Earth Fathers Are Weird

by Lyn Gala

  Max supplied the word Rick struggled to express. “Boring. You find symmetry boring.” That did make some sense. Every time Rick turned his head, a whole new pattern of eyes and colors appeared. From a distance, he appeared light green, but up close, Rick’s skin had streaks of greens and beiges. And then the undersides and ends of the tentacles were vivid reds and oranges. If someone took a hundred pictures of Rick, no two would look the same. There was a lot to explore.

  “Max is not boring,” Rick said. He wrapped his tentacles around Max’s middle and squeezed.

  “I am symmetrical, at least externally.”

  “But internally asymmetrical. Rick rested a tentacle on his lower stomach. “Internally, Max is random and unpredictable.”

  Max narrowed his eyes. “Are you saying you find my intestines attractive?” Of all the pickup lines. Max had gotten in his life, and he had gotten a lot, that was the oddest.

  “Yes.”

  “You’re the weird one.”

  Rick shimmied. “Max is unpredictable with actions. He is warrior who will surrogate. He is father who will claim genetic otherness as his own.” Rick stretched, and his tentacle brushed over Max's half hard cock. Immediately, Rick froze, his tentacle still pressing Max's genitals, and alien pants were not nearly thick enough to hide what was going on. “Query. Would you tangle tentacles?”

  Max was bordering on desperate to have sex, and his cock was getting harder by the second. However, he knew better than to crap where he ate. At least he did now. As a teen and even a young man in his early twenties, he had slept with too many people he worked with or had class with. It had made for some awkward morning-afters. “Tangling tentacles can make it difficult for me to leave. You said your people never stay, that you swim away.”

  “Children must leave a parent. To stay with a parent is to remain in stagnant water.”

  “Well, humans like water which does not move,” Max said. “If we tangle tentacles, I’ll want the waters to not move, so it’s best if we don’t get tangled.” Max rolled away from Rick.

  Most of Rick’s tentacles slid away as Max sat up on the edge of the bed, but Rick curled one tentacle around Max’s wrist. “Children swim away from parents. Young ones swim away from the city of birth. The people explore.”

  Max sighed and pushed Rick’s last tentacle off. “Yeah. I get it. And that's why we shouldn't tangle tentacles.”

  “You do not understand.” Rick caught Max’s wrist again before Max could flee this awkward conversation. “Adults do not flee from every attachment. When the people have explored enough, as elders we seek to bond in a stagnant pairing.”

  Max scooted around so he could look at Rick. “Are you saying you are old enough to pair bond?” This conversation was spinning out of control even faster than yesterday's.

  “I am not,” Rick said, and Max’s chest tightened. He needed to stop emotionally relying on Rick. “But I am willing to remain in stagnant waters, which are interesting.”

  That sounded like an alien version of a pity fuck, or maybe a pity relationship. Max wasn’t exactly following the conversation well enough to tell, but pity was involved, and Max didn’t do pity. “I don't want to be the stagnant waters you endure.

  “Query. Clarification. To endure is negative.”

  “Yes,” Max blurted. “And I don't want you to accept a negative because you think...” Max struggled for the words.

  “I endure nothing.” Rick pulled Max back onto the bed. “Stagnant water is pleasant to one who has traveled fast streams.”

  Max closed his eyes. This was painful because it came so close to what Max wanted, and yet it was a world apart from real commitment or desire.

  “I sought offspring because I hoped for slower waters. I could not hope to find a pair bond. Query. Would you pair bond?”

  Max’s brain had a full meltdown. “What?”

  “To pair bond is to share stagnant waters and enjoy the condition of boring with an individual you find pleasing enough to seek repetitious experiences.”

  Max blinked and tried to restart his brain. “That is the strangest definition of marriage I have ever heard,” he said in a weak voice. He cleared his throat. “Query. Are you asking me to marry you? Oh, wait. Better question. Query. How long does pair bonding last?”

  “Many years. Until one seeks faster water.”

  “Oh. So it’s a marriage with a built-in divorce. Great.” Max needed to avoid emotional entanglements.

