After You Died

by Dea Poirier

  “I never asked you for the cigarettes. The only thing I ever asked you for is help with Eden. You give the cigarettes to me. Don’t make yourself into a martyr here. You do this, you work with the guards because you want to, because you like it. So don’t act like you’re doing everyone some huge favor.”

  He presses his lips together, but doesn’t say anything.

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought,” I say as I turn away from him. I walk toward the stables, I can’t stomach the idea of sleeping in the same room as him.

  As I walk through the stables, Ginger pops her head out. I stop, long enough for her to nuzzle me. I wrap my arms around her neck and hug her. It isn’t until she snorts at me that I let her go.

  In the loft, I collapse next to the window. I pull my legs to my chest and rest my head on my knees. The anger that boiled inside me only a few minutes ago is now shrouded in sadness. The night started with Sayid almost kissing me, and now I’m sure he’ll never talk to me again.

  I WAKE UP to the smell of bacon. My bleary eyes open, and I look at the worn, weathered boards of the stables. It takes me a second to sort it out, to realize if I’m in the stables, I shouldn’t be able to smell bacon. I’m too far from the dining hall. My body aches as I push myself off the floor.

  When I turn around, my heart nearly leaps out of my chest, my breath catches.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Sayid says, he sits next to me with his legs crossed. Two plates of food sit on the floor in front of him.

  “It’s fine,” I say as I take a deep breath in hopes of easing my fear.

  “I thought we could have breakfast up here, and you know, talk,” he says as his eyes drop to the floor. I’m surprised to see his food looks entirely untouched.

  Though anger still nags at the back of my mind, I regret fighting with him. I shouldn’t have said what I did, I had no right to be jealous.

  “But we’re not supposed to have food out of the dining hall,” I say as I point toward the plates.

  “I pulled some strings.”

  My guts knot. What did he have to do to pull those strings? I look away and swallow hard.

  “Nothing like that,” he says defensively. “Though now I’m going to have to find Brandon like, seven comic books that are nearly impossible to get a hold of.”

  I know I should feel better, but I don’t. I grab a piece of bacon, hoping it will distract me.

  He reaches out, and rests his hand on mine. I inhale sharply, and my pulse quickens at his touch. My eyes meet his, though I know I want him, and he wants me, deep down I know it’d be easier if I didn’t. My mind is consumed by guilt. Six months ago, I’d been so sure I loved Olivia.

  There’s an intensity behind my desire for Sayid that scares me, something I’ve never felt before. More than that, I’m scared of what it might mean for him. All I’m going to do is hurt him. What if the next body I wake up beside is his?

  A warning is caught in my throat. My mouth hangs open, the words just won’t come. “Sayid, I’m a killer,” I say, as I force the words out.

  He looks down, and presses his lips together. “I don’t care, I know you won’t hurt me.”

  I look up at him, my face turned down. “I bet Olivia thought the same thing.”

  He chuckles once. But I’m not joking.

  I pull my hand away and grab my fork.

  “Are you okay?” he asks as I pick at my eggs.

  “Yeah, just processing everything that happened last night.” The anger, the harsh words between us, him with the guard, it’s all still too fresh in my mind.

  “I’m sorry,” he says as he rests his hand on my knee.

  “Me too,” I say.

  He looks away. “I wasn’t sure you liked me back. Or that you were ready to like me back. So I didn’t think the thing with the guard would bother you.” He looks at me. “It was stupid, and I shouldn’t have done it. Especially not with you right there. I wasn’t trying to flaunt it or anything.”

  “I know you’re just doing what you have to do to survive here. It shouldn’t bother me. I never thought I’d be the jealous type.”

  He smiles wide. “So, you do like me back then?”

  I roll my eyes at him. He leans closer, and I hold my breath. The blood rushes to my head. I pull back, and my cheeks flush.

  “I’m not sure we should...” I say, but my words lack conviction. If we get any closer, I don’t know what will happen to him. All I know is I can’t lose him. His lips are inches away. For a moment, his breath melds with mine. Soft finger tips brush against my jaw, settling on my chin.

