Pickled

by Deany Ray

  I went to the window to watch Brad walk out toward the bear. I was joined by my mother and Mrs. Kolcek. Now somewhat recovered, the older woman looked more intrigued than scared.

  By the time Brad had made his way into the yard, Lou was halfway up the big tree that I used to love to climb. The oldsters had moved far across the yard and were huddled together, startled.

  I held my breath and watched as my brother grabbed Lou from behind. Please, Brad. Don’t let go. Let this be the one time that you succeed at something. Not surprisingly, the bear put up quite a fight.

  Then I remembered pickles! Shoot. I should have put out pickles. That would have calmed Lou down, made him easier to hold. But my brain hadn’t exactly been working at full power. So much to deal with in one morning. I hadn’t even finished a single cup of coffee. Heck, I was still supposed to be asleep. The day before had been the ordeal. This was supposed to be my time to recover.

  But hopefully this all would end with the panda captured: one case solved and in the books for our brand-new business. Paycheck, here I come! Hmm…turns out, I was also into getting paid, just like my brother.

  It was all up to Brad now – which was really kind of scary. Still, it looked like he was winning. Surely, he would win. My brother was a hefty guy, and Lou was just a little panda. I watched and held my breath. Brad was holding on. Brad had a tight grip on the bear! Victory was in sight. He just needed to hang on until we could move the panda to…darn it! I hadn’t thought this out. Move the panda where? To the backseat of my car? No way was I driving to the zoo with an angry bear. But we could keep him in the car, and the zoo could come and get him. Yes! That was the ticket.

  I rushed outside and toward my car.

  “Put him in my car!” I called. “Come on! I’ll get the door.”

  Then I saw trouble brewing. I saw Lou lift his bushy tail. Uh oh, that was not good. The battle might be lost.

  “Don’t breathe!” I called to Brad. “It will be okay if you just don’t breathe until you get him in the car.”

  But I was too late with the warning. I could hear Lou let loose with a big one. Eww!

  Brad dropped him like the panda was a hot potato. He backed away, disgusted, trying to wave away the smell. He looked at me angrily as he stomped off to his car. “That was the worst job ever! You should pay me fifty dollars. You should pay me one hundred!”

  “Pay you? Pay you for what? Do I see a panda in your arms? The last time I saw the panda, he was making his escape.” I looked around, but Lou was nowhere to be seen. My brother had some nerve.

  “To get a paycheck, Brad, you have to do the work,” I yelled. Which I guess kind of applied to me as well. I didn’t have the panda yet, so no check for me. I really needed to get paid.

  Brad looked furious. “You didn’t warn me that the stupid bear was gonna blow like that. And it went all in my face! That bear is disgusting.”

  “He’s not stupid. He’s just scared.” But I guess I should have warned him. I had not been fair to Brad. But I’d been so sure that he could catch him. He was stronger than I was. Then our first case would have been completed, a big success for CMC.

  “Sorry,” I told him. “I’ll get you your twenty bucks.”

  He brushed past me angrily on his way back into the house. “Now I need another shower. And I’ll be late to work.”

  What a morning. What a week.

  My next order of business with the girls should be to figure out a plan so we’d be prepared the next time we saw Lou. The zoo knew we were on the case; they could tell us what to do in case of another sighting. Now it seemed a little silly that we hadn’t asked before.

  So far, I’d had two encounters, and the score was bad. Lou: two. Charlie: zero.

  But he could not have gotten that far. I had to go find Lou. I needed to grab my car keys and drive around and look. I could try to get his farting self into the backseat of my old car until the zoo could come and get him. Of course, my car might never recover from the stink. Unless my mother got in there and did the best cleanse of her life.

  Could I really do that? Wrestle a panda into my car? It wasn’t exactly the kind of thing they taught you to do in school. And it’s not like I had backup. I looked over at the oldsters who were gathered in the yard, still wide-eyed from the Brad-and-Panda Show. These students of my mother would be no help at all. Endorphins or not, they would be no match for a trouble-making bear.

