The Book of the Courtier

by Baldassare Castiglione

  Roberto was continuing to argue, but the Duchess ruled that he was in the wrong and gave her approval to what the Magnifico had said; and then she added:

  ‘We have no reason to complain of the Magnifico, since it is quite clear that the lady he has fashioned for us can bear comparison with the courtier and even has the advantage of him. For he has taught her how to love, and this is something these gentlemen have failed to do for their courtier.’

  At this, the Unico Aretino remarked: ‘It is certainly right to teach ladies how to love, because I’ve rarely encountered one who does know how to do so. And their beauty is nearly always accompanied by cruelty and ingratitude towards those who serve them most faithfully and whose nobility, gentleness and virtue deserve to be rewarded. Very often, too, they abandon themselves to the most stupid and worthless rascals, who despise rather than love them. So to help them avoid these gross errors perhaps it would have been as well to teach them first how to choose a man worthy of their love and only then how to love him. But this isn’t necessary in the case of men, who know the answer only too well for themselves. I can vouch for this myself, for I was never taught to love but by the divine beauty and inspired manners of a lady whom I had no choice but to adore, and I had no need at all of any instruction or teacher. I believe this holds good for all those who are truly in love; and so it would be more suitable to teach the courtier how to make himself loved than how to love.’

  ‘Well, do tell us about this,’ said signora Emilia.

  ‘It seems to me,’ continued the Unico, ‘to be only reasonable that men should win favour from their ladies by serving them and pleasing them; but what they consider serving and pleasing to consist in must, I think, be taught by the ladies themselves, since they often want such strange things that no man can think what they are, and indeed they often don’t know themselves. So it would be very fitting, madam, if since you are a woman and ought to know what pleases women, you undertake the task yourself and put everyone in your debt.’

  ‘But you enjoy such universal favour with women,’ replied signora Emilia, ‘that you must surely know all the ways in which their favour can be won. So it’s fitting that you should teach them to others.’

  ‘Madam,’ replied the Unico, ‘I could give a lover no more useful advice than that he should ensure that you have no influence on the lady whose favour he seeks; for such good qualities as everyone once thought were mine, together with the sincerest love that ever existed, have not had as much power to make me loved as you have had to make me hated.’

  ‘Signor Unico,’ replied Emilia, ‘God keep me from thinking, much less doing, anything to make you hated. For not only would this be wrong, but I would be thought very silly if I attempted the impossible in that way. But since you urge me to say something about what is pleasing to women I shall do so; and if what I say displeases you, then you have only yourself to blame. I consider, then, that if a man is to be loved he must himself love and be lovable; and these two things are enough for him to win the favour of women. And to answer your accusation, I declare that everyone knows and sees that you are most lovable; but I am very doubtful as to whether you love as sincerely as you claim, and perhaps the others are too. For by being too lovable you have made yourself loved by many women. But when great rivers divide into several channels they dwindle to small streams; and in the same way when love is given to more than one object it loses much of its force. However, your own constant lamenting and accusations of ingratitude against the women you have served, which do not ring true, considering your great merits, are really designed as a kind of concealment to hide the favours, the joys and the pleasures you have known in love, and to reassure those women who love you and have abandoned themselves to you that you won’t give them away. So they too are content that you should openly make a pretence of loving other women in order to conceal your genuine love for them. And so if the women you pretend to love now are not as credulous as you would wish, this is because your technique is beginning to be understood, and not because I cause you to be hated.’

  Then the Unico remarked: ‘I’ve no wish to go on disproving what you say, since as far as I can see I am as fated to be disbelieved when I speak the truth as you are to be believed when you tell lies.’

  ‘But admit,’ replied signora Emilia, ‘that you do not love in the way you say. For if you did, you would desire only to please your lover and to wish only what she wishes, since this is the law of love. But the way you complain of her so much suggests deceit, as I said before, or indeed proves that your wishes are not the same as hers.’

  ‘On the contrary,’ said the Unico, ‘I certainly wish whatever she wishes, and this proves that I love her; but I complain because she doesn’t wish what I wish, and this, according to the rule you quoted, suggests that she doesn’t love me.’

  Then signora Emilia replied: ‘But a man who begins to love must also begin to please the woman he loves and to be ruled by her in accommodating his every wish to hers. And he must ensure that his desires are all subordinate to hers and that his soul is the slave of hers, or indeed, if possible, that it is transformed into hers; and he should see this as being the greatest happiness he could want. For this is the way of those who are truly in love.’

  ‘The greatest happiness for me,’ said the Unico, ‘would be precisely if a single will governed both her soul and mine.’

  ‘Then you must bring this about,’ replied signora Emilia.

