After You Died

by Dea Poirier

  I grab Olivia’s hand and pull her up the stairs. She gags and vomits. As I pull her, I see the silhouette of someone standing at the top of the stairs.

  When I come out of the vision, bile creeps up my throat. I can still smell the death, taste it. Dr. Lennox shoves a trash can toward me. It takes me twenty minutes of puking before I stop tasting the corpses. Cold sweat clings to my face, my neck. My throat is raw, it burns with every ragged breath I take.

  I open my mouth to speak, but I can’t find the words. My mind is heavy, thick with thoughts of her, of us. She finally said it back. Or, at least she might have, if my mind is telling me the truth. She was my girlfriend, if even for only one night. She chose me, she wanted me. And it got her killed.

  The voice nags at the back of my mind again. It’s all lies. She didn’t love you. How could anyone love you?

  “Are you alright?” Dr. Lennox asks as he hands me a glass of water.

  I take slow sips, not wanting to throw up all over again. The bitter taste of fear and vomit are still strong in my mouth. My eyes burn. These visions, not knowing if they’re real, or if they’re all my imagination is killing me. I don’t know what to think, what to feel anymore. Inside, I’m hollow, numb. But I’ll keep going. After all, what else do I have to lose?

  After

  After meeting with Dr. Lennox, I need to be alone. I try Madison first, and find several younger kids skipping dinner to drink schnapps. Instead, I head back to the stables. At the very least, there’s somewhere to hide should the guards still be looking for Cameron after lights out. As I walk closer to the stables, I hear barking in the distance. The closer I get to the stables, the louder the barking grows. A bad feeling brews inside me, and I look back toward Madison. I should have just stayed there.

  A group of guards and dogs break the tree line. I’m frozen a hundred feet from them. Two of the guards drag a sagging body, the moment I see it, I know it’s Cameron. All my resolve to be alone floods out of me, I have to find Sayid and tell him. I don’t want him to find out from someone else.

  I jog to the cafeteria and find Sayid sitting across from Brandon. He looks at me the moment I come through the doors. As soon as I’m close enough I say, “I need to talk to you.”

  He nods, and pushes up from the seat. Outside, the darkening sky looms above us, storm clouds hang on the horizon smothering the sunset. Dread pools inside me.

  “What’s up?” Sayid asks as he leans against the wall.

  I cross my arms and shift on my feet as I consider the best way to tell him what I saw. Standing this close to him, even with the bad news between us, I want to reach for him. To be with him. But I shove the feelings away.

  “I just saw the guards pull a body from the woods. I think it was Cameron,” I say as I try to soften the blow as much as possible.

  His lips pull together, and he looks away. “God dammit,” he says, refusing to meet my eyes.

  I reach out and rest my hand on his shoulder. But he shrugs away.

  “I’m sorry,” I say.

  “Yeah, me too.” Sayid grabs the door, and I reach out, my hand on his forearm.

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yeah, fine,” he says, but it sounds forced. His eyes flit back to the dining hall, like he doesn’t want to look at me. Maybe he can’t stand to look at me.

  “Want me to come have dinner with you?”

  He shakes his head. “You don’t have to do that.”

  I don’t have to, or he doesn’t want me to?

  I pull away, though it stings, I understand. For a few seconds, I stand and stare at the door he just walked through. Though I want to go in and make sure Sayid’s okay, I don’t think he wants my company. Through the window, I see Sayid sitting next to Brandon; he sags in his seat. It kills me to pull myself away, but it’s for the best. He may not say it, but I can feel that he doesn’t want me there.

  WHILE EVERYONE ELSE sleeps, I lean against the bowed wood on the back porch. The night is eerily quiet, even the mosquitoes have taken the night off. I watch the trees for her. I haven’t seen Olivia in so long, I’m starting to think I may be sane after all.

  The boards creak next to me as Sayid steps out of Madison. A smile curves my lips when I see him. But I look away.

  “You should be asleep,” I say as I turn my attention back to the trees.

