by A B Turner
Reluctantly we looked at the giant arachnid again and collectively shivered,
“Let’s hope somebody buys it quickly and wants it shipped to somewhere, far, far away,” Caroline said in a hushed tone, as if she was worried, any sudden noise might wake the thing up! Cyrus chuckled, before staggering to his feet and walking to the office, he reappeared wearing his coat,
“Well, children, this has been fun, but now I must leave you, there’s a barman somewhere with my name on him.”
He tossed the gallery keys to me,
“Can you lock up, my darling?”
Before I had answered, he swept dramatically through the door and into the street, Jack offered to stay, but I insisted he and Caroline left for home, which was an offer I obviously didn’t need to make twice, as with the words having barely left my mouth, they were quickly out the door. As I started to turn everything off, the silence was broken by the sound of the phone ringing, as it was way after opening hours, I felt no rush to answer as I knew any message would be picked up by the answerphone. But when I heard Cal’s voice, I raced to the office, tripping on a stray piece of packing tape and almost falling into the desk. I grabbed the phone, still trying to regain some balance,
“Cal I’m here,” I gasped, “Is everything alright?”
I heard him laugh,
“I should be asking you, you sound weird.”
I explained about the tape and my subsequent fall, he laughed again,
“Should you be left alone anywhere?” he joked.
“Probably not,” I replied, slightly distracted, as I noticed, I’d ripped a seam in my jeans, after resolving to fix it at home, I turned my full attention to him.
“I was wondering if I could send you the pictures..” he began.. “Remember? You said to do them?” I had to force myself not to think of him as a little boy even though, as I listened to his hesitant voice, he didn’t seem to have changed at all.
“Of course I remember,” I replied firmly, “But why send them? You could come into the city, we’d look at your work and I could buy you lunch before you went home.”
“I don’t know..Mum might not like that too much,” he answered nervously, “You know what she’s like.”
But now the idea had taken root in my mind, I was not going to be so easily put off,
“Tell her I will meet you at the station and personally put you on the homeward one myself.”
I heard him take a deep breath,
“OK, I’ll come, I just hope the pictures are good enough.”
“Well, like I said Cal, no promises, but, if nothing else, you’ll get a professional opinion, I’ve already told Cyrus about them.”
He gasped,
“Really? And he wants to see them?” I could hear the growing excitement in his voice, I assured him, he would be treated like anyone else, but I believed, his work would be good enough for the upcoming emerging artist exhibition. After agreeing a time we would meet, I said goodbye to him, knowing the chances were, he wouldn’t even mention the visit to Mum, but as long as he was there when she got back from work, there would be no harm done. When I finally clambered into bed, my body decided to make it clear, I was exhausted even though my mind wanted to think about Nick, on this rare occasion, the latter was defeated by the former. I was so tired, I’m not sure I even had the energy or mental capacity to dream, even though it would have been nice to have revisited my night with Nick – even if it would only be a replay. Thankfully, when my alarm decided I’d slept enough, I didn’t struggle too much to wake up and prepare for my day. I quickly messaged Cyrus to explain I was meeting Cal, so I’d be late,
“I am so looking forward to meeting him, I’ve heard so much, it will be almost like a family affair between the three of us..” as he spoke I heard him laugh, “that didn’t quite come out as I’d hoped, but you understand what I’m saying.”
“On this occasion, unlike so many others, I can say, ‘yes Cyrus, I do.’”
I made my way to the station, allowing myself plenty of time before Cal’s train was due to arrive, after all, this was not the day to take chances. For once, as the station clock chimed, the train drew up at the platform and almost immediately, Cal appeared, stepping carefully down and then glancing around for me. I ran up and attempted to hug him, but he squirmed away from me,
“Careful,” he said, patting a large portfolio folder, “And don’t be embarrassing either.”
