The Fisherman Series : Special Edition

by Jewel E. Ann

  I shook my head. “It wasn’t all him. Despite what everyone seems to think, I do have the ability to make grown-up decisions. Maybe I’m the one who pursued him.”

  Rose lifted two sharp-peaked eyebrows. “Did you?”

  With frustration filling my head and rekindling my anger, I shook my head. “I … I don’t know. It just … happened.”

  “I know it’s not the same, but I’m here if you want to talk more.”

  “It’s … fine. I’m good.” I was the opposite of good. Still, I couldn’t believe how quickly things flipped. One minute he was tearing at my clothes and biting my nipples, and the next … we were in his parents’ basement as he revealed to me why we were perfect for each other.

  One minute my mom was braiding my hair—the next she was being hauled off in handcuffs.

  One minute my dad was eating pasta with me at our favorite restaurant—the next he was dead.

  I really didn’t trust life.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  “Do you have everything packed?” Rory seemed concerned about my big two-night trip to Texas. “If they ask how things are going here, what are you going to say?”

  I rolled my carry-on suitcase out of the bedroom. “Are you chewing your nails?”

  Rory jerked her hand away from her mouth. “No.”

  “Why do you seem so panicked?”

  She sighed, blowing her hair out of her face. “It’s just that I know they think I’m a complete failure, and I don’t want them thinking I’m a bad influence because I’ve tried to do things right. Ya know? I mean, I let you have a little sangria, but I’ve tried to make sure you have everything you need. And Fisher has been so great at helping watch out for you too. I just want them to know that.”

  “Why?” I narrowed my eyes. It made no sense. They couldn’t take me away from her.

  Pressing her fingers over her closed eyes, she grumbled. “Ugh … it’s just that they used to like me. I went out of my way to impress them. And I don’t care what they think of me, but I know they have influence over you, probably way more than I do. And I don’t want them to persuade you to move back to Texas because…” she pushed out her lower lip “…I’m selfish. I want you with me for as long as you’re willing to stay. It’s not that I think I can make up for the years I was gone, but I want the chance to be your mom again. Really be your mom.”

  I held out my arms and hugged her. “I’m going to tell them that it’s been great. You bake and cook. You’re appropriately overprotective. You don’t go to church with me, but they don’t need to know that.”

  “I love you, Reese. I love you more than anything or anyone in this world. I always have and I always will.”

  I released her and grabbed my bag in one hand and my suitcase in my other hand. “I love you too.” It was the first time I had said that to her in over five years. It felt right. It felt true.

  “Oh … let me run up and get Fisher. He’ll carry your suitcase to the car so you don’t have to lug it up by yourself.”

  “I’ve got it.”

  “He’ll get it. I don’t want you tripping or anything.” She ran up the stairs.

  “I’ve got it. Really.” I started to open the door to carry it up to my car.

  “Fisher can you give Reese a hand with her suitcase?”

  Gah! Why?

  I barely got it out the door before Rory returned with Fisher.

  Fisher in his exercise shorts and no shirt. Tennis shoes untied like he’d just slipped them on his bare feet. If he wasn’t going to marry me and put ten babies in my womb, then the shirtless thing was nothing more than a big F-you to me.

  “I said I can do it. She’s coddling me. Again.” I rolled my eyes to lighten the mood and give my eyes something to do besides gawk at his unnaturally flawless body.

  “Well, I’m here now. I’ll carry it.” He took the suitcase from me and headed up the side of the house.

  “Bye, sweetie. Text me as soon as you land.” Rory gave me one last hug.

  “I will. See you Sunday.” I closed the door and jogged to catch up to Fisher. “Sorry. Really, I had it.”

  Fisher loaded it into the back of my Forester. “It’s no big deal.” He closed the back.

  “Well, thanks.”

  “Enjoy your trip.”

  I nodded, feeling the heat of his body. I always felt him without ever touching him. My body seemed to naturally gravitate toward him like it knew where it belonged before my brain figured it out.

