Oh, that I had a kindred spirit & by whom, be loved. I have none & feel desolate, Anne wrote during the three months Isabella spent with her. This lament became a refrain over the course of autumn 1819. I felt a sinking at my heart this afternoon. [...] I left all alone, none to love, to turn to, or to speak to. All will be dreary & forlorn. Oh, that I had a fit companion to dote on, to beguile the tedious hours. But I must study & never think of love & all the sweet endearments of life.12 As in the year before when she wanted to forget Mariana, Anne hoped study would distract her. It was unfair to blame Isabella for her not learning much in recent months; she had been notching up diary entries complaining about her own negligence for more than two years. Anne had not picked up her tutorials with Mr Knight after her mother’s death. She rarely got up as early as she intended. In an attempt to trick herself, she tried sleeping on the floor. This did not do. Did not awake till 7 & was so vexed to find it so late, I lay dozing till 9.13 To become reaccustomed to intellectual work, she wrote a 96-page report on her stay in Paris for Mr Duffin. Anne did not enjoy the laborious collation of facts and references but regarded the work as useful practice for a publication of her own, such as a translation of Plinius’ Naturalis historia. She had hope of a possibility of making something by writing14 and felt ambition in the literary way, of my wish for a name in the world.15 Would she have regarded her diaries as her actual oeuvre?
Books, though, were only ever a secondary pursuit. Oh, how my heart longs after a companion & how I often wish for an establishment of my own, but I may then be too old to attach anyone & my life shall have passed in that dreary solitude I so ill endure. In this mood, Anne received a letter from Mariana with the suggestion of meeting her in Manchester for a night at the Albion Hotel. Mariana was jealous of Isabella and her long stay with Anne. Her mother and sister Nantz’s return journey from Lawton Hall to York offered her an opportunity to meet Anne without Charles finding out. Such a rendezvous for a night was foolish in every respect. Anne’s uncle and aunt would think of the money it would cost & they would not approve.16 Above all, though, Anne had not seen Mariana for almost two years and had used that time to detach herself. I had certainly never less idea, hope, or rather wish, of our being ultimately together than I have at present.17 From Mariana’s letters, which bored her, she believed Mariana had grown apart from her. I suppose she is more comfortable now than formerly with C–. She has her carriage & the luxuries of life and thinks proportionately less of me. All in all, Anne considered Mariana an unfaithful friend to Isabella, a weak & wavering companion to me. On calm & mature reflection I neither much admire her nor much esteem her character.18
Despite all this, she travelled three and three-quarter hours to Manchester on 18 November 1819 and took a room at the Moseley Arms for an hour to make herself look presentable before she went on to the Albion Hotel. Having expected Anne earlier, the Belcombes had just gone out. Precious hours of an already short meeting were wasted. Tired of waiting, Anne had a guide take her to the site of the Peterloo Massacre. By the time she finally met the Belcombes at the hotel, M– sadly disappointed. She met me affectionately enough & seemed rather nervous. After dinner, Anne and Mariana withdrew early. Alone at last, they did not launch themselves upon one another in fits of passion, but plagued each other with questions about their sex lives. Anne wanted to know how often Mariana and Charles were connected &, guessing, found might be at the rate of about twenty times a year. Mariana asked about Isabella. Anne did not mention the fact that she slept with her whenever they saw each other. Mariana was pleased to hear me say that, tho’ Tib seemed fully to expect living with me, yet, at all events that would not be, for I neither did, nor could, feel anything like love towards her. However, Anne mentioned Tib’s being fond of me as ever & the deceitful game I was now obliged to play as, of course, I could say nothing of my engagement to her. ‘Indeed,’ I said, ‘is there, or can there be, any engagement at present? Was not every obligation on my part cancelled by your marriage?’ She acknowledged that it was, but suggested, ‘You might make another promise now.’ ‘Oh, no,’ said I, ‘I cannot now.’
