Conversations With the Crow

by Gregory Douglas

  GD: Why not?

  RTC: You ask a question like that? Orson Wells’ program? Why the issue is national panic, that’s why not. Harry Truman could see this and the Roswell business and other things were all shut up and the press fed with reams of fake sightings and they got their in-house historians to write satires on the little green men. And even now, they encourage the nut fringe to publish silly crap and engage in hair pulling contests, just to keep the public looking at other things. Panic, Gregory. Tens of thousands of people vanish each year without any trace. We got the transistor from the Roswell wreck and the Air Force says at least 5% of all flying saucer sightings are real. And the non-humans walking around. My God, can you imagine the resurrection of the Salem witch trials if the air-brained public ever got it into their fuzzy heads that there were aliens running around the streets? And I don’t mean Guatemalan housemaids or Mexican gardeners either. No, royal panic. The public would demand answers and no one in authority can give them.

  GD: Oh, they can just make something reasonable up and get it on the front page of the New York Times and then it’s all quiet on the western front.

  RTC: Yes, that’s the usual drill but that might apply to sightings of strange celestial crockery but the thought that something sitting next to you on the bus might be something sinister from another galaxy would cause a royal uproar. No one here wants to deal with such things so they are best forgotten or better still, never talked about in the first place.

  GD: I remember uncovering a story in July of ’76 about the Legionnaire’s Disease in Philly. I don’t know who was behind it but it was no accident. I got ABC interested in it and they did one, and only one, story on the air and then were shut up from way on high.

  RTC: That was a little mistake from the Ft. Detrick people. The perp was terminated.

  GD: So were some old geeks.

  RTC: Collateral damage. Yes, I know about that and I laugh every time they mention in the media that it broke out again. Keeps the ball rolling. But the visiting aliens are another matter.

  GD: Oh, I understand that. The public would run around like drunken chickens and every nut in the country would be jabbering about his own nut version and of course people would point out homeless eccentrics or, more likely, unwanted neighbors or personal enemies and the public would lynch them.

  RTC: That’s the problem.

  GD: Is there a solution?

  RTC: As I understand it, a number of our agencies have been very quietly working on this visitation business for some time. The problem is that we can’t just send out flyers to hospitals or morgues without it getting out but it would be obvious that if they found something similar, the local press would be alerted and the story might, just possibly might, get out. Ah well, I have mixed emotions about sending this to you and you do assure me you won’t copy any of this or write about it?

  GD: Are you joking, Robert? My God, the flying saucer nuts are almost as bad as the Kennedy assassination lunatics. If I published anything that one of them didn’t dream up in some psych ward when the meds ran out, they would gang up on me, screeching like Irish banshees. I’ve been thinking about doing something on the Kennedy business…..

  RTC: But after I am no longer around. We agreed on this…

  GD: Of course. No, I anticipate the screeching and clawing if I do. And if I ever hinted that there are non-humans among us and, better still, if I could even come close to proving it, my God, not only would the Air Force strafe my house at night but an army of the Undead conspiracy nutties would camp on my lawn and shit all over the grass. But is it interesting all in all. I mean, who, or what, are these things? Are they just doing on the ground recon? Are they going to run one of their people for high office? Are they collecting toads to experiment on? Colonists?

  RTC: We could go on for days but in the end, I doubt if we’ll ever know.

  GD: I suppose if someone at a Burger King saw an old woman’s three foot long black tongue shoot out of her mouth and snatch a Whopper off of a tray we might have problems.

  RTC: There would be a descent of the sanitizing people and a few obits in the local paper. The old lady with the frog tongue would be long gone and so would any witnesses, believe me.

  GD: This is a weird conversation Robert, believe me.

  RTC: Well, you can see why things like this never get any meaningful press, can’t you. If some farmer started talking about some giant frog eating his horses, everyone would laugh at the really funny AP article on page thirty and that would be the end of it.

  GD: Probably would be. But what do your people think about all of this?

