by A B Turner
I heard her gasp,
“I am so sorry, I would never have called if..”
“It’s fine,” I interrupted again, “You didn’t know, so just do what you think is right.”
Before she had a chance to say anything else, I put down the phone, thereby ending the call, within seconds, the phone rang again, I hesitated before answering, but for the second time, I knew I had to because of Mum. Thankfully, it wasn’t Caroline again, it was Louise, expressing her sadness at the news and offering to do anything I needed, the sound of her voice, filled with so much concern, was just too much and I completely broke down.
“I’ll be right over,” she said quickly and the phone fell silent.
After what felt like only a matter of moments, I heard her car arrive and she came into the kitchen, she said nothing at first, she just took me in her arms and held me tightly. When I’d finally managed to regain some level of composure, we went into the other room and sat together on the sofa. I told her everything Mum had told me, about my father appearing at the door and everything that had happened, Louise sat in silence, holding my hand. If she was shocked or angry, there was no strong emotion being shown, she’d obviously decided, being calm was best – or at least, appearing to be calm. When I’d finished talking, she shook her head in disbelief,
“I really don’t know what to say,” she said softly, “I wish I did.”
I squeezed her hand,
“There’s nothing you can say, but thank you for coming, I needed to talk to someone.”
“Where’s Cal?” she asked, glancing around the room ass if she expected him to appear at any moment, when I explained he was with Jim, she sighed heavily,
“He should be here, with you.”
“No Lou, he’s so angry and upset right now, it’s probably best,” I said, mildly surprised that despite everything he had said to me earlier, I was still defending him. I could see from her expression she wanted to argue, but thankfully she opted to let it go, instead offering to stay over with me herself. I thanked her but declined the offer, I suddenly felt unbelievably weary and just wanted to try and sleep. After making me promise to call her in the morning, she reluctantly left and I wandered back to my own room, but not before closing Mum’s bedroom door. I wasn’t sure why, but seeing it open felt wrong somehow. I fell on to my bed, curled up under the covers and forced myself to think of nothing other than closing my eyes.
The following days passed in a blur, I was working on some kind of autopilot, as I filled in official forms, made funeral arrangement, while attempting to hold on to some small moment of sanity. Cal played no real part in any of what was happening, when it began, I kept asking him for his thoughts on what Mum would have wanted, but his answer was always the same,
“You decide, this is too much for me, I can’t cope.”
At first, I tried to be understanding, but with each time he replied that way, I could feel the omnipresent ball of rage being fed with my frustration, so I would just say nothing more than a brusque ‘fine’ and continue dealing with everything alone. When the day of the funeral arrived, it took considerable persuasion from both Uncle Jim and me, to convince Cal he really had to attend. But he flatly refused to actively participate in any way, he just stood to the side of the whole day, while I greeted people, who Mum had either worked with at some time or old friends from long ago. My father didn’t come and I was thankful, I hadn’t had any chance to really speak to Cal about any of our background, and it didn’t seem this day was the right time. I had tried to talk to him several times, but again, he would just say, he couldn’t cope and walk away. I had chosen not to invite people back to the house after the funeral, mainly because aside from Kathy, Louise and Jim, I didn’t really know any of the others and this didn’t see, like the day to make small talk with strangers. Once I’d said goodbye to the last guest, I turned to Cal, who was still looking more petulant than grief stricken,
“Will you come back to the house?” I asked hopefully, “We need to start making some decisions.”
Cal scowled, but this time, I persisted,
“Not today, but we have to sort things out.”
He looked puzzled,
“What things? What has to change? She left everything to us both, so what do you mean?” Before I could answer, his expression changed, his face darkened and his eyes narrowed,
“If you think you can sell the place, you can forget that right now.”
His anger took me by complete surprise,
“I didn’t say anything about..” I stammered, but he interrupted again, his face no more than a few inches from mine,
“You’re not in charge any more, you can’t do a damn thing without me agreeing, so don’t think you can.”
“Cal, I just wanted us to sort through her things, that’s all, I had no thought of selling our home,” I explained, “I was just thinking maybe we could both choose something to keep, like maybe her watch or something.”
Cal eyed me suspiciously,
“So we will both choose? Together?” he said warily, I nodded,
“We are still a team, aren’t we?”
His face softened,
“Yes we are and I’m sorry for what I said, it’s just been a really difficult day.”
Part of me wanted to scream at him, it had been more than a difficult day for me, it had been a horrible time since Mum had died and he’d just left me to do everything, but, I said nothing other than accept his apology – I hated myself in that moment because it put into sharp unrelenting focus, I was still treating him like the little boy he was instead of the man he should be. But that day would come, I knew it, I could feel it as I watched him walk to the waiting car, but it wasn’t going to be today.