  My eyes moved to my mother. She was staring, horrified, at the scene of the smelly crime, although Brad and Lou were both long gone. She did not look like she was up for some mother-daughter bonding time on a wildlife adventure. To top it off, my dad was at the diner. I was on my own.

  Suddenly, my mother sprung into high alert. She ran into the kitchen, emerging with one of the spray bottles she kept around the house. I knew this one held purified water mixed with “cleansing herbs.” She always had it handy since metaphysical emergencies, in my mother’s mind, popped up quite a lot.

  As they tried to dodge my mother’s sprays, the oldsters were moving faster than they ever did in class. My mother looked frantic, like she’d almost been brought to tears. “And to think we spent so much money on panda coffee cups and panda figurines. Panda salt and pepper shakers. A panda oven mitt! The energy in our lovely home may never be the same. There’s an awful, and very nauseating, aura all around that animal.”

  I really had to go. Lou was escaping as we spoke, getting further and further away and harder and harder to find. And my mother was wailing on and on about her foolish need to cleanse.

  I massaged my aching head. “It’s not an aura, Mother. It’s anatomy. It’s gas! Lou is not some awful creature. He’s probably scared to death. And maybe pandas just have a weird…defense mechanism.” Hmm. Was that what that was?

  “Well, it seems to work well,” an old man said, coming up behind my mom. “Maybe I’ll try that particular line of defense when those salesmen get so pushy. You know the ones I mean. They follow you around the store when all you want to do is browse and pass the time of day. You just want a little peace.”

  Then three things happened all at once. My mother nearly sprayed me in the eye. Mrs. Kolcek almost fainted dead against me when she began to hyperventilate, the events of the afternoon sinking in at last. Then someone turned the music back on so the students could continue to move back through the yard like very wrinkled fish in brightly colored leotards. The music, for some reason, was even louder than before.

  “Music!” My mother smiled. “That’s just what we need.” She put down her bottle and then she grabbed my hand. “Swim with us, Charlie. Swim! Like the most elegant of fishes!”

  I have no time for this. I have a bear to follow.

  She moved slowly across the yard, holding me tightly with one hand. With the other hand, she made swimming motions.

  “Mom, I have to go. Now!”

  “Breathe deeply, Charlie. Concentrate,” my mother said in a deep voice. “I can see your aura’s dark. You need to relax through deep breaths and through dance. Now, imagine that the sea is deep and blue and that the waves are oh, so gently rocking you along.” She had to yell to be heard over the thumping music.

  As she spouted nonsense, Lou was getting further and further from my reach. I had finally had it.

  I pulled away. “No, Mother. I don’t want to imagine a deep blue sea and go swimming through my front yard. But there are some things I do want. I want to be able to sleep in when I’m tired. And I want to have a brother who might help now and then, and not just because I pay him. And I want to catch that panda who should be at the zoo.”

  She stopped “swimming” and looked at me, bewildered. “Oh, Charlie, don’t be silly. From what I heard this morning, you were the worst at sports. How could you catch a panda if you can’t even catch a ball? Plus, it’s not our problem. The zoo should keep up with their bears.”

  My heart rate had gone sky high. “Oh, and by the way, I’m moving out real soon.”

&n
bsp; A look of sadness crossed her face. “Oh, but you’re my baby. Please don’t go so soon. The house will be so quiet.”

  “Really, Mother? Quiet?” I looked around at all the oldsters, who were leaping and hobbling and twirling, making fishy faces, while the music played at an ear-splitting volume. I think I recognized the song from my high school days. Something about good loving and stomping my heart flat.

  Too quiet. Was that really what she’d said? Too quiet at the moment sounded like my fondest dream. But it wasn’t happening at this house anytime soon.

  My mother frowned. “I knew this day would come, but I don’t want you to move out.”

  “That day came already. Remember? When I moved to Boston?”

  “But Charlotte, where will you go?”

  “I found a nice one-bedroom. Not too far away.”

  She looked a little hurt. I didn’t like to see that, although I was still pretty mad.

  “What would you have at an apartment that you’d can’t get at home?”

