by A B Turner
After dropping Cal off at his school, I walked quickly down the road to my own, much as I loved my little brother, I always looked forward to this time, it was mine. I didn’t have to make sure he didn’t fall over or walk into anything, I didn’t have to carry his things and, best of all, I could just be an ordinary 12 year old girl and not some kind of mother. When I reached the gates, Louise was waiting for me, we had been best friends for as long as we could remember and it made me smile just to see her broad grin. Her wild mane of deep brown curls were tied back into a kind of lose ponytail which I knew she hated,
“Don’t say it,” she began, “Mum did this to me because we have sports today, she pulled my hair back so tight, I’m sure my eyes have moved to the side of my face.”
I laughed as we joined all the other kids walking into school, we had almost reached the main doors, when we both noticed a crowd gathering around the noticeboard,
“What’s going on?” I asked, Louise shrugged,
“Probably another of those lame charity things, where we all pay money to dress up like a superhero for the day, do you remember the last one? Stephen Thomas turned up as Superman with his tights stuffed with socks and Mrs Chambers made him go the boys’ room and pull them all out.”
I laughed again,
“That’s a mental image I could have done without ever seeing.”
By the time we joined the group, it was slightly smaller so, at least, we could see the top of the poster, it said something about a band night, as I shared this with Louise, an excited group of girls at the front were practically hysterical with excitement. As they babbled to each other, those of us at the back got all the relevant information. It seemed the school was having a music night, with live bands playing and a real DJ, it was some kind of fundraiser. As Louise and I edged our way to the front, we couldn’t help but get caught up in the excitement, this was by far, the best news we had heard in ages. As I read, Louise’s mood seemed to change,
“There’s an admission fee to get in,” she said quietly, “did you see?”
At first I couldn’t understand why this was the cause of her gloom, but then I remembered her Dad had recently lost his job, so maybe money was a problem,
“Don’t worry,” I replied firmly, “I’ve got money saved, I have enough for both of us.”
She looked shyly at me,
“Really? You would do that for me?”
“Of course, you’re my best friend, it wouldn’t be the same without you,” I insisted, “I mean how could I go without someone who is as bad at social situations as I am?”
She chuckled and gave me a quick hug, but then her face changed again,
“But what about Cal? You always have to look after him.”
I was about to answer when the shrill school bell interrupted our conversation, announcing the beginning of the day, we grabbed our bags and raced inside. As we scrambled through the bustling corridors, my mind was strangely focussed on one simple thought, whatever it took, I was going to this night with Louise.
Chapter Two
For the first few days after we’d seen the sign, it seemed there was no time to even talk to Mum about it, which was no real surprise, but for the most part, her absence hadn’t really mattered, but now, it did. At last, I realised, perhaps my best chance was Sunday morning, as she rarely left the house before lunch and was usually in a relatively good mood. Once I checked in with Cal and made sure he was occupied, I went downstairs and into the kitchen. Mum was sitting at the table, a half-drunk coffee was next to her as she stared down at the newspaper. I went to the fridge on the pretence of getting a drink, but it was more about trying to check out her expression and see if I could work out how she was, I saw a half-smile so it seemed like as good a moment as any. I sat down opposite her, took a deep breath and began,
“Mum, can I talk to you?”
“Sure” she mumbled, still gazing down at her paper, the all too familiar ball of rage I carried inside me, started to quiver, as I felt a slight wave of annoyance begin to grow,
“Mum,” I persisted, trying not to betray my frustration, “Could you please just stop reading for a moment?”
I saw her sigh as she carefully folded the paper,
“OK, what’s so important?” she said wearily, I took another deep breath and began explaining about the band night, the more I spoke, I could hear myself almost gabbling as the potential excitement of the event started to take hold of my mind and imagination. Mum remained impassive and, there were moments, I wasn’t even sure she was listening, but as soon as I paused for a breath, it was clear she’d heard every word,
“So this band night, does it cost money because..”
“I have my own money,” I interrupted.
“How are you getting there? And how about getting back, you know you can’t just..”
“Louise’s mother said she would bring me home,” I blurted out, not knowing if this was actually true, but it seemed possible and I was desperate to give Mum no possible excuse to refuse. She sat back in her chair and took a long sip of coffee, her eyes didn’t leave mine for even a second. After what seemed like forever, she sighed again,
“It seems you’ve thought of everything,” she said quietly.
“So can I go?” I asked excitedly, hardly daring to believe she was actually going to let me go with Louise.
Mum paused,
“What about Cal? Who’s going to look after him?” her voice sounded flat, almost without any emotion attached at all. I don’t know if it was that or the fact she didn’t seem to recall any time I’d asked for something, which made the ball of rage suddenly explode inside me. I slapped my hand down hard on the table,
“How about his mother? That would make a nice change!” I yelled, I saw her eyes instantly narrow,
“Watch how you speak!” she snapped back coldly, but there was no holding back,
“Every day I look after Cal, every night I look after Cal, is it so much to ask I have one night when I can just be me, he’s not my son!”
Now it was Mum’s turn to stand up, her hands in tight balls clamped on to the edge of the table,
“I work to give us all somewhere to live, is it so much to ask you help out?”
