Bright Shards

by Meg Pechenick

  Kylie reached for another piece of toast. “I don’t know that much. Your commander, whatever his name is—”

  “Hathan,” I said.

  “Right. He oversimplified a little. All we’ve been told is that there’s been one confirmed report of consensual sexual intercourse between humans and Vardeshi. Vardeshi male, human female. Apparently the mechanics worked just fine, although I don’t know how much either of them enjoyed it. The report was quite vague on the details. And it seems to have been a one-off, since there haven’t been any updates since the message went out a couple of weeks ago. In any case, we’ve been given the green light to proceed with extreme caution. Naturally there are about a thousand regulations in place. Both parties have to sign a waiver documenting their consent and the activities planned, right down to the positions. You should look at the form—it’s good for a laugh. A physician has to sign off, and obviously you’re expected to use protection.”

  “Why?” I said. “It’s not like anyone’s getting pregnant.”

  “No, but with only one case on the books, all bodily fluids are potential biohazards.” Both of us grimaced at the word. She went on, “And if you do take the plunge, so to speak, you’re supposed to check every inch of your skin for signs of a negative reaction afterward. If you ask me, it’s all pretty much guaranteed to squelch any romance that might be in the air. Or the vacuum.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t see how it would even happen. All the Vardeshi I know are engaged. Or married. Playing the field doesn’t really seem to be their style.”

  “Well,” Kylie said, “it’s happened once. So we know it’s possible. The bigger question, to my mind, is whether it was any good.”

  “You’ll have to let me know when you find out,” I said.

  “What makes you think it’s going to be me?”

  “What, you think it’ll be me? My ship has ten people on it! And only five of them are guys. And, like I said, they’re all taken.” I held up my right hand with its imagined gold sigil turned toward her.

  “All’s fair,” she murmured.

  I ignored that. “It would be like hooking up in a minivan. Whereas Arkhati is basically a giant airport. Odds are that in the next six months you’ll meet someone passing through who wants to satisfy his, you know, curiosity. It’s a numbers game. I bet you could pick up someone in the Atrium tonight if you really wanted to.”

  “What about you? You’ll be here a week. And you’re the Vaku.”

  “I’m not a Vaku.” I could feel myself blushing.

  “You are,” Kylie insisted. “You’re a total fangirl. You’re a little bit in love with all of them. The women too. You just are. You can’t hide it, not from me. Honestly, given the chance, I’m not even sure I’d want to fuck one of them. I think they’re a bit creepy sometimes. Those long fingers. And they’re so controlled. Sometimes it’s like talking to a bunch of really polite robots. I like my men a little rougher around the edges. But you don’t see any of that. Tell me I’m wrong.”

  “You’re not wrong,” I admitted. In truth, she was more right than she knew, and I was lucky she hadn’t looked any further than Saresh for the object of my hypothetical infatuation. With any luck, Hathan would escape her notice entirely.

  We cleaned up our breakfast dishes, and I took another shower, an indulgence so hedonistic after months of water rationing that I felt a pang of guilt. I reminded myself that, as Councilor Zirian had explained during our tour, there were elaborate systems devoted to reclaiming and processing the starhaven’s wastewater.

  Shortly before one o’clock, Officer Nerev rang the chime and entered to escort us to my hearing in the administrative wing. It was amazing, I thought, how even on an ancient space station built by the hands of another race, bureaucratic hallways were instantly recognizable. There was a uniformity and drabness about the long, silent corridors with their identical gray doors. Save for the eldritch green lights and the nameplates etched in Vardeshi script, I could have been going to renew my driver’s license.

  The young man who conducted my hearing had Sohra’s coloring, and, with his uncharacteristically round face, he looked so human that I wondered if he’d been chosen for that very reason. He wore the now-familiar Echelon uniform. When we entered his featureless little office, he was talking to Daskar, who had arrived before us. I caught a few words of their conversation before he interrupted himself and rose to greet us. They seemed to be talking about someone’s language proficiency—mine, I guessed. The Echelon representative offered the standard Vardeshi greeting, first to me, then to Kylie.

