by Charity B.
I wonder what it will be like.
MY HEAD AND STOMACH STILL hurt from when Daddy kicked me yesterday. I turn the pages in Toben’s notebook and there isn’t a single picture, only a bunch of squiggles. I hid his eye pad yesterday, so his daddy wouldn’t find it. It just took me a long time to make it be quiet. I hope I didn’t break it.
I need food. I feel sick. Daddy’s already gone to work, so I walk up the stairs to see if there’s anything in the kitchen to eat today.
I hear Mommy before I even open the basement door. She’s getting fucked again. Dang it! I’m so hungry and she hates it when I interrupt her with the men.
Maybe if I’m extra quiet, they won’t notice me.
Creaking open the door, I peek out. Mommy is on her hands and knees and she’s naked just like the man kneeling behind her. Since they’re facing away from me, I open the door the rest of the way and tip-toe to the kitchen.
You’re a princess hiding from an evil sorcerer. You have to find the magic fairy dust to beat him and return to your castle.
Mommy is still making noises. There are times that I think the men are hurting her, until she asks them to keep going or do it harder.
I hold my breath as I open the cabinet that sometimes has bread or crackers. It’s still empty. The refrigerator has beer, but that just makes my stomach hurt more if I don’t eat with it. I don’t know if they have ever gone this long without having food in the house and this is the hungriest I think I’ve ever been. Looking in the trash, I find a wrapper that has ketchup still on it, so I lick it off. Since there isn’t anything else, I sneak back into the living room to go back downstairs.
“That’s right, skank, you like my fat cock?”
The man pulls Mommy’s hair and she yells, “Oh, yes, baby.”
They’re still turned away from me, so I quietly pass them to open my bedroom door. As I do, someone is standing there! Even though I jump, I’m able to keep myself from making noise with my surprise.
Once I focus, I see it’s Toben. He came back! He smiles at me before his gaze moves into the living room to watch Mommy, and his eyes go wide.
“Whoa!”
Too loud. His voice is way too loud.
I turn as the naked man jumps from the couch. “What the hell?”
Mommy lifts her head and glares at me. “Goddamn it, Tavin! Get downstairs. I’m working.”
“I’m sorry, Mommy.”
She doesn’t answer me, she just spreads her legs apart and touches herself between them. “Come on, baby, it’s just my kid.”
I shove by Toben to get on the steps and shut the basement door. I hear Mommy’s moaning, so I know the man has started again.
Taking Toben’s hand, I pull him down the stairs. Once we’re in my room, I smile at him.
“You came back. So, you really do like me?”
He laughs and it is such a nice sound. I can’t stop myself from smiling even bigger.
“Yes, freak, I like you.” My cheeks go flat as my mouth drops into a frown. “Oh, Tavin, I’m kidding. I’m sorry, I won’t call you that again.”
That makes me feel better as I walk to my nightstand. “Good.” Wrapping my fingers around the handle I pull the drawer open. “I have your notebook and eye pad.”
He grins and that makes me happy. “It’s called an iPod. There’s no such thing as an iPad.” He looks at my ceiling, “So…your mom’s a hooker?”
“Yes.” I hand him his things.
“Well that’s uh…different. So, whatcha you doin’ today?” He seems happier than yesterday.
“I don’t know. I don’t feel well. I’m hungry.” My stomach lurches at the mention of it. He frowns and I feel bad because my complaining took his smile away.
“You were hungry last night too, when was the last time you’ve eaten?”
We need to stop talking about food, my head hurts.
“Six days I think.”
He grasps my arm. Uh-oh, I think I made him mad.
“You haven’t eaten in a week?! What the hell? Grab a sweater, we’re going to get you some food.”
He wants me to leave? I can’t do that! I’ve never been further than the yard. He did say we would eat though…
“I don’t know, I don’t want you to be mad at me, I just-”
“You need food and you need to see more than this room. Your mom won’t even know. She’s obviously preoccupied.” I’m really scared, I’m just hungrier. My stomach jumps when he whispers, “You can trust me.”
