New Identity

by Tenaya MKD

  He stopped his pacing to face me. “I gave you a gift! Granted, it was a gift I never intended to allow you to keep. But, seeing how things turned out, I think you should be thanking me for the experience you got to have.”

  “I don't understand what gift you think you gave me.”

  His brows furrowed. “You have the ability of possession, and you don't see the gift? Your consciousness has traveled all over the country and experienced multiple lives! You must not understand the reaches of your power.”

  “I lost my body, my memories, my whole life! This has been the farthest thing from a damn gift!” It seemed he didn't know about my other powers. And I sure as hell wasn't going to mention them.

  He shook his head, frustrated. “You just don't understand what it is that you have!” He paced a few steps away and brought his hand to his beard again, trying to formulate the proper way to make me see his point.

  When he had worked it out, he turned back to me with excitement. “Okay!” He clapped. “I have an example for you.” He stepped up to my chair again. “Imagine that you have been hurt, or that you are trapped—except in this case, of course,” he winked and gestured toward the machine my head was connected to, “you could even be on the brink of death! With the power you have, you could transfer yourself into another body, and escape your problems altogether.”

  He brought his lips down to my ear, close enough that I could feel his hot breath. He whispered, “Imagine living forever.”

  My eyes flew open wide. I had never even dreamt of using my power that way. I just wanted to live one life, in one body. That sounded like plenty to me. “Sounds like this is a gift you regret not keeping for yourself.”

  “Oh, it is! But don't worry, I intend to take it back.”

  My mind set off racing. Imagining the awful things Shadow would do to the world if this lunatic was allowed to live forever, bouncing from one stolen body to another. And then, imagining what he could be planning to do to take this power from me… It didn’t seem likely that I would get to live through it.

  He left my side to walk to a control panel on the other side of the room. I took the opportunity to struggle against my restraints again. My head was clearer, and I felt less weak, but I still barely had normal human strength, let alone my usual.

  “How did you give me this power? Aren't people with powers born with them?”

  “It has always been that way, but I have worked for years to improve upon that. You, my dear, are my proof that God is not the only one with the ability to grant power.” He turned to look at me from over his shoulder. “Isn't that exciting, Janine? You are quite special. The little lab rat that will change the world.”

  That’s all people are to him... lab rats. They’re tools. Or worse, they’re nothing.

  “Why me?” I asked.

  “Complete chance! Or, possibly, your fate. I suppose that’s dependent on the beliefs of whom you ask.” The machine he’d been working on beeped. He stepped toward me again. “But whatever the reason, you are a part of something much bigger than yourself, now. Much bigger than any one person!”

  In the time it took me to blink, he was back in front of me. Staring into my eyes. My heart pounded against my ribs, like my chest cavity wasn’t big enough for it.

  “With your help, I am going to be able to save humanity.” His voice was so sure. So absolute.

  I couldn’t keep the confusion from my face. “What does humanity need saving from?”

  “Yourselves! This planet is crumbling under the weight of humanity's bad decisions.”

  “And you’re going to fix things, by living forever?”

  He laughed, like I was missing something obvious. “No, of course not.” He finally took his eyes off of me, turning away to go back to his control panel, as if he remembered there were more buttons to push. “That is just one of the powers I will need, to lead humanity the way that it requires.”

  My mouth fell open. If I wasn't about to die for his crazy shit, I’d have been hysterically laughing at him. “What makes you think you are the one humanity needs? How are you going to fix things?”

  “I'm going to give humanity a chance to reset. And I am the one who needs to do it because I am the only one with the resources, education, and the will to make it happen. I’ve known since I was a child that a heavy responsibility rests on my shoulders.”

  “When you say ‘reset?’”

  That can’t mean what it sounds like…

  “I’m going to rid Earth of its disease and give it a chance to heal. Then I will help humanity to regrow, sustainably this time.” His voice was bland. As if he was just reading off Tuesday’s “to-do” list and not talking about his plans to kill people off in masses.