  “I’m sure,” he says as his lips finally meet mine.

  After

  To my surprise when I get to the stables, I find Sayid leaning against the worn wood walls of the hayloft, smoking a cigarette. He’s got two bundles of newspaper folded up in front of him. Sayid’s eyes linger on my face as I approach him.

  “Hey,” I say, though I try to keep my voice even, the surprise lifts my words.

  He nods and smiles.

  “What’s that?” I ask as I point toward the bundles of newspaper in front of him.

  “I thought you might want to have lunch up here,” he says as he unfolds the paper to show me the sandwiches hidden inside.

  For a moment, I just stare at him, bewildered. I’m struck stupid by the nice gesture. My heartbeat is so uneven, it seems to flip-flop.

  I take a seat next to Sayid, and sag against the wall. Thoughts swarm inside my mind, it still seems impossible what they do to students here, what they could do to me. I feel like the world has tilted around me.

  He rests his hand on my arm. The tightness in my chest eases. “You okay?” he asks.

  I nod. “I’ll be fine.” It’s a lie, I’m saying it for his benefit. He doesn’t need to worry about me.

  He picks up half of a sandwich and offers it to me. I’m not hungry, but I take it. I bite through the white bread, turkey, and a thick layer of mayo. Sayid picks up another half, and rips off a chunk.

  Sayid looks down at his sandwich, silence brewing between us. He nudges me, and offers me a smile. But I don’t return it. I can’t.

  “What was the best day of your life?” he asks.

  My mind is a blur as I try to grasp a memory. It’s hard to narrow down the best one. One good enough that I’d call it the best day of my life. Sayid looks at me after I consider for a few minutes.

  “I’m thinking,” I say as I take another bite of my sandwich. “Probably my tenth birthday,” I admit. My cheeks burn with embarrassment.

  He turns his head, and I can tell by the way that he looks at me that he’s trying to suppress a smile. “Why your tenth birthday?”

  “Eden, Olivia and I all celebrated together. Our moms took us to the springs, we spent all day swimming. We got to see the manatees.” I look down, realizing that he might think it’s stupid. “I don’t know. It was nice. We spent the next week together nursing sunburns. Amma made Eden and I a cake with so much chocolate, it made my teeth hurt.” Laughter almost slips out, and a smile curves my lips. “Eden got yelled at by one of the park rangers because she hugged one of the baby manatees. They threatened to kick us out.”

  “I bet it’s hard being away from her,” he says, it’s almost a question.

  I nod. “I wasn’t sure I could live without her to be honest.” A breathy laugh slips from my lips. I’d give anything to go back to that day, to spend a day at the springs with Eden again. I take another bite of my sandwich to keep my hands busy. “Have you heard from her?” I hate to ask again and again, but I can’t help but wonder about my sister. Where is she? Why isn’t she answering? It feels like every time I talk about her I’m slowly sinking.

  He shakes his head. “Nothing yet, I keep trying.”

  “What about you, what was the best day of your life?” I ask him, because I can’t stand to talk about Eden anymore.

  He shrugs. “I don’t know. Don’t really have one,” he says as he brushes off
the question.

  “You’ve got to have something,” I press. His life couldn’t have been all bad. There has to be at least one happy memory.

  “This right here,” he says as he pats my knee. “This is about as good as it gets.”

  My cheeks burn, and I swallow hard.

  “I need to check something in the laundry. I’ll see you later tonight,” he says as he pops up from the floor. Before I can even wave goodbye he disappears.

  Why’d he leave in such a rush?

  I climb up to the hayloft and pull out a cigarette. Since I got caught smoking by Melvin, I’ve been more careful to make sure that he doesn’t see me. So many of the others here at Dozier aren’t careful. They run around the grounds with lit cigarettes. I don’t know how they don’t get dragged off to the white house. Maybe Melvin just hates me.

