New Identity

by Tenaya MKD

  His gaze zoned into his coffee cup for just a moment, before he set it down and straightened his back, bringing his eyes back to mine. “Let’s go to New York.”

  Our plans were reckless. We accepted that. I had no idea if I could keep myself in my body. We had no transportation. We didn’t even know exactly where we were geographically, since neither of us had ever left the facility before. But those were just details. Arguably important details—but whatever.

  Even with those factors against us, I wasn’t scared to leave anymore. I would have Eric. And now, there were stakes. People were sitting in cages. My body was in danger. We had to do this. There was no time to plan it out. Our only plan was to plan later.

  First, we had to get out of the facility. We split up to pack our bags, but when I got to my room, I realized I had nothing to pack. One of Cayde’s books, Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451, sat on the dresser, unfinished. But otherwise, there was nothing except furniture and clothes. And I didn't need a spare, ugly jumpsuit.

  The only item I had that was mine was the room key hanging around my neck. My hand reached up to touch it through my shirt. I wouldn’t be needing it, but a small lump formed in my throat at the thought of leaving it behind. It made no sense to have such an attachment to a stupid key, but there I was.

  I looked around the room for a minute, committing my first room to memory. Then I left. Anything I needed I could buy later.

  My key still hung around my neck.

  When I got to Eric's door, he was opening it to leave.

  Perfect timing.

  I decided to see that as a good omen.

  As he closed his door, he pulled the second strap of his orange canvas backpack onto his shoulder. Two bottles clanked together inside. I gave him a thumbs-up. I’d definitely be wanting a drink by the end of this day. Or maybe even in the middle.

  We carefully crept down the hall to the ladder that led to the hatch door. I half expected it to be locked from the outside, but when we reached the top of the ladder, Eric was able to push it open without issue. Once he’d climbed out, he gave me his hand and pulled me out of the hatch, as though I weighed no more than a small overnight bag.

  Cold wind slapped me in the face as soon as I was standing. The morning sun assaulted my eyes. This was their first time seeing sunlight. They hated it. I could barely pry my eyelids open. Eric and I both raised our hands to shield our faces. But that wasn’t enough to protect my pale eyes. As I squinted, a headache exploded in my temples.

  When my eyes did finally adjust enough for me to get a glimpse of my surroundings, I was floored. There was too much to take in. Too much nothing. I had expected to be somewhere remote, but this was downright nowhere. Small, dry bushes, cacti, and sand were all you could see in any direction. We looked at each other, both coming to the same conclusion: we needed transportation, or we’d be fucked. There was no walking-to-town option.

  If it weren't for the wind, you probably could have heard our brains working in overdrive to come up with what to do next. The hinges’ creaking on the hatch door was just loud enough to get our attention. Cayde climbed out of the hatch, but didn’t approach us. He stared at me with disappointment in his eyes.

  “What the hell are you two doing?” he yelled over the wind.

  “We’re going to kick some Shadow ass and save people!” Eric answered.

  “And how are you planning to get to New York from here?”

  Eric and I looked at each other. Neither of us had come up with that. “We will figure something out,” I said.

  Cayde scoffed. “Get inside.” Like we were just silly kids running away from home.

  “No,” I said.

  “Nova, this is crazy! You have to know this won’t work.”

  I was starting to see that, but I couldn't back down now.

  There has to be a way!

  There wasn't.

  Eric looked to me for my decision. He believed in me, for some dumb reason. It was there, in the way he was looking at me, that he would back me up, whatever I chose to do.

  I'm not sure exactly when it had happened, but Eric had become my best friend.

  It was my appreciation for him that made my feet step toward the hatch. I wouldn't get him killed on a trek through the desert because of my pride.

  At the bottom of the ladder, Cayde said, “Come with me.” I rolled my eyes and huffed, but followed.

  Now I felt like a kid. Obediently following, on my way to get scolded. I didn't know what else to do though. If it was just me, I would have taken off through the desert, just to make a point. I'd made the rational choice for Eric. And I didn't know what came next.

  Cayde brought us to the cafeteria. “Sit,” he said, pointing to the nearest table.

  He sat across from us. The round table between us made him seem miles away. Or maybe he just felt that far away from me. I had trusted him more than anyone, but in the course of one conversation, an iron wall had been forged between us.

  “You two are ridiculous,” he finally said. “I hope you realize that, if I hadn't heard the door and came to stop you, your plans would have left you dead in the desert.” His voice was stern. And cold. “And assuming you did somehow survive getting to town, what would you have done when Crowley started tracking you? Or if you couldn't keep yourself in this body?”

  “We were working things out,” I said.

  “This is exactly why I didn't tell you everything.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but he held up his hand to stop me. “We leave in two days. Seven of us. A helicopter will transport us to the airport in Phoenix. We have a direct flight to New York from there.”

  That was the last thing I’d expected him to say. I was speechless.

  “What changed your mind?” Eric asked.

  Cayde didn’t take his eyes off of me. “Nothing did. We've been considering going since Nova's first vision, but it was officially decided last night.”

  “Why didn't you tell me earlier that you were going to help me?” I would have still been mad, but it would have helped his case to know that he was planning to do something about what he knew.

