by A B Turner
“Cal, we can work this out,” I said, not being able to hide the fact I was almost begging him to stay, “We are a team, aren’t we? Always a team? Isn’t that what we always say?”
He looked at me, with nothing but total sadness and resignation in his eyes,
“You lied to me and you sent away the one person I needed more than anyone else, the one person who always showed me they loved me in every possible way, but even that’s over now, thanks to you.”
I went to speak but he shook his head,
“I don’t want to hear any more from you, do what you want with this place, I don’t want to be here anymore.”
He paused only to put his house keys on the table, before walking out of the house without even glancing back at me. I wanted to run after him, haul him back to the house and make him see some sense, but my feet wouldn’t move, my mouth opened but no sound came out. I could just see out of the kitchen window, as he put his bag on his shoulder and walked quickly down the lane and out of sight. I sat down at the table, trying to convince myself he would be back, that somehow we could work everything out, but in my heart, I knew none of that was probably true. He had gone, at least for now, when that reality hit, the pain was unbearable. For a moment, I thought about jumping in Mum’s car and looking for him, but he’d been clear, he didn’t want to be anywhere near me or the house, so any search would be fruitless – even if I did find him. I sat down at the table, I felt lost, everything seemed to have gone and I was all that was left. I didn’t move from that chair for hours, staring blankly into space, while my mind tried to make some kind of sense of it all. It was only when I stood up to switch on the light, I realised his pictures were still laid out, even though so much had happened, I found myself looking at them properly, perhaps for the very first time, after all, they belonged to him, my little brother. I propped the first one up so I could study it more carefully. The picture was obviously a view of the house, from down by the stream, it was a summer day, the fields were bursting with flowers and even our old horse, Pepper, was grazing in the distance. It was perhaps not the greatest painting when it came to technique, but, for me, he had captured what needed to be there and his love of the place was undeniably evident in every brush stroke. As I turned my attention to the second image, at first glance, I couldn’t help but smile, it was so obviously a picture of Cal- even though it was a rear view- looking out of his bedroom window. He’d painted himself at the age of no more than four years old, I knew this, because he’d included a small scar on his right bare shoulder, which had happened when he’d fallen over the gate to the field. He’d somehow managed to capture the sunlight on his golden curls, the edge of his unmade bed, covered in what looked like a tangle of sheets and blankets, it was a wonderfully-crafted painting.
“Perhaps you were wrong, Cyrus, “I said aloud, as it was clear, Cal was talented, there was so much emotion in the picture, a young boy looking out of the window at a place filled with beauty. I was about to put the picture down and turn to the third, when something in the picture caught my eye. I couldn’t quite make it out, but then I looked closer, there was something hanging on the bedpost of Cal’s bed. When I finally recognised it, I felt my whole body retch, it was Jim’s hat and as I looked again, by the bed, were his battered work boots. What I had thought was a plaid blanket, was Jim’s shirt, there was no mistake, he had been in that room and infinitely worse still, he had been in that bed. Suddenly Cal’s last words to me made perfect sense, when he had described Jim, as the only person who had loved him, ‘in every possible way.’ Again my whole body heaved and I vomited on the floor, howling with total despair, they’d all be right all along, Mum, Cal, Cyrus….everyone I had ever cared about had said the same thing.. I did know nothing, I had always known nothing and now, because of me, everything was gone, was lost. The tears flowed thick and fast as every mention Cal had ever made of Uncle Jim seemed to flash through my mind, those fishing trips, the night spent in the stable, going back to when Cal had been a little boy. Uncle Jim? That’s what we’d always called him, like anyone would call a member of the family, he was trusted and yet, this whole time, he’d only been there for Cal, because he wanted Cal. My whole body heaved again, when unwelcome images started invading every part of my brain, Jim in Cal’s bed, touching him, making him believe, what they had was somehow special. Suddenly I remembered Louise’s engagement party, when I’d found Jim keeping watch over Cal, at the time, I’d thought it was concern but it wasn’t..now I knew the truth. Jim was terrified Cal might find someone else, or worse still, find out what they were doing wasn’t -in any possible way – normal. I slammed my fists down on the kitchen table, over and over again, until they were red raw, how could I have been so blind? So stupid? Why hadn’t I ever stopped to think, why Cal had never been with anyone? He was a good-looking man, I should have known it didn’t make any sense at all. I fell to the floor, racked with guilt, despair and complete anger at myself, I’d failed my own brother, the only person I’d ever really had, who I’d promised to always protect – I had failed in it all. After almost an hour of not moving from the floor, the house plunged into a dark kind of silence, the phone suddenly rang,
“That might be Cal,” I muttered as I scrabbled to answer,
“Hello? Cal?”
