Having You Is Never Enough

by E. L. Todd

  Man, she creamed me.

  I pulled the car into the enclosure then removed my helmet before I got out.

  “Good thing you didn’t bet money.” She pulled her helmet off and flipped her hair.

  The attendant immediately noticed her, his eyes lingering on the curves of her body.

  “Thanks for being so humble about your win,” I said bitterly.

  “Awe, you’re a poor sport.”

  “I let you win,” I argued.

  She laughed. “Sure.”

  We left the park then got back to my car. “Where did you learn to race like that?” I asked.

  “My brother and I used to do stuff like that all the time.” She looked out the window while we headed home.

  “You have a brother?” I thought Cayson said she was alone.

  “Well, I did. We lost contact a long time ago.” There was no sadness or bitterness in her voice.

  How was that even possible? “What do you mean?”

  “Well, my parents were shitty and abusive. Hamilton is older than me so he took off when he was young. I never saw or heard from him again. A year later, I ran away too.”

  “So, you never knew what happened to him?”

  “No.”

  My sister and I butted heads a lot but if she ran away I’d spend my life trying to find her. We argued and said mean things to each other, but I loved her and I knew she loved me. I couldn’t imagine if I lost her from my life—forever. “I’m sorry…”

  “It’s okay. I’m sure he’s in a good place.”

  “Cayson said you were an only child…”

  “I tell people that when I don’t want to get into the specifics. Cayson is the type of person that aches when someone else is in pain. I wanted to spare him from the truth.”

  Well, it hurt me too… “Have you ever tried to find him?”

  “No. If he wanted to see me he would have reached out to me. He clearly doesn’t care.”

  “But if you did all those things together you were obviously close.” Right?

  She shrugged. “Things change. Hardships and pain change people.”

  “If my sister ran away I wouldn’t stop searching her until I found her.”

  She gave me a soft look. “Well, maybe he tried and he was unsuccessful. I guess I’ll know.”

  “Well, if you—”

  “Roland, I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” There was no anger in her voice.

  I shut my mouth and turned on the radio.

  She stared out the window, watching the city pass by.

  “I had a good time with you today.”

  Jasmine turned back to me. “I did too.”

  “If you ever want to hang out, just give me a call.”

  “Well, since you’re Skye’s brother I think that would be a conflict of interest…”

  “I’m not betraying her by hanging out with you. I’m not trying to get you back together with Cayson. If she had a problem with it I’d tell her to go to hell.”

  “I’d still rather not make problems for Cayson. When I ran into him at that bar I could tell Skye wasn’t happy.”

  “Cayson put her in her place. She was being immature and she knew it.”

  Her eyes widened. “He was upset with Skye over that?”

  “Yeah. He said Skye was rubbing her victory in your face—and he didn’t like that.”

  “I don’t think she was doing that,” she whispered. “I think she just wanted to mark her territory. Honestly, I would have done the same thing.”

  We arrived at her apartment and walked to her front door. She pulled her keys out of her purse then stood still.

  “Well, thanks for taking me out. I haven’t had fun on a date since Cayson.”

  “Cayson isn’t fun. He’s boring as hell.”

  She smiled. “He’s a great guy. But so are you.”

  “I hope I made amends for what I did. You’re a really cool person and I enjoy spending time with you.”

  “You did, Roland. I appreciate all the effort you put in.”

  Now what? Do I hug her? I was fearful of touching her because I didn’t want to give her the wrong impression. And I also didn’t want to piss off Cayson.

  She leaned forward then wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me.

  I reciprocated the touch and felt her face against my chest.

  When she pulled away, she placed a kiss on my cheek. “Whoever does become your wife is a lucky lady.”

  I smiled, feeling the warmth flood through my stomach. “Thanks. But make sure you tell her that because I’m sure she’s going to get tired putting up with me.”

  She walked inside. “I don’t think so.”

  Then she shut the door.

  ***

  “How was Greece?” I stared at my mom across the table. The coffee house was practically empty. Students were hovered over their books in corners, and every once in a while the blender would go off, making someone’s drink.

  She sighed in happiness. “A dream.”

  “What did you guys do there?” I realized the error of my mistake immediately. “I mean, did you see the Parthenon?”

  She understood my meaning even though she had the grace to ignore it. “We did. It was beautiful. Then we went wine tasting and sightseeing. We hit the beach and felt the white sand in our fingertips. It was truly amazing, somehow more amazing than our first honeymoon.”

  “That’s cool. Glad to hear it.”

  “And there was no one there because it was during the off season.”

  “Even better,” I said.

  “The flight was brutal.”

  “What did you do on the flight?”

  A smirk stretched her lips while she pondered my question. “Slept, mostly.”

  “Cool.” I sipped my coffee then stared outside. Spring was warming the land, taking away the ice and the cold. I preferred summer and spring. I had no idea why some people loved the winter. It was too damn cold to do anything but ski.

  “I’m glad you and Cayson made up.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “Took him long enough to get over it.”

  She laughed. “Sometimes it takes longer for others to forgive.”

  “Like years,” I mumbled.