Got into bed. She seemed to want a kiss. It was more than I did. The tears rushed into my eyes. I felt I know not what & she perceived that I was much agitated. She bade me not or she should begin too & I knew not how she should suffer. She guessed not what passed within me. They were not tears of adoration. I felt that she was another man’s wife. I shuddered at the thought & at the conviction that no soffistry [sic] could gloss over the criminality of our connection. Mariana had never felt such scruples, as Anne noted with repulsion. What is M–’s match but legal prostitution? And, alas, what is her connection with me? Has she more passion than refinement? More plausibility than virtue? Give me a little romance. It is the greatest purifier of our affections & often an excellent guard against libertinism. From the kiss she gave me it seemed as if she loved me as fondly as ever. By & by, we seemed to drop asleep but, by & by, I perceived she would like another kiss & she whispered, ‘Come again a bit, Freddy.’ For a little while I pretended sleep. In fact, it was inconvenient. But soon, I got up a second time, again took off, went to her a second time &, in spite of all, she really gave me pleasure.19 The next day, Anne was back at Shibden Hall by 8:45 in the evening.
Such extravagances could not remain entirely secret in a town as small as Halifax. In so-called refined society, however, Anne was not really rejected. Her family and friends might not like the look of her black clothing and took some time to get used to it, but they overlooked it. Anne was simply odd,20 a term she also applied to herself. She used the word oddities21 to refer to her masculine conduct and her love for women, which she acknowledged in hints. When the Greenwood sisters teased her on one occasion that they heard I was going to be married to Mr George Priestley, she not only denied the gossip, but also added how very much I preferred ladies to gentlemen.22 Caroline Greenwood kept track of Anne’s female conquests with a broad grin.23 Anne took secret revenge with foolish fancying about Caroline Greenwood, meeting her on Skircoat Moor, taking her into a shed there is there & being connected with her. Supposing myself in men’s clothes & having a penis, tho’ nothing more.24 Yet it was highly important to Anne never to be observed in fondling circumstances.25
Lower down the social scale, people treated Anne Lister with far less discretion, nicknaming her Gentleman Jack, referring to Jack-the-lad. Some thought Anne a provocation. The people generally remark, as I pass along, how much I am like a man. She was a little proud of that, in secret. But she also heard more vulgar comments. At the top of Cunnery Lane, as I went, three men said, as usual, ‘That’s a man’ & one axed [sic] ‘Does your cock stand?’ 26 In York, prostitutes offered her their services. There were several bad women standing about the mail. They would have it I was a man and one of them gave me a familiar knock on the left breast & would have persisted in following me.27 In Halifax, too, people became intrusive. A little-ish, mechanic-like, young man spoke to Anne on the way to church, asking if I would like to change my situation.28 Anne left him standing but remembered him immediately when she received a threatening letter from one ‘William Townsend’ on 1 October 1819. A second letter arrived a few weeks later, beginning, ‘As I understand you advertised in the Leeds mercury for a husband...’ Saw no more but reclosed, three drops of sealing-wax & sent it back to the post office. I begin to care not much about these impertinent insults. Their intended shafts of annoyance fall harmless & I shall never read them. What the eye will see not, the heart will grieve not.29
Yet she did not react quite so calmly to such hostilities as she wanted to believe she did. Towards the end of 1819, these anonymous letters began to arrive more often and Anne braced herself for a physical attack, even an attempted rape on one of her long walks. However, I will never fear. Be firm. Learn to have nerve to protect myself & make the best of all things. He is but a little fellow & I think I could knock him down if he should touch me. I should try. If not, whatever he said
I would make no answer. Never fear. Pray against this & for God’s protection & blessing, & then face the days undaunted.30 Anne believed God was on her side, as she was His creature too.
In early January 1820, a man asked Anne on the way into town if I wanted a sweetheart. […] I heard him say, ‘I should like to kiss you.’ A week later, a man, youngish & well enough dressed, suddenly attempted to put his hands up my things behind. In the scuffle, I let the umbrella fall but instantly picked it up & was aiming a blow when the fellow ran off as fast as he could & very fast it was. I did not feel in the least frightened, but indignant & enraged. When she got home she told them during tea. My uncle & aunt think it is the man who writes these letters. Uncle James also received post from ‘William Townsend’, complaining that Anne never responded to his letters. James would have liked to stop it into his mouth and stood firm by his niece, never suggesting she change her behaviour or her clothing. Anne and her aunt grew even closer. Stood talking to my aunt by the kitchen fire, after my uncle went to bed, ¾ hour, about the people calling after me, being like a man & about people’s being insulted.31 Except for sex, she could talk about anything with Aunt Anne, about her nature, her identity and all her oddities.
