Conversations With the Crow

by Gregory Douglas

  GD: As I recall over 50%. It takes about a week to develop. If the weather conditions are just right, pneumonic plague can be very deadly. That spreads in the air. I mean, if someone infected with it got on a commercial aircraft, they circulate the air in those germ hostels and as I said, if an infected person was on a flight, I think everyone on that flight would be at serious risk. And, naturally, they would spread it in public transportation, at home or at work. Nasty stuff. What are they up to at Detrick?

  RTC: Ah well, these people are always making up batches of death just like the Army is always drawing up plans to invade Canada. Their idea is to have it ready just in case.

  GD: Yes. I have found that if some new and deadly weapon is developed, the general staffs of various countries having it just can’t wait to use it Müller said the German Army used plague in their Russian POW camps to thin them out but that he effectively blocked it by telling Hitler that there are no customs posts around to stop the disease from spreading to the rest of the country. They felt the camps were far enough east to keep that under control but Hitler put a stop to it.

  RTC: Interesting.

  GD: Dr. Schreiber was their man. And yours, too. We got him in ’48 and he went to San Antonio.

  RTC: Well nothing happened

  GD: That was then. I doubt if Clinton would approve that sort of thing but who knows about someone else?

  RTC: If they did do that, they would have to send the clean-up squad around to off the ones who were in the know.

  GD: Something like that would work in an overcrowded and poor country. Here, yes, it would kill a lot but there are medical means to stop it pretty well if they can get a handle on it.

  RTC: Well, it isn’t on the agenda for domestic use.

  GD: Any place in mind? I mean, I do travel and you know if there was some target area……

  RTC: Russia has been mentioned but mostly China. It is coming up but basically poor and heavy population density. And there has been talk about letting a rice plague loose down there. All of them gobble up rice…they live on it…and if we killed off the crops there for, oh let’s say about two-three years running, they would starve.

  GD: True and their resistance would be greatly lowered. A one-two punch, Robert? First the rice crops are ruined and then the plague? I’m sure there are plenty of rats in China and plenty of unsanitary living conditions.

  RTC: Well, right now, we do a lot of business with them so the word is out they are off the table but if they ever turn out to be a threat to us…you know what I mean of course.

  GD: Flaming pragmatism, Robert.

  RTC: Let’s call it defending the nation.

  GD: Well, the civilized British put out smallpox infected blankets and killed off many Indians. I notice the even more civilized French preferred to work with the Indians rather that slaughter them. Still, that is over and done with, isn’t it?

  RTC: Don’t be too sure, Gregory.

  GD: Yes, but they could do it to us first, couldn’t they. I know the Chinese and they are a cold-blooded lot.

  RTC: Mutual destruction thesis? Yes, of course. But then this is just talk.

  GD: They must be working on it…

  RTC: No, lad, they have it. It isn’t making it and putting in the bug cans but deciding to use it I was thinking of.

  GD: I really wouldn’t want to live in DC at all. Reasons like this.

  RTC: I’m too old and too set to move and I suppose I will die soon enough.

  GD: We grow rice here in California and Louisiana but rice isn’t a real staple. I think that’s a Pandora’s Box. Leave it closed.

  RTC: Nothing I would recommend but just wondered what you knew.

  GD: Well, if your chum tips you that they are about to do something like that, please let me know. I could send my mother-in-law to ground zero. No, actually, the old pig exploded some time ago. God, the bitch was fat. My wife told me that her mother was dead and do you know what I said?

  RTC: Something meaningful and sympathetic?

  GD: No, not actually. I said ‘How can they tell?’ No sex for a week, Robert. Too bad we didn’t have a cat or I wouldn’t have had to make up with her.

  RTC: (Laughter) Did you say that?

  GD: Yes, and I meant it. It was hard for Tubs to get into a shower so she just doused herself with cheap perfume. My God, it stank like a Mexican whorehouse. Did you know, Robert, that someone once asked me if I played the piano and I told them that I did and that I had learned to play in my aunt’s whorehouse in Juarez.

  RTC: Your aunt….