“No, it’s me, Cyrus, I heard about your mother and I wanted to call you, see how you were doing,” his voice had none of his usual confidence, instead it sounded awkward and uncomfortable. I sank down on to a chair,
“Not great, Cyrus,” I replied, “Everything’s pretty awful really.”
I could hear my voice trembling, but I didn’t want to cry so I swallowed hard and thanked him for calling, hoping this would end the conversation – even though a large part of me wanted to tell him everything.
“I’m sorry it’s so bad for you, sweetheart, I’m also sorry for how things ended between us, I didn’t behave well at all…”he sounded genuinely sad and the truth of his emotions, made it practically impossible for me to speak,
“It’s okay, Cyrus, I understand,” I croaked, “But I have to go now.”
I heard him sigh,
“If you need anything, anything at all, you call me, okay? Promise me,” he insisted.
“What I need now, Cyrus, my darling friend, you can’t help me,” I replied, speaking more to myself than to him, when I realised how remote I sounded, I quickly added, I’d be in touch as soon as I could.
“Alright sweetheart, we can meet soon, I hope, but until we do, you take care of yourself, I’ve missed my mojito buddy,” he said softly, but by using that word – buddy – all the emotion I was struggling to hold down, burst through, like floodwaters over a dam,
“Never a buddy, Cyrus, please, never call me a buddy,” I choked.
“I’m sorry,” he stammered, obviously not knowing what he’d unwittingly said that could cause such an extreme reaction,
“Just call me soon, darling, when you can,” he added quickly, I said goodbye and put down the phone. With the house silent once more, I cleared up all the mess I’d made and washed my face, I was as low as it was possible to go, there was no denying it. I caught a glimpse of my reflection and turned to look myself in the eyes, I was reminded of those school photos, where I’d seen a kind of defiance. As I looked closer, it was still there, it had to be because if it was, I could believe, everything that’s lost can be found again. As I said those words aloud, the tiniest glimmer of hope appeared in my face, perhaps there was still a way to make things right.
THE LAST DAY
Chapter Thirteen
It had been late afternoon when I’d driven into the city, even though the roads were jammed as always, I hadn’t cared because everywhere I looked was bathed in that special kind of light. I somehow remembered, someone once told me, photographers called this time of day the golden hour. As my car inched along, I looked out of the window at the tree-lined streets and it felt like every single leaf had a glow about it, like the sun was trying to show me, there
was still some genuine beauty in the world. As I got nearer to the city centre, the trees were fewer and now the pavements were crowded with countless chairs and tables outside the cafes and bars, either side of the road. Any other time, I might have stopped, but not today.
The traffic was heavier now, so I had more than enough time to watch the people rapidly gathering at the once empty tables, I could see their smiles, hear their laughter, watch them squeal with delight as they met friends. I had once known what that was like, that life. The excitement of getting ready to go out, the butterfly in the stomach feeling, as you anticipated who might be there or, even who you might go home with at the end of the evening. It didn’t feel as if that had been a long time ago at all, yet here I was alone, and I couldn’t really remember how that had happened.
When I’d finally made it into the city, the sun was starting to set but I could still feel it’ s warmth on my arm which rested on the window sill. I had been lucky to find somewhere to park and after the long drive, it felt so good just to be able to switch off the ignition and rest my head back on the seat. I closed my eyes, the feeling of the sun on my face and the gentle breeze, suddenly took my mind back to the farm. All those long, hot, endless Summer days, Cal and I had played out in the fields, too many times, I was sure I’d lost him in the long grass and I’d start to panic, only to find him watching a line of ants walking along the path, or sprawled out on his back, staring up at the sky. I remembered lying next to him and together we gazed up and waited for a rare cloud to pass,
“What does that one look like?” I had asked him, glancing across at his little round face, which would be all screwed up with thought.