  “Would you have listened?” he asked.

  I wasn’t sure I would have.

  “And we aren't going on this mission to help you get to your body. We are going to save the prisoners that you saw in cages. If we can find your body too, then great. But I would much rather avoid you being knocked out and captured.”

  He preemptively raised his voice slightly, to stop me from arguing. “I know you feel strongly about getting your body back. But think rationally for just a minute, Nova. Getting that body back doesn't guarantee your memories will come with it. And Crowley has had it there for two months! There is no way of knowing what he has done to it.”

  That was something I hadn't considered.

  Two months is a long time…

  But I can’t give up on myself that easily!

  “We will do our best, Nova. But whatever is going on in that building, Crowley will have it guarded. This is going to be dangerous. He is dangerous. And keeping everyone alive is more important than anything else.”

  His eyes locked onto mine. “If you can't agree with that, then I won't agree to take you. Understand?” His jaw was set and his body was rigid, but the hard tone of his voice didn’t match the softness I recognized in his eyes.

  I wanted to tell him to shove it. That I would save myself, and I didn't need his help anyway! But there was logic in what he said. I did need help to get to New York. And Crowley’s security would be too much to take on alone. Besides, helping them rescue the prisoners was the right thing to do.

  Deciding that I’d go off on my own as soon as they were safe, I nodded. Mostly to myself, but he didn’t need to know that. “I understand,” I said.

  I would not leave that building without saving myself too. In just a couple days, I’d have my body back.

  27

  While everyone else was getting up for the day, Eric
and I went back to our rooms to nap. Walking back into the room, that I had thought I’d left for good, felt much better than I wanted it to. As the door closed behind me, I leaned my back against it and sagged into the metal.

  I had absolutely nothing when I woke up as Ashley in her pink apartment. This was the life that I, Nova, had managed to find. The bare cement walls made it cold, and the lack of personal touch made it colder. But it was mine.

  Sinking into the comfort of my own blankets brought a smile to my face, but it was fleeting. With images from my visions flashing through my head, I tossed and turned repeatedly, until, finally, exhaustion took over, and I fell asleep.

  When I woke up, it was lunchtime. If anyone was upset that I’d skipped out on my morning responsibilities, no one said anything about it. When I walked into the cafeteria, people were already starting to leave. But luckily for my grumbling stomach, all the chafing dishes were still out on the food line. Eric was standing in front of one of them, piling fries onto his plate.

  “Hey, save some for me.” I playfully knocked him to the side with my shoulder and took some fries for myself. When Eric headed for a table, I followed, completely satisfied with a lunch of nothing but Bunny’s hand-cut fries. I sat down next to him and ate a few, before noticing his gloomy demeanor.

  “What's up?” I asked.

  “What makes you think anything’s up?” His voice was dull. A ghost of the usual, playful tone that I’d come to appreciate.

  “The way you are drooping into your tray. You okay?”

  He swallowed hard, bringing his heavy eyes up from his fries to finally look at me. I could see him trying to decide if he wanted to be honest with me, or give me the bullshit “I'm fine” lie.

  “I had some fucked-up dreams. It’s been a while since I had one. I’d forgotten how shitty they are. I'll be fine.”

  “What was your nightmare about?”

  “People I love, dying bloody,” he said flatly. He put a few more fries in his mouth, as a way of closing the subject.

  I wanted him to know that he wasn’t alone. That I was as there for him as he’d been for me early that morning, when I’d needed someone. The words to convey all of that didn’t come to me though. They would have probably just made us both uncomfortable anyway.

  Before I could think it through too far, I took his hand as it was reaching back to his tray. His head tilted to one side, and he stared at our hands for a long moment. Then, he turned his over to let our fingers intertwine. A sad smile spread across his face.

  If someone would have told me I’d share a moment like this with the man I met on my first day here, I’d never have believed them.

  Quinn cleared her throat to get our attention. I hadn’t noticed her walk up, but she was standing on the other side of the table. When I looked up, she was staring at our clasped hands with distaste. We quickly let go of each other, shifting to put an extra inch of distance between us.

  “Yes, Quinn?” I asked.

  “Tomorrow, we will have a meeting after breakfast. You both need to be there. And Nova, I want to work with you extra tonight. You are going to need to make some fast progress, if we are going to be leaving the facility.”

  “Right.”

  “The garden. After dinner.”

  I nodded, and she stalked out of the cafeteria.

  There was a different energy sitting between Eric and I now. We’d spent a lot of time together and become close, but neither one of us were exactly good at intimacy of any kind.

  “Alright, cut that shit out,” I said.

  His eyebrows lifted while he laughed. “Excuse me?”

  “That's better,” I said, smiling.

  He played confused, but I think he knew exactly what I was getting at. “Whatever you say, sweetheart. See you later?” He threw his last fries into his mouth.

  “Yeah, see you later.”

  Once Eric had left, I only ate a couple more bites before getting up to leave myself. I was just a few steps from the table when Zane caught my attention from across the room. He shot me a wide smile with an enthusiastic wave. Lily sent a much smaller wave.

