by A B Turner
“Oh that really is horrible! There is something very wrong with someone who would want that on their wall, bleurgh!”
Caroline seemed unmoved by their behaviour, instead she moved closer to the picture and began studying every detail, talking to herself as she noticed every nuance and brush stroke,
“Really quite extraordinary,” were the only audible words she uttered for at least five minutes, while Jack and Cyrus kept their distance, as if expecting something to leap out of the picture at any moment, I watched all three of them with interest, after all, it always did seem amazing, when one piece of art could cause such extremes, I’d seen it several times since I’d begun working at the gallery.
“So Caroline, should we start on the plan for the exhibition?” I asked, trying to restore some semblance of professionalism to the room. She nodded and the four of us moved into the office to work through the logistics of how best to display the work, while respecting the guidelines set out by the artist himself. After several hours of deliberation, followed by more of actually placing the pictures on the walls, our work was done, at least for that day. Cyrus was the first to suggest it was time to leave, citing his alleged hunger for a good meal and his deep-seated need to get away from the artwork. Jack instantly agreed but, at first, Caroline seemed reluctant to call it a day, but the lure of Chinese food at Jack’s place was ultimately too strong for her to resist. As for me, I wanted just to get home, but Cyrus insisted I join him for dinner,
“You can’t expect me to eat alone, I shall be a social pariah if that news got out,” he complained, “I have my reputation to consider.”
Knowing it would be less than pointless to argue, I agreed, on the strict condition, we would be home by midnight,
“Alright Cinderella, I suppose we can’t allow the clocks to chime and you turn into a beautiful princess..that’s my life’s purpose.”
After saying goodnight to the others, Cyrus and I walked to ‘Hugo’s’, a small Italian restaurant which had great food and a relaxed atmosphere. As we surveyed the menu, we talked about the romance between Jack and Caroline,
“Perhaps you should talk to her, “Cyrus began, when he could see I was slightly bemused by his statement, he continued, “Woman-to-woman, about sex and what it can mean.”
“She’s a grown woman!” I exclaimed, slightly louder than I’d intended as other diners looked over at me, so, much to Cyrus’ amusement, I whispered, the rest of my sentence, “She must have had boyfriends before.”
My words clearly had little or no effect on Cyrus who suggested perhaps he should talk to Jack,
“Why?” I gasped, “What would make you think that’s a good idea?”
He sighed,
“I don’t know, they’re just so sweet and innocent, I feel like we are like their work parents and we should be guiding them.”
Thankfully, the wine arrived at the table and I poured us both a large glass,
“Drink your wine, sweetheart, and let’s toast the fact, we are not their parents because they would be in so much trouble if we were.”
At that moment, a waiter appeared and gave me a folded sheet of paper,
“This is for you, from the gentleman at the bar.”
I thanked him and read the note and saw it was from Nick, I glanced over and he waved,
“Well, what does it say?” Cyrus queried, between mouthfuls of the delicious pasta.
“Seems he wants us to meet up later, if I’m not going home with you.”
Cyrus laughed, causing a piece of tomato to catch in his throat, he grabbed the wine and swigged it down,
“Are you alright?” I asked, slightly concerned by his reaction, but not surprised, he nodded and smiled,
“So you’re going to say yes to him?” he asked, I shook my head and tore up the note,
“Have you forgotten he’s married? Absolutely not,” I said firmly, well aware Nick would have seen everything and I secretly wished I could glance round and catch his expression.
“Good for you,” Cyrus agreed, “It’s always a treat to witness someone finding a moral backbone, even if it’s a teeny,tiny one.”
I thanked him and we toasted morality, while the irony of such a toast, was not lost on either of us. The rest of our meal passed without any further interruptions, as always, we shared the bill and walked outside.
“Thank you for coming, I just wasn’t feeling like dining alone tonight,” Cyrus said quietly, I hugged him while checking again, if he was really alright,
“Oh I’m alright, my darling, just feeling a bit sorry for myself, much as it pains me to admit it, I miss David, but naturally I shall deny I ever said that, if you repeat it to anyone…” I quickly assured him, as always, his secrets were safe with me, a half-smile crossed his face, as he quickly added,
“But tomorrow? When I see that reflection? The world will be sparkling again.”
I smiled and kissed his cheek,
“See you tomorrow, sweet dreams.”
After one last goodnight, we headed in our separate ways, I had barely turned the corner, when I realised a car was clearly following me, so I walked a little quicker but it didn’t leave my side. I knew I had two options, I could run but the fact was, the car was always going to be faster, so I went for the second option, I turned and yelled at the driver,
“What’s your problem?”
The car window glided down silently, to reveal Nick smiling at me,
“I wanted to ask you the same thing, I mean, all I did was send you a polite note, did you have to rip it up?”
Realising he wasn’t going to go away, I stopped and faced him,
“Yeah, I did, you see I feel very uncomfortable when a man wants to see me later, when he has a wife at home, you know what they say two’s company and, in this case, three would most definitely be a crowd.”
Nick smiled,
“Not always, but I get your point, so can we talk at least?” he asked hopefully, quickly adding, “We do share a past moment.”