And I do.
My lips stretch into a smile when he takes my hand. His dark eyes sparkle as I say, “Okay.”
We climb out of my window and he points to the front of his bicycle. “Sit up there.”
My heart is thumping and I’m getting sweaty. For the first time in my entire life, I’m leaving my house. He climbs on behind me, and when we begin to move, the wind blows my hair back and my stomach tickles in a good way. I feel like laughing, so I do. It’s a short ride, and before long, he pulls into a driveway where he stops the bike.
“Come on.” He waves his hand for me to follow him.
His house is kind of tall, like mine, but instead of blue, it’s white. The keys jangle as he unlocks the door and we step inside. There is tan carpet on the floor and it’s much cleaner than my house. It smells better too. Passing through an entryway, we walk across his living room. His house is so pretty! The couches match the chairs and the curtains. There are pictures of all sorts of people on the wall and the carpet is spotless. We come to an archway that leads to the kitchen. He starts opening cabinets and I can’t believe what I see. They are full of cans, bags, and boxes of food!
He sits in a chair by the table and crosses his arms. “You can have whatever you want. There’s some juice and soda in the fridge, and I think there are some frozen dinners in the freezer.”
I don’t know where to start. I’ve never seen so much food before and my stomach turns simply from looking. I go to the cabinet and when I reach up, my arms are too short.
He doesn’t even make me ask as he walks up next to me. “What looks good?”
All of it.
I recognize the cookies so I point to them. “Those, in the blue bag.”
He gives them to me and I am so relieved at having food, that I rip open the bag and start shoving as many into my mouth as I can. I wish I could chew and swallow faster.
“Whoa! Tavin,” he laughs. “You can have as much as you want, just slow down. If you eat too fast you’ll get sick.”
I nod, making myself slow down my chewing and only eat one at a time.
I have cookies, chips, an apple, two glasses of orange juice and a few chicken nuggets. I eat so much that I can’t eat anymore and I always want more. Having a full belly is the most wonderful feeling. When I finish, I march over to him and hug him.
“Thank you, Toben.”
At first, he’s stiff, but he soon relaxes and hugs me back. “You’re welcome.” Smiling, he waves for me to follow. “Come on, I got to see your room, now you can see mine.”
I trail behind him, back across the living room. We walk down a hallway to the left of the entryway and climb a set of stairs until he stops at a door. He opens it and there are more steps leading up to an attic.
I climb up behind him and I can’t believe how it looks! The walls are painted black with a bunch of posters covering them and the ceiling. There’s a big TV with chords everywhere and a large, black box with a green circle on it lying on the floor. A lot of other stuff is around it too, I just don’t know what it all is. I look over to his desk and there’s another TV sitting next to a rectangle covered in square buttons.
“Why do you need two TVs?”
He shakes his head. “You really don’t know what a computer is?”
I shake mine back. “Does that make me stupid?”
“It makes you deprived, not stupid.” He turns on his big radio, falls down on his bed and rolls over to his night stand. “Have you ever smoked p
ot?”
I took one of Daddy’s cigarettes to try it once, it made me cough and my throat hurt. I don’t want him to think I’m a baby though, so I won’t tell him that part. “I smoked a cigarette once, is that the same thing?”
He shows me something that looks like a cigarette. “You smoke it the same way, except you hold the smoke in for a minute.”
Lighting it with a lighter, he puffs on it and it smells good. I sit next to him as he hands it to me. The smoke tastes better than the cigarettes. It still chokes me though and I start coughing so hard I think I might throw up.
Toben laughs. “Don’t take such a big hit next time, I bet that’ll fuck you up.”
We pass it back and forth, and by the time it’s halfway gone, my head feels blurry, my body is warm, and I’m smiling more than I think I ever have. I’m so happy that he came back that I could cry, and I am so excited that I’m actually inside someone else’s house. When we finish the ‘joint’ he says it’s called, he gets up, picks up a funny looking marker and hands it to me.