  “So, you are going to kill people, in order to save them? Do you really not see the stupidity in that?”

  He turned around to face me with his chin held high. “I will kill people in order to save humanity.”

  His self-righteousness was nauseating. What he was describing was completely ridiculous. But the way he held himself—so confident and sure—made me feel uneasy.

  What if he could actually do what he’s planning?

  My restraints suddenly felt tighter.

  “You have to know you sound insane, Crowley. How does that add up to you?”

  He strode across the room to stand in front of me again, but this time he braced his arms on the chair to lean himself over me. His eyes were fiery, giving me the wild stare that I’d seen in my last vision. A temper he must keep just below the surface was showing through.

  “What's insane is going on the way we are and expecting the problems of our species to solve themselves!” My eyes were held captive by his, until he finally pushed himself away from me and took a few steps back. His chest rose and fell slowly, with a deep breath.

  When he spoke again, his casual tone had returned. “My plans are based in science, Janine. Overpopulation and the squandering of resources will lead to the destruction of this planet. It's not a matter of if, but when.”

  It was my turn to be angry. “How much of humanity will you kill before you’re satisfied, Crowley?”

  “As much as it takes!” He snapped. His hands went to rub the back of his neck as he turned away from me. “It will not be easy for me...” He took off his tie and hung it carefully on the beeping machine’s stand. “But I will save what worthy people I can.”

  I scoffed. “I don’t understand how one person can be so full of shit.”

  “You have so much fire, Janine! I appreciate that.” He smirked. It made my stomach churn. Trying to fully process what he was telling me made my eyes go fuzzy.

  When I refocused my vision, he was studying my face, with his arms crossed over his chest. “I’ll put it this way, Janine: Would you rather all innocent people, young and old, die hungry later? Or have the scum of humanity die now, for the sake of the greater good?”

  Heat collected in my face. I had to work to not let my building anger boil over just yet. I was still too weak to act on it. “What is your definition of scum, Crowley? You had a child in one of your cages tonight. Is he scum to you?”

  He sighed, rolling his eyes. “Most everyone is scum, at this point, Janine. You, yourself, were trash, until I gave you purpose.”

  He went back to his slow pacing. “How many people are doing no more with their lives than existing? Contributing nothing? Addicts, the impoverished, the slothful, the uneducated, the mentally ill, not to mention those who are just generally flawed. They are what makes up the population that is draining our planet dry. It’s time to wipe the slate clean of them.”

  He obviously didn’t have a clear image of humanity. But how could he see anything clearly from where he stood, atop his mountain of cash and privilege? His view on the world couldn’t be anything but warped.

  Jim’s tired, worn face flashed through my mind. He ticked so many of those boxes… but I still had hope for him. He didn’t deserve to die. Crowley made things
sound so simple. But he only could because he understood nothing about what it’s like to go through real life—to have ups and downs.

  The urge to bust out of my chair and beat him senseless was growing by the second.

  “Killing potentially millions of people is not the answer to anything. It can't be.” I was forcing my words through a clenched jaw.

  “That’s quite right. In order for this to work, billions will have to die. “

  The tension I’d been holding drained from my face. There was nothing I could say to that.

  You can’t reason with a madman.

  I struggled against the cuffs again.

  Crowley went to a line of cupboards along the wall, behind my other body, and started collecting supplies on the counter. “I will need to keep you awake for your internal examination.” He sighed. “I understand that that may seem harsh, but it is necessary. I want to see your brain functioning, with your consciousness present. But I promise to let you die as soon as I have gotten what I need from you.”

  “Oh, what a relief.”

  He pushed a surgical tray over to me. Various cutting tools and clamps were meticulously laid out on it, but the ones that held my attention were the handheld, electric saw with a circular blade, and the syringe the size of a brick.