  Rick pushed himself to the edge of the bed and let half his tentacles spill over the edge. “Query. Markers for unhappiness.”

  “Most humans would hope their marriage would last forever.” Max rubbed his face. “Divorce is when a pair bonding ends with the partners wanting to leave the bond before death. The pair goes to elders to request resources can be fairly divided so each can swim in other waters.” That was a big of a simplification since plenty of married people Max knew swam in plenty of other, faster waters without getting a divorce first, but hopefully Rick would see the problem. Max was built for the whole death-do-part routine. He’d grown up in a small town where people still whispered words like divorce and infidelity in mock horror as they gossiped.

  “To involve elders would be seen as a lack of skill in ending a pair bond successfully.”

  “I can't argue with that.” Max added a weak chuckle. “But we need to avoid tangling tentacles because humans want forever. Ending a pair bond usually includes screaming and blame and much damage.”

  “Clarify. Emotional damage or physical damage?”

  “Both,” Max said. “Well, most of the damage is emotional, but it is not unusual for the violence to turn physical.” Max edited out the part where people even killed over pair bonding from time to time. He had already made humans sound like psychopaths, but he didn’t want to make it worse.

  “Max is never stagnant-bad even if we are stagnant-unchanging,” Rick said.

  Max ran his fingers over one of Rick’s larger tentacles. “That is the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time.”

  “Clarify. Long time.”

  “Years,” Max said. “You are kinder than anyone I’ve known for years.”

  Rick shimmied. “I understand your warning of danger inherent within human pair bonds. I still wish to pair bond.”

  “I don't know that it is safe for us to pair bond.” That was not technically true since Max knew full well it was unsafe. He had too many tangled emotions. Maybe that was the isolation or the children. Or maybe his feelings for Rick, but if this relationship went sideways, Max would be screwed in the unfun way.

  Instead of withdrawing, Rick curled more tentacles around Max. “I am smart. I am knowing that humans have dangerous instincts. I am knowing Max is dangerous. I still want pair bond.”

  Max sucked in a fast breath. “I would never hurt you. I don't care how bad our relationship ended. I don't care if you dropped me on a planet on the far side of the universe. I would not hurt you.” Max's guts roiled.

  “Okay.”

  Max frowned because he had no idea what that meant. “I wouldn’t,” he said.

  “I believe.” The wrinkles around Rick’s eyes deepened.

  “I’m not afraid for you. I fear I will hurt if you choose to swim away. Me.”

  Rick didn't answer for a long time. They sat on the edge of the bed and Max felt like they were teetering on some tipping point. He had already agreed to stay on the ship, so he wasn't sure why Rick was pushing for sex. “I like Max's stagnant water,” Rick said so slowly that the translation computer had to pause between words. “I like Max's stories. I like Max keeping offspring safe. I like Max keeping me safe. I like Max happy and making strange mouth noises.”

  “Clarify. Laughing. Those mouth noises are laughing,” Max said.

  Again, Rick was silent for a significant amount of time before he responded. “I like Max laughing.”

  Max's defenses were crumbling faster than he could shore them up. He wanted a connection
. That made it hard to stick to his stoic celibacy. He shrugged. “That’s not the worst reason to pair bond.”

  “Query. Max pair bond Rick.”

  Max knew he should say no. He should retain some semblance of independence. He just didn't want to. He was tired of being alone, and that feeling was much older than getting lost in space. He whispered his answer. “Yes.”

  Rick's tentacles quivered before curling around Max’s torso.

  Almost immediately, tentacles crept up and under Max's shirt. It wasn't an unusual response to accepting a proposal, but Max didn't know what to do with his hands. He stroked a tentacle, but he had no idea what passed for an erogenous zone on an alien. “I don't know what to do,” Max admitted. He hadn't said that since he was twelve years old and had discovered porn. Porn had given him a lot of bad advice, but at least he was doing something, even if it was the completely wrong something for the situation.

  “Tangle tentacles.” Rick curled a tentacle around Max's wrist. All of those mini tentacles along the underside tangled around Max's fingers. Max stretched his fingers and then closed his fist. Rick shivered.