“A turtle,” he answered solemnly, I groaned with dismay,
“That looks nothing like a turtle, how can you even say that?”
I heard him chuckle,
“Because it looks like you.”
I flipped over but he was already standing up,
“Come on turtle, see if you can catch me,” he yelled as he set off across the field. I leapt up and chased after him, the long blades of grass almost stinging my bare legs, but I didn’t care, even then, I had loved the feeling of just running. On that particular afternoon, I had found him by the high fence, he was standing on the bottom rung and staring at the large bull who lived in that field. Mum had told us a thousand times not to go near it,
“He’s got a temper that one, so don’t either of you ever go in there with him, do you hear me?”
We always nodded, I couldn’t speak for Cal, but whenever we reached the fence, I had a real temptation to hop over and see if I could get from one side to the other. I couldn’t explain why I felt this way, but as we stood there, on that afternoon, I began trying to work out how far it was to the other side of his field.
“He looks mean,” said Cal, I could tell Mum’s warning was high up in his young mind, just from the tone of his little voice, “I wonder if anyone gets to go near him.”
“Uncle Jim does, Cal, you know that, he looks after all the animals here,” I replied, I heard him sigh,
“Uncle Jim is a big man, I don’t think he’s scared of anything, certainly not a mean old bull.”
For a few minutes, we watched the bull munching on the grass, it didn’t seem to have even noticed we were there, but I guessed we were just two small kids, so hardly no reason to get excited. Cal turned to me,
“Are you scared?”
I shook my head,
“No way,” I answered firmly, Cal cocked his head to one side and looked at me quizzically,
“Really? Not even a little bit?”
“Not even the tiniest bit..in fact, I might go into his field right now and tell him I’m not scared.”
Cal grabbed my arm, his large blue eyes now filled with concern,
“No! You mustn’t, you know what Mum says.”
To this day, I don’t know what came over me, it was some kind of rush to my head, a flood of a boldness I had always known was there and yet, in that moment, took me over. Before even I knew what was happening, I was on the top rung of the fence and climbing over it, I glanced down at Cal,
“Watch me, Cal, I will show you I am braver than anyone, even Mum..even Uncle Jim.”
I could see he wanted to speak, he wanted to stop me but it was too late, I was now on the wrong side of that fence and it was just me and the bull. I paused briefly, he had looked big from a distance but now there was nothing between us, he looked enormous but even though I could feel a tiny knot of fear in the pit of my stomach, I couldn’t turn back. I gingerly climbed down the last rung and landed softly on the ground, the bull still didn’t obviously acknowledge me, his huge head was deep into the long grass. I could feel my heart starting to pound in my chest as I looked across the field to the iron gate on the far side,
“It’s not that far,” I whispered to myself, I looked back at Cal and grinned with a bravado I wasn’t really feeling,
“Let’s see who the turtle is now,” I said, he didn’t answer, I don’t think he knew what to say.
I took a deep breath and then took off across the field, I was running so fast it felt like I was flying, the heady mixture of blind fear and total exhilaration made me feel almost invincible. As the gate got nearer, I was suddenly overwhelmed by the joy of knowing I was going to make it and before that stupid old bull had even moved. I looked back to wave to Cal, it was then I realised the animal had noticed me, it was staring straight at me and starting to walk. I quickly turned back to the gate and ran faster, but it was behind me now, the ground seemed to shake as it thundered behind me, I was sure I could feel it’ s hot breath on my back,
“He’s gonna get you,” Cal screamed.
I could feel my legs starting to tire, it was harder to breathe, and my heart was about to leap out of my chest, but I couldn’t stop running. I only had a little way to go now, I could almost touch the gate but then, I tripped, Cal screamed again. As I fell, it was like everything was happening in slow motion, the hulking bull was just about to stamp on me, when I suddenly felt a strong arm around my waist, scooping me up and almost flinging me over the gate.
