Having You Is Never Enough

by E. L. Todd

  “Thanks…”

  She giggled then rubbed my chest. “Do you want me to remind you how straight you are?” A flirtatious look was in her eye.

  Trinity gave the best head in the world, and I knew that’s what she was hinting at now. I’d never turn it down, no matter how upset I was. “It wouldn’t hurt…” My lips upturned in a smirk even though I tried to fight it.

  “Coming right up.” She slid down my waist and to her knees.

  Once her lips were sealed around me and my hand was fisted in her hair, I forgot about the horrible day I had. She gave me the pleasure I needed, helping me release the stress in my favorite way.

  ***

  The week was agonizing. Every time I saw anybody, they gave me a knowing look. Conrad was particularly nice to me, clapping my shoulder and complimenting me left and right. He clearly thought I was still in the closet just like Cayson.

  Silke was worse. She came to my apartment then wrapped her arms around me. We hadn’t hugged in years so it was awkward.

  “I’m so proud of you,” she whispered. She pulled away, a smile on her face. “I know how hard it is to come out and tell the world. You’re so brave.”

  You’ve got to be kidding me. “Silke, I’m not gay.”

  She gave me a sympathetic smile. “It’s not a big deal. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

  I’ve wanted to hit my sister countless times growing up, but I seriously considered doing it now. “Silke, I’m not gay. And you better not say anything to Mom and Dad.”

  “I would never tell them,” she argued. “Tell them when you’re ready. You’ve obviously still struggling with it.”

  Why is this happening to me?

  Roland hunted me down on campus and handed me a book. “I know you don’t want to talk about it but I think this will help.” It was a book about confessing your homosexuality. Coming Out in a Judgmental World.

  Just shoot me.

  “Read it. I know it helped a friend of mine.” Roland patted my shoulder and gave me a quick smile. Then he walked away.

  I found the nearest garbage can and tossed it.

  Trinity thought the entire thing was hilarious. “If you keep rejecting their assumption long enough, they’ll believe you.”

  “It doesn’t seem like it,” I said sarcastically.

  She rubbed my shoulder. “It’ll end eventually.”

  When will that be?

  Cayson was the worst. He kept going out of his way to see me. He never broached the subject but he stuck to me like glue, talking about sports and TV shows. It was like he was trying to prove that nothing between us had changed, that we were still best friends. He was overcompensating and it was driving me crazy.

  When I went to the library one afternoon, a guy I didn’t recognize was sitting at the table. He stared at me with guarded eyes and didn’t look away. I was starting to get uncomfortable.

  Cayson and Skye sat across from me, studying my face.

  Trinity sat beside me, flipping through a magazine.

  Okay…what was going on?

  Cayson cleared his throat. “This is my friend Bryan. He offered to meet you and talk to you about his experience coming out to his parents and friends. I think it will help.”

  Trinity covered her mouth and tried not to laugh. A slight giggle escaped her lips but only I heard it.

  How did my life become this?

  “I’m only going to say this one more time; I’m not gay!” My voice was loud but the surrounding tables were empty.

  Cayson turned to Bryan. “He’s still a little defensive about the subject…”

  “I’m not gay!” I was about to flip the table over I was so upset.

  Bryan nodded while he watched my reaction. “I went through the same thing. I assure you, it’s totally normal. The first year is always hard.”

  “I can’t take this anymore.” I stood up and marched out of the library, my arms swinging by my sides like a gorilla. I wanted to punch my fist through a wall. My hands were shaking, my eyes were about to pop out of my head.

  ***

  Trinity realized the whole situation really got under my skin, so she stopped teasing me and didn’t mention it when we were together. The only time I felt safe was when I was locked away in her house, watching TV with her while she sat on my lap or when we cuddled in bed together.

  When I came over, I used my key to get inside and headed straight to her bedroom. She was sitting at her desk, cutting out something in a magazine.

  “Hey, baby.” I leaned down and kissed her before I dropped the bag on her bed.

  “Hey.” She put her stuff down then came to my side. “What are you up to?”

  I opened one of her drawers and started pulling her clothes out and setting them on the bed. “Putting my stuff away.”

  “Um…those are my clothes. What the hell are you doing?”

  “I’m tired of going back and forth all the time. If you aren’t going to offer me a drawer then I’m just going to take one.”

  “I didn’t think you would want one…” She crossed her arms over her chest while she watched me pack my stuff inside.

  “Well, I do.” I closed the drawer when I was finished then put my supplies in the bathroom. I cleaned out a drawer then put my toothbrush, razor, and hair supplies in the drawer before I shut it.

  When I came back into her bedroom, I examined her desk. “What were you doing?”

  She smiled then held up her sketchbook. “I drew a new gown.” Then she picked up the picture she cut out. “I really like the color and the style but it’s just too much. So it inspired me to make something different.”

  I examined the drawing. “It’s nice.”

  “Thanks. I’ve been getting my stuff together so I can show Cavos.”

  “Is that name supposed to mean something to me?” I asked.

  “He’s a famous designer. My dad set up a meeting with him so I could pick his brain.”

  I recalled her mentioning that. “That’s awesome. But I’m sure he’ll be learning form you—not the other way around.”