  Bile launched from my twisting stomach into my throat. It was a struggle to swallow it back down. Fear, more intense than I’d ever felt before, constricted my breathing. Sweat dripped down my wrists from under the metal cuffs. My clothes stuck to my clammy body.

  I’m going to die.

  Crowley walked behind me to do something I couldn't see. I thrashed as hard as I could against the restraints. In desperation, I closed my eyes and tried to imagine waking up the part of my brain that connected to my strength. Nothing happened.

  I tried to force myself out of this body. I didn't care where I ended up, anywhere else would be better. Nothing.

  Tears welled in my eyes. Nearly every fiber of me wanted to cry out and beg for my life. But there was one corner of my being, one piece that I'd like to think is more me than any other, that refused to do it. It would not allow him to see me break.

  The sound of running water came from behind me. Then the too-familiar, burning smell of alcohol.

  I thought of Cayde, of Eric, and then Zane. I prayed that they were okay. Tears ran down my face, but I would not sob. If it was the last thing I could control, I was going to decide how I handled my torture.

  I looked across from me to the face I used to have. Her features were mostly obscured by an oxygen mask and wires, but I could see her strong jaw and her slender neck. Her tanned skin was much darker than the skin I had now, except for her shaved scalp, which was a full shade lighter.

  That was a detail that was different from my vision. The bastard had stolen my mane of dark curls.

  A whole life I couldn't remember sat there on that metal chair. Now that I was staring down death, I felt foolish for being so sure I’d needed it back to know who I was.

  Who I was right now, in these last moments, was someone to be proud of. Tears might have been streaming down my face, but I was not broken. I was strong.

  I have never been more myself than I am right now.

  “Alright Janine, we're all set.” Excitement was in his voice. For him, this was a scientific development, not murder.

  “My name is Nova,” I said, with as much steel in my voice as I could.

  He came around to face me, now wearing a white surgical gown, and holding the saw in his thin hands. He looked into my wet eyes and said, “Humanity thanks you.” As if that should mean a lot to me.

  “Go fuck yourself, you lunatic.”

  He laughed. And started his saw.

  My breath sped up. I clenched my eyes tightly closed.

  Don’t scream.

  35

  Something slammed against the door. I could have sworn I felt the room shake as I was jumping out of my skin. Crowley nearly dropped his saw.

  Another slam. This time, the doorframe splintered. Hope flooded my system with new energy. It felt like the strangest drug, in contrast to the despair I’d been feeling a moment before.

  I had wanted so badly for my friends to be out of this building and safe. But if they were here to save me now, that would be great too.

  Crowley fumbled around with the cord on his saw, trying to put it down. It was so satisfying to see him struggle. Whoever was at the door, he hadn't been expecting them.

  I might live!

  New tears ran down my face, but they were a different kind now. They were “miracles do happen” tears.

  Another slam against the door, and the frame exploded. Eric ran into the room, through a cloud of dust and splintered wall. His shirt was torn in places, but he seemed to be fine, otherwise.

  “Eric!” I yelled. Crowley was no longer at my side. I couldn't see where he went, but I hoped he was cowering in a corner.

  Eric ran to me. “Are you okay?”

  “Where did Crowley go?” I wanted to stop crying, but couldn't keep the tears from coming.

  He ripped the electrodes off of my head, and I immediately felt my mind open up. It was like it had been strapped down too, and the moment he disconnected the machine, it was set free. Strength rushed into my muscles, leaving them tingling. I’d never been so happy to feel that power. I ripped my arms from the restraints and leapt from the chair.

  “Who is she?” Eric asked, pointing to my other body.

  “That's me.” His eyes widened. “We need to get her off of those machines! Where’s Crowley?”

  Cayde ran into the room. My heart lurched inside my ribcage the moment I saw him. His shirt was stained with blood from his busted lip, and his hair was askew, but he was okay.