  We couldn’t work together. We couldn’t ride in the same vehicle. We could barely be in the same room without a clawing need ripping me apart from the inside. That must have been what withdrawal felt like.

  “Reese?”

  I turned after opening my door.

  “I’m sorry.”

  It was a terrible apology. I didn’t want his words. Fisher showed me. That was what he did. He showed me when he was sorry. It meant more. No … it meant everything. But that … that sad uttering of apology from his lips felt empty, like he was drained but he’d managed to gather a few drops of apology as if it would quench my thirst. My unquenchable thirst for him.

  “I should have known better. It was selfish of me.” He added yet another layer of pain to my already throbbing wounds.

  Regret.

  It was always the regret that hurt the most.

  “Well, I’m not sorry. Not for any of it. You know it’s…” I shook my head “…ironic. Adults, real adults, like to lecture young adults like me. They like to paint this picture of hopes and dreams, endless possibilities, and constantly remind us that we can do anything, be anything. But that’s a lie. Because all I wanted was to live a day at a time and figure things out one moment at a time. That’s all I wanted to do. And all I wanted to be was yours.” After a quick shrug, I rolled my eyes toward the sky to ward off the tears. “I don’t want your apologies or your help because they don’t get me you.”

  He said nothing. Not a word. Not a single muscle in his body moved. Defeat personified.

  “I’m going to fall in love. And some guy will be lucky to have me. He’ll love me for me. And he won’t care where I’ve been or where I’m going. He’ll just feel so fucking lucky to be the one who kisses me goodnight and wakes up in the morning with me in his arms. He won’t be burdened by my virginity or aggravated that I don’t wear socks with my sneakers. He will be a better man for having found me, and I will be a better woman for having found him. I know they say love is patient, but it’s not. Love is the brightest star in the sky. It doesn’t have an off switch or a timer. It doesn’t wear a watch or look at a calendar. It’s why we’re here. It’s the only true reason for our existence.”

  Fisher was good at taking punches. He didn’t duck or even wince. He swallowed every word and let it settle somewhere deep inside of his mind, his heart, maybe his soul. And if he felt unsteady or even a pang of discomfort, I never knew.

  “I have to go.”

  He smiled ever so slightly. “Have a safe trip.”

  I returned a single nod and climbed into my car. Then, I made it a full three blocks before I cried all the tears.

  It was him. He was the someday guy.

  The kiss goodnight. It was him.

  Waking in the morning in his arms.

  It felt like I would forever carry a Fisher-shaped mold around with me, trying to shove other men into a place they would never fit.

  The wrong key.

  The wrong piece to a puzzle.

  I was destined to settle and that sucked.

  Chapter Thirty

  The worst part about late flights? When they were canceled for mechanical issues, it meant a night in the airport or, in my case, a trip home only to wake up five hours later and drive back to the airport for an early flight.

  I didn’t even bother pulling my suitcase out of the back of my Forester. Not for five hours. Rose’s car was parked in the driveway, and as I made my way around the side of the house, the glow of the globe lights il
luminated the walkway for me. They were probably having a party since I was supposed to be out of town for the weekend. I prepared myself for some new girl Rose found to fix up with Fisher.

  It didn’t matter. I knew I would give them a quick flight update and go straight to bed.

  No obsessing over the real adults having fun without me.

  No stressing over a new girl (a new woman) for Fisher.

  To my surprise and relief, there wasn’t a party on the screened-in porch, just a couple of empty plates and wine glasses. I toed off my shoes just inside of the door and set my bag on my bed. I knew Rory wasn’t asleep because she wouldn’t have left the lights on.

  I knocked several quick times on her bedroom door before opening it. “My flight got canceled so—”

  She wasn’t in her bedroom, but the lights were on.

  They were upstairs with Fisher. I wasn’t sure I wanted or needed to go upstairs. I’d had enough Fisher time for the night. As I started to shut her bedroom door, I heard a noise. It was coming from her bathroom, so I made my way through her bedroom to her bathroom. The door was cracked open, so I eased it open, hearing the water running in the shower.