  “I could say the same to you,” he says as he nudges my shoulder, and takes a seat next to me. I scoot close to him, my side pressed against his. For a moment, I lean my head on his shoulder.

  “Bad things always happen when I sleep. I’ve decided to give it up.”

  “You’re giving up sleeping?” he asks incredulously as he slides a cig from a pack.

  “Sure am,” I confirm.

  After he takes a long drag of the cigarette, I hold my hand up, and he passes it to me.

  “Thanks,” I say, smoke trails on my words.

  I brush my empty hand against his, I want to hold his hand. He offers me a half smile, but doesn’t take it. The disappointment is so strong, I’m nearly crushed beneath it. He doesn’t want me, he must have moved on.

  “Are you doing okay?” I ask.

  He shrugs. “I guess,” he says, but I suspect it’s a lie. “I’m sorry about earlier.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  He stares off into the orange trees, and I pass him back his cigarette. He takes a long drag, flicks the cigarette into the dirt, and crosses his arms.

  “It’s my fault he’s dead,” he says with a deadpan voice.

  “How do you figure?” I ask.

  He looks down, and pulls his knees up to his chest. “Most communication here goes through me. Except for some of the richer kids, like Becks. He could make calls out if he gives the guards cash.”

  “I’m not following.”

  “Cameron’s family, they sent word that his girlfriend had the baby early, so early, they weren’t sure the baby was going to make it,” Sayid presses his eyes into the palms of his hands. “I shouldn’t have told him, if I hadn’t told him, he wouldn’t have tried to run.”

  I put my arm around him, and pull him closer. “It’s not your fault.”

  “Yes, it is,” he says.

  “You can’t control what he did. You didn’t know he would run away. And there are smart ways he could have done it. No one knows those woods better than you. Chances are, you could have gotten him to town.”

  He shrugs. “I guess.” He looks toward the trees. “I should have offered.”

  I lean against him and offer him a hug. It kills me to know he’s upset. But being this close to him, I feel guilty for how much I like it. And I feel like a complete asshole that all I can do is think about kissing him.

  Sayid sniffles and I pull away. It feels like he’s slowly building a wall between us. But I won’t let him, I have to break through. I push off the porch and crouch in front of him. He looks up at me, his eyes darkened, sadness tainting his face. I brush my hand against his cheek, and rest my hand there. His eyes meet mine.

  “It’s not your fault,” I say, my words barely a whisper.

  He looks down. It’s not going to be that easy to convince him. He clenches his jaw, and his fists ball on his knees.

  My pulse quickens, and I lean in. His breath hits my face, and I breathe in his woody scent. Sayid looks up, his face inches from mine, a smile creases his lips. An invitation.

  I close the gap between us, his lips are full, wet, salty. My hand moves to the back of his head, his hair tangles in my fingers. His tongue brushes against mine, and I stiffen. I’m drunk with how much I want him. Every thought fades away, and the only thing left in my mind is the persistent throb of desire.

  My hands seem to move on their own, exploring. I pull his head back, and kiss his neck. Slowly, my teeth graze his flesh. A low moan rolls from his lips, and I twitch with yearning.

  “We can’t do this here,” he says as he halfheartedly tries to push me away.

  “I don
’t care,” I say as I slip my hand up his shirt. Sayid’s abs are firm beneath my touch, his skin slick with sweat.

  I kneel in front of him, and unbutton his pants. Sayid’s eyes are wide as he looks down at me.

  “Are you sure?” he asks as he runs his hands through my hair.

  I nod as I look up at him.

  The sound of someone clearing their throat makes me freeze. My heart leaps and beats so hard it may burst straight through my chest. A fist of fear tightens around me, and my head fills with static.

  “Move it along boys,” a guard says from the right side of the house, his eyes on Sayid. “I’m sure you can find somewhere more fitting than this.”

  “Y-yeah,” Sayid stammers. He pulls me off the ground before buttoning his pants.

  As the guard steps closer, I recognize him. It’s the guard who helps Sayid with the shipments. Sayid grabs my arm and yanks me into the house. The moment he closes the door, his lips are on mine again. I pull away.