  GD: Do not let us speak of my aunt. I have said before, Robert, that one of the dreams of my life was to watch her do the breaststroke in a septic tank.

  (Concluded at 2:50 PM CST)

  Conversation No. 22

  Date: Friday, July 5, 1996

  Commenced: 1:45 PM CST

  Concluded: 2:10 PM CST

  GD: Did you have a safe Fourth, Robert?

  RTC: Oh my, yes, Gregory. I was out in the street firing off rockets at passing police cars. And you?

  GD: No, I stayed inside. Little children setting the garage on fire with Grandma tied up inside or shooting bottle rockets into gas tanker trucks on the freeway. Plastic surgeons must have loved the Glorious Fourth back when we had real firecrackers to fire off. Missing eyes, fingers and other body parts. Terrified and singed cats and dogs, not to mention grass fires and burning shake roofs. I can just see you firing off rockets into passing cop cars, Robert. With your training and previous employment, no doubt the rockets blew the occupants into bloody cat meat.

  RTC: Such an outburst of rage, Gregory.

  GD: I am a man of sorrows and acquainted with rage, Robert. How about the Company setting off a small A-bomb in some hitherto harmless country and blaming it on mice?

  RTC: Now that’s something we never did. In fact, we prevented at least one nuclear disaster.

  GD: What? A humanitarian act? Why, I am astounded, Robert. Do tell me about this.

  RTC: Now, now, Gregory, sometimes we can discuss serious business. There were times when we prevented terrible catastrophes and tried to secure more peace. We had trouble, you know, with India back in the 60s when they got uppity and started work on an atomic bomb. Loud mouthed cow-lovers bragging about how clever they were and how they, too, were going to be a great power in the world. The thing is, they were getting into bed with the Russians. Of course, Pakistan was in bed with the chinks, so India had to find another bed partner. And we did not want them to have any kind of nuclear weaponry because God knows what they would have done with it. Probably strut their stuff like a Washington nigger with a brass watch. Probably nuke the Pakis. They’re all a bunch of neo-coons anyway. Oh, yes, and their head expert was fully capable of building a bomb and we knew just what he was up to. He was warned several times but what an arrogant prick that one was. Told our people to fuck off and then made it clear that no one would stop him and India from getting nuclear parity with the big boys. Loudmouths bring it all down on themselves. Do you know about any of this?

  GD: Not my area of interest or expertise. Who is this joker, anyway?

  RTC: Was, Gregory, let’s use the past tense, if you please. Name was Homi Bhabha. [19]That one was dangerous, believe me. He had an unfortunate accident. He was flying to Vienna to stir up more trouble, when his 707 had a bomb go off in the cargo hold and they all came down on a high mountain way up in the Alps. No real evidence and the world was much safer.

  GD: Was Ali Baba alone on the plane?

  RTC: No it was a commercial Air India flight.

  GD: How many people went down with him?

  RTC: Ah, who knows and frankly, who cares?

  GD: I suppose if I had a relative on the flight I would care.

  RTC: Did you?

  GD: No.

  RTC: Then don’t worry about it. We could have blown it up over Vienna but we decided the high mountains were much better for the bits and pieces to come down on. I think a possible death
or two among mountain goats is much preferable than bringing down a huge plane right over a big city.

  GD: I think that there were more than goats, Robert.

  RTC: Well, aren’t we being a bleeding-heart today?

  GD: Now, now, it’s not an observation that is unexpected. Why not send him a box of poisoned candy? Shoot him in the street? Blow up his car? I mean, why ace a whole plane full of people?

  RTC: Well, I call it as it see it. At the time, it was our best shot. And we nailed Shastri [20]as well. Another cow-loving raghead. Gregory, you say you don’t know about these people. Believe me, they were close to getting a bomb and so what if they nuked their deadly Paki enemies? So what? Too many people in both countries. Breed like rabbits and full of snake-worshipping twits. I don’t for the life of me see what the Brits wanted in India. And then threaten us? They were in the sack with the Russians, I told you. Maybe they could nuke the Panama Canal or Los Angeles. We don’t know that for sure, but it is not impossible.