Despite myself, I had to smile, something he seized upon immediately,
“Ha! See? You do like me.”
“It doesn’t matter if I do or I don’t, you’re married and I don’t mess with other peoples’ relationships,” I replied, “It’s just not what I’m about.”
Nick’s car pulled up at the kerb and he got out,
“Look, I really mean, just talk,” he began, “It’s been a long time since anyone remembered me as a real musician and not just a guy in an office who tells other people what to do, I miss it, you know? I miss walking out on a stage, I miss playing my own songs but most of all, I miss being just Nick.”
It was impossible not be moved by his words, although a small voice in my head, did try and warn me, this was all probably part of a well-rehearsed game plan to get women into bed. But as I looked at him, those amazing eyes looking straight into mine, that voice was drowned out by the sound of me deciding, I was more than capable of spending an hour or two with this man, without anything other than talking, happening between us. After all, I was a grown woman, experienced in life – in some ways too much- so what was the worse that could happen? He oversteps the mark and I throw him out of my apartment. It sounded simple, but like most things, what sounds easy as a theory turns out to be virtually impossible in practice. I invited him back to my place, we drank hot chocolate, as I didn’t want to risk any choices I might make, being affected by alcohol and we just talked. When he spoke about music, his whole face lit up and he looked no different from that boy I’d seen on stage so many years ago. He asked about my work at the gallery, what made me happy or sad, and as I spoke, he focused on me, like everything I said, was the most fascinating thing he’d ever heard. It was only when I went back to the kitchen to wash up the cups, I realised how late it was,
“Nick, it’s gone 2.00 am, won’t your wife be wondering where you are?” I asked, struggling to hide my disappointment that our evening might well be over. He shook his head,
“No, she’s used to me being away overnight, as I am her..it’s a part of the life we have.”
I kicked off my shoes and wandered back to the sofa,
“I know I have no right to ask, but are you happy together?”
He thought, for a moment, I started to feel as if I had crossed some boundary of what was okay for us to talk about, but he quickly put my mind at ease,
“You see, we walked into our relationship, completely understanding what our lives were like, we both know about the temptations, the excesses and the pressures, so we agreed, whatever we did apart , we must never lose our respect for each other, never cause unnecessary hurt or embarrassment and, most importantly of all, there are certain things which we only do with each other..”
I was immediately awash with curiosity about this last remark, but clearly it was not something I could ask,
“And has that worked?” I asked instead of what I really wanted to know, he grinned,
“So far and I see no reason why it won’t continue, but what about you? Was that guy you were with at the restaurant someone special?”
I laughed out loud,
“Cyrus! Oh he is definitely special but in answer to your other question, no, I don’t have anyone.”
He looked curiously at me,
“Is that by choice? I mean, look at you, you’re an attractive, intelligent woman, I’m sure you could have anyone you wanted.”
I shifted in my seat, I suddenly felt slightly uncomfortable and I wasn’t absolutely sure why, he clearly picked up on this and apologised for prying into my personal life. I shook my head and assured him it was fine, after all, I had asked about his marriage,
“I suppose it comes down to liking my freedom, to be able to do whatever I want without being answerable to anyone else,” I continued, he nodded in agreement,
“I get that, but that kind of freedom can get lonely.”
We sat in silence, both lost in thought, I didn’t know what he was thinking, but I knew -without a doubt- I wanted to spend the night with him which went against everything I’d said about married people, but there was just something about him. I looked over at him, it took every last drop of willpower not to just lean across and kiss him, framed in the flickering half-light of the candles, he looked almost beautiful. But the truth was, I wasn’t sure if it was just my twelve year old self encouraging me to live out the fantasy that had, on some level, begun that night at school. There was no escaping the fact, I had never been with anyone who seemed so comfortable in their own skin, there was no nervous fidgeting, no real hesitation in his speech, it was fascinating and a little unnerving, all at the same time. I found myself wanting to be like that, to not feel like a schoolgirl meeting her first crush, but there was an unmistakable sense, somewhere deep within me, this could just be what it was and nothing more. But the more we talked, I found myself relaxing and truly communicating with him, there was no reliance on the tried and tested moves, which had worked so often before, when I was trying to keep someone at arm’s length. Any kind of need to be anything other than completely myself evaporated, and all that was left, was an overwhelming desire just to be with him. When he turned to face me, everything I was feeling must have been in my expression, as he leaned forward and kissed me softly, gently parting my lips with his tongue, as his hands pulled me closer to his body. Whatever principles I had thought I could maintain, instantly crumbled away and faded into the candlelight, he felt too good, I wanted him too much. I stood and took his hand without taking my eyes from his gaze, there was no need to speak now, all that mattered was being with him and whatever happened tomorrow, well, that was another day.
When I awoke the next morning, it was to the heady aroma of fresh coffee drifting through the open door from the kitchen. I stretched out under the covers, I felt nothing less than wonderful, with every skin cell seemingly remembering just how incredible the night had been. When Nick came back into the bedroom, he was fully dressed and carrying just one cup of coffee which he carefully handed to me,
“Last night was amazing,” he began quietly, “I still can’t quite believe it.”