I spun round and faced her, I could feel my cheeks red and flushed with pure anger,
“Help out!” I screeched back, “I do everything around here!”
We glared at each other, for the briefest second I thought I had won the argument, but then I saw a slight smile cross her face,
“You do everything, do you?” she began slyly, “Well then you sort out who looks after Cal.”
I slammed my hand down again, this time so hard, the coffee cup toppled, spilling its contents all over the table,
“Oh and clear that up,” she added, an unmistakable glint of triumph flashing in her bright eyes, I was rendered speechless as the ball of rage seemed to overcome my whole body, she turned away from me and walked towards the door, within a heartbeat, I picked up the cup and hurled it at her. The cup shattered just to the left side of her head, she turned back and was about to speak when the back door swung open and in walked Uncle Jim,
“Is everything alright? I heard a smash.”
When neither Mum or I spoke, he looked from one of us to the other,
“I don’t mean to interfere, but can I help?”
“Not unless you can remind her she’s supposed to be a mother,” I snorted derisively, gesticulating in my mother’s general direction. I saw her eyes flash at me again before she turned to Jim,
“It seems she wants to go out and leave Cal here by himself,” she explained, each word drenched in heavy sarcasm.
There weren’t words now, so I just let out a yell of frustration at her attitude and slammed the table again. Uncle Jim pushed his hat towards the back of his head, like he did whenever he was thinking,
“Well, can I help out?” he asked, “I mean I’m here anyway, maybe Cal could help me put the animals to bed, w
e could make a bit of dinner and I could stay until one of you gets back.”
I knew, at that moment, as I heard those words, I had never loved anyone more than Uncle Jim, I looked back at Mum.
“That’s very kind of you, Jim, but I don’t want to put you to any trouble,” she said, her voice sounded sincere and almost kindly, but I knew what she was doing, she was stopping me from finally getting my own way for once, I was about to protest which Jim seemed to pick up on immediately,
“It’s no problem at all, like I said, I’m here and it does seem like a long time since Chicky last went out,” he added, while resting his hand on my quivering shoulder, as if trying to somehow calm my temper. Mum’s eyes darted from his face to mine, with every fibre of my being, I tried not to betray even the slightest hint of emotion because I knew, if she felt I had somehow won, she would find another reason to stop me. After a few tense moments, she sighed again,
“Well, as you seem very sure, Jim, alright you can go to your precious music night, even though, you should be grounded for how you spoke to me.”
I was about to speak, but I felt Uncle Jim’s hand tighten slightly, as if warning me not to say any more, so I just thanked them both and headed towards the kitchen door. As soon as I was in the hallway, I ran up the stairs, the rage having now become a glowing ball of excited anticipation, as I turned on to the landing, I nearly fell over Cal as he came out of his room. I stopped dead in my tracks and looked at him, he was holding his favourite train in his tiny hands but his large eyes seemed almost ready to cry,
“What’s up?” I asked, trying to catch my breath,
“I heard you fighting with Mummy,” he said softly, “I’m sorry I make you miss things, when I’m bigger, you can go wherever you want.”
I pulled him close and then knelt down so I was at eye level with him,
“Cal, you and me, we are a team, aren’t we?”
He slowly nodded.
“I’m your sister and it’s my job to look after you, it’s just this one time I really want to go out and if it was allowed, I’d bring you, really I would, but it’s only for kids from my school,” I explained while trying not to acknowledge the pang of guilt I was now feeling,
“And anyway, did you hear? You’re going to look after all the animals with Uncle Jim, so you’re going to have the best of times too.”
Cal smiled,
“Do you think he will let me sit on one of the horses? Maybe Pepper?”
I beamed back at him,
“If you do everything he tells you to do, he might even let you ride a horse around the yard,” I replied.
“Like a proper cowboy,” Cal said firmly, I laughed and hugged him again, perhaps slightly too tightly because I felt him pull away,
“I have to breathe you know,” he gasped, I chuckled again, “Right I’d better find my hat,” he added and raced back into his room. I walked down the landing to my own and closed the door, it hardly seemed possible, I was going to the band night and, thanks to Uncle Jim, for once, I didn’t have to be responsible. I could hardly wait to tell Louise the next morning, so after seeing Cal into school, I raced to my own and, as soon as I saw her, I began gabbling about my fight with Mum, how I had won and now we were going to probably the best thing our lame old school had ever organised. Louise grinned and as soon as I paused to breathe, she spoke,
“I guessed something had happened, your Mum called mine early this morning to check she was okay with driving us..”
I threw my bag down in disgust,
“No doubt hoping your Mum would say no, Jesus, that woman!”
Louise touched my arm, her eyes looking straight into mine,
“Calm down, it’s all fine, Mum just said it was all arranged, she was pretty convincing.”
Her tone was soft and filled with a combination of reassurance for me and unmistakable admiration for her mother. As we walked into school, I couldn’t help but feel the slightest pang of jealousy, I wished I could have that kind of relationship with my Mum.