  It took me too long to make sense of what I was seeing in that moment—too much time letting the vision make a permeant stain on my memory. I knew I would never be able to forget. It would play in my mind on an endless loop for … maybe the rest of my life.

  It just didn’t make sense.

  Rory was in the shower, her back against the far wall, her eyes closed, mouth open. One hand pressed to the wall to steady herself. Her other hand was tangled in Rose’s hair. Rose was on her knees with one of Rory’s legs hooked over her shoulder. Rose was … well, she was fingering my mom while simultaneously giving her oral sex.

  I blinked again and again. I couldn’t stop blinking. I couldn’t move. Despite the crushing feeling of complete devastation, my world turning upside down …

  I. Couldn’t. Turn. Away.

  Had it been literally anyone else, I would have turned and ran, feeling horrified for the predictable reason like, it’s embarrassing to accidentally walk in on two people having sex.

  Then it happened. Those eyes … the ones that shot me a final glance before leaving the courtroom … they opened and landed on me.

  Contrite and apologetic.

  Like cells dividing at a rapid pace, forming something from nothing, ten thousand pieces of a puzzle putting themselves together … I saw it.

  All of it.

  It wasn’t a coincidence that Rose was in Colorado. They’d been friends for years.

  Friends.

  That was why my dad was so quick to divorce Rory after she went to prison. So many things I never fully understood. They all started to come together.

  “Reese!” Rory called just as I tore my gaze away from the nightmare in the shower and ran out of the house. As soon as I reached the driveway, Fisher pulled in on his motorcycle.

  “Did you know?” I yelled.

  He drove past me, parking his motorcycle in the garage.

  I charged after him. “Did you know?” My hands balled at my sides.

  Fisher pulled off his helmet. “What are you doing here?” He climbed off his bike and carried his helmet to the cabinet.

  “Did. You. KNOW?”

  “Jesus, Reese.” He turned, unzipping his jacket. “What the hell is going on?”

  “Did you know that my mom is a lesbian? Gay. Homosexual. Are you understanding me now?” I shook my head over and over again, running my hands through my hair.

  It wasn’t real. It wasn’t true.

  I didn’t deserve that, not after everything I’d been through. What was God doing? He wasn’t supposed to give me more than I could handle. That was way more than I could handle.

  Fisher slowed his movements, easing his arms out of his jacket and returning it to the cabinet next to his helmet. Fisher wasn’t tense like me. He wasn’t stunned, frozen in place.

  No bugged-out eyes.

  No jaw dropping to the ground.

  Not a single sign that I was presenting him with new information.

  “Did I know your mom and Rose are together? Yes.”

  My anger kept my tears at bay, but just barely.

  “How could you?”

  “How could I what?” He rested his hands on his hips, staring me down like I had done something wrong.

  “Not tell me!”

  “Rory’s personal life is not mine to share.”

  “Rory’s personal life? Are you kidding me? She’s my mom!”

  “Your point?”

  “I walked in on them. In the shower. My mom and her girlfriend. The friend who just happened to be in Colorado after having been a ‘client’ of hers in Nebraska. She cheated on my dad. That’s why he divorced her.”

  “Is that why you’re losing your mind? Because you think your mom cheated on your dad? Or are you upset because Rory is a ‘lesbian, homosexual, gay?’ Because I’m not sure why you’re freaking the fuck out about this.”

  “You should have told me.”

  “And what would you have done? How would you have reacted? Like this? I hate to be the one to state the obvious, but your dad died, and that’s terrible. Your mom went to prison … also terrible. But that’s in the past. If you want to be a grown ass adult, then start acting like one.”

  “I’m so tired of the age card.” I shoved his chest. “Just because you don’t understand my feelings doesn’t make it my fault—a product of my age. Nobody likes being lied to.”

  “Nobody lied.”

  “Omission of the truth is deceptive … a lie.”

  “So have we been lying to Rory about us?”

  “There is no us.”