  She gave me a sweet smile. “So…how was your day?” She was always hesitant to ask this, knowing I was going through a hard time. Everyone treated me differently. They all claimed they saw me the same, but they were so nice to me that it was driving me crazy. I preferred to be teased and picked on any day. At least that was normal. “It was alright…”

  She rubbed my shoulders. “What happened now?”

  “Cayson was asking about my boyfriend and said we should go on a double date.”

  “Oh no, “she said with a sigh. “Don’t worry, they’ll let it go eventually.”

  “I can’t count the number of times I wanted to blurt I’m seeing you. It would make my life easier but also harder at the same time.”

  “Yeah.” She cupped my face and gave me a gentle and passionate kiss. “I made dinner—your favorite.”

  That put me in a better mood. “Spaghetti with meatballs?”

  She nodded.

  “Thanks, I appreciate it.”

  Her eyes glowed with emotion while she looked at me. Then she leaned in and kissed me again. “You’re so different than you used to be.”

  I noticed it too. Now she and I spent every second together, practically living together. I couldn’t sleep unless I shared my bed with her. When I wasn’t with her, I missed her. Like a spouse, I helped her with the chores and the laundry. We had dinner together every night, and in the evenings we read under the light of the lamp while we lay in bed. Everything was different. But it wasn’t a bad thing. I was happy, for the first time in my life. “You made me different.” I pulled her close to me then kissed her forehead before I headed to the kitchen.

  We sat across from each other while we ate silently. One of the things I cherished most about our relationship was the companionable silence. We could touch each other with just our eyes, and full conversation passed in silence. We didn’t need to fill the void with empty words. Ju
st sitting together, being together, was enough for both of us. Dinner was passed in silence. I looked at her across the table and she looked back at me.

  But still nothing was said.

  Chapter Six

  Cayson

  “Slade still isn’t budging,” I said with a sigh. “I thought he would open up but he just closes off even more.” I lay in bed while Skye rested her head on my chest. With every breath I took my chest expanded, moving her head along with it.

  “I’ve noticed.” Her fingers moved over the abs of my stomach and her leg was wrapped around mine.

  “I don’t know what to do. Everyone made it clear they don’t care but he’s still lying.”

  “Maybe there’s nothing we can do. We’ll just have to wait.”

  I pondered another way to make Slade open up to me. He was my best friend and the fact he was determined to shut me out hurt. I’d proven that nothing had changed between us. I still talked to him in the exact same way. I was still by his side until the end of time. The fact he didn’t trust me as much as I trusted him was painful.

  Skye, like always, could read my mind. “I’m sure it’s not personal, Cayson.”

  But it felt that way. “What if we ran into him and his boyfriend and acted like everything was normal, made him comfortable? Then he would know he could really show his true colors around us.”

  “I think you’re missing the biggest flaw in that plan. We don’t know who his boyfriend is.”

  Damn, she was right. “But we could figure it out…”

  “How?”

  “We could follow him and see where he goes. Then when they go out to dinner or the movies we could show up.”

  Skye stopped moving her hand. “I don’t know how comfortable I feel spying on him like that…”

  “It’s not spying,” I argued. “I feel like I’m losing my best friend. I need him to know that he has nothing to be ashamed of. It’s killing me.”

  “This must be hard on you…”

  “More than you can understand.” I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to forget the way Slade stabbed me through the heart. Where did it go wrong? Did I make a homosexual joke in the past that made him think I was against gay people? Did I give him a reason not to trust me? He shut me like a door had been slammed in my face. “I’m going to follow him this weekend. When I meet his boyfriend, I’ll treat him like any other person and Slade will realize he doesn’t need to hide anymore. He can be himself.”

  She sighed. “I guess…but I’m not sure how it will work. Slade might just be mad that you followed him.”

  “I’ll make it seem like I didn’t follow him. You’re with me on this, right?”

  She was quiet for a while. “I would normally say no but I know how important this is to you…of course I’ll help.”

  “Thanks, baby.” Now that I had a plan in mind I relaxed. I snuggled closer to her under the sheets and felt her warm body next to mine. When I thought about turning down Stanford I felt like my dream was dying. But when I held Skye like this, close to my chest and directly next to my heart, I realized I made the right decision. Life would have no meaning if she weren’t the woman I was sharing my life with.

  ***

  We parked down the street from his apartment, his car in my view. We left the lights off and I turned the car on every now and then so the heater would run. Skye sipped coffee in the passenger seat, my jacket wrapped around her.

  “I feel like we’re on a cop show.” She sipped her coffee again.

  “I wouldn’t mind having cop lights so I could speed through traffic.”

  “My dad needs that,” she said. “He drives like a maniac in that expensive car he has.”

  “What’s the point of having the fastest car in the world if you don’t drive fast?”

  “Because you have a drawer full of speeding tickets,” she said.

  “Like Sean cares,” I said. “He makes more money an hour than people do a year.”

  “My mom isn’t too happy with his recklessness.”

  “I wouldn’t be either.”

  She grabbed my hand and held it on her thighs. “When the hell is he going to leave? We’ve been sitting here for hours.”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But it’s a Friday so he’s bound to go somewhere.”