  What I had done to make that kid like me so much, I had no idea. But I walked a little taller as I left the cafeteria.

  That night I got to the garden just before Cayde did. We didn't walk there together, like we usually would have. Instead, he awkwardly followed me from about fifteen feet away. That iron wall that I’d forged between us was held up by pure tension.

  Part of me wished we could pretend the last twenty-four hours hadn't happened. The heavy feeling of distrust that sat on my chest felt wrong. There was no forgetting now, though.

  He betrayed me.

  Even if I did understand why he'd kept what he knew from me, it wasn’t okay. If he had just been open with me, we could have come to the conclusion, together, that a reckless trek through the desert wasn't a good option.

  I'd have been reasonable.

  Probably.

  The pleasant smell of herbs and fresh soil hit me the moment I stepped through the door. It was one of the reasons the garden had become my favorite place. Without the time I got to spend in that little piece of outdoors, I wouldn't have been able to survive living underground. Tonight, many of the sun lamps were off, dimming the usually bright room, but it was still nice and warm.

  I stopped to stand in one of the lamp’s rays, closing my eyes tightly and pretending the real sun was touching my skin. If I hadn’t sensed Cayde looking at me, I would have stayed there much longer than I did. The moment I opened my eyes, he quickly looked away and walked past me. I followed him, from a distance, through the maze of greenery.

  It wasn’t long before we came to a clearing of sorts, where Quinn was sitting next to the small pond and tinkling fountain. Her legs were crossed. Her eyes were closed. I’d wondered why she wanted to meet us here, instead of the training room, but I understood now. If I couldn't focus myself enough to navigate to my mind here, then I simply couldn't do it.

  “Sit,” Quinn said.

  With no choice but to sit next to each other in the limited space around the pond, Cayde and I took our seats. We glanced sideways at each other. Both of us were trying to shrink into ourselves enough to keep our arms from touching.

  “What’s wrong with you two?” Quinn asked.

  “Nothing,” Cayde answered her, a little too quickly.

  “Sure,” she said, clearly not believing him. But lucky for us, she didn't actually care. “Close your eyes and breathe deeply. Focus on emptying your mind. Etcetera, etcetera. Go.”

  With that inspiring prompt, I closed my eyes, set my shoulders back, and did my best. I really, really tried. I’d improved a lot since we started practicing this, but better wasn’t good enough in this case. Not even close.

  I still couldn’t find the place in my mind that I was supposed to. Blank was the best I’d ever been able to do. Blank was basically useless. Today, I was even worse than usual. My mind would just not shut up.

  We were planning to walk into my visions. Something I was eager to do, but couldn’t help but be afraid of… I wanted to believe we could keep things from happening the way I’d seen, but what if we couldn't?

  What if the future I saw is inevitable?

  The tension between Cayde and I wasn't helping either. I could feel him sitting next to me. Breathing evenly. Being a damn show-off.

  What is he feeling from me now? Can he feel that I’ve shut him out? Can he tell that I hate it? Is he sorry? He’d better be sorry.

  My mind was a mess.

  “Nova, stop thinking, damnit,” Quinn said.

  “I’m trying!”

  “Cayde, is she trying?”

  He opened his eyes and looked into mine. “She is trying. She’s always trying to do the right thing.”

  Quinn rolled her eyes. “We don't have time for your poetry. There is only tonight and tomorrow to ensure she is going to stay in this body when we leave. I’m inclined to argue that she shouldn'
t even go.”

  “I have to go!” I nearly jumped all the way to standing. As scared as I was, I wouldn’t let them leave me behind. It was up to me to save my body.

  “Then you need to focus!”

  “There has to be something else I can do besides sit here quietly! Give me something to do, and I’ll do it!” I was sick of sitting on my ass, doing nothing, and being told to do it better.

  “You have to be in tune with your mind if you’re going to feel when that ability is taking over. If you can't feel it, how can you control it?”

  “I can feel it,” Cayde said.

  I turned to him with sharp eyes. “How the hell does that help?”

  Show-off.

  “I can tell you when it’s coming on. And I might even be able to help you stop it.”

  “Are you sure?” Quinn asked him.

  “Well, pretty sure. I could feel when she had her first vision. Maybe I just need to practice.”

  “It's worth a try,” Quinn said. “Sit facing each other and hold hands.”

  Cayde shifted himself to face me, offering me his hands. I hesitated.

  “I'm sure Eric won't mind, Nova. This is pretty damn important,” Quinn said sarcastically.

  Glaring at her, I gave my hands to Cayde. I looked at him, just in time to see jealousy flash across his face before it hardened.

  He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. Part of me wanted to reach out and touch his face, to encourage his tense jaw to relax.

  “Close your eyes,” he said through tight lips, reminding me that he deserved to be tense.

  I closed them tightly. The idea of letting him root around in my head made my stomach clench, but I fought against my instinct to keep him out.

  He’d gotten so good at this. He was as still as a statue, taking even and long breaths. I couldn't stop myself from fidgeting. My face suddenly itched, my foot started falling asleep, and my hands were sweating.

  After a few minutes that felt like forever, Cayde said, “This is amazing. I've never tried to see in someone's mind like this.”