  RTC: That there are aliens among us and that flying saucers are about 98% real. And we know that people vanish from the sight of man but then why frighten ourselves unnecessarily, Gregory?

  GD: Yes, we can go the beach and watch all the legions of fatties waddling around the sand, crushing small children and blocking out the sun for thousands of others.

  RTC: Gregory, I thank God I am not fat or I might find you offensive.

  GD: So many others do, Robert. How did they know the thing was a woman?

  RTC: It had no cock and a pair of tits.

  GD: To the point. Sounds like people I know. Turns to jelly, does it? Why back to the subject of fatties at the beach, so many people turn to jelly after twenty five. If we could harvest the fat, flense them as it were, we could make up for any international oil shortfall. And if Malthus was right, and I know he was, when the great hunger comes, why this country will have whole cities full of the hefties they can harvest. I saw a woman the other day and I swear, one of her monstrous thighs could feed a family of five for a month. For a month, Robert. With a decent sauce, of course. Why the Filipinos eat monkeys but I think that’s more like cannibalism than anything else.

  RTC: Your unkindness knows no borders. But to return to reality, Gregory, you understand the dynamics here, don’t you?

  GD: More or less. A friend of mine, an anchor person for a television station in San Francisco told me once that if they knew to the hour when a major earthquake would strike Los Angeles, and it will, the state would quietly evacuate people they considered important and wait for the rest to happen. Not cruelty but pragmatism. There would be a huge panic, suicides, looting, rapes, arson and other manifestations of human vileness and the death tolls from these would far transcend those from a major quake. No, I understand the concept. ‘Where every prospect pleases and only man is vile.’

  RTC: Have you ever considered going into the ministry, Gregory?

  GD: The Ministry of Defense?

  RTC: No, that’s not what I had in mind.

  GD: I can put my shirt on backward and collect for the poor. Since I’m poor, it wouldn’t bother me at all.

  (Concluded at 11:10 AM CST)

  Conversation No. 27

  Date: Friday, Thursday, July 25, 1996

  Commenced: 9:55 AM CST

  Concluded: 10:22 AM CST

  EC: Hello.

  GD: Good morning, Mrs. Crowley. Is Robert available?

  EC: He’s upstairs. Let me call him.

  GD: If it’s too much….

  EC: No, dear, I’m sure he would like to talk to you.

  (Pause)

  RTC: Good morning, Gregory. I was going through some papers.

  GD: No problem. I can get back to you later.

  RTC: No trouble. I was going to talk with you about your forthcoming books. I think you must be aware that the first book came on slowly but has gathered steam. That loud-mouth, D'Amato,[23] has the Jews behind him and he wants answers from people. The Jews are absolutely outraged at the thought that our Israel-loving government would have even considered hiring the head of the Gestapo, and this is anathema to them. And as you know, an angry Jew can be heard for two blocks with your windows shut.

  GD: Tell me about it. I get all kinds of squealing emails from them demanding that I recant this or prove that.

  RTC: How do you deal with this?

  GD
: Well, if they’re polite, I’m polite but when the shrill demands start or the orders to do this or that, I basically tell them to suck my ass.

  RTC: In such language?

