Break The Line

by Allison Mullinax

  My eyelids are heavy, and every attempt to open them has failed. My brain feels drugged, and no matter how hard I’m fighting to stay awake, the thick fog of sleeps pulls me back down.

  * * * *

  “What do you mean, you hope he wakes up soon?” Danni’s voice is elevated and on the brink of shrieking. “You said the surgery went well; you said the bullet missed his liver. Why isn’t he waking up? It’s been three days!”

  “Ms. Walker, I’m going to insist you sit down and keep your arm immobile,” a stern, female voice fills the room.

  “I’m fine.” I can hear the exasperation in her voice, but not as much as I can sense she’s completely worn down. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be another man she has to sit and watch in a hospital bed. Why the fuck can’t I open my eyes? I can hear everything. I can feel everything, but I can’t force my brain to cooperate with my needs. Behind my closed eyelids I see L.J., still and lifeless, and I can’t help but wonder if he, too, felt trapped in his own body this entire time. The thought causes an anxious feeling to churn in the depths of my chest. What kind of hell would that be? This hell.

  The musical beeping in the room increases, along with the sound of a chair scraping against the floor.

  “What is that? What’s wrong with him?” Danni says in a voice laced with panic. I feel her hand in mine, but more so I feel my heart trying to hammer its way out of my body.

  “Ms. Walker, I need you to leave the room.”

  “Like hell.”

  “Someone get her out of here,” the stern voice commands, and I hear feet scurrying around the room.

  “Don’t you let him die!” I hear Danni shouting, her voice growing agitated and distant. I can’t do this to her. I don’t want to be someone else for her to mourn. My chest aches, and my brain feels overworked. The fog returns, yanking me back toward the oblivion of unconsciousness.

  * * * *

  “Hey, Red.”

  “Hey, Jess. Thank you for the coffee. Did you call his mom?” Danni’s voice is close.

  “Sure did. Anything yet?”

  “No . . . They said his heart rate spiked. Could have been all the medication he’s on, could have been from all the trauma.” The urge I have to reach out to her is overpowering, just not strong enough.

  “They sent that son of a bitch to the state prison,” Jess says, anger filling the room. I know he must mean the person who did this to me.

  “Not close enough to hell if you ask me,” Danni replies, and I hear Jess grumble in agreement.

  “How’s your arm?”

  “I’m fine.” I can hear the stubborn strong will oozing out of her mouth. What’s wrong with her arm? Goddamn it, why can’t I wake up from this?

  “No, you’re not,” Liza says, and I’m grateful that she’s here.

  Danni doesn’t argue with her. She sits there in silence, her fingertips grazing my palm. How often has she done this with L.J. over the years? Just staring at his body, waiting for anything to happen. This shit isn’t going down on my watch. I came back for her, to fight for her. I can’t damn well do that lying in a bed.

  I hear her suck in a breath of air. “He moved.”

  “What?” The sound of Jess’ steel toe boots move closer to the bed.

  “His fingertips. I was tracing the lines on his palm and his fingers closed around mine, just for a moment. It was more than a muscle spasm. That was intentional,” she says, unable to hide her excitement. I push through the fog, I push through the pain stabbing between my eyes, just fucking wake up.

  “I’ll go get the nurse,” Liza says, spitting the words out quickly.

  “Benson? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand.” Her warm breath blows in my ear, and her hand is waiting in mine. “Please.” And with that one word, there isn’t a force on Earth that could keep me from waking up to her.

  “Oh my God, he can hear me. He squeezed my hand,” she says, voice cracking.

  “Wake up, asshole,” Jess says, laughter in his words.

  The bright fluorescent light hitting my irises feels like a crack of lightning sparking directly into my brain cells, but I don’t care. I need to see her face. I need her to see me.

  “Hey, Angler,” she says, as my eyes find hers. She leans into my face, kissing my dry cracked lips.

  “Ow,” I reply, and I can feel her smiling against me.