  Had she not been listening? But I’d calmed down a little. I didn’t want her to be hurt.

  “It’s closer to my office,” I said, and I guessed that much was true. “And if I ever decide to learn the sport of archery, there’s a practice range real close.”

  “Sounds delightful,” my mother said, her face lighting up.

  I didn’t mention that by close, I meant in striking distance. But perhaps the landlord had just been making a little joke, which really wasn’t funny. I needed to make a call that morning before the apartment got away.

  Speaking of getting away, I needed to get out on the road. If I couldn’t catch the bear, perhaps I could keep him in my sight and call someone with expertise in that sort of thing. Then I still would have done my job, right? Found the missing Springston treasure and seen him safely reunited with his twin. Charlie Cooper saves the day. Charlie Cooper gets a check.

  But first I needed coffee. Coffee for the road. I headed to the kitchen, thankful for the small orange light that indicated that the pot was still on, keeping the coffee warm. And by the stove I noticed something nice: a foil-covered pan that meant my mother had done a little early-morning baking before her class arrived. When did the woman sleep?

  I peeked. Oatmeal raisin cookies and also chocolate chip. I’d earned two of each, at least. I took a bite of a soft, sweet oatmeal cookie. I would miss this in the mornings.

  Just then, I heard a ping from my cellphone on the table. Please. Don’t let it be a bad-news text. Don’t let this day get even worse.

  I grabbed my phone and checked.

  MARGE: Meet us at Gil’s in forty minutes. His shop is on Fourth Street North.

  Hmm. I wondered what was up. And what about the panda? I had to find the panda.

  ME: Might be a little late. Something has come up.

  I’d explain it to them later. For now, I’d get dressed quick and brush my teeth, then take a drive around the neighborhood on a personal bear hunt before heading off to Gil’s. The phone pinged again.

  MARGE: What’s up?

  Things had been too crazy to type out in a text.

  ME: Had some company this morning. Surprise guest came to breakfast.

  Ha.

  Where did my mother keep her pickles? That might help me lure my furry friend out of his latest hiding place. And just as if the morning had not already been insane, I could drive past my neighbors’ houses, tossing pickles out the window. I’d have to make sure no one was looking. People in this town liked to talk.

  Another text came in.

  MARGE: Did this breakfast guest have dreamy eyes? Did his name start with an A? Did he have a crush on someone that I know with the initial C?

  It sounded like a grade-school conversation from back in the day when I was a dodge-ball failure.

  ME: Pretty eyes. Initial L. I didn’t ask about his love life.

  Then I ate another cookie.

  Chapter Nine

  As I drove slow circles around the neighborhood, I saw people dragging their recycling out and packing briefcases into cars. I watched kids playfully shove each other as they waited for the bus. But I saw no sign of a small red bear.

  When I thought no one was looking, I threw pickles out the window, then circled back around to see if my furry friend might have come out from his hiding to scarf down his favorite snack. No luck. That elusive bear had been so close, but Brad had blown my chances of wrapping the case up right then and there. That would have been amazing.

  What a nightmare of a day it had already been. Living in my childhood home was just about to kill me. I had to get out, and I had to do it now. When I pulled up to a red light, I punched in the number for the lesser evils of the places I could afford.

  “Chrysanthemum Garden Manors,” a woman said with a cheery voice.

  Where did they get that name? I hadn’t seen a single flower, and the small one and two-bedroom units weren’t even close to being manors. But what were they going to call it? Flying Arrow Place? Truth might be a virtue, but it never sounded quite as lovely as a lie.

  “Hi. I was calling about the one-bedroom that I looked at yesterday. Do you still have a vacancy?” Please, please, please, say yes.

  “Yes, ma’am. You’re in luck.”

  Score. “Great. I’d like to take it.”

  “When would you like to move in?”

  Now.

  “As soon as you can get it ready. It’s…an emergency,” I said.

  There was a pause at the other end. “Excuse me? I didn’t understand.”

  She didn’t hear that everyday, I bet. Emergencies weren’t a thing, I guess, in the apartment rental world.

