Unspoken Words

by K. M. Golland

  The best lies were the ones we told ourselves; we controlled the bullshit and deceit. We controlled the hurt, and I wasn’t going to allow this to hurt me.

  “What about your formal, sweetie? You are going, right?”

  I shrugged and pushed my bowl away from me. “Sure.”

  “Who are you going with?”

  “Nobody.”

  “Maybe you could go with Tristan?”

  My eyes met hers. “Mum, really?”

  She surrendered her hands to the air. “It’s just a thought.”

  “Well, it’s a stupid thought.”

  I hadn’t said all that much to Tristan since the day Connor hit him. I’d been angry with the jerk for blatantly baiting Connor. The things he’d said, the caress of my cheek … he’d never said or done anything like that before. It had all been for show, and I’d told him as much the next day when he’d come around to apologise. Since then, we’d exchanged a ‘hello’ at the letterbox and the odd hi and bye during school.

  “Eloise, you’ve worked so hard this year and sacrificed so much. You deserve to enjoy your end of school celebrations like everyone else.”

  “And I will. I’ll just do it on my own.”

  Mum sighed and pushed my bowl closer to me. “Suit yourself. But stop playing with your food and eat it.”

  I groaned but did as I was told.

  The press of pen to paper.

  One simple full stop.

  The end.

  “Well, done, Miss Mitchell. You may leave,” Mrs Gemperle whispered, as she collected my exam and gestured to the door.

  Relief surged through me like a bolt of lightning as I laid my pen down having just finished my final exam, and I headed out of the room before I screamed for release. School … life … it was all currently one big snake pit I was desperate to climb out of.

  Stepping outside, the spring sun left a pleasant kiss on my face. I inhaled and breathed—really breathed—for the first time in a long time. Crisp, clean air filtered in through my nose and out through my mouth. Birds chirped, and leaves blew in the breeze. Students laughed and sung along to a radio while a distant train sounded its horn as it pulled into the local station. I’m free. I’m finally free.

  It was bliss, all of it, bliss.

  “How’d you go?”

  I turned to see Tristan, hands in his pockets, a crumpled expression on his face.

  “Good, I think. I feel good. You?”

  “I don’t know. I finished. That’s the main thing.”

  I smiled. “It is. You should be proud. You’ve completed high school.”

  “I am proud. But I need a score of at least eighty-five percent to get into the engineering course I applied for. After my efforts in there,” he said, pointing back at the hall. “I’m not sure I’ll get it.”

  “You will. Have faith.”

  “Thanks. I’m trying.”

  We descended the steps and began walking to the bus stop.

  “So how ‘bout you?” he asked. “What percentage do you need?”

  “At least seventy for a course in Darwin, and seventy-four for the ones in Canberra and the city.”

  “Darwin?” His crumpled expression crumpled further.

  “Yeah. Northern College of the Arts. It’s meant to be amazing.”

  “That’s a long way from home, Ellie.”

  “It is, but I’m really excited about it. I want to branch out and spread my creative wings.” I opened my arms like a bird and leapt forward, turning one-eighty degrees and flapping while walking backwards. “You catching the bus or are you just being a gentleman and walking with me?”

  He picked up his pace to keep up with my hurried steps. “Both.”

  I smiled and kept flapping.

  “So … does that mean you and Connor have definitely split then?”

  My flapping stopped. “What? No. Why?”

  “Because you could be heading to Darwin, and because he’s taking my sister to their formal.”

  My eyes heated to a sear. “Could be heading to Darwin,” I said, my tone firm. “And, anyway, Connor might be heading there, too, if that’s what’s best for him. Or we both might stay here in Melbourne. We’re gonna see what happens.” My arms fell to my sides. “And I know he’s taking Lilah. They’re friends. It makes sense.”

  Tristan jogged past me and opened the gate to the bus stop. “She wants them to be more than friends. You know that, right?”

  I paused and searched his ink-coloured eyes.

  “I’m sorry, Ellie, but she’s adamant you two have split.”

