by A B Turner
“I wasn’t there enough, when he was little, I need to make that up to him.”
“But what about me, Mum?” I asked, wishing I didn’t sound quite as desperate for her as I was, she looked steadily at me,
“You were always okay,” she said simply before turning away from me.
At the time, I had wanted to say something more, or more truthfully, wanted to scream at her, I needed her too but, when I looked in her eyes, there was nothing there. It was true she hadn’t really known me when I was growing up, only having a kind of vague idea of me and maybe that was enough for her, she probably wouldn’t have liked the reality much any way. It was also true, the way things had turned out, I was almost glad now Cal had everything although, looking back, there were way too many wasted years when I had a very different take on it all. It truly was a wonderful thing – that whole hindsight thing.I opened my eyes again, the streetlight flickered, as if it was impatient with my indecision, it was time, I took a deep breath as I quickly checked my reflection in the rearview mirror. I opened the car door and strode along the path, I was almost at the light when fear seemed to take hold of my whole body and I could feel myself shaking. I spun on my heel and walked quickly back to the safety of the car, it was only once I was back in the drivers’ seat, I allowed myself to breathe again.
“Not yet, there’s still plenty of time,” I said reassuringly, thankful my heart was beating slightly slower again, “It’s early.”
I flipped open the glove compartment and was relieved to find the half bottle of Jack Daniels I had bought earlier. I took a long drink, as the warm liquid trickled down my throat, I felt myself relax again. Perhaps it was a lie alcohol gave you courage, but there was no doubt, it could make you care less and that’s what I needed. I didn’t want those long held inhibitions and hang ups to get in the way, they’d had their time, what I needed now, was to be free of them otherwise, what was to come - my grand plan- was never going to happen. After another long drink, I screwed the top back on the bottle and placed it on the seat next to me,
“Guess I’m not alone after all, Jack,” I said ruefully, “Just us now.”
I lazed back on my seat and looked out at the city again, it looked beautiful, thousands of lights everywhere, and way above the tops of the skyscrapers, an equal number of stars scattered across the dark blue, velvet sky. Through my open window, I could just hear the distant sound of music coming from a bar somewhere and the muffled sounds of people talking and laughing. As I looked up, I could see the tiny blinking lights of a plane, high up in the sky and for a moment, I wished I was up there too. But that would be just another way of running and, sitting in my car, I knew, I just didn’t have it in me to do that anymore. I checked the clock, it was time now, I could hear people laughing and talking, which confirmed, there could be no more delays. I got out of the car and once more, walked up to the streetlight on the corner. A couple passed me, they were giggling, they stopped so he could pull her close to his body and they kissed. I felt embarrassed, as if I was intruding on a private moment, but they quickly moved on, still wrapped in each other. I felt the unmistakable pang of pure envy, I wished I could be with Nick, I wanted him to pull me close, to feel the warmth of his body blend into mine, but any hope of that ever happening, was long passed. He had called me, more than once, wanting us to meet, but he was still married, so nothing had really changed and the chances were, it would always be that way. But I’d been a coward when it had come to saying a final goodbye to him, so we’d left it as a casual,
“Maybe when I’m next in the city,” which even as I said the words, we both knew, it was probably never going to happen. But this was not the time to be thinking about Nick, so I firmly pushed him far from my mind. I looked up the street, I could see people spilling out of the pub, calling out to each other before walking off in different directions. I scanned each figure as it emerged, thankfully, the warm orange light over the pub door provided just enough light, so I could see who they were and, more to the point, who they were not. When it seemed everyone had left, I felt a combination of frustration and disappointment, it had taken so much to get me here and it felt as if all that effort had been for nothing, I was about to walk back to my car when I heard someone shout out,
“See you, Jim.”
I darted into an alleyway, I heard a shuffling, stumbling footstep coming closer, I could barely breathe as it drew nearer, my whole body felt tense, as they made their way along the street. Suddenly a figure appeared under the streetlight, although it was little more than a silhouette, there was no mistaking who it was, right down to the same old battered hat. He leaned heavily on the light, perhaps trying to regain his balance, but I didn’t care, I walked slowly up to him and said,
“Hello Jim.”
He looked up, his head swaying awkwardly as he squinted at me, I almost spoke, but I wanted him to recognize me on his own, so I patiently waited. At last, he smiled,
“Hello Chicky, sorry, I didn’t see you there, I may have had a bit too much tonight, I’m feeling a bit rocky actually.”
Just then he turned away from me and vomited on the street, I could barely contain my disgust, but I knew I wanted to remain completely calm, so again, I said nothing and waited for him to stop. He wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his jacket and looked at me again,
“What are you doing here, Chicky? It’s pretty late.”
“I came to see you,” I replied, my voice sounding crisp and clipped compared to his own slurring speech, he smiled again,
“Oh did you Chicky? That’s really nice of you to check on old Uncle Jim.”
He went to move towards me but almost immediately lost his balance, only stopping a total fall by grabbing hold of the streetlight,
“Do you need some help?” I asked, trying to sound friendly, he looked quizzically at me, as if surprised I would even want to be helpful. I moved over to him,
“Come on,” I continued, gently taking his hand and threading it through the crook of my arm, “I’ll look after you.”
As we started to move, I could feel just how unsteady he was, but I was determined he wasn’t going to fall, so I held on to him a little tighter.