  When I climb back down, the sun is edging toward the horizon. The sky nearest the clouds is blood red, dotted with patches of clouds that are nearly black. I cut toward the forest and take the long way back to Madison. My mind wanders to Sayid as I walk. As the sky darkens, I’m swallowed by the stretching shadows the trees cast. Ahead of me, boys dart through the trees of the orange grove.

  “What are you doing out here, Flemming?” A man’s voice booms from the trees.

  I nearly jump out of my skin as I scan the darkness. The voice is familiar and makes my blood run cold. Melvin.

  “I was just walking back to Madison. I had to work in the stables today,” I say, my voice unsteady.

  He emerges from the trees ahead of me, one of the bloodhounds trailing behind him. I flinch when I see him.

  “Then what are you doing out here, next to the woods? You aren’t thinking of making a run for it, are you?” he asks pointedly. His stance is wide. The way he looks at me, it’s like he’s daring me to run. He wants me to give him a reason to beat the shit out of me.

  “Of course not. I’m just going back to Madison. I don’t even have anything with me to run away,” I say. All I’ve got are the clothes on my back. I couldn’t make a run for it right now if I wanted to.

  “So you’ve planned it, then?”

  “I’m sorry, what?” I ask, confusion pinching my words.

  “You know you can’t run away because you have no provisions with you right now. So, you’ve planned what you’ll need to run away.” His words are so smooth, so confident, it takes me a moment to make sense of them.

  My stomach twists as I look between him and the lights slowly flicking on throughout the rest of the grounds. No one knows that I’m out here. Sayid may not realize I’m gone for hours. Melvin could drag me into the woods and put a bullet in my head right now.

  He takes a step closer to me as the silence builds between us. My pulse thuds in my ears, making me all too aware of every second that passes without my reply.

  “I’m not planning anything,” I manage to choke the words out, but they’re too high, I practically squeak them.

  Melvin reaches out and grabs me by the collar of my shirt. His forearm connects with my chest as he slams me backward into a tree. My teeth clack together with the impact, and my skull sings from the pain. Bright spots explode behind my eyes, and I try to blink them away. I don’t know what I did to get on Melvin’s shit list, but I have to get away from him. Otherwise, I know I’ll end up like the other boys who disappear.

  I don’t fight against his hold, but his hand still moves to my throat as he pins me to the tree. He doesn’t press hard, but the pressure is still enough to make panic claw at my guts. Sweat blooms under my arms, as I have to force myself to stay still. The pressure on my throat fills my mouth with bile. I want to throw up, I want him off me, I want out of this god damned nightmare.

  “Please,” I force the word out, it’s practically a growl.

  “Please what? You piece of shit runaway. Did you really think you could slip past me?” He’s so close, I can see the wrinkles in his face, despite the darkness edging around us.

  “I promise, I wasn’t.” It takes so long to force the words out around the grip he has on me, each word sounds like its own sentence.

  He pulls me forward, his nails digging into my flesh, then slams my head hard against the tree. He does it again, and again, until the tree is warm and red with my blood, and I go limp. At least in the darkness, Melvin can’t reach me.

  Before

  Date Unknown

  Though he’s brandishing a knife between us, I know he’s not going to hurt me. Not yet. He followed me through the city. He’ll always choose to follow me, no matter how enticing the bait I give him.

  “Where is she?” I ask. I’m just toying with him, I know exactly where she is. He hasn’t found her yet. If he’s here, he hasn’t seen her. Every time he follows the same path: I’m always first. It takes so long for him to pin us down together. After all, he has to kill us at the exact same time if he wants to find us easily next time. If he jumps the gun and kills us separately, he might have to search for us on separate sides of the planet. My goal is always to make him angry, get him to come after me first. But these past few lives, he’s gotten much more patient.

  “I was hoping you’d tell me.” His shoulders squared, he’s ready to pounce again, to come after me. If I keep him talking though, he won’t.

  “You know I’m not going to do that,” I say, and I can’t help the smile that creeps across my lips.