  She laughed again. “Cayson is a wonderful human being. He’s just more sensitive than others, but that’s not a bad thing.” She stared at me for a long time, her coffee untouched. She seemed to be reliving a memory I couldn’t see. “Have you seen Jasmine since…the last time you saw her?”

  “Actually, yes. I took her on a date last weekend.”

  Her eyes widened. “Am I missing something…?”

  “It wasn’t a real date. I just wanted to take her out to make up for the way I treated her before. We went out to dinner then rode go-carts. It was pretty fun.”

  “Cayson was okay with this?”

  “Yeah, I asked him before.”

  Tension left her shoulders. “That was very sweet of you, Ro.”

  “I didn’t mind. It made me feel better. And I think it made her feel better too even if she’ll never admit it.”

  “I’m sure it did.”

  “And she’s really cool. She actually beat me on the track.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. “Can you believe that?”

  “Yeah, I beat you too.”

  Why did she have to remind me? “It’s still very odd.”

  “Looks like this girl knows how to take the road.”

  “She does.” I relived our conversation. “But she’s still hung up on Cayson…”

  “It’s understandable. Cayson is remarkable.”

  “But…I don’t get it. If he doesn’t love her why won’t she just move on, you know?”

  My mom glanced out the window for a moment before she turned back to me. “It’s not that easy, Ro. When I left your father for six months I never got over him, even though I had every motivation to.”

  “But Dad is different.”

  “I don’t see how
,” she said simply.

  “But Cayson is in love with Skye. And Jasmine knows that.”

  “It doesn’t change how her heart feels.”

  I shrugged. “I just feel like she’s wasting her time mourning a guy who never loved her. She would save time just by moving on.”

  My mom pressed her lips together and said nothing more on the topic. I guess both of us talking about Jasmine was a conflict of interest. Neither one of us probably shouldn’t like Jasmine because of Skye, but that wasn’t in our nature.

  “How’s school going?” she asked.

  “Fine. Boring. Whatever.”

  Her mouth stretched into a grin. “Interesting way to describe it.”

  “I guess I’ve never been super invested in school. But you’ve always known that.”

  “I’ve never understood why.” My mom was always so calm all the time. A lot of my comments would upset any parent but she always listened to the full story before she gave a reaction. Sometimes I thought she should be a psychologist instead of an editor. My dad was like a volcano, going off at any time, but my mom was like a cold mountain, always staying exactly the same all year round.

  “Skye is super interested in the discipline but I guess I’m not.”

  My mom rested one arm on the table. “What are you interested in, Ro?”

  I’d never told her. I wasn’t sure if I should. “Books.”

  “Books?” she asked. “Reading them? Writing them?”

  “Both.” I gripped my cup but didn’t drink the glass to my lips.

  Her eyes widened slightly as emotion passed through but then it disappeared. Serenity and calm emitted from her. “Have you written anything?”

  “A few short stories…a book here and there.”

  She cocked an eyebrow. “I had no idea…”

  “It’s stupid…I guess I was embarrassed.”

  “Why would you be embarrassed about that?” she asked quietly. “I think that’s wonderful.”

  “You do?”

  She nodded. “What do you write about?”

  “Well, I wrote a fantasy novel about dragons and dwarves…I wrote a horror story…all sorts of stuff.”

  My mom rested her chin on her hand. “Can I read them?”

  I knew she would ask this. “Uh…I don’t know.”

  She didn’t pressure me, only stared.

  “I’ve never showed anyone before…I doubt they’re even good.”

  “How will you know unless you ask?”

  “Well, obviously you’re going to like them because you’re my mom. So, you aren’t the best person to ask.”

  “I can ask your aunt Janice.”

  “No,” I said immediately. “Don’t show her. She would rip it apart.”

  “Then let me read it. I’ll give you honest feedback. Remember, I do this for a living.”

  “I don’t know…if you hate it I might stop altogether.”

  She rested her hand on top of mine. “I understand your fear. It takes a lot of courage to put your thoughts and ideas onto paper to be judged anonymously by other people. Believe me, I get it. But I will be honest with you but not demoralize you. And I have a strong feeling your stories won’t be bad.”

  “Too you, maybe…”

  “So, you’ll let me read them.” Her hand still rested on mine.

  “I guess.”

  She smiled triumphantly, excitement in her eyes. “Thank you, Ro. I’m really looking forward to it.”

  “Don’t tell Dad,” I said immediately.

  “Why?” she asked. “Your father loves to read too.”

  “I just…I don’t want his disapproval.”

  She cocked an eyebrow. “Why would he disapprove? Your father thinks everything you do is amazing, Roland. I’m not sure why you think otherwise.”

  “I guess after the married woman escapade I don’t want to feel like shit again.”

  “Roland, even if your stories were terrible he would be proud of you. It’s not the same thing at all. But if you want me to keep your secret, I will. Always.”

  “Just keep it to your self for now.” I looked at my watch. “It’s getting late, Mom. Maybe you should stay with me so you don’t have to drive.”

  “Your father is waiting for me at a hotel in Boston,” she explained.