“You’re going to love this.” He walks over to his desk, flips a switch, and the room is pitch-black. Just as I begin to get nervous, a long, skinny, purple light comes on. His teeth, fingernails, and shoelaces are all glowing. Suddenly, writing and pictures appear all over the walls. It’s like magic!
“Pick a spot and write your name.”
Disappointment pokes my heart. “I…I don’t know how.”
I can’t see his face clearly, but he sounds sad when he says, “Shit, I’m sorry.” He takes my hand, leads me to the wall, and points to some writing. “Look, see this? It’s a T, it makes the ta sound in Tavin. It’s easy. Can you copy it?”
He’s right, it is easy. It’s just two lines touching. He does the same thing for each letter, and before I know it, I have written my name for the first time ever. I feel so big and important.
“There, you signed my wall, so now it’s official: we’re friends.”
“You’re my first.” Even though it’s embarrassing, I want him to know.
“And I’ll be the best.” His glowing smile makes me laugh. He goes back to his desk and turns on his bedroom light before shutting off the purple one. “Hey, I was thinking we could go to the beach today. Do you want to?”
I will go anywhere he wants me to. I catch his excitement and I can feel happiness in my voice when I tell him, “Yes.”
My dad may be an asshole, but Tavin’s parents make me feel like I might not have it so bad. At least I’m clean and fed. Sometimes, he will even give me money and buy me stuff so he can keep up the appearance of a normal, even good, dad.
Six days without food. I can’t imagine what that must be like. I’ve always felt alone in this, I never understand why I’m the only one with a dad who hates them. Everyone else’s dad is teaching them how to fix cars or play football, telling them they love them, and showing up to parent/teacher conferences. I see now that I’m not alone. If a girl like Tavin has parents that don’t love her, then it can happen to anybody.
I like it when she smiles, and her laugh is like a lullaby. I make it my personal mission to see that she does both as much as possible. She rides on the front of my bike on our way to the beach and her joy causes my grin to be a permanent fixture, as I watch her enthusiasm. When we arrive, I chain my bike to the rack and lead her to the shoreline, by holding her hand. We take off our shoes and bury our toes in the sand. I can feel the mist from the ocean on my face and taste the salt on my tongue. When the first tide rushes over our toes, she squeals with delight, and when I laugh, I feel it in the deepest part of me.
“This is the best day of my life,” she sighs, as she lies back into the sand and looks to the sky.
At first it makes me feel wonderful that I can do that for her. Then I realize that I can’t think of a single day, other than maybe when I found the letter from my mom, that was better than this. I lie on my side next to her, propping my head in my hand.
“You know what? I think it might be mine, too.”
She turns to me and grins. She makes me want to help her, to give her the things her crazy parents deny her. I will do whatever I can to make sure she never goes another day without some type of food. I will be her friend and I’m excited for her to be mine.
We pick out clouds that look like an elephant and a turtle and make up a story about them. Her laugh is contagious and before I know it, we are in our own world of Tavin and Toben, unaware of anyone else on the beach.
My stomach growls. “Hey, do you want to get some food?”
“Again?”
“Yeah, most people eat three times a day.”
“Three times?! Do you eat that much?”
I try not to chuckle, she just gets so stunned by such basic information. “Yes, silly.” I sit up and stretch my arms. “Come on, there are lots of shops on The Walk.” Standing up, I hold out my hand to her.
Once we make it to the concrete, Tavin throws her head back and groans, “It’s so hot! I can’t wear this anymore.” Ripping off her sweater, she exposes her bruised arms and they are worse than yesterday. I feel a pang of fear in my gut that she had been hit because of me skipping out last night.
I don’t even get the chance to ask her when a woman comes up to her. “Sweetheart, are you alright? Where are your parents?”