I wanted to override his wish and squeeze him even tighter, but instead, I settled for taking his arm and leading him though the crowded station. As we walked to the gallery, I kept assuring him, there was no reason to be anxious at all, the people I worked with, were supportive friends and also keen to view any and all new work. I could see, my words were not having the desired effect, as the merest glance at Cal’s expression, made it clear, he would have preferred to be going to the dentist for root canal surgery. I could only hope, when he met Cyrus, Caroline and Jack, his mind would be put at ease and he might even enjoy the experience. When we reached the main doors, Cal stopped suddenly and looked directly at me,
“Are you really sure about this?” he asked urgently, I nodded and reassured him, for the fourth time, it would be fine. I felt him take a huge deep breath, as I pushed open the doors and led him into the gallery. As I’d hoped, Jack was the first to approach us, extending his hand to Cal and shaking it warmly,
“Good to meet you,” he said, his broad friendly smile, probably the best kind of welcome for my little brother. Caroline, as always, seemed to appear by my side, without having made any visible journey to get there,
“Hi, I’m Caroline,” she said, preferring a quick wave to any kind of physical contact, Cal was about to speak when Cyrus walked out of the office,
“Hello Cal, I am so happy to meet you at last, I’ve heard so much about you,” he beamed and then looked at me,
“Any time you’re ready to introduce me?” he said almost haughtily,
I smiled,
“Cal, this is Cyrus, the self-proclaimed focal point of the whole gallery.”
Cyrus scowled at me before turning back to Cal,
“Your sister seems to have the misguided idea she’s amusing, has she always been that way?”
Cal shrugged his shoulders and smiled nervously,
“I suppose,” he began, “Although I’ve never found her funny.”
I lightly punched his arm, but Cal clapped with unmistakable pleasure,
“Good answer,” he laughed, then turned to me, “It’s funny, ‘cause it’s true, now give me a minute to clear the desk in the office, so we can see your work.”
As we watched him go back to the office, Cal leaned over and whispered in my ear,
“Is he always like that?”
“Sadly yes,” I replied smiling, “But he knows everything about art, Cal, he also knows everyone, but more importantly, he’s been a real friend to me and he could be for you too, so give him a chance, ok?”
Cal nodded and, when Cyrus appeared at the door and called,
“The doctor will see you now,” Cal visibly straightened up and strode across the gallery, when he realised I wasn’t following, he looked back,
“I can’t come in with you, this is a proper business meeting, Cal, but I’ll be here when you come out, I promise.”
When I saw the flicker of panic cross his face, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt, as I knew I should have warned him or, at least, prepared him better. But somehow I managed to show none of those emotions and just gave him an encouraging smile as I mouthed ‘Don’t Worry.’ Unfortunately, it was less than an hour, when Cal reappeared, his face like thunder as he threw the portfolio at me, causing the pictures to cascade out on to the floor. Caroline moved to pick them up, but Cal stopped her,
“Don’t bother, I can put them in the bin myself!” he snapped angrily, Caroline glanced at me, pure anxiety etched across her tiny face. Jack dropped a screwdriver and approached Cal,
“No need to sp
eak to her like that,” he said, his calm tone completely at odds with his undeniable anger. Cal squared up to the bigger man,
“Why? What are you going to do?”
I saw Jack’s jaw set, his eyebrows furrowed and there was no mistaking, he was now struggling not to react to this, as he saw it, arrogant young man. I quickly grabbed Cal’s arm, told him we were going for a walk and almost dragged him out of the gallery.
“What the hell happened?” I asked, Cal pulled away from me without answering, and stormed off down the street, almost knocking over an older man as he reached the traffic lights. I was about to go after him, when Cyrus appeared at my side,
“Let him go, my darling, he just needs to cool off,” when I didn’t move, he gently pulled me round to face him and cupping my chin in his hands he softly promised me, everything would work out.
“What was wrong with his pictures?” I asked sadly, “There seemed to be so much potential.”