  “Novi Alkhat,” he said in Vardeshi, “I’m Deputy Zekhan. My understanding is that you’re capable of conducting this interview in Vardeshi, but for the sake of your companion, we’ll continue in English, unless you have any objections.”

  “None,” I said.

  He switched languages at once. “Good. Please have a seat.”

  I sat down next to Daskar, thanked her for coming, and introduced her to Kylie, who claimed the stool on my other side. Deputy Zekhan seated himself and accessed a menu on his flexscreen. “I’m going to record our conversation. That way, we shouldn’t need to call you in for additional sessions. Could you describe for me your interactions with Reyjai Vekesh, beginning with the day you arrived on the Pinion?”

  “All of them?” I said.

  “Please. Be as thorough as you can.”

  I talked for over an hour. It was easier than I’d expected to speak dispassionately about the events of the last three months. Talking to the deputy, whose affect remained neutral throughout my retelling, wasn’t like talking to Kylie. It helped, too, that the past couple of weeks had been so dramatic. A few days removed from the action, it all started to feel a bit farfetched. I felt like I was explaining the plot of a Vardrama to someone who’d missed a few episodes. When I was done, the deputy asked several questions that were clearly directed at establishing who among the crew had attempted to help me and who had remained indifferent to my struggles. Daskar and Saresh, I knew, were already on record as my partisans, having appealed directly to the Echelon on my behalf. I spoke warmly in defense of Zey and Sohra. It was with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I described my disastrous attempt to seek help from Hathan. I knew total honesty was required; my account would inevitably be cross-checked with those of my crewmates, and they would be telling the truth. I remembered what Hathan had said to me when I showed him the draft of my report on the shooting. We can speak for ourselves. I hoped they could.

  The hearing ran a little under two hours from start to finish. When it was over, the deputy thanked me politely for my compliance and said I was free to go. “Your security attendant will show you to your next appointment on helix twelve. Enjoy your time on Arkhati.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “Do you know how long we’ll have to wait for a decision about my mission? Whether it will go forward with the original crew?”

  He exchanged a look with Daskar. “Progress has been slow. I wouldn’t expect a ruling for several days at least.”

  Officer Nerev was waiting for us out in the hallway with a male guard I hadn’t seen before. As they led us away from the office I said, “What was that about? That look he gave you?”

  Daskar said somberly, “It’s more or less what we expected. The Echelon isn’t disposed to let anyone on the Pinion off lightly. At the moment, rumor has it they’re leaning toward dispersing the crew to other assignments.”

  “But I asked for everyone to be kept together.”

  “I know,” she said.

  “I thought . . . The Echelon told me I had a say in what happened next. They said it was up to me.”

  “They said the destination was up to you. Did they say anything in their message about the crew?”

  With a sinking heart I said, “I don’t remember. I thought it was the same thing.”

  “Regardless of the exact wording, I don’t think you’re wrong about the intent of the message. Your voice ca
rries weight with the Echelon. But it’s only one of many voices they’re hearing right now. Some of the other ones are very powerful. You may need to fight to make yourself heard.”

  “How do I do that?”

  “For now, there isn’t much you can do except wait for the results from the crew hearings. But if I were you . . .” She paused. “I’d want to know who my allies were.”

  We had arrived at a corridor junction. With that cryptic proclamation, Daskar left us, bound for another questioning session. Kylie and I followed our pair of security officers into an area marked “Medical.” I commented as we walked, “You’re awfully quiet. I don’t think you said a word the whole time we were in the hearing.”

  Kylie said slowly, “I didn’t know about any of that.”

  “You knew about the Listening, didn’t you? And the attack?”

  “Of course, but I didn’t know you’d been put on trial. Or stripped of your rank. Or kept in bloody isolation for two weeks. I didn’t know you weren’t allowed to speak English, for God’s sake. And I thought there’d been some kind of accident with your tech.”

