started pinching myself?”

  “Shit, I almost forgot about that. You weren’t just pinching Amelia, you

  were mottling your skin up.”

  “Yeah, well that was the method suggested to me from that school to

  cleanse myself from impure thoughts. I don’t want to go all ‘pity-me’ here,

  but it might help you understand my thought process. For a year and a half,

  I had it drilled into me that you guys weren’t mine.

  “And I know you know now about Sophie’s meddling, but as far as I

  knew, you guys were happy. I saw those pictures of you guys hanging out

  with friends and doing normal teen stuff, and I honestly thought you were

  all happy.”

  “That’s ridiculous- you have to know most of those were staged and that

  those were some of the only times we smiled. We were definitely not happy,

  Amelia. We were a total mess.”

  “Yeah, I kind of know that now. But then?” She shakes her head. “I

  thought my life was never going to be mine again, Constantine. Between

  that school and my aunt, not even my thoughts were my own. Everyone was

  managing my life, telling me how to behave, how to think, and if I didn’t

  comply things were even worse.”

  “You know, I was going to break you out of your house that night. I was

  waiting in the woods for night to fall so I could sneak in and steal you.”

  “Steal me, huh?”

  “Hey, teenage me wanted to be with his girl. I don’t know what I would

  have done with you after the fact, but you were 18 so it was going to

  happen.”

  “I wish I had been stronger- I thought about running away, but my mind

  was so…clouded…that I didn’t feel like I had anywhere to go. Anyway, we

  could waste our whole lives wondering ‘what if?’. So many things could

  have been different, but the fact is, they aren’t.

  “And then the fire…I don’t really want to talk about that part too much,

  but when I woke up, and the doctor told me how ruined I was…coupled

  with the fact that I still thought you guys were doing okay, my biggest fear

  was that you’d find out and throw everything away to help me.”

  “We would have, in a heartbeat.”

  “Which is why I couldn’t call. As far as I saw it, I was a complete

  invalid, and you were a bunch of cute teenage boys trying to pick up girls

  and grow up. If you had come to see me, you wouldn’t have left. I thought

  that if you guys came in, you’d never leave, and I’d be taking your whole

  future from you.

  “It was ingrained in me that you guys needed to be free of me, free to live

  how you wanted to live, to make mistakes and have your chance at finding

  someone to love that could give you everything you needed. When I

  couldn’t even move my legs, or open my eyes, how could I do anything for

  you? For any of you?”

  I wipe the tears from her face, finally understanding something. “You

  didn’t call because you thought by sacrificing your own happiness, you

  were helping us to find ours?”

  “In a nutshell, yeah. I thought that the only thing that would come from

  me calling you would be growing resentment. That we’d grow up and

  eventually you’d realize you wasted your youth trying to play nurse.

  “Plus, you guys always made me feel pretty and loved. I wasn’t that

  anymore. I didn’t want to hear the way your voice would have changed, or

  find out that you wouldn’t see me as someone you’d want to kiss and build

  a life with.”

  I kiss her. Damn do I kiss her. It’s not like that first kiss I gave her when

  we found her again, this is more of a reconnection, proof that I still see her

  as a woman.

  “Does that make things clearer? Amelia, it’s your heart that I love. Its our

  lifetime of shared memories, and the way you have to check your breathing

  every time I touch you. I’m sorry I’ve been distant.”

  “I knew that if we ever got back together there would be issues to work

  past. We haven’t been able to be together like this since we were like 16.

  We’re totally different people now. Maybe we’ve changed too much.”

  I kiss her again to stop that crazy talk. “Stop talking, Amelia. We could

  wait twenty years and carry on like none had. You don’t outgrow

  soulmates.”

  “I hate that we all have all these twisted memories now, that we all had to

  struggle so much to get here.”

  I pull her closer yet, squeezing her, feeling her life pulse under my hands.

  “Worth it. I love you, Mils.”

  And just like that, all the tension drains from me, crawling over the grass

  to escape. I get to sit there and hold Amelia, feel her mouth on mine while

  the sun shines and the birds call. I have to suppress all the other issues I

  have with the past, with the girls I’ve wasted time on, because those were

  my issues to deal with.

  Would I have seen her differently if I had taken on the role of caretaker?

  It’s hard to say no absolutely, but I know I’m already scared to really touch

  her, because I have this image of her being so breakable now. Which is total

  shit, but something about seeing the way she relies on those she trusts so

  much makes me think that maybe I would have.

  When my dad left us, when he left the last bruise marking up my

  mother’s body, I knew that I would do whatever it takes to be as different

  from him as possible. I knew I wasn’t always the friendliest, but a few days

  with this girl already had me thinking in damn near poetry, noticing birds

  and shit.

  “You want to protect me, don’t you?”

  I tuck her hair over her shoulder, kissing it like I’ve been wanting to.

  “How do you do that? Did you gain telepathy when you healed?” She

  gives me the sweetest damn giggle, her fingers tickling my sides a little as

  she runs them up it.

  “I really can’t see much, but I know the way you think, and the way you

  look when you’re thinking. I’m reading the way your body language feels,

  too.”

>   “I was just thinking you might have been right- even now I’m worried

  that if I try anything with you, I’ll hurt you.”

  She grabs my hand, places it right over her breast, and shivers a little.

  “I’m not a piece of glass. I know my body is different, but it still

  remembers the way you used to touch me.”

  That makes me groan, thinking of making out in cars and hiding behind

  trees. My dick wakes up, pressing against her leg while she squirms.

  “I don’t want to rush anything, Mils.”

  “I don’t want to drag everything out, Tina. If you’re mine, really mine, I

  need to feel it. Otherwise, we need to put some boundaries in place and

  figure out what we’re doing.”

  “Fuck boundaries. You’re mine.” I feel her nipple pebble and I lean

  forward, biting it through the cotton of her dress and letting my fingers slip

  under her skirt to feel her bare legs. They’re different, less toned, but they

  still feel incredible. As does the wet heat I find at the top of her thighs.

  “Can I touch you, baby? I need to know if this is as good as I remember.”

  She nods frantically, kissing me while I trace inside and outside her

  seam, slipping a finger in to swirl up all that delicious slick, teasing her clit

  and plunging inside of her. Her whole body goes taut as I start working her,

  my fingers working on muscle memory from when we were teens. Except

  I’ve learned a few things since then, so I bring her faster than I thought

  possible, adding another finger for her to cream all over as she calls my

  name in that perfect, husky voice she gets when she’s turned on.

  “God, I missed you, girl.”

  She’s too worked up to speak, and I wait until her body’s done twitching

  before sucking my fingers clean, and leaving the taste of her body on her

  own lips so we match. “Fuck boundaries.”

  Alex

  I pound on Sophie’s door, ready to pick a fight. She looks happy to see

  me, but her smile diminishes as she sees the monster hiding in my eyes.

  Then she seems to remember I didn’t show up at the funeral last week and

  she crosses her arms, as if she has any ground to stand on to be angry with

  me.

  “You embarrassed me. I needed you to be there for me, Alex.”

  I can’t even look at her face right now. There had been moments, short-

  lived ones, where I’d been with her and thought that maybe, just maybe