I sipped the coffee while assuring him, I felt exactly the same way, but I knew, even before he continued speaking, what was to come next,
“So because of that, I don’t think I can see you again, you see, you were supposed to be like the others, but you’re not..” he paused, before adding quietly, “ I hope you understand.”
At that moment, he looked both apologetic and strangely vulnerable,
“Like I said last night..”
I knew he was about to mention his wife and I didn’t want her here, even as nothing more than a name, I wanted these last few moments to be about him and me, so I interrupted him by saying I completely understood and it was all fine. He smiled gratefully, as he’d obviously expected some kind of confrontation and was relieved it wasn’t going to happen.
As he stood up from the bed, I wanted to grab his hand and pull him back between the rumpled sheets, but I knew whatever time we’d shared, was over, so when he kissed my cheek, I just smiled and wished him well. When I offered to see him out, he insisted I stay in bed and enjoyed my coffee, so I was left with nothing more than watching him leave my bedroom and the sound of the front door closing, signalling the fact, he had really gone.
I slumped back on my pillow and slid my hand under the sheets, they were still warm from his body, I could still smell him on my body and I had absolutely no intention of moving until there was no part of him – real or imagined- for me to savour. As I laid there, I closed my eyes and relived every touch, every move, every kiss and every last emotion he had brought out in me. It seemed almost strange that I, of all people, could be feeling this way, after all, wasn’t I the one who had been with countless men, had too many meaningless encounters? Yet here I was. Perhaps somehow, mad as it sounded, that 12 year old girl had known, when she’d looked into his eyes, this man would be someone special, she just could have had no idea, he would be more than she could ever have imagined. My thoughts were abruptly interrupted by the phone ringing on my bedside table, for no more than a second, I thought it might be him but instead it was Cyrus,
“Hello there! Is there any chance of you joining us today? I’m asking for a friend.”
“Let me just get showered and dressed, I’ll be there within the hour,” I replied, hardly bothering to disguise my annoyance at being disturbed, I could hear Cyrus about to speak again, but I hung up before I heard any more. I knew he would know what happened, I also knew he would want to hear all the details, but not this time, this time he was going to be disappointed. I had no intention of sharing a single moment, it was mine to keep, because, as I wandered into the bathroom, I knew, I might never have another time. As I suspected, when I finally did arrive at the gallery, Cyrus could hardly contain his curiosity but my singular answers made it clear, the subject was already closed. Whether it was my feelings being all over the place or simply being tired, the Paternoster exhibition set up just didn’t work for me, whichever way we displayed the pictures. After almost five hours of hanging and re-hanging each image, the four of us decided to take a break for lunch. As soon as Jack and Caroline left, Cyrus asked me if I was alright, but not in a prying way, more out of genuine concern.
“I’m fine, really, just tired and I can’t seem to get any kind of feeling for this exhibition,” I explained wearily.
“I know what you mean,” he replied, “I don’t even want to get close to these pictures, it’s like being in one of those movies, when lightning hits and everything suddenly comes alive.”
His sheer horror at his own thoughts made me chuckle,
“Don’t worry sweetheart, I’ll save you..”
“Really?”
“Oh absolutely,” I assured him, “Unless it’s that spider, if that thing so much as twitches, you’re on your own.”
He laughed nervously,
“Never let it be said you are anything but a true fr
iend.”
Suddenly the door burst open and we both nearly jumped out of our skins, but were relieved to see Jack standing there, clutching several bags of sandwiches, drinks and snacks, closely followed by Caroline. She looked at us both in turn,
“Are you two alright?”
I glanced at Cyrus, he had visibly blanched, so I quickly assured her we were fine, just hungry and slightly frustrated by our lack of progress with this new exhibition.
“Well, perhaps after we’ve eaten, we’ll have some better ideas,” suggested Jack, carefully passing Cyrus one of the sandwich bags,
“I’m sure something will come to us,” added Caroline helpfully.
“And not for us, Cyrus,” I added cheerfully, Cyrus pulled a face before unwrapping his sandwich,
“If anything does, I’ll make sure it gets you first,” he replied, I giggled, especially when I saw the slightly confused expressions of the others.
“Don’t worry Jack, they’re always like this, aren’t they? I gave up trying to work out what they’re talking about,” Caroline said, in such a matter of fact tone, I was almost insulted until I realised the simple truth of her words. As we sat on those floor cushions, eating delicious but huge sandwiches, while slurping iced Coke through straws, I knew, there was absolutely nowhere else I would rather be. As was so often the case, Caroline had been right and after a long afternoon which merged into an even longer evening, the collection was ready to be displayed, there was a palpable sense of relief between the four of us.
“I thought this was going to go on forever,” said Jack, wearily putting all his tools carefully back in the box, Caroline failed to stifle a yawn,
“I know, some exhibitions seem to flow and others are like this one, but, it’s done now..” she said, then turned to Cyrus to add,
“It is done?”
Cyrus nodded, as he studied the layout we had created,
“It is well within the artists’ brief and we’ve somehow managed to make it look slightly less than some kind of wildlife horror film, apart from the spider, we could have hung that thing up anywhere and it was always going to be nothing less than terrifying.”