  “I can barely breathe right now,” I say as my hand rests on my chest.

  Sayid looks down and purses his lips. “You okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m going to, uh, need a rain check.” I say. I’m still too jolted to get my head back in the game.

  He smiles at me. “Alright.” He leans in and gives me a soft kiss before we head up the stairs together.

  Before

  Date Unknown

  Dominic turns and strolls down the dark street without a word, without a look back. I glance back at the house where I hid the journal. A few seconds later, I follow him. He weaves through the city until we reach a three-story house on the edge of the canal. The house rises above us, the roof ends at a high peak. The Victorian touches of the house are perfect. It’s typical for Dominic. He’s always had a penchant for the extravagant, the grand.

  “It’s beautiful,” I say as I follow him up the stone path to the house.

  He doesn’t say anything, instead he looks back and offers me a soft smile. The inside of the house is pristine. But I know there’s somewhere in this house where he has his research. That’s the only reason I came willingly. If we can get our hands on what he’s found, we might stand a chance against him. After all, he’s been searching for the same answers we have. He must know something.

  I follow him through the house until he finally thrusts a door open on the first level. Olivia would kill me if she knew I was doing this. Stairs lead down into the darkness, and I know better than to question him. I know it’s unlikely he’ll kill me without her. He lights the candles one by one, and slowly his study comes into view.

  “This is what you wanted, right?” he asks as he sweeps across the room.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You aren’t here for me. I’m not stupid. We spent so long together, you should know by now that I am anything but stupid,” he growls the words at me.

  I step closer to him and brush my hand against his arm as I try to diffuse him. “No, that’s not why I’m here.” I run my hand along his cheek, over his hair, down his neck. “I’m here for you.” My words are barely a whisper. Something cold twists inside me. I lean closer and kiss his cheek softly. His body tenses and instead of responding like I expect, he grabs me. In a flurry of movement he moves behind me, a knife to my neck.

  “What are you doing?” I ask him.

  “You know what I’m doing,” he laughs at me.

  Dominic drags me across the room and straps me into a chair. He ties ropes tight around me. And after he’s satisfied that I’m secured, he takes a step back and glares at me.

  “I’ve seen you two here.”

  A lump forms in my throat. If he’s seen her, our plan won’t work. My mouth goes dry as I stare at him in disbelief.

  “I’m going to go get her, and then I’m going to kill you both. Maybe next time you won’t think I’m stupid enough to fall for this,” he says as he rolls his eyes at me.

  Moments after he sweeps out of the basement, I begin trying to free myself from the ropes. I’m careful as I slip out of them, I’ll need to try and make it look like I never left.

  Dominic always thinks he can keep us tied up. He never learns. He never figures out a better way. He doesn’t expect much of us and still looks at us like we’re humans. I pull my arms from the ropes, the top layer of my flesh is left behind on the ropes as a sacrifice. I take a deep shuddering breath as I swallow down the pain. In a few seconds, the skin heals.

  I look over the papers that Dominic has gathered. He’s got beakers atop the table, burners flickers beneath them. He’s mixing something, he’s creating something, but I can’t tell what it is from looking at it. Instead of trying to figure it out, I remove the burners. Whatever he’s got in there will be ruined by the time he gets back.

  Two at a time, I bound up the stairs. When I reach the top, the door is locked. Panic prods at the back of my mind as I search the rest of the basement. There has to be a way out. I have to get to her before he does.

  In the far corner, hidden away behind the stairs, a small window leads to an overgrown backyard. With the help of a chair, I slide through it.

  I run through the streets as I try to make my way back to her. By the time I reach the house, I’m breathless. The house is empty, abandoned. But she’ll be back. He couldn’t have found her already.

  After

  My eyes burn, and my limbs are heavy, like they’ve been since I peeled my eyes open this morning. All night my nerves gnawed at me. After being caught by the guard, adrenaline burned in my veins for hours. And just as I had begun to drift to sleep, thunder rolled in, splitting open the sky.