  “Ms. Walker, please step away.” The stern voice is back.

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know,” Danni says, raising from my face. Her eyes, though happy, are tired. I grab hold of her hand, not letting her step an inch away from me. I look at the doctor, a lazy and drugged grin on my face.

  “That woman isn’t leaving my sight,” I say, nodding toward Danni. My voice is raspy and dry. The doctor nods her head in agreement, and then asks for a nurse to fetch some ice water. She flashes her light between my eyes, asking me to follow her finger. She checks my wound, causing Danni to grimace and Jess to ball his fists. I’ll be angry about the situation later, right now all I care about is her. I notice white gauze taped to Danni’s forearm, and I pull her close.

  “Mr. Howell, it’s nice to have you back. You sustained a gun-shot wound to your lower right quadrant. It entered here,” she says, walking over and placing her fingers just shy of my kidneys, “and exited, here.” She raises my hospital gown exposing a large white bandage wrapped around my entire waist. “You suffered hypovolemic shock from the immediate blood loss, which we counteracted with multiple transfusions. You also underwent surgery to repair the tissue disruption and remove a small bullet fragment. You were very lucky.” The doctor pats my arm and calls out a list of medications that I’ve been receiving. I half pay attention as I see Danni shift nervously from foot to foot, chewing at her bottom lip.

  “Thank you,” I say, interrupting her mid-sentence. This is all a little overwhelming from just having woke up. “I was shot? How long have I been here?”

  “Five days,” she says, and I see Liza looking over at Danni, a worrisome expression taking over both of their faces.

  “L.J.?” I look between the two of them, asking the question.

  “He’s here. Same condition. There was just too much going on with you and with…” Liza trails off, eyes darting from Danni to Jess. “There was just too much going on.”

  “All right. Someone spill it.”

  “Maybe we should wait until you get your bearings,” Danni begins, pushing the hair off my forehead.

  “Liza, Jess, Dr. Stern Voice, can you give Danni and I just a minute?” The doctor gives me an odd expression, and follows everyone out of the room.

  “Come here,” I command, pulling her down to sit beside me. I unintentionally wince at the movement on the bed. Jesus Christ this hurts. I reach my hand up, satisfying the intense need to feel my palm against her neck. Her eyes, void of the usual glacier blue specks, close shut at the contact. I brush the hair off her shoulders, and she leans her face into my hand. “You look like shit, baby, have you even left this hospital?” I say, smiling as she swats at my arm.

  “Nice to see you, too,” she says playfully. “And no. The nurses let me shower in the residency hall, and Mama has been bringing me a change of clothes. You’re both here, so where else would I be?” She shrugs her shoulders, and I can’t imagine what the past few days have been like for her.

  “I’m sorry. I knew you were here in the room with me. I tried to wake up, but whatever they have me on is some heavy shit. I tried, baby. I’m sorry.” I grab the fabric of her shirt and pull her in to me. She nuzzles her head between my face and shoulder.

  “You have nothing to be sorry for. Everything is my fault,” she sniffles and my forehead creases in confusion. She pulls back, swiping at her cheeks.

  “What’s going on, Danni?” I ask, again she nibbles at her bottom lip.

  “It’s my fault you were shot. I
shouldn’t have left things with you the way they were. I should have gone after you, or stopped you that night. Had you and I been on better terms, you wouldn’t have come back looking for me. You wouldn’t have been standing in that parking lot when…” she trails off.

  “When what?” I say, coaxing the words out of her.

  “When Jackson saw you and I standing there. He warned me not to bring you around. He told us what he would do.” She hides her face in her hands, shaking her head. Jackson is the person who shot me. L.J.’s brother did this. Liza’s brother. No wonder they were both so nervous.

  I grab both of her wrists in my hands, pulling them away from her face. She sucks in a sharp breath of air when I accidently graze the bandage on her arm.

  “Did he hurt you, Danni?” I ask, teeth grinding and with a newfound urge to get out of this goddamn bed.

