Shouldn't Have You

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  Between normal stress dreams of work and the bar and even my brothers, I’d also had nightmares about Sam and then Moyer. At one point, Sam had been the one behind me, holding me back instead of that stupid piece of gum, and I’d had to watch Moyer die again, only while standing next to Sam.

  I’d woken up trying to scream without being able to let out a single sound. And because of that, I knew I needed to call my therapist and set up an appointment. It had been a year since I’d gone, but maybe it was time to go again.

  It hadn’t helped that Harmony had been in some of the dreams, just standing there, right out of reach so I couldn’t even talk to her or pull her out of the way so she didn’t have to watch what happened to me in the past or Moyer on that street.

  I hadn’t been able to help her.

  I never could.

  But they were only dreams, and I’d be fine. I just needed to work this anger and anxiety out of my system. And to do that, I would work out. Then I’d scream into the void or something if I couldn’t figure out what to do next.

  But first, today I was just going to try and relax, or at least pound out my frustrations. Thankfully, one of my investments just happened to have a way to do that.

  “You know, I’ve never really been good at the whole wall-climbing thing,” Cameron said from my side.

  I looked over at my brother and frowned. “You have more muscles than any of us.” Much to my dismay, but I didn’t mention that. “I figured you liked this. You used to do it all the time.”

  Cameron shook his head, looking up. “No, you liked doing this. And Violet liked doing it too until she hurt her wrist a few years ago.”

  A look of something washed over his face for just a moment before he blinked it away, and I knew that Cameron was feeling guilty. None of us had really been around when Violet hurt her wrist while out on the trails working and collecting samples for her job. It wasn’t a break, but it was just enough strain that she didn’t rock climb like she used to. I hadn’t even known it was an issue until she mentioned it in passing and the girls had just nodded, having known all along.

  We guys hadn’t known a thing because we’d all broken apart before. But we were all a unit once more, so the things that we had missed would come back. At least I hoped.

  “You should have told me when I invited you to come,” I said quickly.

  “You called us, we’re here,” Aiden said, his voice low.

  I looked over at my other brother and frowned.

  I didn’t really know what that meant, but maybe it was because I wasn’t looking far or deep enough. After all, they all knew that Sam was back and that I was trying not to think about it. That’s what we did, we tried not to think.

  It always ended up falling apart in the end, but right now, I just wanted to climb.

  “Well, thanks,” I said, clearing my throat.

  “You ready to do this then?” I asked, looking at my brothers and then up at the rock-climbing wall again. Dillon hadn’t wanted to come, mostly because he’d said that the three of us needed our time together. I figured it was because the kid didn’t know how to climb the wall, but that would change soon. I didn’t mind giving the guy some space. So, Dillon could work with Beckham to open the bar for us so we didn’t all have to be there today. Oh, all of us would go in later, but for now, three of the Connollys would let some tension out.

  Though since Cameron’s shoulders weren’t as tense as they probably should be considering that he wasn’t a huge fan of rock climbing, I figured that he’d gotten his tension out in other ways.

  Aiden and I would just have to climb the damn wall.

  “Okay, let’s go,” I said as we all walked over to the wall and started getting into our harnesses.

  There were spotters for us, and we were all geared up. We weren’t going to be stupid and try to showboat. I might know what I was doing, and would anchor-free climb at some points, but I wasn’t going to risk my life just to act as if I were some fancy shit or something.

  We each started off with our own paths, cursing at each other and laughing as one went up one way, the other his way. I was in the middle, laughing as Aiden and Cameron grunted at each other, each using their handholds and footholds so they didn’t fall.

  I was doing the same, sweat pebbling on my brow as I lifted myself up to the next handhold. I gripped tightly, checking to make sure to hold my weight, and then waited there for a second, trying to catch my breath.

  I was in shape, but it had been long enough since I’d done this that I felt like a wet noodle. We would all likely be sore for the rest of the day—and probably for the rest of the week—but it would be a good sore. ‘Cause I was still so damned angry.