Cal put his arm round my shoulder,
“Oh my darling girl, remember what I said about mixing family and work? It colours your opinion, clouds your judgement and understandably so because it’s hard to separate your professional head from your personal heart.”
“Is there no way he could make it as an artist?” I asked, still wishing there was some ray of hope, Cyrus sighed,
“If he worked, maybe studied for a couple of years, he could, perhaps do something.”
“And you told him that?” I persisted.
“I did, but as you saw, it wasn’t what he wanted to hear,” he replied firmly, “Anyway, let’s get on with some work and when he comes back, you can take him for lunch and maybe he will listen to you.”
He hugged me quickly before going back inside, I looked back up the street, just to see if there was any sign of Cal, but it was pretty obvious, finding his face amongst the crowded street was practically impossible. I wandered back into the gallery, feeling I had let him down and wondering if Mum had been right, perhaps it would have been better, to leave Cal with his dreams rather than forcing him to try and make them a reality. The day dragged, each hour taking a lifetime, as I seemed to spend the whole day looking at the door, hoping to see him, but as day faded into night, it seemed hopeless – even Cyrus was starting to worry.
“Should we call your home?” he asked, “Maybe he went back?”
“I don’t know what to do,” I replied sadly, I looked up and saw Caroline and Jack hovering by the office door, obviously not really knowing what to do, so I told them they could go,
“We really would prefer to stay,” Caroline answered, “Until we know everything is alright.”
After at least another two hours, suddenly the main doors burst open and Cal staggered into the gallery, he stumbled over one of the floor cushions and crashed to the floor. As I moved to help him, he glared at me,
“Don’t touch me, I’ve had enough of your help for one day.”
I stepped back as Jack moved forward,
“Come on buddy,” he said kindly, reaching out his hand to Cal, but his gesture was met with a sharp slap,
“I am not you buddy,” Cal slurred, “Only Uncle Jim calls me buddy.”
I could see Jack tense, thankfully so could Caroline and she rapidly suggested they leave, now that we knew Cal was safe. Cyrus was hesitant, at first, about leaving me with Cal, but he left too, when I promised him, I would call, if I needed anything. Cal overheard our conversation and somehow managed to get to his feet, as Cyrus left, Cal staggered to the main door and slammed it shut before turning to me,
“So now what? What’s your great plan? You do have a plan, don’t you?” he snarled, “After all, we are a team.”
His voice was harsh and filled with dark sarcasm and hurt, but I still thought I might be able to reason with him,
“Look, I know you’re disappointed..”
He cackled,
“You’re a fucking genius!” he yelled, “Don’t you get it? You’ve ruined everything for me!”
He jabbed his fingers so close to my face, I was almost expecting him to hit me,
“You did this, you knew I was going to fail, didn’t you?” he continued angrily, “Why would you do that?”
Even though I could rationally understand his disappointment, the hurt his ranting was causing me felt impossible to ignore,
“I haven’t ruined anything and I would never want you to fail, you know that,” I shot back, my sudden change of tone surprised him and he fell back against the wall,
“You’ve ruined it,” he said again, only now, the alcohol seemed to be hitting him and he slid down on to the floor.
“You’ve had everything else, look at you..” he slurred, “Nice place, nice friends, you got everything, just like always.”
This last comment hit a nerve deep inside me, I walked over to him, knelt down and looked him straight in the eye,
“Everything I have, I worked every hour to get, nobody gave me anything, Cal, no everything went to you and now, because someone says no to you, you’re a mess,” I suddenly felt angry with him which wasn’t what I’d wanted, but there it was, yet Cal was now so lost in his own emotions, he couldn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge mine,
“Uncle Jim is the only person who gives a damm about me, you know that? The only one,” he said sadly, his eyes no longer seeming able to focus at all.
“That’s not true,” I replied, I pushed a stray hair out of his eyes, “You’re my brother and I’ve always cared Cal, you know that.”
His head rolled back, heavily hitting the wall and he sighed,
“I don’t know what to do,” he said helplessly, “I really don’t.”