  “Baby, I’m hungry.”

  “We just ate,” I argued.

  “Your point?” she asked with a laugh.

  “Seriously, where do you put it, Skye?”

  She shrugged. “I’m sure the running helps. Otherwise, I’d be a blimp.”

  “Be a blimp?” I asked. “Or you are a blimp?”

  She swatted my arm. “Hey!”

  I laughed. “Baby, you know I’m kidding. I love your body, every curve and every inch.”

  “You like the curve of my flab?” she challenged.

  “You don’t have any flab,” I argued.

  “I have a huge roll of fat over my stomach,” she said seriously. “Don’t act like you don’t notice it.”

  Honestly, I didn’t. Her body was a perfect ten to me. “All I notice is the most gorgeous woman in the world.”

  “You’re perfect and sculpted with eight percent body fat,” she said while she rolled her eyes. “I’m nothing like that.”

  I cringed. “And I wouldn’t want you to be like that. That would be gross.”

  “Really?” she asked apprehensively.

  “Really,” I said firmly. “I love your body. You’re perfect. I would never want you to lose weight.”

  She seemed surprised. “You don’t think I’m…thick?”

  I laughed. “If thick is a bad thing, then no. I like the curve of your hips, the size of your chest, and the feel of your legs.” I gave her a hard look. “I’m not feeling you lines, Skye. I already have you so I don’t need to do anything. And you wouldn’t be the love of my life if I wasn’t more attracted to you than any other woman in the world.”

  That seemed to convince her because she looked away and dropped the conversation.

  Skye was never self-conscious about her appearance. It was a side to her she never showed before. But it was comical because it was so ludicrous. If she saw herself the way I saw her she would never question her measurements.

  I looked back to the parking lot and saw Slade unlocked his car door. “He’s leaving.” I started the engine but kept the lights off.

  Skye sat up, ready for action. “I’m so nervous.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know…are those people on cop shows nervous?” she asked.

  I tried not to laugh at her cuteness. “Sure.”

  Slade pulled onto the street and headed north.

  I hit the gas and started to follow him.

  “Don’t get too close. He might recognize your car.”

  “It’s dark,” I said. “I doubt he’ll notice. And my headlights will make it impossible for him to see our faces in his rearview mirror.”

  “Still be careful,” she hissed.

  I stayed far behind and cruised while I kept him in my sight. He headed passed the university then toward a neighborhood of houses.

  “Where is he going?” she asked.

  “Maybe his boyfriend has a house?” I asked reluctantly.

  “I guess…”

  We stayed on his tail then drove onto Trinity’s street.

  “If he lived here wouldn’t Trinity have noticed Slade’s car?” Skye asked quietly.

  “Unless it’s about fashion or boys, Trinity is oblivious.” I turned the corner then saw Slade’s car in her driveway.

  “Turn left!” Skye grabbed the wheel and pulled it the opposite way.

  “Are you crazy?” I got hold of the wheel and made sure we didn’t crash. “Don’t do that again.”

  “Well, if you turned right Slade would have spotted you immediately.”

  “It’s still better than dying!”

  She looked over her shoulder. “He’s walking into the house. I don’t th
ink he saw us.”

  I made a U-turn then parked against the curb. “What’s he doing here?”

  Skye wiped away the coffee she spilt after she commandeered the car. “Maybe he left something and came to pick it up.”

  “Left what? When was the last time we went to Trinity’s?”

  She shrugged. “A month ago…”

  Something wasn’t adding up. “But he hates Trinity. Why would he come here?” And she was parked in her driveway. That was even weirder.

  Skye leaned her head against the window and sighed. “I don’t know. But I doubt he’ll be in there long.”

  I turned off the car then leaned my seat back, trying to get comfortable. We sat in the darkness and watched cars pull into the neighborhood as the darkness deepened. Hours passed but he never left.

  “What are they doing?” I asked.

  Skye shrugged. “I have no idea. Trinity never talks about him. I assumed she hated him as much as he hated her.”

  “Maybe he’s talking to her about his situation…” I rubbed the back of my neck, getting sore from sitting in the car.

  “I know Trinity doesn’t care about him being gay…but she doesn’t strike me as someone to discuss it with.”

  We fell silent while we continued to wait for him to leave.

  “You want to play cards?” she asked.

  “Sure.” There were few people I could sit alone in a car with and not get bored. Having a best friend as a lover really had its perks. There’s no one I’d rather do a stakeout with.

  She dealt the cards and played a few rounds.

  “Okay, I’m getting sick of you winning all the time,” she said irritably.

  “Then play better.”

  She narrowed her eyes at me. “I miss the days when you let me win.”

  “Those days are over. Sorry.”

  She laughed. “You’re supposed to be sweet to me because I’m your girlfriend.”

  “I am sweet to you,” I reminded her.

  “Then you would let me win.”

  “Do you really want me to?” I knew the answer to that. She always liked a challenge. She’d always been that way.

  “No.” She bit her lip while she examined her hand carefully.

  I smirked, loving the fact I knew her so well.

  When it was one in the morning, we were both tired.