  There was nothing I could do about it, so maybe if I just kept quiet, kept putting my all into the climb, I wouldn’t be so angry anymore.

  But it pissed me off that Sam thought he could just show up out of nowhere, that he could reset my equilibrium.

  I hadn’t seen the man since I’d been pulled from his arms when I was a kid.

  So even though we had all aged, and Sam looked far older than his years and appeared clean now, I recognized him right away.

  Even without the glossy sheen of drugs in his eyes, I recognized him.

  Because they were my eyes, just set in a sunken face of a body that might not have drugs in its system anymore, but that had been weathered by time and bad decisions.

  I frowned and reached up for the next handhold, only to slip on my own sweat. I caught myself and cursed as Aiden looked over at me, his brows raised.

  “You okay, brother?”

  I sighed. “I’m fine. Just missed the handhold. I’ll get it next time. Damn it.”

  Aiden gave me a tight nod, and I looked over my shoulder at Cameron, who was still a couple of feet below me but looking up his own path. I was on the hardest level, but that was because I had the most experience. Cameron was on the easiest, mostly because it had been a while since he’d done this, and now that I knew that Cameron wasn’t a big fan, I wondered if maybe we should have gone on the easier wall. But it was too late for that.

  One at a time, I wiped my hands on my shirt, blew on them, and then reached up, gripping tightly so I could balance myself again.

  I kept cycling through my thoughts, my dreams. There was Sam, then Moyer, then Harmony, and then work, the bar, Jack, and then it was back to Sam, and all I could do was try to push it out of my system, attempt to focus. But it just wasn’t going to work.

  I was angry enough, ragged enough, that I knew that no matter what I did, I wasn’t going to get over what had happened anytime soon. I would have to face it, and I really fucking hated that idea.

  So, I tried my best to push all of those thoughts out of my system so I wouldn’t hurt myself, or worse, end up hurting my brothers somehow, and made my way up the wall, one painstaking movement at a time. When I rang the bell, sweat poured down my body, and my muscles ached. I knew I’d hurt later, knew that I had pushed myself too far, but I was in the safety harness.

  I slowly lowered myself down as Aiden and Cameron finished their climbs. Aiden made it first, then Cameron, and soon, the three of us were all level with one another, shaking our heads as we looked at each other.

  “What the hell were we thinking?” Cameron asked, getting out of his harness with someone’s help. “I mean, we did it, and it was kind of great, but what were we thinking?”

  Aiden barked out a laugh. “That we’re stupid? I don’t know. It was Brendon’s idea, so I’m just going to blame him.” He rolled his shoulder, wincing as he pressed his palm to the joint. “Because this hurts.”

  “Yeah, maybe we should just start with a beer and less bone-breaking activities to make us feel better,” Cameron said, looking directly at me.

  I knew they were both waiting for me to blow up or figure out exactly what was going on, but I didn’t know. I was just so angry. And, apparently, there was nothing I could do to get it out of my system. Pushing my body to
its limits while rock climbing hadn’t helped. Working out before hadn’t helped. It seemed nothing would help.

  We had all finished taking off our harnesses when I looked over at the second rock wall where a group of what looked like teenagers were laughing and pointing up.

  I let out a curse and then ran over, my brothers right behind me.

  “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” I shouted as the kid slowly came down the rock wall. He wasn’t wearing a harness, wasn’t even wearing a helmet. Didn’t have on any safety gear, and somehow, nobody had fucking noticed.

  The kid landed on the ground, and I stormed right to him. I didn’t touch him, I wasn’t angry enough to actually assault some kid, but I was pissed. He looked to be about Dillon’s age, and he could have died.

  “Hey, man, we were just messing around. I mean, what the fuck? You’re not my dad. Nobody was hurt. Get off, man.”