  As I trudge to the dining hall, nearly a hundred yards away I can smell bacon. Last night’s storm had knocked one of the few remaining shutters into the flower bed. The way they’ve accumulated, it looks like the few spindly bits of greenery are growing shutters, not flowers. Sayid jogs up beside me, and I’m grateful it’s not Dominic. He bumps his shoulder against mine and smiles at me.

  I hate walking into the dining hall alone, and it’s impossible to feel bad with Sayid at my side. We walk together through the line, Brandon is working today. He gives me a few extra pieces of bacon, an orange, and carrot slices, which he knows I’ll pass along to the horses.

  I slide my tray onto the table, and Sayid sits down next to me. He prods his fork into his eggs a few times, and glances at me. “You okay after last night?”

  I shrug. The memory of being caught by the guard still makes my throat tighten. We’re lucky it wasn’t worse, that it wasn’t a different guard. His eyes lock on mine for a moment, and he offers me a smile. He reaches for my hand, and offers it a quick squeeze.

  “I was hoping we could duck today, but I’ve got a shipment coming in through the laundry.” His voice drops when he says it, I can see the disappointment darkening his eyes. “You want anything?”

  “I’m good with cigs,” I say, though I’m still uneasy about it.

  “You sure? Girly Magazines? Booze? Nothing?” he presses as he pops a browned potato into his mouth.

  I shake my head. “Those, I can live without. You’re all I need,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. “I need to talk to you about something,” I say as I eye the rest of the table. Once I’m sure that no one is listening, I continue. “It’s about Dominic.”

  Sayid’s eyes are wide, hungry.

  “I think he had something to do with Olivia’s death, and with Eden’s disappearance.” I know it’s likely that Eden is dead, but I can’t bring myself to say it. Because she can’t be dead. Though Sayid was there when I spoke to Eden about Dominic, I’m not sure how much attention he paid to our conversation.

  He nods slow and smiles at me. “I’ll help with anything you need.”

  I dig into my breakfast. It’s a relief that none of Sayid’s usual group of friends have arrived. I survey the cafeteria, out of habit. That’s when I see Becks. I try to look away, to not see him. But in that split second, of course, he noticed. His eyes lo
ck on me, and he saunters over. He chews on the end of a toothpick as he sits down. I recoil. My whole body tenses. I hope he doesn’t notice. He does. A laugh born deep down bubbles up to the surface, like a wet burp.

  “Good to see you, boys,” he says it to both of us, but the way his eyes bore into me, it’s clear he’s only talking to me.

  My throat tightens and my heart thumps hard in my ears. I stand, tray in hand, ready to escape before Becks demands tribute. But his massive fist hits my tray and knocks it back to the table. The slick wooden surface is showered in scrambled eggs, a couple of the carrots tumble to the floor. My eyes dart to the guards, hoping they noticed, they didn’t. After all, he’s probably paid them off.

  “Where you off to in such a hurry?” Becks asks as he cocks his head to the side.

  “The stables.” My voice is stiff. The moment after the words leave my mouth, I regret them.

  “I’ll see you there?” He grins, his tongue flicks across his teeth, and his hand moves to grab his crotch.

  Without thinking about it, without even feeling that I move, the metal tray flies from my hands and hits Becks in the face. I’m so stunned, I miss my opportunity to run. Frozen, practically a sculpture, I stand waiting for my body to do something else. The only thing I can feel is the fear clawing at the back of my mind and the panicked beats of my heart. Becks’ nostrils flare, he glowers at me with his clamped fists on the table. His shoulders are square, he’s fit to pounce. He grabs the tray, and throws it toward the wall. It clatters to the ground and ensures every eye in the dining hall is now on us.

  My mind screams, run, but my body will not obey. I don’t move a single inch. He jumps across the table and knocks me down. Every bit of air is knocked from my body, I gasp, and gulp at the air. Fists clench my wrists and pin them to the cold tile floor. I kick, trying to wrestle him off me. When that doesn’t work, I struggle to free myself, wiggle my way out from under him.