I sat down on the floor next to him, just in time to catch his head, as he slumped over, practically asleep, which allowed me to push his hair from his bloodshot eyes. After a few minutes, he stirred and looked up at me,
“I’m no good,” he mumbled, “I’m just no good as an artist or anything else.”
“That’s not true about you and that’s not what Cyrus said,” I replied gently, “You just need to learn a bit more, that’s all, you’re not quite ready yet.”
Cal’s head flopped back on to the floor,
“I just want to go home,” he said so quietly, I could only just hear him,
“You can stay with me tonight and go back in the morning,” I insisted, imagining the fallout from Mum if he came back in his current state and, more importantly, there was no way he could even move let alone travel. Cal didn’t answer, he was now fast asleep and as I sat, stroking his hair, as always, he seemed to look like a little boy. Thanks to a very understanding cab driver, I managed to get Cal back to my place and on to the sofa, I put a bowl next to him, in case he was sick, then I dragged myself off to bed. A day that had begun with such high hopes, seemed a distant memory, as I lay in the darkness, hoping my brother would feel better in the morning and not just from the alcohol. I awoke early the next morning and padded barefoot out of my bedroom, only to find the blanket on the floor and no sign of Cal. I called out, hoping he was perhaps in the bathroom, but, even as I said his name, I knew, by the growing unease in the pit of my stomach, he wouldn’t hear me. I sat down, at first, feeling nothing more than a weird kind of numbness, I had no idea what to do now and I wasn’t really sure I was capable of finding any kind of answer. I had failed Cal, that’s what it felt like, and for once, the omnipresent ball of rage was directed entirely at myself, I couldn’t blame Mum or Cyrus or anyone else..this mess was mine and, if it had been possible, I wanted to do something, anything to myself to relieve the building pressure I could feel inside. The ball of rage was growing, pouring itself, like searingly hot lava through every vein, Mum was right, I did always think I knew best, and if nothing else, there was no question at all, I knew nothing. I leapt up from the sofa and glared at my own reflection, but I hated what I saw so much, I smashed my hand into my own face, causing the glass to shatter and scatter uneven shards across the floor. I knelt down and as blood
seeped through my fingers, I sobbed uncontrollably, as if the rage volcano had been swamped by a tsunami of disappointment and loss as it felt as if Cal was gone, not just from this place but from me. Worse still it was my own fault, a thousand ‘if onlys’ flooded through my head, if only I hadn’t suggested he show Cyrus his art, if only I had just left things alone, if only I hadn’t left home in the first place, if only I hadn’t been so selfish, if only I hadn’t put my need for freedom before us…and worst of all, if only I could go back in time somehow and start again. I wouldn’t leave, I’d stay with him, encourage him to be at school, be there to make him feel less alone..that’s what I’d always promised him, right back when we were children, and I’d broken that promise. I must have sat on that floor for hours, as when I tried to move, the agony of stiff muscles made it almost impossible to stand up again. The phone had rung intermittently, but I hadn’t wanted to answer, I knew it wouldn’t be Cal and I also knew, I had no wish to talk to anyone else. I cleared up the broken glass, bandaged my hand and went back to bed for the rest of the day, half-sleeping and half-remembering those days, when we watched the clouds and we could make them into anything we wanted. It seemed a long time ago, but perhaps, if I could remember, Cal would too and that might just be the way back for us both.
It was early morning when I woke up, but it wasn’t the alarm but the sound of the phone ringing yet again, but this time, when I ignored it, within moments, it began again and again, each time somehow sounding more urgent than the time before. At last, I couldn’t even pretend to ignore it, so reluctantly I answered,
“Hello, who is…”
“Thank Christ!” screeched Cyrus, “Where the hell have you been? If you hadn’t picked up this time, my next call would have been the police.”
I assured him I was fine and explained a little about what had been happening over the past 24 hours, unusually for him, he was quiet and just listened until he was sure I was finished,