  At this point, Bernardo interrupted to say:

  ‘Certainly a man who is truly in love without any prompting by others devotes all his thoughts to serving and pleasing the woman he loves. But sometimes his devotion goes unrecognized, and so I think that as well as loving and serving he must demonstrate his love so clearly in some other way that the woman he loves cannot conceal that she knows she is loved; though he should do this so modestly as to avoid any suggestion of disrespect. And so, madam, since you were saying that a lover’s soul should be the slave of the woman he loves, I implore you to teach us this secret too, as it seems to me extremely important.’

  At this, Cesare smiled and remarked: ‘If the lover is so modest that he is ashamed to declare his love, let him write it in a letter.’

  ‘On the contrary,’ said signora Emilia, ‘if he is discreet as he ought to be, before he makes any declaration he should make sure that he won’t offend her.’

  Then signor Gaspare said: ‘Well, all women like to be begged for their love, even though they mean to refuse what is asked of them.’

  At this, the Magnifico Giuliano remarked: ‘You are very much mistaken, and I would advise the courtier never to adopt this strategy, unless he is certain that he won’t be repulsed.’

  ‘Then what course should he follow?’ asked signor Gaspare.

  ‘Well, if he wants to speak or write,’ continued the Magnifico, ‘he should do so with such modesty and care that to start with his words seem wholly tentative and even ambiguous and affect her in such a way that she may legitimately pretend, if she wishes to avoid embarrassment, not to understand what is meant. Thus if he finds difficulties in the way, he can withdraw easily and pretend to have spoken or written with some other purpose in view, in order to enjoy safely those endearments and kindnesses that women often grant to those who seem to accept them as a mark of friendship but retract as soon as they perceive that they are interpreted as a demonstration of love. Hence those men who are too hasty and make their advances too presumptuously, with a kind of stubborn impetuosity, often lose these favours, and with good reason. For a true lady always considers she is being insulted when someone shows a lack of respect by seeking to gain her love before he has served her.

  ‘Therefore in my view when the courtier wishes to declare his love he should do so by his actions rather than by speech, for a man’s feelings are sometimes more clearly revealed by a sigh, a gesture of respect or a certain shyness than by volumes of words. And next he should use his eyes to carry faithfully the message written in h
is heart, because they often communicate hidden feelings more effectively than anything else, including the tongue and the written word. In doing this, they not only reveal the lover’s thoughts but often arouse affection in the heart of the one he loves. For the vital spirits that dart from his eyes originate near the heart, and thus when they penetrate the eyes of the woman he loves like an arrow speeding to its target they go straight to her heart, as if to their true abode; and there they mingle with those other vital spirits and with the very subtle kind of blood which these contain, and in this way they infect the blood near to the heart to which they have come, warming it and making it like themselves and ready to receive the impression of the image they carry with them. In this way, journeying back and forth from the eyes to the heart, and bringing back the tinder and steel of beauty and grace, with the breath of desire these messengers kindle the fire which never dies, since it is fed on constant hope. So one can truly say that eyes are the guides of love, especially if they are graceful and soft, and blue in colour or a limpid and shining black, full of gaiety and laughter and in their gaze gracious and penetrating, like some so profound that one seems to see down to the heart itself. Thus we find that a woman’s eyes wait like soldiers in ambush while her body, if it is beautiful and well proportioned, attracts and draws close to itself anyone who sees it from afar; and then as soon as he is near by the eyes dart forth and bewitch him like sorcerers, especially when they send their rays into the eyes of the beloved person just as his are doing the same; for then the vital spirits25 meet each other and in that sweet encounter each takes on the qualities of the other, as we find in the case of a diseased eye which, by staring hard at a healthy eye, gives it the disease from which it is suffering. So it seems to me that this is the way in which our courtier can, in great part, make his love known. It is true that unless they are carefully governed, the eyes frequently reveal amorous desires to someone whom one would wish to keep in ignorance, because they make deep passion almost visible and thus betray it to others than the one whom it concerns. So a man who has not lost the bridle of reason will govern himself cautiously, paying attention to time and place, and, when necessary, he will abstain from gazing too intently, however hungrily he desires to do so: for there is no joy in love that is known to all.’

  Then Count Lodovico replied: ‘But sometimes it does no harm for it to be public knowledge, for in this case people often conclude that it does not seek the object every lover desires, seeing that little care is taken to hide it and there is no concern whether it is known or not. So, by not denying it, a man gains a certain freedom that enables him to speak openly with the one he loves and enjoy her company without arousing suspicion. This is not the case with those who try to keep their love secret, since it seems that they hope for and are about to attain some great reward that they do not want others to discover. And I have also seen a woman fall passionately in love with someone for whom to begin with she felt not the slightest affection, and this only from hearing that many persons believed the two were in love with each other; and this, I think, was because she took what everyone thought as sufficient proof that the man concerned was worthy of her love, and it almost seemed that what was common opinion served to bring from her lover messages that were truer and more credible than his own letters or words, or any go-between, could have communicated. Thus if something is generally known and talked about, far from doing harm this may prove advantageous.’