“You’re a good girl, Chicky, even after you did what you did, you come and find me to apologise, eh?”
“Something like that,” I replied, my voice sounding calm even though, my heart was now pounding against my chest with each step we took towards the bridge. When we were halfway across, I suggested we stop so he could catch his breath, he thanked me and leaned back against the wall. I stood away from him and watched him wheeze, his whole body swaying slightly – nothing like the Uncle Jim I had known as a child, the one who could save us from anything. Now he was just a pathetic old drunk who wouldn’t normally warrant even the most cursory look from a passer-by, but to me, I just wanted to look at him. His head rolled up and he noticed me again,
“It’s been a long time, things haven’t been going too great, you know?”
“I can see that,” I answered more coldly than I’d intended, fortunately he was way too drunk to really notice much, least of all the tone of my voice,
“No, things have been really bad, I could do with a break, you know? A real break,” he slurred again.
“Perhaps I can help,” I replied, “Perhaps I can give you that break.”
His head slumped over to one side,
“You’d help me out, you’re a good girl, Chicky, always thought so.”
I walked over to him and looked him straight in the eye,
“And what did you think of Cal, Uncle Jim?”
My more aggressive tone made him take a step back,
“Well, he was my buddy, my boy..he was like a son to me” he stammered as he glanced anxiously first left and then right, I took another step towards him,
“Your son? You would do to you son, what you did to Cal?”
Jim stumbled as he tried to move away, but I blocked his only escape route,
“I
don’t know what you’re talking about,” he gabbled, clearly confused and scared at the same time, “I just loved him.”
“You took away everything that was innocent about him, that’s not love, you had sex with a little boy over and over again, he trusted you,” for a brief moment, it felt as if I was going to lose control of my emotions, but I managed to swallow them back down,
“We all trusted you.”
Jim somehow managed to straighten himself and stuck out his chin in defiance,
“I didn’t do anything but love that boy, where were you? Eh? Where was your mother? Nowhere. That’s where! I looked after him, I made him feel like he was worth something, so don’t try and come here and tell me anything, Chicky, ‘cos you’ve got no right, not right at all.”
At that moment, my whole body felt like it was shaking, the deep rage within me seemed to be seething through every cell,
“You make me sick to my stomach,” I growled, “How dare you talk about rights? What right did you have to crawl into his bed?”
He grinned at me,
“I didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to do, believe me, he enjoyed every minute of it,” he added slyly, “And so did I, he had a great little body.”
This last comment was the final straw, I raced towards him and pushed him against the bridge wall, I was so fast and he was so unsteady, he fell backwards, only saving himself by grabbing on to my shoulder.
“You could have killed me,” he whimpered, looking anxiously down into the inky black water which flowed silently under the bridge.
“Yes I could,” I replied, “And you know something, I came here to do just that, it took me months looking under every rock to find you, and you know what kept me going? The thought of your face, looking exactly like it does now, but you know something? I’m looking at you, and you’re really not worth risking a life in prison.”
“So what are you going to do?” he asked, his dark eyes now filled with blind panic. I leaned forward until my mouth was no more than a few inches away from his ear,
“You’re going to fall, right over the edge of this bridge and when they find your miserable carcass, if they find it, they’ll just find a sad old, lonely drunk.”
I pushed him closer to the edge, I could feel his feet struggling to find a hold, so I kept him moving until there was no way for him to go but down into the river,
“Don’t do it Chicky!” he yelled, “I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry, I’ll do anything, just don’t do it!”
Suddenly, my whole body felt cold, as if every conceivable emotional response had somehow been switched off,
“One more thing, Uncle Jim,” I said, my voice riddled with heavy sarcasm as I said his name, “my name is Jessica Cole and I want that name to be the last thing you ever hear,” I snarled, pushing him again. As he tried to move away, he lost his grip on me and his footing at the same time, and fell over the bridge wall, I ran to look down, I had to know he was really gone. As I peered into the gloom, I saw him struggling against the tide, his hands waving desperately as he tried to somehow swim. After only a few seconds, he disappeared under the water, I watched and waited, he briefly appeared again but the tide must have been too strong or he was too drunk, because the next time he went under, there was no sign of him. I went to turn away when my foot touched something, I looked down and there was Jim’s hat, I wanted to pick it up and throw it in the river, but instead, I just kicked it into the street, knowing sooner or later, it would be crushed under the weight of some passing car. As I walked back to the corner, I still felt strangely detached from everything, I had pictured this moment so many times and I’d always imagined, I’d feel triumphant or, at the very least, relieved it was over. But now, here I was, and I felt nothing other than weary. I got back into my car and resisted the temptation to finish off the Jack Daniels, after all, the last thing I needed was to get pulled over by the police.I started the car and began the long drive home, the city was peaceful, in that place between night and day. I looked both left and right, trying to imprint everything on my mind because I knew it would be a long time – if ever- I would be back. So long ago, I had left home to come and find a new life here, yet now, I was going back, probably to stay – I really had known nothing then, but I knew something now, it had been a very painful lesson, I’d paid far too high a price but perhaps, one day, it would be worth it all. As the cityscape faded into darkness, I felt the weight of everything lift off my shoulders, all apart from the loss of Cal, I knew that would always be with me. But there was the hope, wherever he was, one day, he’d be looking up at clouds and remember lying under the tall tree, in the corner of the field, and come home again.