To escape the hate, Anne left Halifax for a while on 1 February 1820, joining Mariana on a visit to her family in York. Nantz was there too, as was Louisa, and the two of them left Anne and Mariana little space or time for one another. Nantz was a little jealous. Says she knows me well enough. I never talk to her when I can get anything prettier or better.32
Anne was very interested in the court case against Henry Hunt, the main speaker at the assembly that had ended with the Peterloo Massacre. Although she was convinced of the absurdity and impracticability of ‘liberty and equality’ in this world,33 she was nonetheless impressed by the great ingenuity and eloquence34 with which Hunt defended himself for four hours and thirty-five minutes. The court sentenced him to thirty months’ imprisonment; the yeomanry men were acquitted, their superiors never prosecuted.
Meanwhile, York was at the high point of the season. One social gathering, one musical soirée, one party came hot on the heels of the last. In Halifax, Anne kept herself to herself; one can hardly carry oneself too high or keep people at too great a distance.35 In York, however, she accepted every invitation and was a welcome, witty guest and a good conversationalist. In the midst of this social hubbub came the long overdue trial of strength between the former friends Isabella and Mariana, both of whom hoped to be Anne’s wife one day. Tib would really willingly marry me in disguise at the altar.36 When Isabella had to look on as ‘her husband’ retired to the bedroom with Mariana on the first night at the Belcombes’ house, Anne ended up in a little tiff with Tib. The next morning, Isabella saw no reason to get up, whereupon Anne informed her that taking snuff & lying in bed did not suit me & she knew it. Answer; I never found fault with M–, & proceeded to it. It was a pity I let her marry. Mariana saw her chance to clear things up at last, and advised Anne to tell Tib every now & then she did not suit me & not to let her dwell so on the idea of our living together. Attacked on two flanks, Anne sighed to Louisa, I should not like to be long in the same house with M– and Tib.37 She affected not to understand why both women wanted her to themselves. Neither Mariana nor Isabella ever did, or ever could, interfere with each other. Both kept their own places.38
On 30 March, Mariana and Anne retired to Shibden Hall for two weeks together. After all the annoyances, the two of them revisited their past again. Mariana wanted to look over some of our old letters. In getting them, happened to stumble on some memoranda I made in 1817 on her conduct, her selfishness in marrying, the waste & distraction of my love, etc. Began reading these & went on thoughtlessly till I heard a book fall from her hands &, turning round, saw her motionless & speechless, in tears. Tried very soothing & affectionate means. She had never before known how I loved her or half what her marriage had cost me. Had she known, she could not have done it & it was evident that repentance now pressed heavily. [...] She grieved over what I had suffered & would never doubt me again.39
As a sign of her trust and goodwill, Anne confessed to Mariana that she had been in love with Elizabeth Browne for a while. M– said, very sweetly and with tears at the bare thought, she could never bear me to do anything wrong with ... anyone in my own rank of life. She could bear it better with an inferior, where the danger of her being supplanted could not be so great. But to get into any scrape would make her pine away. Anne rather liked this jealousy. I never before believed she loved me so dearly & fondly. She has more romance than I could have thought. And so Mariana asked Anne to stop being too attentive towards other women, having too much of the civility of a well-bred gentleman. [...] Sat up lovemaking, she conjuring me to be faithful, to consider myself as married and always to act to other women as if I was M–’s husband. Anne agreed to do so and undertook to now begin to think & act as if she were indeed my wife. When Mariana asked her for a binding promise on her last night, however, I said I would do or promise anything, but that she needed no further promise than my heart, at that moment, gave her. (I made no promises.)40
Mariana sensed that she could not be sure Anne really felt bound to her. When Isabella’s beloved father died in early June, Mariana asked with suspicion: ‘My Fred, will this melancholy event make any difference to you or me? I shall not lose you, my husband, shall I? Oh, no, no. You will not, cannot, forget I am your constant, faithful, your affectionate wife.’41 Being reminded of her commitments had always annoyed Anne. She seems to consider my last letter as containing a promise on my part. Now this I certainly did not mean & she ought not to take it so far. Anne wrote back, disclaiming very gently having given her a promise & bidding her send me back my letters & be careful, for a discover [sic] would be ruin to us both. She herself felt as much at liberty as ever.42