  “Of course not.” He glowers at me. “You’ll never change. You’ll never evolve.”

  I laugh. “That’s where you’re wrong.”

  Behind him, I see her face peek out from behind a mausoleum. She’s not close enough for him to see, thankfully. When she’s sure I’m looking at her, she nods. She’s hidden the journal. Now I don’t need to toy with him any longer. Tonight’s stash has been hidden. We need to leave enough fakes around the city to keep him busy long after we’re dead. I give the slightest of nods back, not enough that he’d notice. She disappears into the night.

  “Can I make a request?” I ask him.

  He runs his hand along his slicked-back red hair, making sure each strand is in place. For a moment, he considers it. That’s the distraction I want. The distraction I need. I take the dagger from my jacket. Lunging forward, I slice his neck. With the blood covered blade, I slice my arm. His blood burns when it mixes with mine. Exactly as I had imagined it would. In a few seconds his wound will be healed—mine, however, will take a little longer.

  She wants me to collect his blood, to use it against him. But I know of a much better way. My hope is that using his blood might make me stronger. I haven’t tried it before, but something tells me it might give me the edge I need.

  Clamping down on my arm, he twists it behind me. It forces the wound to open further, I groan in pain. He presses his body to mine, the crook of his arm holding my neck. I won’t fight this time. This is exactly what I was hoping for. Every time, his anger gets the best of him. Or maybe it’s been so long this time that he’s actually forgotten that she has to be here, too. It doesn’t matter though, he’s giving me exactly what I want, what I need.

  That’s it. Try to kill me.

  After

  As darkness falls, a cold wind digs its claws into Dozier. The horses huddle in their stables, and though I know I should get dinner, I can’t pull myself away. I climb to the loft and sneak back to the window. I light a cigarette and lean back against the wall. My eyes drift across the waving trees, and something catches my eyes.

  White pops in and out of the branches, coming into view when the wind blows the hardest. I try to focus, but it’s impossible to tell what’s lurking out there. Goosebumps rise on my arms. A bad feeling nags at the back of my mind. There’s someone out there. I can feel them watching me.

  “Asher.” My name hisses through the trees. I’m not sure if it’s the wind or my imagination.

  I scoot closer to the window. Someone moves in the trees, their movements are slow, jerky. When they reach the tree line, I hold my breath. I re
cognize the long black hair. Eden stares up at me, her eyes wild, face streaked with blood.

  “Eden?” I call out, as my hand digs into the window frame. My pulse quickens, and I push myself off the floor.

  She stares at me—through me—with a stare so cold, it could bring snow to Florida. I run toward the ladder. Halfway down, impatient, I jump to the ground. When I reach the back of the stables, she’s gone. She’s disappeared.

  “Eden?” I yell.

  I can see the spot on the ground where she stood, the imprints of her bare feet in the sand. The trees engulf me as I run into the darkness. She’s got to be out here, she has to. Something scared her, that’s all.

  Moonlight filters through the trees and gives the path an eerie, green glow. Spanish moss grabs at my arms, and sticks to my hair. Thirty feet into the woods, her footprints disappear. There’s no sign of her. It’s as if she never existed at all. Maybe she never did.

  I feel someone staring. I turn. A face peers at me through the trees, curly red hair seems to glow. He cocks his head and offers me a half smile. A few feet behind him, I see Eden.

  “Dominic?”

  The wind whips at my legs, behind me something snaps. I turn, but only the empty woods stare back at me. My heart is lodged in my throat as I turn back to Dominic and Eden, but they’re gone.

  Ahead of me, nearly thirty feet away, I see Eden again.

  How did she get over there?

  I bolt down the path, and she melts into the trees. Though her steps sound like they’re only a few feet ahead of me, I can’t see her. Eden’s bled into the darkness, like the new moon is swallowed by the starless sky. My heart hammers, and my head swims as I stop to scan the trees. A nagging pain in my side spreads with every breath I take.

  “Eden?” my throat tightens.