  GD: Sometimes. I told you that I have all the German concentration camp records on microfilm that I got from the Russians and they either want to see if their aunt Sophie is there or are horrified that the Russians would dare send these to an unauthorized person. I being the unauthorized person. I am not a Jew and only a Jew may look at these precious and sacred records, let alone write about them. I mean I might discover that the huge death tolls are fakes. Can’t have that. Why all the holocaust museums would have to shut down and all across America, weeping librarians would be pulling down the Anne Frank diaries and either tossing them into the dumpster or putting them into the fiction section. Anyway, they are very, very unhappy and most of them want me to send them something, anything, to prove I have the files. I always send one or two pages, just enough to make my point and then I put them on the block. Jesus, such self-centered and self-important assholes. I don’t hear the Armenians, who really were massacred by the Turks, making such an uproar. I mean, it’s like someone I don’t know demanding that I attack the government of Great Britain because they got a traffic ticket they feel was unjust. Don’t these rodents realize that outside of their incestuous groups, no one else gives a flying fuck about their crazy stories? Six million gassed, my ass. The highest toll I can find is about two hundred thousand Russian Jews shot or hanged by the German security police in occupied Russian territory and my God, I have reams of correspondence between the French, the Hungarians, the Latvians and, oh my, especially the Greeks, begging the Germans to rid them of their Jews. I mean begging them. The Hungarians were the most strident. Now, of course, we hear stories of weeping Italians begging the evil Germans to let all their boxcars full of Jews go free. And as the train steamed off, headed for the enormous gas chambers of the dread Auschwitz, the Italians waved goodbye. Oh, and here is a really funny one. Now, it seems, trains of wailing Jews went from Italy through Switzerland on their way to martyrdom and the soap factory and while the trains were stopped in Swiss stations, the evil Swiss came down and pissed on them. Of course this is another legend because none of the camp trains ever went through Switzerland. Alfonse the Tomato is typical of his breed. He’s doing badly in the polls so the Jews offer to give him a few dollars and the price is to act as their hand puppet. On it goes, Robert, on it goes.

  RTC: My, you must be on the second pot of coffee, Gregory.

  GD: Actually, I’ve been sniffing glue. Sorry to rant here but I do get so tired of listening to the same old wailing If I ever get around to trying to decipher Mueller’s notes and put out the daily diary he kept while he was over here, what is now the wind will become the whirlwind. And this time, your people will be beating their drums and blowing the tin horns to accompany the Hebrew cries for justice and money. In reverse order, actually. Of course, we could talk about all the calls you get from the Kimmel DOJ people about how truly evil I am and why you should never, ever talk to me.

  RTC: Oh God, don’t bring that up. I don’t get as many calls as I used to but they still come in. I write their names and extension numbers down and send them to you. What do you do with them, by the way? Send them huge take out Chinese dinners?

  GD: No, I ring them up and ask them who the fuck they think they are.

  RTC: Actually, I don’t think they know. Someone puts them up to this, of course. And Kimmel hasn’t helped the situation by hovering in the background wearing a black cloak and hissing to his minions. Bill gets some of this and Bill will run with the hares and hunt with the hounds, if you take my meaning.

  GD: I have come to that conclusion. Not a bad fellow and his wife is very nice but he wants to be important so he will pass something to me today, and ask me their questions tomorrow. I humor him, Robert, and if I give him information, I do so to mislead him and those who want the information. It’s so much fun to lead them down the secret trails right into the quicksand. For example, I know of someone who is a serious FBI informer so I once told Bill that the snitch was the one who was supplying me with the really awful documents from the files. Of course someone is supplying me but not the one I very privately tell him.

  RTC: Yes, Mr. Mueller’s tag for you is perfect, Gregory. Mr. Sunshine indeed. I think they view you as old Nick himself with brimstone smells and a long tail.

  GD: Well, sorry to have been so intense today but I bottle all this up and when it comes out, there is a lot of it.

  RTC: Sounds like a dose of salts.

  GD: More or less. Well, you’re Catholic Irish and I’m Protestant German but inside your Beltway, we are in the minority.

  RTC: That’s sadly true.

  GD: Instead of a chaplain starting sessions of Congress, pretty soon they’ll have the rabbi up there chanting. And eventually they will go too far and when the public finds out about it, and that will take some time because they own all the papers and the television stations, then El Al flights will be booked solid with a huge mass of one-way passengers, all carrying large carpetbags filed with dollars.

  RTC: Do you really think so, Gregory? Or are you only trying to make an old man feel hopeful?

  GD: No, it’s inevitable. Well, as Louis XIV said on his deathbed, ‘Oh Lord, come quickly!’