  “We haven’t split. We’ve just been taking a breather.”

  Butterflies swirled in my stomach as the roar of the bus’s engine sounded in the distance. Connor would be on that bus, and I desperately wanted to see and talk to him. Exams were over. School was finished. We could finally make things right again.

  “A breather? What even is that?”

  “It’s some time apart to catch your breath.”

  “Okay. If you say so.”

  “I do.”

  Covering my nose and mouth with my hand, I hurried through the dust cloud following the bus as it pulled to a stop and parked on the gravel, then I climbed the steps, my smile faltering when I spotted Connor with Lilah, his arm stretched across the back of the seat they were both sitting on.

  Our eyes locked, and his body tensed. My feet froze in place, dead weights in the aisle, until Tristan lightly nudged me forward.

  “There’s a spare seat to your left,” he whispered into my ear.

  Swallowing what felt like a mouthful of dust, my eyes moved from Connor to Lilah who shuffled in her seat closer to his side, a victorious smirk on her vindictive stupid face. I wanted to storm up the aisle and punch her in the nose, pull her hair, and just … hurt her. She was hurting me, deliberately, and I didn’t understand why.

  Lilah Perez was just an outright bitch who derived pleasure from seeing others suffer, and I didn’t understand that. And I no longer understood Connor, either.

  He’d changed.

  Blinking back tears I refused to let fall, I quickly ducked into the seat and scooted across to let Tristan sit beside me. I could barely form a sentence but did so anyway. “Are they together?”

  “I don’t think so. Lilah would’ve said something if they were.”

  I choked, my mouth still bone dry. “They sure as hell look together.”

  He turned in his seat and glanced back at them, cringing. “Yeah, they do. I’m sorry, Ellie.”

  I nodded and blinked back more tears.

  “Maybe you should just go and talk to him?”

  “I can’t. Not with her there.”

  “Who cares if she’s there? Have you guys split or not?”

  “I … I don’t know. I didn’t think so until now.”

  “Clearly, you need to talk to him and get your shit straightened.”

  “I know,” I whispered unable to hold back a sob.

  “Hey.” Tristan touched my leg. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound like a dick. It’s just … if you were my girl, you’d know it. And if you weren’t, you’d know that too.”

  “I’m not your girl,” I said, turning to look out the window and wishing I could just slide it open, flap my arms like before, and fly away. My stomach was twisting, my heart heavy, and for the first time in my life, I think I experienced true regret. What have I done? I drove him away.

  I told myself to breathe and hold it together, focussing on the passing trees and buildings until the bus finally pulled up at Connor’s stop. The hairs on my arms stood on end like magnets as he neared my seat to leave. I knew he was there. I could feel him.

  But he didn’t say anything, didn’t ask me how I was or tell me how he was. He just handed me a note and … left.

  I looked down at it, terrified of what his unspoken words said.

  “Are you going to open it?” Tristan asked.

  I shook my head and placed it in my pocket
. “Not now.”

  “Well, when you do, hopefully it gives you answers.” His voice was kind and sympathetic, and even so, it did nothing for the twisting in my stomach as silence settled between us and the bus took off again. I couldn’t see Connor out of the window; I didn’t even look. My heart was broken, and I felt nothing but loss and regret, and … anger. How dare he? How dare he move on and not end it with me first? How dare he write me a note and give it to me NOW? And her, how fucking dare her?

  “Ellie, about the formal—”

  “Huh?”

  “I mean I know the timing is wrong, but I was wondering … did you want to go to the formal together?”

  My eyes cautioned Tristan’s. “I don’t know. I’ve just—”

  “As friends. Nothing more.”

  “I was kinda planning on going solo.”

  He waved his hand, dismissing my answer, and stood up before the bus had even stopped. “No sweat. I’ll probably just do the same.”

  I stood up and followed, stumbling down the aisle after him. “It’s nothing personal. I’m just … I—I wouldn’t be a good date.”

  He stepped off the bus, and I followed him.