  “Nova!” He ran straight to me and wrapped me in his arms. More tears ran down my face before I could stop them. I’d thought I would never feel his chest under my cheek again. Now that I had him here, I didn’t want to let go.

  “This is a very touching reunion, but we need to get the hell out of here. Now,” Eric said.

  “We really do. There were four guards right behind me,” Cayde said. But his arms stayed wrapped around me.

  “Where is Crowley?” I asked again.

  As if hearing his cue, Crowley walked up behind my other body. He’d taken off the gown and replaced his saw with a long knife.

  “You can't leave, Janine. Humanity needs you.”

  Cayde loosened his embrace in order to face Crowley, but I grabbed his hand and held it tightly. “I don't subscribe to your bullshit, Crowley.”

  He brought the blade close to Janine's throat. “I would reconsider.”

  Then the red dot of a gun’s sight appeared over Cayde’s heart as a gunman entered the room. His aim never wavered, even as he navigated through the pieces of the wall that littered the floor. Three more guards filed into the room behind him.

  “What if I found a way to let you live? I could give you back your life and your memories. And I could let your friends leave here, unharmed. Or, if you refuse, you lose both your boyfriends and your past, all at once.”

  Eric’s eyes were shifting between Crowley and the gunman, trying to determine if he could move fast enough to take them out before they could hurt anyone.

  He couldn’t. The gunman’s finger was on the trigger, and Crowley’s blade was pressed against Janine’s throat. I could get Cayde out of harm’s way, or I could lunge for Crowley. There was no time for both. This was a choice I had to make.

  When we entered this building, I’d wanted to know what my past held for me so badly, that I’d been willing to betray the life I’d built as Nova. But Crowley had lost that leverage over me, the moment he’d convinced me that I was going to die. I no longer needed that body, or my memories, the way I thought I did. He showed me who I was. I knew what mattered.

  “I am the only person who can give you back your memories, Janine. Trust me when I say that there is no hope of getting any of
it back, without this body.”

  Cayde’s focus was on the gun threatening his life. I rubbed my thumb over the back of his hand, hoping to reassure him.

  I looked Crowley squarely in the eyes and said, “No.”

  He tried to hide his frustration, but it was all over his face. It laced through his words. “Whether you are willing or not, you will help me. You and I have been called to this.” He pushed the blade further into Janine’s skin. Blood trailed down her neck. “Last chance!”

  My chest ached as I silently said goodbye to her. Goodbye to the whole life I’d never know. And the woman I had been. Then I shot Eric a glance, hoping he would somehow know what I needed him to do.

  “Fuck off, Crowley.” My heart was heavy, but my voice was unwavering.

  As the knife slid across Janine’s throat, I threw Cayde onto the ground, and Eric launched himself at the gunman. The moment my shoulder slammed into the floor, the gun fired. My heart stopped.

  “Eric!” I jumped up as fast as I could, ready to help him, but he had already knocked out the gunman and was taking on another one of the guards.

  The relief I felt was short-lived. My eyes were pulled to the blood on the floor, under Janine’s chair. The sight tore my heart open. And made my stomach lurch. It was so much blood. The copper smell wafting off the growing puddle cut through even the alcohol in the room.

  I’d known that this was coming. I’d chosen this outcome. But that didn’t make the way her—my—limp body slumped in the blood-soaked chair, any less painful to see. Crowley still stood over her, with a dark smirk on his face. He was enjoying my suffering.

  I squeezed my hands into fists to stop their trembling, ready to run at him. Cayde grabbed my shoulder from behind and spun me around to face him. He cupped my cheek in the palm of his hand to direct my eyes to his. “I am so sorry, Nova. But we have to get ou—”

  He was hit from behind. He stumbled into me, stunned for a moment. The guard reset himself before diving for me, planning to tackle me down. I sidestepped him and caught his chest with my open hand, slamming him to the ground. Something under my hand cracked with the impact. He gasped for air, making no moves to get up.