  GD: Who was Shastri?

  RTC: A political type who started the program in the first place. Babha was a genius and he could get things done, so we aced both of them. And we let certain people there know that there was more where that came from. We should have hit the chinks, too, while we were at it, but they were a tougher target. Did I tell you about the idea to wipe out Asia’s rice crops? We developed a disease that would have wiped rice off the map there and it’s their staple diet. The fucking rice growers here got wind of it and raised such a stink we canned the whole thing. The theory was that the disease could spread around and hurt their pocketbooks. If the Mao people invade Alaska, we can tell the rice people it’s all their fault.

  GD: I suppose we might make friends with them.

  RTC: With the likes of them? Not at all, Gregory. The only thing the Communists understand is brute force. India was quieter after Bhabha croaked. We could never get to Mao but at one time, the Russians and we were discussing the how and when of the project. Oh yes, sometimes we do business with the other side. Probably more than you realize.

  GD: Now that I know about. High level amorality. They want secrets from us and you give them some of them in return for some of their secrets, doctored, of course. That way, both agencies get credit for being clever.

  RTC: Well, you’ve been in that game, so why be so holy over a bunch of dead ragheads?

  GD: Were all the passengers Indian atomic scientists?

  RTC: Who cares, Gregory? We got the main man and that was all that mattered. You ought not criticize when you don’t have the whole story.

  GD: Well, there were too many mountain goats running around, anyway. They might have gotten their hands on some weapons from Atwood and invaded Switzerland.

  RTC: You jest but there is truth in what you say. We had such a weight on us, protecting the American people, often from themselves I admit. Many of these stories can never be written, Gregory. And if you try, you had better get your wife to start your car in the morning.

  GD: How about my mother-in-law, Robert? Now do you see why Kimmel doesn’t want me talking to you? It isn’t that he’s afraid you might talk to me; I think he’s afraid I might corrupt you with my evil designs.

  RTC: Tom means well but he’s dumb as a post. Most of the FBI are keyhole peepers at heart and should keep the hell out of espionage. Yes, Tom thinks I am getting senile and you are persuading me to give up state secrets. I may be old and I do forget names sometimes but I am not gaga yet, not by a long shot, and I’ve done a lot more important things than Tom ever did chasing car thieves and people dragging whores over state lines to a cheap motel.

  GD: I don’t think you’re crazy, Robert and, you know, I once discussed you with him. He wanted to know what you were talking about with me and I told him we were discussing stamp collecting. He was not happy with this. I know he views me as a terrible person, but I can’t help that. He said you weren’t the person you used to be and I said who was? I asked him if he was better or worse that he had been at twenty and he got mad at me. Self-righteous, Robert, self-righteous.

  RTC: Well, you certainly aren’t that, Gregory.

  GD: Well, you’re not crazy and I’m not wicked. I am right, aren’t I? Please tell me I’m right, Robert. I’ll cry myself to sleep if you don’t

  RTC: (Laughter) You’re a truly bad person, Gregory.

  GD: I know. I told Jesus that last night when we were playing poker. He keeps hiding cards in that hole in his side.

  RTC: Tell that to the Pope.

  GD: We don’t get along anymore since I ran over his cat.

  (Concluded at 2:10 PM CST)

  Conversation No. 23

  Date: Monday, July 8, 1996

  Commenced: 1:40 PM CST

  Concluded: 1:55 PM CST

  GD: Am I disturbing anything there? I hear conversations in the background.

  RTC: My son was just leaving. See you later…yes, I will…sorry.

  GD: I can call back later if you wish.

  RTC: No, everyone has gone. Anything new?

  GD: Yes. Talking about the Swiss, I just discovered that the Swiss minister, Bruggmann, was a brother-in-law of Henry Wallace. Married his sister Mary. Anyway, old Henry used to tell Bruggmann everything he knew and the Swiss fellow sent long reports to Bern. Unfortunately, the Germans were listening in and knew all kinds of things. Did you know about this?

