by Charity B.
Copyright ©2017 by Charity B.
All rights reserved.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without approval from the author. Doing so would break copyright and licensing laws.
Editor: Joanne LaRe Thompson
Cover Design: Murphy Hopkins
Formatting: Champagne Book Design
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright
Author’s Note
Dedication
Epigraph
Chapter One: Beginning
Chapter Two: Allies
Chapter Three: Play
Chapter Four: Toys
Chapter Five: Normal
Chapter Six: Katie
Chapter Seven: Break
Chapter Eight: Life
Chapter Nine: Nikki
Chapter Ten: Disgusting
Chapter Eleven: Birthday
Chapter Twelve: Clients
Chapter Thirteen: Products
Chapter Fourteen: Monster
Chapter Fifteen: Call
Chapter Sixteen: Cadence
Chapter Seventeen: Alexander
Chapter Eighteen: Carousel
Chapter Nineteen: Mine
Epilogue
Cupcakes Playlist
Help Lines and Websites
Acknowledgments
Books by Charity B.
About the Author
This is the final book in a Trilogy and should be read after Sweetened Suffering. If you’ve read the previous books in the series, thank you so much for continuing to read. You mean more to me than you know. This book contains very dark subject matter. It is by far the most triggering book in the series and the characters are children for a large portion of the story.
To those who have stuck by me to the end, I wish I could hug each and every one of you. When I began writing this story, I had no idea it would impact me like it has. This was an intense journey for me and I hope you feel the same. I love these characters and this world so much more than I ever could have prepared myself for. The love and responses you have given me, touches me all the way to my soul, and I mean that. I truly do love you guys and it’s because of you, my dreams have come true.
Trigger Warning
This novel contains heavy drug use, explicit sexual content, violence, extreme child abuse, and sensitive subject matter which may be triggering to some readers.
To Alycia: I wish you could be here for this. You were so supportive of me, ALWAYS. You were truly one of the kindest and most beautiful people I have and ever will know. You understood me and knew things that no one else does. You will always be one of my closest friends. I love you, girl, and miss you like crazy.
We are crooked souls trying to stand up straight, dry eyes in the pouring rain.
—Switchfoot
October, 2001
SHE’S SLEEPING AGAIN. SHE DOESN’T move, even when I poke her with the fork.
“Mommy, wake up!” I yell it in her face, but she stays still. My stomach twists; I’m so hungry.
There’re voices. My head whips to the door. Uh-oh. Daddy’s home and he’s with someone.
I better go hide.
I jump off Mommy, rip open my door, and run downstairs to my room. Crawling under the stairs, I hold my lips together so I don’t make sounds with my breathing. I hug myself tight as the door creaks open from the top of the stairs.
BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM.
Someone’s coming.
“Stay down there, you little fucker. I’ll get you when I’m done.”
That isn’t Daddy’s voice.
A loud pounding above my head makes me try to shrink smaller, and a big thump lets me know whatever was just thrown down here, has made it to the bottom.
The door slams.
I hear moaning and grumbling. Someone’s here. I stay perfectly still as the source of the noise comes into my view.
“Bastard,” he mumbles.
It’s a boy, and I don’t know who he’s talking to because he doesn’t know I’m here. I think he is close to the same age as me. His brown hair falls into his face while he kicks at the floor on his way to my bed. I make sure I stay under the stairs as I move out a little further for a better look. He sits down and bounces a few times before he looks up and sees me.
“Ahh!” He yells and falls back a little. “What are you doing, freak?”
I crawl out. “My name is Tavin.”
“I didn’t ask you your name, freak, I asked you what you’re doing, creepin’ under the stairs.”
Why is he still calling me ‘freak’?
“I was hiding. Why are you in my room?”
“Because my dad wants to get high with yours.” He rolls his eyes. “I don’t even know why he brought me.”
I’ve never met another kid before. I see them all the time, I’ve just never talked to one.
“What’s your name?”
I stand up and walk to the bed to meet him and look at his clothes. He’s wearing a long sleeve, black shirt and he has a black hat on.
“Toben.”
I like his name, it kind of sounds like mine. The sharp pain turns over. My tummy hurts so badly, I hope I don’t throw up in front of him.
“Do you have food?”
He shifts awkwardly. “Uh, no. Sorry.”
“Oh, it’s okay. You can play with me if you want.”
His eyebrows scrunch and he frowns at me. “I don’t want.”
Oh…dang.
I look at his hands and he’s holding a notebook! Maybe he likes to draw, like me. He sets it down on my bed before reaching into his jeans, pulling out two long wires that are attached to a little shiny, black box. It lights up when he touches it.
“What is that?” I point to it.
“It’s an iPod, duh.”
Then he does something so funny, he puts the wires in his ears!
“Why did you do that?”
He raises one of his eyebrows and I can see his eyes. They’re as dark as night. I bet he’s good at drawing.
He takes one of the wires out and hands it to me. “Listen.”