  “If that's what does it for you, I can tangle some tentacles.” Max shifted to the right so that he could lean back and pull his legs up. He caught one of Rick’s tentacles between his two legs and then locked his ankles together in a wrestling move. Rick gave a full body shiver.

  Then Rick was pulling at the shirt so hard that Max feared having underarm bruises. “Hey, don't tear it. It’s the only one I have.”

  “We fabricate more. Many more.” Rick blurted the words out almost too fast for the translator.

  “Yes, but you're going to bruise me.”

  Rick stopped pulling the fabric. Buttons weren’t his thing, so Max shook his hand free of the tentacles that held him. In a second, he had unfastened several buttons. Rick got the message because several tentacles detoured from pulling duty and started unbuttoning. He shoved the shirt off Max’s shoulders, but it got caught right around Max's elbows. “I can take it off,” Max offered.

  Rick shifted to Max’s pants without giving him time to wiggle free of his shirt. Max unbuttoned his pants before Rick could do any damage. It had taken him forever to get the computer to fabricate a decent crotch and he didn’t want to lose a pair of pants. As soon as Max got the zipper down, tentacles pushed his hand out of the way.

  Tiny finger tentacles grabbed his cock, and Max arched his back, but Rick tightened his tentacles around Max’s arms, thwarting any attempt to flail. And Max did attempt. Strenuously. His cock turned painfully hard before Rick had even started pushing the pants down around Max’s thighs.

  “Oh shit.”

  “Query. Am I being shitty?” Rick asked, all his tentacles freezing in place.

  “No!” Max screamed the word. “You’re awesome. Shit is an expression of strong emotion. In this case, good emotion.” Very good. Max might regret this later when he got his heart broken, but right now his body enthusiastically approved.

  “I do not approve.”

  “Yeah, well don’t stop,” Max said. Slowly the tentacles started moving again, undulating against Max’s bare flesh. One rested right over Max’s left nipple, then suction pulled on his skin. Rick experimented, sucking first hard and then soft. Max threw his head back and panted as his awareness narrowed to the small piece of flesh where Rick experimented with different sensations. Finger tentacles slid over his skin and then a dozen suckers all went to work. Max groaned as tentacles writhed and contorted, knotted with each other and then darted around Max’s arms and hands, his legs and neck, and finally his cock.

  The sucking sensation was everywhere, some soft enough to tickle and others so strong that Max squirmed under the onslaught. He grabbed a handful of tentacles, holding tightly. Rick shuddered and then curled his tentacles around Max’s fingers and wrist. When Rick pulled his right hand up, the shirt still caught around his biceps tightened and then he dragged Max up the bed. Rick shifted so his huge head rested over Max’s thighs, the heavy weight pinning Max to the bed.

  Then tentacles encircled his ankles. Max used his limited mobility to hook his ankle around one of them and pull on it. Rick’s shiver was smaller, but with his weight on Max, Max felt it and a tremor went up his own back. That made Rick shiver again. Rick had explored much of Max’s body, those suckers teasing him everywhere, but now they returned to Max’s nipples. One tentacle covered both nipples and sucked hard. Max bucked. He dug his heels into the bed and lifted Rick into the air, but Rick was heavy, and Max collapsed back onto the bed. However, in the short time he’d had his ass up, tentacles had darted under him.

  Rick wrapped a thick tentacle around the small of Max’s back. It left Max’s ass suspended a few inches above the bed, and this was the most vulnerable, hottest sex position Max had ever experienced. Max shook his right hand free of the tentacles around it before he grabbed a thicker one the way he would grab a rope during PT. He circled the tentacle until it was wrapped around his forearm and then he grasped it. Smaller tentacles twined around their joined arms.

  A tentacle slid across Max’s inner thigh before brushing Max’s cock. Max gasped. It felt slick and the small finger tentacles teased the sensitive skin.

  “Humans and the people much compatible,” Rick said in a low and rumbly voice.

  Max agreed, but he didn’t have the brain cells to form words. Gentle suction teased Max’s cock and the tiny fingers tormented him, exploring the head of his cock. Max tried to thrust up, but Rick had captured both of his legs and the tentacle at the small of his back had curled around his hips so he was firmly held. Max suspected Rick was using his strong leg tentacle to bind him, but the one around Max’s throat made it impossible for him to look down to check.