Chapter Twelve
A few days after the funeral, I finally managed to summon up the courage to go into Mum’s bedroom, it had remained untouched since she’d died, aside from when I’d briefly tidied up her bed and opened the window. As I sat on the edge of her bed, I felt deeply uncomfortable, like an intruder, but the fact was, I needed to work through her belongings and make some decisions. I called Cal into help me, more than once, until I finally lost patience and insisted he make some effort. He wandered into the room, clearly resenting the fact, he now had to act responsibly instead of relying on someone else to do everything for him. At first, he barely gave more than a cursory glance at anything I showed him, be it an old photo or official paperwork. But as time went on, despite himself, he started showing some genuine interest and we had soon sorted through not only her bedside table but her chest of drawers and wardrobe. We decided to donate most of her clothes to charity, as they were of no real value to either of us, although we both took one of her scarves as a keepsake. It was still possible to smell her perfume and make up on them, at least, that’s why I wanted one and I suspected Cal felt the same way. As we sat on the bed, Cal pointed to the top of her wardrobe,
“There’s something else up there, pushed against the wall, can you see?”
I stood on the bed and looked, at first, all I could see were a row of neatly-paired boots, but on closer inspection, it was clear there was definitely something else behind them. I jumped down, pulled a chair over and stood up, as soon as I was at eye level with the boots, I could see, it was those two boxes, I’d once found. I knew inside at least one of them, were Mum’s wedding pictures, I glanced down at Cal’s expectant face and in that instant, decided I would lie to him, I’d say they were pictures of our parents and make no mention of Christopher. As I dragged the boxes to the edge of the wardrobe, so Cal could lift them down, I reconciled my lie with the simple fact, what would telling the truth about his background matter anymore? Mum was gone, there was no way my father would turn up again and Christopher wouldn’t even know Cal now. It felt the best solution was just to leave Mum’s past in the past, let Cal believe we had the same parents and not cause further problems. It was with this mindset, we sat on the bed and opened the first box, as I suspecte
d, it was the one containing the wedding photos and I pretended I was seeing them for the first time too. Cal looked at each one with a rare intensity which was so obvious, I couldn’t help but question him,
“I’ve always wanted to know if I looked like my Dad,” he explained, “But I can’t see much of a resemblance, except maybe the eyes, what do you think?”
He held one photograph up to the side of his face, I looked at both and then agreed with him, there was a similarity between them. He smiled with satisfaction at my answer while I struggled to deal with the level of deception I had decided to pursue, by reassuring myself, I was doing the best for everyone. At the bottom of the first box, was a small picture of a blonde man, I noticed it before Cal and instantly realised, it must be Christopher, the same hair, the same eyes, it could have been my brother. I reached for it, hoping I could somehow ‘lose’ it in the pile of pictures, but Cal saw me,
“Who’s that?” he asked, reaching out for the picture, I shrugged my shoulders,
“No idea, perhaps some cousin or something,” I added vaguely, willing him to just put the picture down without looking too closely. He looked from me to the picture and just tossed it carelessly with the others,
“There’s no point keeping it then, as we have no way of finding out who it was.”
I could hardly contain my relief, but not wishing to take any more chances, I took all the photographs and put them quickly back in the box. As I closed the lid, Cal pulled forward the second box and flipped off the lid,
“Looks like just more pictures,” he said, “If it’s okay with you, I might go and feed the animals, I’ve missed them today.”
“No that’s fine, I’ll look through these and leave any out, you might want to see,” I agreed, he nodded gratefully and left the room. I heard him clomp down the stairs and knew he was just happy to be away from it all, for myself, I felt I could relax slightly without him being there. As we had done with the other box, I carefully lifted out all the contents, with the idea of looking at them, as they went back inside. It was pretty clear, there were just loads of school photos of both Cal and me, it seemed hard to believe Mum had kept them, especially as she had barely participated in any part of our school lives. But she had carefully dated each one and they were packed chronologically, as if despite herself, she wanted to record us in some way. As I sifted through them, I could hardly help but notice, how angry I looked in almost all of mine. It wasn’t an obvious anger, but it was there in my eyes, a defiance which resulted in there not being one single image where I was smiling. Whereas Cal looked like a text book angel, with his blonde curls and huge eyes, his broad smile literally lighting up the whole picture. He barely seemed to age at all, other than a slight thinning of his face and his hair being cut shorter as he grew older. When I reached the bottom of the pile, once more, I carefully closed the lid and pushed the box under Mum’s bed, next to the other one. I picked up the four large bags of clothes donations and walked unsteadily down the stairs, to leave them by the door. I had been dreading going through her personal belongings, but it hadn’t been as bad as I’d feared and perhaps now, the worst was over and we could decide what to do next. All her documents were with the solicitor, but there seemed no question, Cal and I would inherit exactly half the estate each, it was just we would have to work out, if we intended to keep the home, or sell it and split the proceeds. Cal had obviously made his feelings clear, he wanted to stay and so, as I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my life, there seemed little point in forcing anything. Later that afternoon, Cal was just coming into the house when the charity collection van drove up and I carried the four bags out to them, as I spoke with the driver, I heard Cal call out,
“What about these?” he was holding the three parcels which contained his artwork, after everything that had happened, I’d completely forgotten about them. Before I had a chance to move or even speak, he started ripping open the first parcel,
“I’ll just see what they are,” he called out, my whole body froze, I knew I couldn’t stop or distract him, so all I could do was look on in horror. When he pulled off the last piece of paper, I could see the total shock on his face,
“But this is…” he said, obviously completely unable to make any sense of what he was seeing, he put the first one down and began tearing through the wrapping on the other two pictures. Perhaps sensing the tension, the van driver hastily thanked us for our donation and sped away down the lane, leaving me standing, facing Cal. I hoped my mind would find some plausible explanation as to how the pictures were there, but nothing came, not one single thought, so I just watched him look from one to the next in total disbelief. Finally, he picked them up and went back into the house, I followed, still hoping something might occur to me, but not being even slightly convinced it would. When we reached the kitchen, Cal put the pictures on the table and glared at me,
“Why are they here?” he asked simply, “I’m guessing Mum bought them, but did you know?”