I put the wire in my ear like he did. Instantly, loud screaming and banging music fills my head. I rip it back out.
“What is that?!”
“It’s Behemoth.” He sort of smiles. I wonder what a bee-hee-moth is.
“Why is he yelling?”
“I guess because he’s mad.”
“Why?”
He shrugs. “Maybe because there’s no God.”
That’s the first time he looks at my eyes and I hope he does it again. I like it.
“Oh.”
He takes the wires out of the black box. The bee-hee-moth starts coming out of it and I can hear it all over my room.
“I’ve never seen you at lunch or anything, where do you go to school?”
I shake my head. “I don’t go anywhere.”
He frowns at me. “Everybody has to go to school. You’re lying.”
“Hey! I’m not lying.”
Why would I lie to him?
He crosses his arms. “Then how did you learn to read, and tell time, and write your name?”
I climb off my bed to show him my wall.
“I don’t know how to do any of that stuff. Here, stand up, I want to show you my pictures.” He gets off the bed so I can move it. “I like to dra
w.”
When my bed is out of the way, I look at him and his eyebrows are lifted.
“Obviously.”
I kneel by my drawings. “Do you want to help?”
He walks around my room. “Uh, no I’m good.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he blows his hair out of his eyes. “All you have is that little TV and old radio? You don’t have an Xbox or anything?”
What is this silly boy talking about? “I don’t think so.”
He stomps to my bed and falls back onto it. “Great.”
I crawl to him and prop my arms on the sheets. I rest my head in my hands as I watch him.
“How old are you?”
He lifts his head. “I turned ten last week. How old are you?”
I want to know so badly! “I don’t know, I think I might be nine, but maybe I’m ten too!”
“How do you not know how old you are, freak?”
This boy is making me mad now, he knows my name. I point my finger at him, so he can see I’m serious.
“Hey! My name is Tavin.”
He gets off the bed and sits on the floor with me. “Okay, Tavin. What’s your deal? You’re filthy, you aren’t even trying to cover up your bruises, you say you’ve never been to school, and now you don’t even know how old you are?”
I guess I have worn this dress a long time. I don’t have very many, though, and the others are just like this. I didn’t know it was bad.
“I’m filthy?”
“God, yes. When was the last time you had a bath?”
I close my eyes and try to remember. “I don’t know, I think Mommy gave me one when there were still kids playing outside all day.”
“You haven’t had a bath since summer vacation? That was over a month ago!” He brings his knees to his chest. “You’re too old for your mom to still be washing you. Why don’t you clean yourself?”
I shrug. “I didn’t know I was supposed to.” I look at the purple marks on my arm. “Why should I hide them?”
I can’t help that I get them. Should I be embarrassed? He keeps looking at me funny. Oh, I hope he doesn’t think I’m stupid.
“Because then people will know. If they know, then they will call the cops, and you don’t want to meet a cop.”
I know about police. Daddy says if they find me, they will lock me away in jail and I’ll never get out. I’ve never actually seen them, I just know they are bad.
“Why would they do that?”
“Because people don’t know how to mind their own damn business.”
“I don’t ever see people, though. I never leave the house.”
“What? What about the dentist and the doctor?”
“Daddy says I don’t need a doctor because I should be dead anyway.”
I think I did something wrong because he looks mad at me.
“You never leave? Will your parents not let you?”
I’m always too scared to leave. Daddy says there are a lot of people who will hurt little girls. I don’t want him to know I get scared, though.
“They don’t care if I leave, I just don’t. I like to watch all the people through my window.”
He turns his head and points his thumb. “That’s a window well, the only thing outside there is a concrete wall.”
“You have to climb the ladder, silly.”
“Wow, really?” He stands up and hurries to my window. When he opens it, he looks at the ladder. “Well I’ll be damned.” He turns to me and smiles. His whole face changes when he smiles. “You’re weird, but I like you. See you around, Tavin.” He climbs out and is gone.
Why did he leave? He said he liked me.
He left his eye pad I think he called it, and his notebook, on my bed. I bet he will come back for it. Oh, I hope he does!
Damn it. I left my lyric book and iPod in her room. I’ll need to go back to get them, just not tonight. I still don’t know why he dragged me over there in the first place, he normally can’t wait to get me out of his sight. Is he trying to be an actual parent and punish me for getting suspended today? Why doesn’t he just punch me in the stomach like usual and be done with it? Whatever. I don’t give a shit. I thought he was bad when he was drinking, now that he has been using, it’s as if his hate has become a creature of its own.
That Tavin girl is the oddest person I’ve ever met. I wonder if she’s telling the truth about all that stuff. I’ve lived two houses down from her my whole life, and I’ve never seen her before. She doesn’t act like she’s nine, and she’s smaller than the girls in my class. She’s covered in dirt and her hair needs washing, but she’s interesting. I think I was kind of mean to her, and it’s not normal that I care.