  Fisher nodded slowly. His control angered me even more. I needed to be angry. I needed to yell at someone.

  “We might choose who we’re with, but we don’t choose who we love.”

  “Are you making excuses for her?”

  He shook his head, scratching the nape of his neck. “What if I’m making excuses for us? Would that be okay with you? Would it be okay because we’re not gay?”

  My jaw clenched as I swallowed hard. “That’s not it.”

  “You continue to tell yourself that.”

  I kept shaking my head. It wasn’t about Rory’s sexuality. It wasn’t. Was it?

  “Then why are you one blink away from falling apart? Because you’re ashamed of her sins?” He held up air quotes. “Or because you need it to be wrong? If you let it be okay, you’ll have to question everything that those people put into your head. You’ll have to look within to find your truth. And then what will you be? Lost? Isn’t that the point? Bring the lost to God and they will be found?”

  “She cheated on my dad.” I blinked, falling apart like he knew I would do.

  “She fell in love.”

  I shook my head. “She was supposed to love him.”

  “Well, life never goes like it’s supposed to. So what are you going to do about it?”

  “Reese,” Rory said my name.

  I kept my back to her, my head bowed so I didn’t have to look at her or Fisher. “I’m moving back to Texas. There is nothing for me here.”

  “Reese, let me explain.”

  “Explain?” I scoffed, walking toward the corner of the garage where I didn’t have to face anyone. I wasn’t sure I could ever look at her again. “No explanation needed. Everything I just saw, and will never be able to erase from my mind, was self-explanatory. The reason Dad divorced you. The reason he didn’t want me to see you. It’s so very clear now.”

  “You only know half of it. His half, not mine.”

  Resting my hands on my hips, I stared up at the ceiling, the shelving above the garage door. “I don’t want your half. I don’t want anything from you ever again. The lesson was mine to learn, and I learned it. Dad was right. You’re incredibly selfish, and you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”

  “Reese.”

>   I heard the emotion in her shaky voice, but I wasn’t going to look at her no matter how emotional she got, no matter how hurt she felt.

  “Don’t talk to your mom like that.”

  That demanded my attention. Fisher’s way-out-of-line comment.

  I whipped around to face him. “You … you out of all people don’t get to tell me how to talk to her. If she knew the things you’ve said to me …” I shook my head, eyes narrowed, daring him to say one more word. “If she only knew …”

  Fisher didn’t back down. It wasn’t his personality.

  “What is she talking about?” Rory asked while Fisher and I stared down.

  I was on the verge of blowing up everyone’s world, including my own. Rory would be mad at Fisher and Rose. Rose would be mad at me. Fisher would be angry with … well, I wasn’t sure. But since I was livid with all of them. I didn’t care.

  “I’m out. You two figure your shit out. I’m done.” Fisher escaped into the house. Still … I couldn’t look at Rory because all I’d see was the face she made when Rose was doing those things to her in the shower.

  “How long have you known that you’re gay?”

  “I think my whole life.”

  I grunted, shaking my head. “Yet you married Dad and had me. Why?”

  “Because it’s a sin. Against God’s will. That’s what I thought at the time. That’s what you’re thinking. That’s what you’ve been brainwashed into thinking.”

  “Let me rephrase.” I forced myself to look at her with her wet hair, baggy sweats, and fitted tee. “When did you stop caring? Stop caring that it’s a sin? Stopped caring about Dad? Stopped caring about our family?”

  “Those are unfair questions.”

  “Oh?” I canted my head. “What are fair questions?”

  “Ask me when I decided to honor who I am? Ask me when I decided I could love myself and love you?”

  After a few silent seconds, I rubbed my lips together and shrugged a shoulder. “Well? What are your answers to those questions?”

  She hugged her arms to herself and stared at her bare feet. “I met Rose when you were ten. She literally walked in off the street to see if I had time to trim her bangs. I was booked solid that day. I didn’t have time to pee. But I couldn’t say no because I knew … with one look I knew … she was the piece of me that I’d hidden and suppressed my whole life.