  “Please.” A needy moan escaped, and for a half second, Max tried to maintain some sort of dignity. But then Rick tightened his hold on Max’s cock while dragging a tentacle across his hole. Max threw all restraint out and thrashed. “Fuck. Yes. More.” His one word demands ended when Rick thrust deep into him.

  Pleasure crashed through him. Max’s cock was so hard that it hurt, and he would have come if not for the tentacles wrapped tightly around the base. Max didn’t want to be an inconsiderate lover, lying back while the other guy did all the work, but his limbs were tangled in tentacles. He could only writhe in need. A tentacles passed over his lips, and Max sucked at the pale skin. At first he kept his explorations tentative and gentle, but when Rick shivered, Max sucked harder.

  The tentacle in his ass pushed in. Rick’s limbs were cool, which contrasted with his hot body pressing down against Max’s belly and thighs. The tentacle forced Max’s body to stretch until muscle strained and stung.

  “Wait!” Max cried. Everything froze. Rick’s tentacles still held him in an iron grip, but nothing sucked or teased or pushed. “Query. You aren’t putting more offspring in me, are you?” Max asked. The blind lust faded. Fuck, did women have to worry about this every damn time? How the hell did they ever get their rocks off?

  “No. I would not use Max as surrogate without conversation.”

  “Good. You ask before you put babies up there, and you ask when I’m not so hard that I could die if you don’t shove more tentacle in me. I would pretty much agree to anything at this point, including carrying a whole litter of offspring, so get your tentacles moving.”

  Unfortunately, Rick didn’t budge. “Clarify. More offspring in future?”

  “Many more, but right now, move your damn tentacles.”

  Rick shimmied and then shoved in so hard that Max screamed. The tentacle around Max’s cock sucked and teased in time with the one in his ass. Every time the tentacle in his ass pulsed or bulged or thrust, the one around his cock would suck harder. Caught between the two sensations, Max cried out in pleasure.

  The tip of Rick’s tentacle probed the corner of Max’s mouth, and Max turned his head toward it. He sucked at it and ran his tongue along the red underside where Rick had his tiny
finger tentacles. The tentacle explored Max’s mouth for a few seconds before Rick thrust it farther in and twined it around Max’s tongue. Max pushed and sucked in a battle for his mouth that mimicked the one going on in his ass, but he was happily losing on both fronts.

  Rick pulled his legs farther into the air and the tentacle in Max’s ass felt twice as large. He screamed around the one in his mouth, and then he was coming. The pain made the world white out, but then Rick loosened his grip on Max’s cock, and Max had the most glorious orgasm of his life. His muscles jerked and he fought Rick’s hold. The tentacle around his leg slipped free, and Max dug the heel into the bed as his whole body turned into one over-stimulated nerve.

  The hot, blind hunger faded, and Rick lowered him to the bed while Max panted. Rick pulled his tentacles out from under Max, but he left the one in Max’s ass in place. Max felt like he was skewered, and he liked that far more than he would have expected. When he’d left toys in, they’d been uncomfortable, but Rick’s tentacle fit. Max pushing himself farther up the bed, and the way the tentacle was dragged along with him was completely hot.

  “Did you come?” Max asked before adding a belated, “Query.”

  “Clarify come.”

  Max didn’t have the brain cells for this. “Query. Did you reach maximum pleasure?”

  “I am still feeling pleasure,” Rick said, and the tentacle in Max’s ass shivered.

  “You are fond of my intestines, aren’t you?” Max asked. He hadn’t properly marked that as a question, so he didn’t expect an answer. He got one anyway.

  Rick shifted so his head rested on Max’s chest, although his tentacle was just as deeply buried inside Max. “I am fond of your intestines. They are beautifully asymmetrical.”

  Max laughed and held his hand out, fingers spread, and Rick coiled his smallest tentacle around his fingers. Despite all their differences, they were pretty damn compatible.

  Chapter Twenty-Three