He was staring so intently at me, there was no escape from him, so it seemed, it was time for the truth,
“No Cal, I did, I did it for you, you seemed so down about yourself, I thought…”
Cal shook his head, raising his hand to silence me,
“No, you didn’t think, you did what you’ve always done, and took over, without even considering what this would do to me, I believed someone liked my work, I believed I could actually do something, could be good at something, but instead, it turns out, it was you all along!”
“No Cal, “I shouted back, “You’re wrong, yes I did buy the pictures, but only because I thought Cyrus was wrong when he turned you down, I believed in you and your talent, that’s why I did it!”
Cal slammed his hand down hard on the table in pure frustration,
“So were they ever in the exhibition, or was that a lie too?”
“They were there, I put them up myself!” I snapped back, “And when they didn’t sell, I knew how disappointed you’d be, so I bought them.”
Cal turned away from me in disgust,
“You’re just unbelievable, you always think you know everything and you know nothing, you’re stupid, you’re just a pathetic nobody.”
I raced around the table and forced him to face me,
“I lost everything because I tried to help you, you selfish, spoiled brat, you’ve never done anything for anyone.”
He pulled my hand from his arm,
“What did you lose?” he snarled back, “You could go back to your fancy city life whenever you want.”
“No I can’t Cal,” I screamed back, “Because I helped you, because I put those stupid pictures in the exhibition, I lost my job, my apartment, I lost it all!”
Cal smirked,
“Well, that’s just tragic, isn’t it?”
Before I could even register another thought, I slapped him hard across the cheek,
“Since the day you were born, I’ve done everything for you and this is how you treat me?” I yelled, “Who was it who looked after you every single time you were sick? Who picked you up every day from school? Who helped you with everything you ever did? Who was it Cal?” I ranted, while every skin cell on my body felt as if it was on fire. Cal gingerly touched the bright red cheek, for less than a second, I wanted to stop, but it felt like a long-locked door in my mind had been opened and there was no stopping everything pouring out of me, all the anger, all the frustration – not just for now, I was feeling all of those emotions on behalf of my younger self. The girl who had carried her brother for his whole life and who was now so spoilt and ungrateful for everything, every last sacrifice that had been made for him felt like it had been for nothing.
“I might be pathetic, Cal, but what are you?” I jabbed my finger into his chest as if to force home this last point, “Apart from a sad little Mummy’s boy who can’t do anything.”
Cal scowled and went to walk out of the room, but I flew in front of the door and blocked his path,
“Well? What are you?” I screeched wildly, knowing I had lost control but not caring any more,
“I mean, come on Cal, you’re a grown man, tell me,” I persisted. At that moment, Jim burst into the room,
“What the hell is going on?” he yelled, “I could hear you half way down the lane.”
“It’s nothing to do with you, it’s between us,” I said sharply, Jim stepped back, clearly shocked by the ferocity of my words, he looked at Cal,
“Are you alright buddy?” he asked, but Cal had no time to answer, as I went right up into Jim’s face,
“Didn’t you hear me? I said it’s between us, so please leave, in fact, pack your things and get out.”
I heard Cal gasp behind me, whereas Jim looked stunned,
“What did you say?” he stammered.
“You heard me, get out, you’ll be paid what you’re owed but I don’t want you around anymore, you’re not my family, he is and this is a family matter.”
Jim looked at Cal, obviously hoping he was going to say something,
“Cal?” he said quietly, “Are you going to let this happen?”
Cal looked at me and then back at him,
“She’s right, we do have to sort this out between us, but you and me, we can still…”
Jim didn’t wait to hear the end of the sentence, he stormed out, slamming the door so hard behind him, the whole house seemed to shake. As we stood in silence, we heard Jim’s car roar away down the lane, when it was clear he had gone, I turned to look at Cal, my handprint still clearly visible on his face,
“I’m sorry I hit you, Cal, but I was just so angry.”
But Cal clearly didn’t care about my apology, instead he just looked at me, as if he was seeing me for the first time,
“You have no idea what you’ve done, do you?” he said simply, “I have to go now because I can’t even look at you anymore.”
I was speechless, he walked away from me and up the stairs, returning only a few minutes later with a packed bag,