  “My arms were wrapped around your waist when he shot you. The bullet grazed my arm as it entered your body. Just a few stiches. It was nothing.”

  “I’ll fucking kill him,” I say, smoothing my hands over my face.

  “I’m so sorry, Benson. I never thought this would happen. I understand if you want me to leave now that you know what happened that night. If you had . . . if something had happened to you, I would never have forgiven myself,” she says, standing and walking over to the couch, grabbing her things.

  I look at her, auburn hair scattered over her shoulder blades, watery eyes unsure of what she should do next. “Baby . . . stop.” She looks back at me, chest heaving and her hands shaking. “Get your ass over here.”

  She walks over to my bed, and I painfully move to the side, making room for her entire body to lay beside me. “You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Do you understand me?” She responds by nodding her head yes against my chest, my arms wrapped around her body.

  “And don’t you dare do that. Not anymore. No more giving me an out, no more giving me an excuse to go away. Don’t you get that I can’t? You’re a damn mess, Danni. Everything about you is incredibly and infuriatingly impossible. But your mess is my mess now. I can’t forget you. Believe me I’ve tried. The entire gravity of the universe couldn’t drag me away from you. We do this together from now on. All of it. You and me,” I say, and though it hurts, I welcome her arms grasping tightly to me.

  She pulls her head from my chest, “You and me,” she says, and kisses my mouth, causing my hands to wander over her back. They find their way into her messy hair, pulling and kneading at the base of her neck. If I were physically capable, I would do everything in my power to get her clothes off and be as close to her as possible. But considering the circumstances, I’ll settle for the make-out session.

  “We need to stop,” she says, breathless, the icy blue slightly returning to her eyes. She reaches around and untwists the IV cord from around her back. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy.”

  “I missed your birthday.” I lay my head on her shoulder.

  “I’ll expect an expensive dinner and a full body massage for dessert. Ya know, once you’re done being lazy lying in this bed all day.” She reaches her hand up and under my jawline, stroking the hair just behind my ears.

  She sits upright, Indian style beside me on the bed, checking her phone. Her face goes pale, causing me to peek over her shoulder as to what could be wrong. “It’s a message from Liza, she’s one floor up, L.J.’s had another seizure.”

  “Go, baby.” I grab her hand, pulling it to my lips. “Send Jess in here on your way, ok?” I ask, and she gives me a small smile and nods her head. “And Danni, I want to be there if that’s ok? When you and Liza choose for it to happen. I don’t have to be in the room, but let me be here for you,” I say, never taking my eyes off her face.

  “You and me,” she says, before disappearing out the door.

  * * * *

  “I tried to sneak you a beer in here, but Dr. Stick up Her Ass caught me,” Jess says, plopping down on the chair beside my bed. I chuckle, instantly causing a tight pulling sensation in my ribs.

  “Son of a bitch, this hurts.”

  “GSW will do that,” he smirks. “By the way, all the guys on the circuit pitched in, sent a rather large check your way to cover expenses while you’re on leave, with Randy donating the largest amount.”

  “Really? Now I gotta be nice to that asshole,” I say, smiling.

  “He can afford it. He won out the entire tournament in Kentucky. Only because you weren’t there.”

  “Ehh, it’s time I give someone else a chance to rake in the bass and the dough for a little bit,” I say, leaning my head back and grinning.

  After a few moments pass, the silence coming from Jess’ end of the room causes my eyes to open. He’s staring at the floor, picking at the cracked leather of the chair.

  “You good, man?” I ask, and he doesn’t look up.

  “Yeah, just scared the shit out of me. Glad you’re all right.”

  “Never better,” I say, picking an ice cube out of my cup and throwing it at him, smacking him square in the forehead. “You need a hug?”

  “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that?” he says, checking his watch, and walking toward the door. “I’ma go down to the cafeteria. It’s 7:00 and the day shift nurses should be leaving. Gonna see if I can reel one in.” He throws me a wink, and I shake my head.