  RTC: I think ‘go quickly’ would be more to the point.

  GD: Let us pray, Robert, and a miracle of deliverance might suddenly come upon us.

  (Concluded at 10:22 AM CST)

  Conversation No. 28

  Date: Friday, July 26, 1996

  Commenced: 11:50 AM CST

  Concluded: 12:01 PM CST

  GD: Hello, Robert. I hope I’m not interrupting your lunch or anything.

  RTC: No, we already ate. I’ve been reading the Post for entertainment. And you?

  GD: Same old routines. I’ll be looking for the material on non humans whenever you send it.

  RTC: It’s all in a manila envelope, addressed and stamped. Greg will come by either this evening or tomorrow and I will have him drop it into the box near his home. It’s a bit too bulky for the local man on the route. You should have it in a week or so.

  GD: Oh, no problem. I was thinking about the concept of alien life here and what a good write it would be but then, early this morning when dreams vanish and are replaced by reality,. I realized that I could never do anything with this. I mean it would be fascinating to read but even if you had documents signed by Clinton himself, no one would believe it.

  RTC: OF course they would, Gregory. The public loves stories like that. The massive corruption here no one ever talks about and no one cares about but flying saucers, death rays and so on are always of interest. But given that, you would have to fight the establishment on this and I don’t mean the one here or in New York. All of these things,; like the Kennedy business, Pearl Harbor and so on have their cliques and you are an outsider. They won’t let you in, Gregory, and if you print something they don’t like, they will give you both the cold shoulder and the finger respectively. I don’t advise you to publish in this area for two reasons. The first would be that our people would come down on you if there was any chance the public would get wind of it and the second is that the conspiracy idiots would band together to chase you off.

  GD: Well, the CIA, the FBI, the creeps in the National Archives, dozens of Jewish organizations, the German government and God knows who else are furious about the Mueller book project but they aren’t like the conspiracy fools. These people whisper to each other that I am evil and should be put in a nut house somewhere and kept silent but they would never, ever dare to do a hit piece on me in the media. That nut Gitta Sereny [24] did that for a while and then she was shut down very firmly.

  RETC: How so?

  GD: She published libels against me in various British papers and I got in touch with their editors with the result that the old goat got the sack. My God, she kept right on going, like that
mechanical rabbit beating the drum. I finally had to deal very severely with her so eventually, she shut up.

  RTC: Where is she from?

  GD: She has a fake British accent but she’s a Hungarian Jew and part of the holocaust nonsense people. She claims to be an expert on the matter but she knows less than your wife. It’s so much fun to listen to these experts who know nothing. Of course, they’ve convinced some publisher they are experts and after a few sensational sort of books, they actually become experts. I’ve talked to so many of these recently that I’m getting tired of them. They have no idea what they’re talking about and they spend most of their time attacking other stupid writers that they ought to hold games in a stadium somewhere and let them hack away at each other with axes. So much for the fools. This alien business is interesting. The disappearance of so many people, on the other hand, can be found in the public FBI reports. And no one has bothered to put the figures together. Tens of thousands of Americans simply vanish every year. Given a few murders and so on, there are far too many to shove off on murderous child molesters or angry spouses or even the Mafia. They vanish and now we learn that there are non-humans wandering around. I wonder if there is any connection between the two subjects?

  RTC: Well, we have a section, as I have said, that is interested in such phenomenon but it isn’t that important. What with Doctors Gottleib and Cameron’s activities leaking out, we keep investigations into aliens and such like very quiet,

  GD: People who turn into jelly when they die surely must be reported.

  RTC: I really am not up on that, Gregory. I just picked up the report because it was interesting. I recalled the out of the body experiences we called remote viewing and all the money it cost the taxpayers. There are parts of the Company that are filled with lunatics. I recall once someone brought in a medium to try to second guess the Russians. Do you know how much we paid that silly cow? A hundred thousand dollars. She hit a few points right on but then we later decided she was a good guesser.