  “Oh.” I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

  “He’s working from his computer today and tomorrow.”

  Now I felt bad I didn’t invite him.

  My mom read my mind. “He understands that both you and Skye need time with each of us exclusively. He’s not offended. And he’s having breakfast with Skye tomorrow.”

  “Oh, okay. It’s not that I don’t want to see him…” Actually, I was sad I missed him, especially if he was in Boston. He was a good drinking buddy. And I wanted to tell him I made things right with Jasmine. Nothing was worse than his disappointment, but nothing was better than his praise.

  After we finished at the coffee house, we headed back to my apartment. I cleaned up just before my mom got there and hid my condoms and trash so she wouldn’t see that I was a disgusting pig.

  I pulled out my laptop and a spare thumb drive. “Is this okay?”

  “I should be able to open it on my computer.”

  I transferred the files then handed it to her reluctantly. “Don’t make fun of me.”

  She gave me a soft smile. “When have I ever done that?”

  “You and Dad always bring up the married chick.”

  She chuckled. “That’s not the same thing and you know it.”

  “Keep in mind I’ve only been writing for a few years so I don’t have a lot of experience…”

  “I know.” She tried not to smile.

  “And they are random stories that just came to my mind…they’re not that impressive.”

  She kissed my cheek. “I’m sure they’re fine, dear.”

  I couldn’t believe I was really letting another soul read them.

  “I really appreciate your confidence and trust, Ro. I know you’re nervous.”

  “Well, I don’t think I could ever show anyone besides you.”

  “And now I’m even more flattered.”

  We sat on the couch together and watched TV for an hour. When it was ten, her phone rang. She sighed then ignored the call. “I should get on the road.”

  “I have a feeling Dad doesn’t appreciate being ignored.”

  “He’ll get over it,” she said with a smile.

  After I walked her to her car, I said goodnight. When she drove away, I felt the anxiety pool in my stomach. It was one thing to be told you were horrible at something you loved, but to be told by your own mother was frightening. I just hoped my stories weren’t as horrendous as I feared.

  Chapter Four

  Cayson

  I knocked on Slade’s door three times but he didn’t answer. The letter from Stanford was in my hand, and I touched it so many times it was crinkled and torn at the edges. I knocked again.

  Where the hell was he?

  I pulled out my phone and called him.

  “Yo.” Slade’s voice sounded fatigue, like he was lying down ready to go to bed.

  “Open your door.”

  “My door?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m standing out. I need to talk to you.”

  His voice suddenly changed. “And you just show up on my doorstep?”

  “You’re the one that breaks into my apartment whenever you feel like it.”

  He ignored the jab. “I’m not home right now…”

  It was nine o’ clock on a Wednesday. “Then where the hell are you?”

  He suddenly got defensive. “Are you a detective now?”

  “Where are you?” I asked. “I’ll come to you.”

  “Uh, I’m in the car and on the way back.”

  I noticed his tense voice. “From where?”

  “I’ll just be there in a second.” He tried to hang up but I distinctly heard him mutter, “damn it” in the backg
round.

  I stood on his doorstep while I waited for him to return. Five minutes later, he pulled into his parking space then headed up the staircase.

  “What’s the emergency?” he snapped. “I can braid your hair some other time.”

  I held up the letter with the Yale symbol on the outside.

  He squinted his eyes as he stared at it in the dark. Then he grabbed it and pulled it closer to his face. “You got in?” His eyes moved back to mine, wide.

  I nodded, unsure if I was happy or disappointed.

  Slade opened the letter and read through the words. “Full scholarship…classes start in July…annual stipend…” He put the letter down and gave me a shocked expression. “You did it, man.”

  I put my hands in my pockets.

  “Your dream came true.”

  It felt like a hollow victory.

  “Congrats, man.” He hugged me quickly and patted me on the back before he pulled away. “Why aren’t you more happy about this? How many people get a full ride to the one of the most prestigious colleges in this country?”

  “Less than once percent.” I blurted out the statistic like a pamphlet.

  He handed the letter back to me then crossed his arms over his chest. “You should still be proud of yourself. You worked for that. Don’t brush it aside like it’s an old Playboy.”

  I cocked an eyebrow. “Like an old Playboy? What kind of comparison is that?”

  “I’m just saying, old or new, Playboys are holy relics and should be appreciated, just like getting accepted into a great college.”

  I decided to drop this conversation because I knew it would just keep going. And Slade’s thought process wasn’t always clear. “Anyway…”

  He gave me a thoughtful look. “You aren’t going to go, are you?”

  I shook my head.

  “You already said this before so why are you so upset?”

  I pressed my lips together tightly, trying to understand my own chaotic emotions. “I guess...in a way…I wish I could go.”

  “But you can, man.”

  “No,” I said immediately. “I wouldn’t trade what I have with Skye for anything. That’s not an option. But I guess I wished I’d gotten rejected so I wouldn’t even have to worry about it. Stanford would have made the decision for me.”

  “Why don’t you do a long-distance relationship? Lots of couples do that.”