  To this, the Magnifico answered: ‘Love affairs that are fostered by common talk carry the risk that the man concerned will be pointed out in public; and therefore he who wants to travel this road with caution must pretend to be far less inflamed than he is and must content himself with what he considers too little and dissemble his desires, jealousies, sufferings and joys, often wearing a smile when his heart is breaking, and pretending to be prodigal with what he longs to hoard. But these things are so difficult as to be well nigh impossible. So if he wants to take my advice, I would urge our courtier to keep his love secret.’

  ‘In that case,’ said Bernardo, ‘this is something to teach the courtier. Certainly, I think it is of no little importance. For, as well as the signs that men sometimes make so secretly and surreptitiously that the one whom they wish to do so reads in their face and eyes what is written in their hearts, I have sometimes heard between two lovers a long and open conversation of love, which those present failed to understand at all clearly or to realize was at all amorous. And this was because of the discretion and wariness of the lovers, for without showing any displeasure at being overheard they whispered the only words that mattered and spoke aloud those that could be interpreted in various other ways.’

  ‘It would be an endless task,’ said Federico, ‘to discuss in detail such provisions for secrecy. Therefore I would prefer it if we were to talk for a moment about what the lover should do in order to retain his lady’s favour, which seems to me something far more necessary.’

  The Magnifico replied: ‘Well, I consider that a lover can retain his lady’s favour by the same means that he employs to win it; and what is essential is to please the woman he loves and avoid offending her. So it would be difficult to lay down any hard-and-fast rule; for there are endless ways in which a man who lacks a fine sense of discretion can make mistakes which seem trivial but which nevertheless give grave offence. This happens most of all to those who are driven by passion; as in the case of some who, whenever they have occasion to speak to the woman they love, lament and complain so bitterly and often seek such impossible things that their importunity makes them tiresome. Others, when they are excited by jealousy, are so carried away by grief that they heedlessly rush into making accusations against the man they suspect (sometimes when he is quite blameless) and even against the woman herself; and they insist that she should not speak to him or even look in his direction; and often this behaviour not only offends the woman they love but causes her to love their rival. And this is because when a lover shows he is afraid that his lady may leave him for someone else, his fear also betrays the fact that he knows he is inferior in merit and worth; and this attitude causes her to love the other man, and all the more when she sees evil accusations being made against him, even if they are true, simply to put him out of favour.’

  At this, Cesare said with a smile: ‘I confess that I haven’t the sense to be able to refrain from speaking ill of any rival of mine, unless you can teach me a better way of causing his downfall.’

  The Magnifico laughed and replied: ‘The proverb says that when your enemy is in the water up to his waist, you should extend him your hand and pull him out of danger; but when he is up to his chin, then put your foot on his head and drown him quickly. And there are some who act this way towards their rivals: when they see no certain way of bringing about their downfall, they go about dissimulating and even pretend to be their friends rather than otherwise; then if the occasion is such that they know they are in a position to bring about their sure and sudden downfall, by speaking ill of them whether it is true or not, they embrace it eagerly and employ all the tricks and treachery they know. But since I should never like our courtier to practise deceit, I would have him deprive his rival of his lady’s favour by no other method than loving her and serving her, and being virtuous, discreet and modest; in short, by being worthier of her than his rival and by being sufficiently wary, cautious and prudent to save himself from certain clumsy follies into which so many ignorant men fall in their various ways. For I have known some use nothing but Poliphilian26 words when writing or speaking to women and employ such ingenious rhetoric that the women lose all their self-confidence and imagine they must be extremely ignorant, and it seems an eternity till they can end the conversation and get rid of the man concerned. Others indulge in fantastic boasting. Others often say things that redound to their own harm and discredit, like some, who always make me laugh, who profess to be in love and will say in the presence of women: “I’ve never yet found a woman who loves me….” And they fail
to realize that the women listening immediately conclude that the only reason for this must be that they deserve neither love nor even the air they breathe, and they dismiss them as of no account and not to be loved for all the gold in the world. For after all, they think, if they were to love such men they would be inferior to all other women, who haven’t loved them. Other men, in order to stir up hatred against a rival, are so foolish that in the presence of women they will say: “So and so is the luckiest man in the world, for though, to be sure, he isn’t handsome or sensible or brave, and he can’t say or do more than other men, yet all the women love and run after him.” But in revealing their envy of the man’s good fortune, although he isn’t lovable on account of his looks or his deeds, they encourage the belief that there must be some secret reason for his success with so many women; and as a result, the women who hear him spoken of in this way are encouraged to love him still more.’