“What the hell were you doing?” said a voice I instantly recognised even though I felt dazed, I opened my eyes and there was Uncle Jim. Even though he sounded angry, I could see nothing but concern in his dark brown eyes,
“I wanted to see if I could outrun the bull,” I replied weakly.
His worried expression instantly turned to a broad smile, his tanned face wrinkled as he shook his head,
“Well, do you know now?” he asked gently, helping me to my feet and then pushing my hair out of my face, I nodded,
“Do you have to tell Mum about this?” I asked, Jim pushed his battered hat to the back of his head,
“Nah, no harm done, anyway, I think you’ve had enough drama for one day, don’t you? Now let’s get back to that brother yours, eh?” But maybe we will go around the field this time…”
I nodded again,
“Thank you for saving me, Uncle Jim.”
He took my hand in his, I suddenly felt very small,
“I’ll always save you, Chicky.”
When this memory hit, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of loss, to have ever been that innocent and trusting seemed like a lifetime ago Always seemed to be a word too easy to say, but impossible to mean, after all, I’d heard that same promise from too many other people and their words had mostly turned out to be worse than meaningless in the end. I wiped an unwanted tear away and looked out at the cityscape before me, the sun had gone, and I watched the lights in the tower blocks start to come on. I couldn’t help but wonder how that brave little girl who was ready to take on a fearsome bull, had got here, sitting alone in a car, waiting and hoping, she still had some courage left.
I knew why I’d driven to the city, I had a plan. My whole life had been out of control for months, with unopened bills piling up and no obvious future. But then, that was because Life had always had one
more, fateful card to deal in this rigged game we’d been playing for so long, which forced me to have a kind of moment, an epiphany even, when I knew-without question- money was not really the problem at all. There was no denying, it had been the root of some bad decisions, but it turned out there had always been something more, an unseen malignant presence, like a cancer, a godawful darkness which had silently grown so large and so destructive, it demanded all my attention, consumed every last thought in my head. I hadn’t even known it was there until recently, at least that’s what I told myself, perhaps there had been signs and I’d somehow missed them, been too wrapped up in pointless dramas. But once we’d finally faced each other, I had absolutely no doubt at all what had to be done and that was thanks to Cal, I could only wish, somehow, he would know.
It had sounded easier in my head, but now, parked in this side street, it felt almost impossible. The golden glow of before was long gone, now there was just the pale yellow of the single streetlight at the end of the road, showing me where I needed to be, but I wasn’t ready, not yet. I closed my eyes again and thought of Cal, he had always seemed so small to me, even when we had started to grow up. Whenever he was in trouble, he came to me, when bigger boys at school had picked on him, I’d waded in and pushed two of them over,
“You mess with my brother and you mess with me,” I snarled, before taking his hand and walking home. He used to look at me in awe sometimes, like there was nobody braver than me and I loved him so much, that’s why I saved him all the time. Even when we were older, it was me he called when he was in trouble, never Mum, we were both wary of telling her anything. Not that she was cruel or even mean, she just worked all the time and when she wasn’t, she seemed to have no real idea how to be a parent at all. A few times I had tried to talk to her about things that bothered me, but she would always be quick to dismiss my worries, it felt like she never really listened. Cal and I had both grown up, pretty much convinced, she didn’t know us at all. But as those thoughts occurred to me, I quickly pushed them away, as after all, there was no denying, perhaps we hadn’t tried hard enough to get to know her.But things changed, nothing sudden or dramatic, but in a silent, almost stealthy way, it was as if I woke up one morning and my Cal had gone, to be replaced by someone who still looked like him but wasn’t him at all. For as long as I could remember, he’d always been the one who’d never wanted to hurt anything, he’d even walk around that line of ants out of fear of treading on one. But then, almost overnight, he became distant, almost uncaring at times and he certainly stopped looking up to me, I ended up feeling like I’d become nothing more to him, than a kind of minor irritation. But Mum seem to indulge every whim and every thought that ever entered his head, when, out of some kind of deeply-felt, but, perhaps unreasonable frustration, I would ask her why, she would say the same thing,