  “Oh,” I said. “Yeah. Not an accident. Pretty deliberate, actually.” In an early attempt to distance me from my crewmates, Khavi Vekesh had forbidden me to communicate with them in English. Upon discovering that I was secretly watching recordings of old Vardramas with Zey, who as a Blank was captivated by Earth entertainment, he had confiscated my technology. Several days later, after I was imprisoned as a suspected spy, Hathan had ordered it disassembled, thoroughly checked for spyware, and the pieces ejected through an airlock.

  “I’ve spent these three months, I don’t know . . .” Kylie gestured vaguely with her hands.

  “Drinking senek?” I suggested. “Engaging in profound philosophical debates about culture? Hosting Earth poetry readings in the ship’s lounge?”

  “Well . . . more or less.”

  “I know,” I said. “That’s what I thought I’d be doing too. Plus, you know, mopping floors and cleaning toilets. Things have gone a little differently than I expected.”

  She frowned. “Avery . . .”

  Officer Nerev said, “Forgive the interruption, but we’ve arrived. The doctor’s office is through that door.”

  “Could you tell her we need another minute? Would that be all right?” I asked.

  She nodded and went in. Our second attendant moved down the hall to stand a discreet distance away. Not too far, I noticed; he could probably hear every word we said from there.

  Kylie began again. “Avery, are you really sure you want to stay with your crew? Are you sure that's the right thing to do?”

  “You sound like the Echelon,” I said half-jokingly. “I thought you were on my side.”

  “Have you considered that the Echelon might be right? You’ve been through hell. Why spend another minute with the people who put you there? If I were you, I’d want to get far away from them. From all Vardeshi, maybe, but certainly the ones on the Pinion. They had their chance, and they blew it. And you almost died. I know I’ve been teasing you about being a Vaku, but are you at all worried that you might not be thinking clearly right now?”

  “What are you saying, that you think I have Stockholm syndrome?” I’d tried to say the words lightly. They didn’t sound light. This was a challenge from an unexpected corner. And rehashing my struggles in exquisite detail for the last two hours had apparently affected me a little more than I’d realized, because I found myself suddenly on the verge of tears. In the strained silence that followed my words, Officer Nerev emerged through the door and nodded to me.

  Kylie said quietly, “If you did, you’d be the last one to know it.”

  I folded my arms. “So you’re a psychiatrist now, is that it? You’re taking over from Dr. Okoye? One day with me and you’re an expert on my problems. That’s got to be some kind of record.”

  She raised a placating hand. “I didn’t mean—”

  “You know what? You’re right. You figured me out. I am in love with them. All of them. Every single one. Especially Khavi Vekesh. So what if he trashed my laptop, or locked me in a room, or shot me? He’s not a bad guy. He’s just fucking misunderstood!” My voice rose perilously high and cracked on the last word. I wasn’t sure when I’d started shouting. I hadn’t even known I was doing it until I heard the startling quiet that rushed in to follow my words.

  “I think maybe we should talk about this later,” Kylie said.

  “Think whatever you want.” I slammed my hand onto the control panel, and the door leapt open as if startled by the violence. I went in. Kylie followed a few seconds later. The tension between us was palpable, but the doctor, whose name I missed in the struggle to compose myself, gave no sign that she was aware of it. She performed a thorough but tactful examination. Ordinarily I would have undressed in front of Kylie without a trace of self-consciousness. Now I avoided her eyes. I could feel them lingering on my ribs, which were noticeably more prominent than they had been when I’d launched, and on the dark ribbon of scar tissue that banded my right arm. My body offered its own mute testimony to the trials I had endured.

  The doctor’s last act was to perform a series of scratch tests with fine-gauge needles on my left arm. “This looks promising,” she said. “You aren’t showing evidence of any immediate allergic response to the most common Vardeshi foods. I’d like to see you again in twenty-four hours for a recheck, but barring a change between now and then, you should be cleared to start sampling our food and drink tomorrow night. I’ll have the most current list of approved foods sent to your flexscreen.”