  “I’d like to move in as soon as the apartment’s ready.”

  “I see. Would you like to come by today and put down a deposit?”

  I gave her my name and told her that I’d try to stop by that afternoon and leave a check. She said the apartment would be cleaned and ready sometime later in the week. A sense of relief washed over me. The day had gotten so much better.

  As I pulled onto the street that Marge had listed on the text, I made a to-do list in my head to get ready for the move. It was really kind of sad how few things there were to pack. When I’d moved from Boston, I’d cleared a lot of junk. Looking around at my messy place, I had made a vow not to put anything in a moving box unless it had a place in my new, exciting life as an ace detective returning triumphantly back to her old hometown. (Ha. I was still hoping that exciting life would start at any moment. Oh, I guess I had excitement. But I wanted the kind that was glamorous and fun – not the kind that comes from thinking you might die at any second.)

  Following advice I’d heard on some early-morning show, I’d asked myself some questions about everything I owned. Does this make me happy? Would I miss this if it was gone? If not, I was supposed to toss it. Turned out that nothing much in the old apartment brought me any joy. So much of my meager possessions had gone off to Goodwill.

  Along with the necessities, I’d lovingly packed a few things that I cared about: my oldest, softest t-shirts from concerts that I loved, and my collection of coffee mugs that my parents or co-workers would bring me back from trips. With no money of my own to go anywhere exciting, I had to rely on souvenirs from other people’s travels. But each morning when I grabbed a mug, the picture on the front was a promise to myself. The Grand Canyon, the Golden Gate Bridge…they were all places I’d see one day when I made real money.

  How sad to be almost thirty and not to even own a couch. But I guessed it was just as well. The apartment came already furnished. The stuff I’d seen inside were not exactly what you’d call luxury items: a couch, an armchair, and some tables. They would do for now.

  Marge’s car was already there when I pulled into the auto shop. I walked in the door to find my friends and Gil deep in conversation. A slim older man in overalls and a cap, Gil held a match between his teeth. He was looking somewhat confused as Marge yammered on and on about someth
ing or another. I couldn’t hear because of all the noise. Several mechanics worked under cars or peered beneath the hoods of vehicles scattered about the shop.

  I could tell Marge was excited by the way her hands were flailing through the air. As I got closer, I could hear her say “And what I’d really love to have is a turbo button. Like they have on race cars? Can you put in one of those? Like they had on The Fast and the Furious. I’m sure that you saw that one! I saw that one twice. Oh, a turbo button would be cool.” She clasped her hands beneath her chin and did an excited little shuffle while she waited for his answer.

  Gil looked too stunned to speak.

  Celeste looked embarrassed and alarmed. “Marge. We’re here on important business. Gil has work to do. And you know that we do too. We’re businesswomen here.”

  Marge barely paused to catch her breath.

  “So, how fast would that make me go?” she asked Gil. She pulled her notebook from her purse. “What would my top speed be? Could you put one in next week?”

  Behind her, Celeste gave Gil a wide-eyed look, waving her hands in front of her face and mouthing the word no.

  Sheesh. Marge behind the wheel of a souped-up car that went extra fast? That might kill us all before we could solve a single crime.

  Gil took the match from between his teeth and stared down at the floor. “Um. I’ll see what I can do.”

  “Yay.” Marge did a little shuffle step.

  Celeste gave her the all-too-familiar look that meant to settle down.

  “Now. Down to official business,” she said. She handed Gil a slip of paper. “Here’s the license number of the van that I called you about. Can you find out who the owner is?”

  He nodded. “Shouldn’t be a problem. I just need to step into my office. Just hang out a minute. I’ll go make a call.”

  Once he’d disappeared, I grabbed Celeste by the arm. “You won’t believe what happened.” I began the story. “My mother starts her class today before it’s even light. And one of the students – they’re really old – comes in to get a drink.” I told it somewhat slowly, creating a kind of build-up to the big conclusion. “She’s standing by the sink, and I hear her scream. And – this is just so wild – I look past her at the window. And guess who is outside?”