  He walks out the door, just as Liza comes in. “You up for one more visitor?” she asks, and I wave her in. Jess cranes his neck around the door to get a look at Liza’s backside as she walks in, before he smirks and finally leaves.

  “Hey Liza, I’m real sorry about L.J.” I try and push my body up further on the bed, but the stabbing pain wrapping around my back stops me short.

  “Me too. We always knew something like this would more than likely happen. It wasn’t a complete shock,” she says. “Now you on the other hand, that was a surprise.” She walks over to me, giving me support under my elbows as I sit up.

  “You ain’t kidding.”

  “Yeah, I’m really sorry about that and about my brother, the other one.” She rolls her eyes and takes a seat. “I don’t think you have to worry about running into Jackson for quite some time. They sent him to prison, probably where he should have ended up years ago.”

  “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Danni, none of this is your fault.”

  She looks at me with appreciation. “We decided on tomorrow to say goodbye to L.J. Keeping him on the ventilator any longer is inhumane. His body is beyond exhausted, and so are we.”

  “I know that I have no business asking you this, but I need a favor from you,” I say, taking a deep breath and hoping that she doesn’t punch me in the mouth.

  “What is it, Benson?” she asks, a curious expression covering her face.

  “I would like a minute alone, with L.J., before you guys say your goodbyes to him. I won’t take too much time away from you or Danni, but there’s something I need to say to him before he’s gone.”

  With tears in her eyes, Liza nods her head yes, granting me permission to do something I will forever be grateful for.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Danni-Rose

  The familiar feeling of driving down the dirt road, toward my little green house, is comforting. The top branches of the pecan trees bend with the manipulation of the wind, sending a small breeze through my Jeep window and temporarily casting out the humid air. With my elbow propped against the door, and my hand leaning on my cheek, the warm sun brushes against my face. I fight the temptation to close my eyes behind my sunglasses, and turn the radio up to help keep me awake.

  Beau must have sensed my presence long before I pulled into the driveway. With his tail wagging and his tongue hanging, he’s waiting for me at the mail box. “Hey boy,” I say, reaching over and opening the passenger side door. He leaps in, wetting my face with his tongue, and stinking up the Jeep with his di
rty fur. I laugh, maybe for the first time this week, and nuzzle into his neck. He lets out an excited whimper, and I instantly feel guilty that I haven’t been around for him much lately.

  I open the mailbox, expecting a waterfall of paper to spew out, but it looks like Mama was taking care of that, too, while I’ve been camped out at the county hospital. As I pull up into my usual spot underneath the oak tree, Mama walks out of the house, smiling with the usual dish towel slung over her shoulder.

  “Hey baby, I got all your mail in here.” She waves me into my own home, and again I find myself smiling. Beau leaps out of the driver side, and darts up the porch, circling around Mama’s feet and causing her to scowl. “Sit,” she says, and without hesitation Beau plops his bottom at her feet, looking up at her and waiting for his next command.

  “Six days with you, and you’ve already taught him more manners than I’ve been able to in six years.”

  “Come in here and get a proper shower. How’s my boys?” she asks, throwing her arms around me and snuggling my body into her. I think back to the way Mama, much like myself, bounced from room to room over the past week. We would cross paths on the elevators, Mama offering a comforting hug, and me giving her updates on the others’ condition. I would catch her humming her favorite hymnal to L.J., and telling Benson stories of what I was like as a little girl. I look at her with so much appreciation, knowing I would have crumbled at the seams had she not been there to help hold me together.

  “Benson should get to go home in a couple of days. L.J….” I trail off, looking out across the soybean field, but seeing nothing except the tubes coming out of his throat. How long has it been since I’ve been able to remember L.J. skiing on the water, or riding through town in his old pickup truck? Doing anything that symbolized how full of life he was. All I can hope is that once he’s gone, those will be the types of memories I have when I think of him.