  “Of course you would.”

  “I honestly wouldn’t, Tristan. I’m a mess right now.”

  He placed his hands on my shoulders and pretended to brush them clean. “You’re not. You’re very tidy.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “Say yes.”

  “Say yes to what?” Lilah asked from behind.

  Clenching my fists, I was ready to let her have it when Tristan playfully hugged me to his side, restraining me. “Say yes to going to the formal with me.”

  I glared at him.

  “That’s a great idea! Seeing as your formal and our formal have now merged, maybe Mum could carpool us all in the van, like a double date.” She practically skipped up her driveway. “Nice to see you, Ellieeeeee.”

  Hatred crept my spine, and I clawed my fingers by my sides.

  “Ignore her,” Tristan said, loosening his grip on my shoulder.

  “No. Not this time.” I took a few steps in her direction. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  She turned back, her devilish eyes wide open, her lip quirked. “Excuse me?”

  “I know what you’re doing, and it won’t work. Connor and I are ever after. You can’t compete with that.” I laughed, mocking her. “It’s actually quite funny that you’re trying.”

  “I’m not trying to do anything.”

  “No, you’re just pathetic, and sad, and I pity you. Connor pities you too, you should know that.” Looking her up and down, I’d said everything I needed to say and continued to walk past her house to mine, stopping when the fence screened me from their view.

  My face was hot, my pulse rapid. I’d never done or said anything so cruel, and I didn’t know how I felt about it.

  “Are you okay?” Tristan asked, as he casually made his way toward me.

  “Yeah, I—I—I’m sorry I said that about your sister.”

  “Don’t be. She likes to cause trouble.”

  “Still, what I said was—”

  “What you needed to say.”

  I nodded.

  “Anyway, if I don’t see you before the formal tomorrow night—”

  “About that,” I interrupted. “I’ve changed mind. I’d love to go with you.”

  “Really?” He threw his arms around my body and lifted me off the ground, spinning us around.

  “Tristan!” I laughed. “Put me down. We’re going as friends, remember?”

  “Of course.” He placed me back down and raised the back of my hand to his lips. “The best of friends.”

  I quirked my eyebrow, slid my hand free, and shook my head as I walked up my driveway. “See you tomorrow.”

  Tristan disappeared behind the fence, and when I heard the front door of his house swing shut, I slumped to my bum on the backdoor step and pulled Connor’s note out of my pocket, my hand trembling as I unravelled two words that meant more than anyone could ever know.

  Ever after

  The ink blurred before me, tears streaking down my face. Clearly, ever after really did end.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Connor

  One hundred and sixty-one days. That was how long it had been since I’d last seen Ellie—on the night of my birthday. When we’d made love right before she walked out of my life for the second time—a bitter fucking sweet birthday present. Against every doubt that stabbed me on the inside, I’d done my best to respect her wish for distance and to focus all energy on studying, but damn it had hurt like hell. Every time I opened my eyes; Hell. Every time I picked up my guitar; Hell. Every goddamn waking minute; Hell.

  When she stepped onto the bus yesterday, the sight of her had nearly knocked the wind right out of me. There was so much I’d wanted to ask her and so much I’d wanted to say. I even ran to her house when she didn’t follow me off the bus. I was going to tell her the three words she wanted to hear, even though they didn’t mean as much as what I’d written in the note I gave her. I was going to tell her I was done having a breather, that school was finished, and that I wanted my Ellie back, for good. Forever. But then I saw Tristan hold her in his arms, her eyes sparkling like they’d once done for me, and I realised I’d waited too long.

  I’d lost her.

  “Connor! Get dressed. You’re running out of time.” My bedroom door swung open and Mum stormed into my room. “What are you doing? You have less than thirty minutes before you pick that Lilah girl up. Come on, hurry up.” Her tiny fingers took hold of my shirt and wrenched it over my head. “Get in the shower, now!”

  “I’m not going.” I placed my guitar down. I don’t even know why I picked it up in the first place. I couldn’t play it. Not without Ellie.