With this in mind, Anne went to stay with Isabella at Langton Hall on 5 October 1820. There, Mary Vallance was already attempting to console Isabella over the loss of her father. Anne had stayed in contact with Miss Vallance by letter since they had first met under that same roof two years previously. At that time, Anne had explained to Mary who the man was in her relationship with Isabella. Now she lost no time in adopting this role towards Mary herself. After six days of glances, jokes and double entendres, Miss Vallance asked Anne to pay a visit to her room late at night. I found her alone, and though Burnett [the servant] came in, she whispered me to stay. Began rubbing her. Then Isabella burst in in her nightclothes, looking for Anne, who was actually sharing her room and bed. Got quit of Tib and Burnett a second time and staid with her till 12.00. Burnett says her complaint is quite on her nerves. I know it is and I am the best doctor. I soon found out what was the matter, kissed and put my tongue in while I had the three fingers of my right hand pushed as far as they would go up there. Distinctly felt the stones of ovaria. She was ready and wide as if there was not virginity to struggle with. I spoke softly and asked if she liked me. She said yes and began to whimper and said it was not worth having and would send me to Isabella. I would not come until Tib was asleep. I don’t think this really annoyed Miss V though she made another faint whimper when she said her love was not worth having. I bade her try me I really think I shall be going to bed with her by & by. She is ready enough but perhaps she likes me a little independent of her nervousness.43
Isabella was not blind. Having once lost Mariana to Anne, now she saw clearly that Anne was taking Mary Vallance away from her. Anne paid no heed to the fact that Isabella was mourning her father. One night in bed, Anne confronted a drunk Isabella. She still swore by all that is sacred she never took more than five glasses a day; one at luncheon, one at supper, one at dinner & two at tea. When Anne insisted Isabella was drinking more, she called God & all the angels of heaven to witness it was a lie & wished herself at the devil if it was not false. Anne told her a great many home truths, but Isabella fell asleep. The next morning, Anne – the daughter of a drinker – started ag
ain. I told Tib she did not know the injury she did herself. She was now twenty years older in constitution than she was ten years ago &, in fact, much more an old woman than she ought to be at her age. I saw that this made an impression. [...] She was afraid I must be tired of her & could never like to be with her. She had rather do anything than cease to be loved & desirable to me.44 It never occurred to Anne that she herself might be driving Isabella to drink.
Anne’s behaviour angered Isabella’s sister Charlotte, who thought she was very unfair on poor Tib, who preferred me to all the rest of her friends.45 Indeed, Charlotte joked & told me, a while before, she supposed the cronyism had now got to such a pitch I could not live without the sight of Miss Vallance. Anne withdrew slightly from Miss Vallance in reaction, shifting her attentions to a new guest, her old flame Nantz Belcombe. Went to Anne’s room after dinner & Charlotte came and we staid an hour. Anne retired at 11 o’clock. Only a few minutes with Miss Vallance and then went to Anne, a little before twelve & staid two hours. At first, rather lover-like, reminding her of former days. I believe I could have her again in spite of all she says, if I chose to take the trouble. She will not, because it would be wrong, but she owns she loves me & perhaps she has feelings as well as I. She let me kiss her breasts but neither she nor her room seemed very sweet to my nose. I could not help contrasting her with Miss Vallance, & felt no real desire to succeed with her. At last, she said, ‘Now you are doing all this & perhaps mean nothing at all.’ Of course I fought off, bidding her only try me, but I felt a little remorse-struck.46
Shortly before Christmas, the next guest arrived, Harriet Milne née Belcombe. Nantz and Mariana’s sister was unhappily married to Lieutenant Colonel Milne and York’s gossip had it she kept several lovers. Much to Mariana’s despair, Anne had flirted with her openly the past March. Now in the evening, Mrs Milne played. Hung over her at the instrument. Afterwards, sat next to her and paid her marked attention. At bedtime, Anne stayed another near ½ hour in Mrs Milne’s room. Next that night, Anne spent near an hour with Anne Belcombe. She told me of my attention to Mrs Milne & that I had taken no notice of her or Miss Vallance & that she was sure Miss Vallance had observed it & felt as she [Nantz] did. Said I could not help it. Mrs Milne was fascinating. While she was at it, Anne knocked on the next door. Then went half an hour to Miss Vallance. Got out of her that she had observed me to Mrs Milne & was a little jealous. Anne [Nantz] then came to my room, having expected me again in hers, & staid almost till I got into bed. Her love for me gets quite as evident as I could wish.47 Despite all this closed-door diplomacy, Anne seems not to have had a kiss that evening, although or perhaps because she was negotiating with three women in parallel. The only one she did not have anything to do with that night was Isabella.
Gentleman Jack Page 8