  “Thanks,” I said stiffly.

  As we left the office, Kylie started to say something. I cut her off. “I think I need some space. I’m going for a walk in the Arboretum. I’ll see you back at the room in a bit, okay?”

  She said, “Okay,” although she didn’t look pleased.

  Kylie followed Officer Nerev back the way we’d come, and I went with the male security officer down the hall to one of the silent elevator rooms. Sunk in my thoughts, I scarcely registered the journey to the Arboretum.

  As we stepped through the doorway, however, I relaxed at once. There was something about the Arboretum, with its cool fragrant air and rustle of leaves overhead, that spoke directly to my animal self, urging calm. There were a few other people strolling the paths, but I avoided their eyes, and they left me alone. My security escort followed at a discreet distance, permitting me the illusion of solitude. Without meaning to, I found myself retracing our steps of the night before to the little clearing with the memory pool. I sat down on one of the hexagonal stones and rested my elbows on my knees, staring down at the surface of the water. In the daytime it glittered with simulated sunlight. I had to look harder for the elusive glints of blue.

  Kylie’s words had shaken me. More than that, they had stirred up a cloud of disquieting echoes from half-forgotten college anthropology classes. Stockholm syndrome. Inferiority complex. Gone native. Was she right? Had my infatuation with the Vardeshi caused me to lose all perspective? There was nothing I wanted less at this moment than to turn around and go back to Earth. But was that fact in itself a sign that I’d let things go too far? Had my judgment been compromised?

  And if it had, then whose could I trust? The Vardeshi knew nothing about human psychology. They had only my word that I was competent to continue. Dr. Okoye had given me provisional approval to go on if I felt up to it, but she had only a few minutes of video and a handful of written reports on which to base her diagnosis. The Council wanted me to stay in the field. But Ambassador Seidel had been candid about his willingness to use me as a pawn to advance the alliance. Wherever my mental health ranked among his priorities, it wasn’t at the top. What about Kylie, then? We didn’t know each other well. We’d only been at the Villiger Center together for two weeks, albeit two intense weeks. Still, she was a friend, and more importantly, she was human. Alone of the thousands of other souls on Arkhati, she could size up my ment
al state at a glance. Her instincts were unerring. And they were telling her that I was acting irrationally. I had accused her of armchair psychology, but the simple truth was that, amateur or not, her diagnosis might be the most accurate one available.

  The part of my mind that was cynical—or paranoid—pointed out that even Kylie’s opinion wasn’t entirely innocent of bias. For all that she was a friend, she was a rival as well. She had already beaten me to Arkhati. The first human steps on Vardesh Prime had yet to be taken, the history books yet to be written. If I quit now, Kylie moved up a place on the list. Daskar’s words came back to me. Did I know who my allies were? Did I have any?

  CHAPTER FOUR

  When I got back to Kylie’s suite I found her sitting on the terrace with a bottle of wine and two glasses on the table in front of her. One of the glasses was half full, the other empty. She must have heard me approaching, but she didn’t turn her head. I sat down on the stool next to hers. In silence we watched a landing craft like the one that had shuttled me from Zurich to the Pinion travel in a slow arc across the viewport. When it had disappeared from sight I said, “Sorry I was an asshole before.”

  Kylie said, “It’s nothing.”

  “Don’t tell me, Dr. Okoye told you that might happen too.”

  “She said you might lash out and that, as your friend, I’d be a safe target.”

  I sighed. “What you said last night about the Vardeshi being so controlled all the time . . . I think I’ve been trying to do that. For way too long. I guess I finally cracked.”

  “You’re probably better off for it. We’re not meant to keep everything in. That may be their way, but it’s not ours.” Kylie poured wine into the second glass and slid it toward me. “The way I see it, you’ve done your hearing and your medical exam. There’s nothing left to do now but wait for the Echelon’s decision. I’d say you’re officially on vacation. We have a whole starhaven to explore—what do you want to do first?”