  “You will put on your suit and you will enjoy your formal. You’ve been through so much and worked so hard. You’re going.”

  “Mum!”

  Her eyes bore into mine. “One word, Connor Bourke: car.”

  “Mum, I’m eighteen. You can’t confiscate my car.”

  “Try me!”

  “Argh! Fine. I’ll go.”

  “Good.”

  She blinked.

  I blinked.

  We both blinked.

  “I can’t get dressed with you standing here.”

  “Right. I’ll wait downstairs. The clock is ticking.”

  Mum left my room, but not before laying my suit on the bed and pointing to her watch. I groaned. The last thing I wanted was to see Ellie with that scumbag while having to fend off Lilah’s relentless flirting. She’d stepped it up a notch ever since Mum forced me to ask someone to go to the formal with me, even though Lilah knew me asking her was nothing more than us being friends … and because I didn’t want to lose my car. I’d made that clear.

  Pride was a hard thing to swallow, but I forced it down, showered, and suited up. I also grabbed a small bottle of Bourbon I’d received as a birthday present and hid it in my jacket pocket. All my life, I’d done the right thing, been the voice of reason, never put a foot wrong. But, tonight, if I was going to have to endure seeing Ellie with another guy, then good ol’ Jim Beam was going to help me do it.

  “What have you got that for?” Lilah asked as she unlatched her seat belt.

  I cut the engine to my car and glanced out the window toward Eastside Reception Centre before passing her the bottle of bourbon. “To drink, of course.”

  “What? Tonight?”

  “Yep.”

  She unscrewed the lid, inhaled the liquor, and smiled. “Is there an after-party or something?”

  “No, not that I know of.”

  “But you’re driving. You can’t drink and drive.”

  I swiped the bottle from her hands. “One swig won’t hurt.”

  Lilah clamped her teeth down on her ruby red lip, her black pencil-rimmed eyes gleaming mischievously. “Such a naughty boy, Connor Bourke.”

 
Chugging down a mouthful, my eyes raked her appearance as I welcomed the sweet burn sliding down my throat. In true Lilah fashion, she’d gone for a tight, low-cut, long black dress with a leg split the size of the Grand Canyon. Her tits were spilling out of her bra, and she was showing more skin than not. Her face was artfully painted, her hair down and curled, and if her heels were any fucking higher she’d be the one towering over me. I wouldn’t exactly say she looked trashy, but elegant definitely wasn’t a word that came to mind either.

  “Like what you see?” she drawled, playfully.

  I didn’t have the heart to say ‘not exactly’, because I wasn’t an arsehole, so I let slip a little white lie instead. “You look beautiful.”

  She blushed and snatched the bottle from me, tipping it to her lips. “Thanks. You look pretty hot too. I’m liking the ponytail. You haven’t worn one in … months.”

  I ran my hand down my hair; almost imagining it was Ellie’s hand and not mine. She’d had a habit of doing that when we watched movies together and I’d always loved it, even her little tug at the end.

  “Okay, that’s enough,” I said, snatching the bottle back before Lilah skolled the contents. I needed it more than she did. I needed it to erase everything I was bloody thinking. “You’re underage, remember?”

  She scoffed then laughed. “Oooh, does that make you my older man?”

  “No.” I raised an eyebrow; I wasn’t her anything.

  “Geez, Connor, ease up and have another drink. Clearly, you need it.”

  I did, and I was about to put the bottle in my glovebox when, from out of the corner of my eye, a flash of red caught my attention. My heart hammered in my chest, and I froze in my seat, my arm suspended over the dashboard. Across the car park was Ellie, dressed from head to toe in red, one of her big bows from when we first met perfectly secured in her gorgeous hair. Her beauty made the strongest parts of me weak; I couldn’t move, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t speak. But it was her laugh that rendered me immobile, the sparkle in her eyes and the joy that burst from her mouth. I loved it, every part of it, except I wasn’t the one currently drawing it from her as I sat in my car with Lilah. Tristan was.