  “You think you’re funny? You think you can just go and break the rules because you’re above everybody? You could’ve gotten hurt. You could’ve fallen and cracked your head open, and then your friends wouldn’t have been laughing, they’d be screaming about your brains splattered on the floor. Is that what you want? You want to be the big man and end up dead on the floor because you’re a dumbass?”

  “Brendon,” Cameron said, pulling me back. But I didn’t budge. I was just so fucking pissed. And, apparently, this kid was getting the worst of it.

  “Shut up, asshole. Whatever. No one was hurt.”

  “Really? You think that’s the case? How about you go look over at the younger kids behind you? They were watching you. Now, they’re going to go up and think it’s okay to climb without a harness or gear. What the fuck were you thinking?”

  “I’m not a kid. I’m twenty. I can do what the fuck I want.”

  “No, you can’t. And, in case you didn’t know, I actually own this building. So why don’t you get the fuck out?”

  I didn’t show my hand with regards to how much money I had made over my life often. I didn’t grandstand or tell others what businesses or buildings I owned. My brothers knew that I owned this place, I just didn’t manage it. I was the money man, the one who made the big decisions, though in the end, not all of them.

  As the rest of the staff came up, even the manager who had been back in the office, I let them handle it and stomped off, my body shaking.

  The kid had wide eyes at my proclamation, but the fact that he was twenty years old, meant he really wasn’t a kid. He was a damned man, making stupid decisions.

  As I looked down at my callused hands and the fact that I was still shaking, I realized I had made some poor decisions, as well.

  “I need a fucking shower,” I whispered. Aiden squeezed my shoulder. “Yeah, let’s do that. And then let’s get to the bar or something because I think you need to talk. Or maybe drink. Or maybe hit something that’s not a snot-nosed kid.”

  “The staff’s going to handle it, and they’re probably not going to like the fact that you yelled like you did. But you’re the owner, I don’t think they can really yell at you back.”

  We stalked to the lockers, and I shook my head. “I deserve it. I shouldn’t have blown up like that.”

  “Well, you’re going through a lot right now, and considering you’re obviously not dealing with it well, it was bound to happen,” Aiden said as he pulled off his shirt. “You know what I mean?”

  “Yeah. If you’re the one who’s trying to talk me down and act reasonable, I guess I really fucked up.”

  Aiden flipped me off, and I just laughed, even though it wasn’t real. I’d let my emotions get the best of me and had taken it out on some kid who, yes, had deserved the tongue-lashing, but not from me. I just hoped that those who saw the kid climb the wall without gear and nobody watching him wouldn’t try to do the same.

  I’d seen a couple of falls in my day, and I didn’t want to see or hear about one again.

  I showered, thankful that when the manager and everyone had wanted to remodel, we had installed private stalls. I just let the water run down my body and scrubbed myself until I was bright red, practically bleeding. But I had to get clean. The cleaner I was, the better I could handle whatever was coming.

  Yes, I knew my obsessive behavior was an issue. I had seen a therapist about it, but there was no changing it. No getting over it anytime soon.

  By the time we made it to the Connolly Brewery, Jack’s place, I went straight up to the office, not really wanting to talk to anyone.

  Dillon had given us a bunch of looks as he took orders at another table, but he didn’t say anything. It was nice to see that at least some of today’s youth weren’t assholes. And…I was officially an old man. I wasn’t even thirty yet, and I had hit old-man stage.

  I knew Cameron and Aiden were following me to the office, but then Aiden took a left to the kitchen, probably to make sure that his precious food was taken care of.

  Cameron didn’t come up right away as I sat down in the desk chair. I was grateful.

  I was embarrassed, angry, and I knew I should probably just go home, but I also knew that no one would let me. They didn’t want me to be alone, and they wanted to drag my thoughts and feelings out.

  I could remember the days when we were younger and hadn’t actually spoken about what we were feeling. And then Jack and Rose had forced us to do it daily until I’d wanted to throw up. But I had finally just told them exactly what I was feeling and what was pissing me off.