Adults and their questions. I have to think fast. “They’re right over there,” pointing toward a large group of people huddling by the glass shop, I add, “and we’re more than alright! We were in a car crash a couple days ago and are lucky to be alive. See?” I lift my shirt to show her my bruises that are as fresh as Tavin’s.
The woman covers her mouth in shock. “Oh my…”
That’s good enough for me, so I nod to her, clutch Tavin’s hand and skirt around the nosey bitch.
When we are far away from the lady, I stop and turn to her. “Look, I’m sorry that you’re hot, but you have to wear the sweater. You’ll draw the wrong attention. Please put it back on.”
She gives me a sad look, but still pulls it back over her arms.
“You have bruises, too.”
“Looks like our dads have a lot in common.” She doesn’t respond, she just scrunches her eyebrows and jerks her head. I nudge her shoulder with mine before leading her to the ice cream parlor. “How about burgers and milkshakes?”
Her smile is so big when she nods, that it makes me laugh.
We’re eating our food on the curb when a woman with a Polaroid camera around her neck approaches us.
“Hey, do you guys care if I snap a picture? I’ll give you one.” I shrug in response and she obviously takes that as a yes, with the click of a button. A blank photo prints out, and the woman removes it before snapping another picture. When she retrieves that one, she hands it to me. “Thanks, guys.” She waves to us and is on her way.
Tavin leans over to look. “There’s nothing there.”
“You have to shake it.” I show her and her face lights up as the photo comes into view. “See?” I give it to her.
“Wow! It’s just like magic.”
That makes me laugh, and I realize that I’ve been doing that a lot today. “It’s like dated technology is what it is.” I stand and hold out my hand. “We better get back. If my dad gets home and I’m not there, I’m as good as dead.”
She pulls her stare from the photo to look up at me. “Okay.”
After she gets back on my bike, I ride back to our neighborhood and across her lawn. She jumps off the handlebars and smiles at me before wrapping her skinny arms around my neck.
“Will you come over tomorrow?”
I grin at her. “Promise.”
She turns and runs to the side of the house to climb down the ladder into her window well. I watch her waving until she disappears, and I smile the whole way home.
What a wonderful day! The ocean is the prettiest thing that I’ve ever seen. I think it’s a creature, even if Toben did laugh at me for saying it. It moves in the most a
mazing way and it makes powerful sounds. You don’t know what it’s going to do until it does it and it smells so good. I’ve never had that much fun before. Never. He’s so nice and his eyes make me happy, and when he holds my hand, it’s the only time I’ve ever felt safe. Ever.
He promises he will come back tomorrow.
I look at the photograph the lady took and I hug it. Now I won’t ever forget today. I look at it again and I see that Toben is right. I’m covered in dirt and he’s so clean. Maybe I can ask Mommy to give me a bath, so that I won’t be dirty when I see him again, and maybe he’ll like me even more.
I decide to go see if she’s awake and alone. After I climb the stairs, I peek out of the door to see her by herself on the big chair. I creep towards her, nice and slow. She says I am too loud and too rowdy, so I try to not be either.
“Mommy?”
She’s tying herself off, so I better hurry and ask or it won’t be until later tonight that I will get another chance.
“Oh, good, Tavin!” My heart jumps because she’s happy to see me. I just knew she loved me. “I’m having a hard time finding a vein, come over here and help.”
Oh.
“Mommy, can I have a bath?”
“I just gave you one.” Her strap is falling down her arm, so I push it up. “Now, shut up and get this in.”
She hands me her syringe. Even though the veins are all blown out on her left arm, I’m able to find a good one on the right. I tap her and get the needle into her vein before I pull back on the plunger. Once I see the blood, I take off the tourniquet and push down, making sure to get it all into her. Moments later, her body is limp as she slumps into the chair.
Dang! Now I probably won’t get one at all because she will be useless for a long time and I don’t like to come up here when Daddy is home. If he sees me, he hits me. That’s just the way it is.