The days leading up to the band night were filled with talk of who was going, what we were going to wear and what might happen, it felt so completely unlike how my normal life had been. For so long, every waking moment had been looking after Cal, doing the washing, cooking and being responsible. I still had those things to do, but somehow, I didn’t feel as ‘heavy’ as I usually did, which made even the most boring stuff seem not so bad. Thankfully, as I didn’t see much of Mum for most of the time, I didn’t have to deal with her, when our paths did cross, she was as distant as ever, which suited me just fine. At last, it was Friday afternoon and the big night was only a matter of hours away. I had asked Cal to try and be quick out of school and, for once, he appeared at the classroom door with all the others and wasn’t carrying something ridiculously awkward, which would make catching the bus, a struggle. As we headed to the bust stop, I glanced across the road at the library clock, we had several minutes before our bus was due which made me sigh with relief. Cal was chatting away about his day, I knew I should be listening, but the truth was, my head was already at the band night so it was only when he cried out, I was snapped back to the present.
“What’s up, Cal ?” I asked.
He had stopped dead in his tracks, his small face filled with unmistakable sadness,
“I forgot my reading book,” he said mournfully, “I tried to rush and I left it behind.”
My heart sank, I looked over at the clock again, I knew there wouldn’t be time to get back to his school, find the stupid book and be back for the bus,
“Do you really need it?” I asked, “if we go back now, we will miss the bus.”
Cal’s expression seemed to harden, and for the first time ever, he resembled Mum,
“I need my book,” he repeated firmly before spinning on his heel and starting to walk back up the road. Before he had taken more than three steps, I grabbed his arm,
“We don’t have time!” I repeated, “We are not missing this bus, Cal, so deal with it.”
I knew I was snapping at him and I also knew, at any moment, he would probably start to cry, so without looking at him, I marched up to the bus stop, all but dragging him with me. I felt selfish, but I had waited so long for this night, I couldn’t risk anything spoiling it, after all, who knew when I would have another chance to just be ‘me.’
We boarded the bus in silence and Cal stared out of the window, his jaw firmly set in a huge sulk. Throughout the ride home, I wanted to say something, after all, I usually did, but there was still, small voice inside my head repeating, over and over,
“Don’t give in, this is your turn and it’s just a book which he probably wouldn’t read any way.”
We only had a few minutes left when Cal turned to me, and, as always, he turned my mood around in a heartbeat,
“Will you do me a note for Monday? For my teacher? I should have filled in my reading diary.”
I smiled,
“Of course I will, and how about I lend you one of my books and we read a bit from one, we can put that in the diary instead?”
His angry little face broke into a broad grin,
“That would be good,” he answered happily, before talking excitedly about all the things he would be doing with Uncle Jim and I listened intently, as it felt the very least I could do for him. He was still chatting as we walked up the lane,
“I don’t know why you want to go and see some boring music, when you could be helping with the animals?” he asked seriously, I couldn’t help but laugh,
“It’s true, you are the lucky one, Cal.”
As we reached the front door, I heard Uncle Jim call out from the field,
“Hey Chicky, when do you need me over there?”
Cal and I ran to the gate, as he ambled up to meet us, his bright eyes sparkling even though beads of sweat were visible on his forehead. He took off his hat and wiped his face with the sleeve of his plaid shirt,
“Hi Uncle Jim!” called Cal excitedly wa
ving, even though the man was no more than a few metres away.
“Hello Buddy, are you ready to put in some hard hours around the place?” Jim replied ruffling Cal’s hair.
“Yes, and I have my hat too,” Cal answered cheerily. Jim winked at me and then turned to face Cal with a mock-serious expression,
“Good to know you’re ready, no room for time wasters here.”
Cal jumped down from the bottom rung of the gate,
“I’d better go and get my hat now,” he said hurriedly before scampering up the remainder of the path and into the house. As we watched him go, I thanked Jim again for looking after Cal, he looked almost embarrassed at my perhaps gushing words and assured me again, it was no problem at all. We arranged for him to be at the house by 6, as this would give me time to give Cal a snack and to get ready, Jim put his hat back on and set off back across the field. As I watched him walk, the same familiar thought occurred to me, Mum was a fool for not seeing what a great man he was and being with him. She never talked about our Dad, it was obvious he must have hurt her, but that was years ago now, even I had trouble trying to remember what he even looked like any more. But for whatever reason, she didn’t seem to want to know about having someone new, even someone like Uncle Jim, who I was pretty sure liked her. I had seen him, more than once, looking at her and smiling himself, perhaps imagining she was his wife. I mean, even though she wasn’t my favourite person, there was no denying she was an attractive woman and could probably be charming, in the right circumstances. I was so lost in these thoughts, Uncle Jim was at the far side of the field before I suddenly realised the time. I half-ran into the house and raced up the stairs, stripping off my school uniform as I went,
“Are you in the bathroom, Cal?” I yelled as I flew into my bedroom and tossed my bag on to the cluttered floor,
“No,” he answered.
I beamed and grabbed a towel from the rail,
“Just having a quick shower, be out in a minute,” I called back excitedly, as I could start to feel the growing anticipation for my night out.