  It’d become routine, but it was something that we’d all gotten out of the habit of after Cameron moved away. But now he was back, and we were trying to be better about it. It was very unlike most guys, but we were Connollys, we weren’t like most men.

  Or at least what society told us males needed to be.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose.

  And now I was thinking about society and toxic masculinity rather than actually thinking about what the fuck was wrong with me. I’d reached peak denial, and I was just tired.

  “Okay, I have a beer for you, and one for me. It’s lunchtime. It’s the weekend. It’s really okay. Now, though, why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

  “Don’t forget about me,” Aiden said, a beer in his own hand. “I can have one, and then I’m going to eat and then work. But I figured this is a beer conversation.”

  My brothers took seats in front of me, and I just groaned.

  “I’m surprised Dillon isn’t here.”

  “He can be, if you want. He actually asked, but I figured you’d want him out there working, give the three of us some time alone. Kid doesn’t really feel like he’s a Connolly sometimes, but that’s not your problem.”

  “I think that’s part of why my brain hurts.”

  “I’m going to bet the biggest part of it is Sam,” Aiden said, dropping my birth father’s name out there like it was nothing.

  “Aiden,” Cameron warned.

  “No, we were good for a whole day. We let him run off after Sam showed up out of nowhere. We let him climb a wall and force us to do it, too.”

  “I didn’t force you,” I muttered.

  “Well, it felt like force, but it’s fine, my muscles ache, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to move later, but it’s no big deal. However, as I was saying, we gave you some time, and then you went off on that kid—though I probably would have done the same thing because he was a fucking idiot. But we’re here now. You’re going to tell us what’s up.”

  “I don’t know what’s up. I didn’t ask Sam any questions. I don’t know why he’s back. I didn’t even know he was out of jail. They didn’t tell me.”

  “The system doesn’t really work all the time.”

  “I know that. I know it doesn’t work. But it did get us Jack and Rose and each other. So, I can’t really say that it sucks all the time.”

  Cameron nodded. “Yeah, Jack and Rose were the good ones. Sam wasn’t. Our mother wasn’t,” Cameron said, gesturing between himself an
d Aiden.

  I noticed Aiden stiffen just a bit, and I knew there was still tension there between the twins, between all of us when it came to Aiden, Cameron, and Dillon’s birth mother, but we weren’t going to get into that.

  “I just don’t know what to do,” I said.

  “Well, for all you know, he’ll never come back again, and you won’t have to deal with it at all.” Aiden said the words quickly, and I looked up at him.

  “You know life isn’t that fair,” I said, growling a bit.

  “No, it’s not. And even if Sam doesn’t show up again, you’ll still have to deal with your feelings about it. And I hate saying the word feelings, I feel like I’m going to grow a vagina at any moment.”

  “You’re a dick,” I said.

  “Yeah, Rose probably would’ve slapped me upside the head for saying that.” Aiden winced, and I just shook my head, laughing. It felt good to laugh, especially since, this time, it felt a little warmer than my cold ones from before.

  “I don’t know how I feel. Sam ruined everything. He was such an asshole. He was the worst of the worst. If he’s not in jail and looked clean like he did, I don’t know what he wants. But I have a feeling that won’t be the last time I see him.”

  “Amends and all that shit,” Dillon said from the doorway, and I looked up at him. “Sorry,” the kid said. “I didn’t mean to overhear anything, but I was coming back to see if you guys wanted food. I didn’t realize you were already in the middle of your conversation.”

  I shook my head and gestured for him to come in. “No, come on in. You’re our brother. If we ever have big issues where we have to vent to each other, you’re part of it. And you’re right about the amends. If Sam is clean, then he might be here to try and make amends.”

  “Fucking big ones,” Aiden muttered.

  “Truer words and all that shit,” I said and then took a sip of my beer.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I think I’m past anger. I’m just sad. Or numb. Maybe I don’t know what I need to feel, what I could feel.”