  RTC: Yes, we did. We found it out later. Henry was somewhat left of center and in ’44, tried to nail down the nomination for President. The party told FDR that they would not hold still for that so Franklin, who had more or less supported Henry as Vice President, dumped him for Truman. I think everyone, including Roosevelt, knew he was not long for this world and the VP would be our next President. Henry had the full support of Stalin and, through him, the Communist labor movement here. We missed having a red flag over the Capitol by very little. Henry drifted into obscurity and then vanished off the stage.

  GD: I found out the same thing. Roosevelt pretended to be a liberal just as Hitler pretended to be a revolutionary. Got more votes. Hitler was a conservative but he posed as a radical. Remember the blood purge in ’34. He got rid of the real revolutionaries then and went over to the side of the professional military and the banking houses.

  RTC: If Roosevelt had put Wallace in, there would have been serious trouble, believe me. Henry would have had a car accident as I was told.

  GD: That’s what usually happens. Or the heart attack. That’s not as messy and much easier to arrange, isn’t it?

  RTC: Yes, generally.

  GD: Stalin said it was easy to plan a murder but a suicide was more difficult.

  RTC: I recall that after Roosevelt passed to Valhalla with his stamp albums, there was a reaction to all his Commie friends and you recall the savage persecutions, don’t you?

  GD: I was younger then but I recall McCarthy and the rest of it.

  RTC: The Catholic church was behind him. Your friend Müller was also involved there. They did clean house of the lefties all right.

  GD: I suppose in the process, they ruined quite a few perfectly innocent people.

  RTC: Talleyrand said that you couldn’t make an omelet without the breaking of eggs.

  GD: The innocent always suffer, Robert. That’s what they’re there for. By the way, I was reading about the surge of AIDS in Africa. What a tragedy. Once the evil white colonists were kicked out, taking all the skilled technicians with them, the gloriously freed natives surged forward. Of course all the countries there are falling apart. I suppose in a few years, spears will be back in fashion and at some meeting of the heads of state, one of them arrives late and asks another if he missed much and was told that everyone’s eaten.

  RTC: Gregory…

  GD: And did you hear the one about Desmond Tutu passing his brother in the forest?

  RTC: Now that’s actually funny.

  GD: Yes, the evil masters leave and the countries descend into poverty and are all infected with AIDS. In Am
erica, we all know that AIDS is the exclusive property of the homosexual and drug communities and since the average African makes about five dollars a month and can’t afford a box of Aspirin, I think they must all be gay. Instead of enlightened ethnic freedom, we have mass buggery and protracted death.

  RTC: Well, Africa is very rich in natural resources. If we all wait long enough, the indigenous population will all die off and the rest of us will have free pickings.

  GD: A rational observation, Robert. Unkind but rational. I get so tired of people who reject reality and bleat like sheep. Why? Reality terrifies them and bleating along with other sheep makes them feel mighty and meaningful.

  RTC: You speak ill of sheep, Gregory. You are not a sheep, are you?

  GD: No, I am a wolf. I eat sheep on a regular basis. I am a civilized wolf, however, and prefer them roasted with mint sauce and new potatoes.

  RTC: I seem to have heard that you have lived by your wits and the money of other people.

  GD: Robert, surely you realize that a fool and his money are soon parted?

  RTC: Yes, so it would seem.

  GD: I do love the crooked rich. They’re the easiest to prey on. I recall once when a friend of mine became enamored of the sculpting of Frederic Remington. He was a sculptor and made a small bust of an Indian warrior. I suggested he sign the wax with Remington’s signature and then put in the name of the Roman Bronze people. Then I took the finished product up to Butterfield and Butterfield in ‘Frisco and the greedy Bernie Osher bought it from me for a lot of money. Now, mark you, Robert, I never told Bernie that it was original. In fact, I told him I knew nothing about it and got it from my Grandmother’s attic after she died. The dumb schmuck actually signed the receipt ‘As Is.’ Which speaks for itself of course. Then he tried to sue me and lost. Lots of very bad publicity for him. In the meantime, Bernie and his co-religionists resold the same piece to a sucker in New York as genuine. And they sued me! I beat them.

  RTC: How much did you get out of that?

  GD: All together?