I found myself constantly looking at her pretty, purple eyes that were out of place with her ragged clothes and tangled hair. I don’t understand how her parents have been able to keep her locked up and out of sight for so long, or why they’d want to. Maybe I can ask my dad, if I can catch him on one of his good days.
I’m gonna get the crap beat out of me for leaving. What else is new? At least I don’t have to stay in the room that time forgot.
I run back to my house, get my bike, and begin to ride the two blocks to Christopher’s, as I breathe in the perfect air.
I love the fall. It’s calming to watch the grass and flowers dying. It’s the end of stupid pool parties and getting crazy-ass looks from people for wearing long sleeved shirts. It smells cleaner, and the air feels better than any other time of the year.
Christopher is the closest thing to a best friend that I have. His parents think I’m a bad influence on their perfect, little boy because my dad’s a dick and I listen to metal. If they only knew their angel introduced me to pot, and I’m about to get drunk off the vodka he stole from their liquor cabinet.
I almost told him about my dad, the last time we drank, and I have wanted to tell him on a few other occasions, but then I remind myself of the possible outcomes.
He could try to help by telling his parents, which would most likely mean I’d go into foster care. I definitely don’t want that, at least now I pretty much do whatever I want. He could keep quiet, but always pity me and get all weird which would cost me my only real friend. He could ask why my dad does what he does, and when I tell him it’s because I killed my mother, he could end up agreeing that I deserve the beatings. The odds of him staying my friend and staying quiet are pretty damn slim, so I keep it to myself.
The thought occurs to me that I could tell Tavin. Just from what I saw, her arms, neck, side of her face, and legs are all covered in either new or healing bruises. I feel bad for her, she’s so small. I don’t think she can take too much. Her dad is a decent sized guy, nothing like my dad, but he could definitely inflict some damage. She doesn’t even act like it’s a secret. She probably wouldn’t bat an eye if I took off my shirt so she could see my bruises. It would be so nice to just say it aloud. To tell someone.
I’ll go see her tomorrow to get my stuff.
I drop my bike in Christopher’s yard and knock on his front door. His mom answers, which is better than his dad. I try to be as polite as I can, and they still don’t like me. At least she tries to hide it.
She sighs in greeting, “Hello, Toben. Christopher is in his room.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Reed.”
I give her a big smile and she makes a sad attempt to return it. I pound down the stairs and take the left into Christopher’s room. Some top forty shit is playing, and he’s propped in bed pounding buttons on his Gameboy.
He turns his head and when he sees me, a huge grin crosses his face.
“Dude, that was seriously legendary. I swear you didn’t even look at him the first time, your fist was just punching his face out of nowhere.” He starts laughing, “Then you lost it.” Shaking his head, he adds, “You’re crazy.”
He reaches under his bed, recovers a bottle, and takes a drink. He hands it to me, and after a burning swig, I tell him why Thomas asked for everything he got.
“
He deserved it. He’s a dick. He was kicking Michelle Andrews in the shin and I’ve seen him pick on other girls before, too. So, I thought, if he wants to fight, he can fight me.”
“Yeah, well, just give me a chance to explain things if I ever make you mad.”
We drink a few more drinks and soon my head is fuzzy. I better stop or I won’t be able to make it home.
“Hey, do you have any weed? I can pay you.” I reach for the twenty I ripped off from my dad, this morning.
“No, but you can get it from the high school kids. Just make sure whoever you ask looks cool.”
I’m able to walk up the stairs fairly straight and I only fall off my bike once on my way to the high school. I think the ride clears my head because I can focus better once I get there. Even though they’re already out for the day, there are always a few who stay for clubs, or practices, or whatever else they do in senior high.
I ride by the football field, to the parking lot. Sure enough, there’s a group of them heading to their cars. I scan them, and my eyes land on a kid with dreadlocks. There’s no way someone that doesn’t smoke weed, would do that to their hair.
I park my bike in the rack and try to hurry without being obvious about it. I catch up to him just as he’s getting into his car.
He raises his eyebrows. “Do you need something, little man?”
I reach in my pocket and pull out the twenty, showing it to him, while keeping it in my fist. “I need a quarter.”
He laughs at me. “A quarter of what?”
“Of weed.”
“Jesus, you’re a little young, yeah?” He looks me up and down, sighs, and then nods toward his car. “Fine, get in.”
I think for sure he’ll rip me off, but he’s cool. His name is Cory Ridge and he tells me to hit him up any time.
When I get back to my house, I still have a great buzz. Thankfully, my dad isn’t back yet. Getting some papers from my desk drawer, I roll a joint and light up. The high is calm and relaxing. I feel my heart rate slow and I close my eyes.
I know that I would want to see Tavin again even if I hadn’t left my crap there. I don’t have school for three days on account of my suspension, and she apparently doesn’t have it at all. I think I’ll try to get her to leave tomorrow and take her to the beach. It’s the best time of year to go, in my opinion. If she’s never left, then maybe I can show her some new things. I’ve never had a girl for a friend before.