by Charity B.
“She was my world. The only one to make me feel anything…ever.” His hand wraps around my throat as his other is in a fist, punching my gut. I involuntarily double over, but he won’t allow it. “For nine motherfucking months you were all I heard about. It didn’t matter though, because she was happy and her happiness was the only thing that ever mattered. The day you ripped her apart was the day you killed us both.” He lets me go while I gasp for breath. I don’t get much before he hits me. “Every fucking day you look at me with her Goddamn eyes!”
I hear his sobs as he kicks and punches all over until I can’t really tell where he’s hitting me, my entire body just pulses with agony. I try to fight back, I always do, I just can’t ever stop him. He’s too strong. I’m somehow able to get to my feet and I see the box is full of wedding stuff.
He’s vulnerable and I’m going to use it.
“You think she would be happy if she could see how you treat me? She would hate you as much as I do! Do you do this because it’s my fault she died or because she loved me more than you?!”
It happens so fast. He snatches the box cutter off the table, spins, and lunges at me as he swipes the blade across my torso. The cold sting quickly bursts into hot pain. It feels like my entire chest is wide open. I look down and see the blood in the shreds of fabric, leaking through my shirt. When my eyes match his, I see no remorse and no regret, simply disgust.
“Take off your shirt, and I swear to God, Toben, I better not have to take you to the fucking hospital.” Even though it hurts something awful, I won’t let him see it as I lift my shirt over my head. He must be satisfied because he barks, “Get out of my sight.”
The stairs hurt the worst, but once I lie on my bed, I feel better. Damn it, I don’t think I’ll be able to see Tavin tonight. The thought of riding my bike sounds like torture. The idea of getting out of this bed is inconceivable, yet the blood is starting to get everywhere, so with a loud groan, I lift myself to go get a washcloth. In the back of my mind I think I hear a tapping sound, but I disregard it. I hear it again when I return to my room, yet it’s not until I try to clean myself that I hear it’s coming from my window. I look up and want to laugh because Tavin is sitting in the tree outside my bedroom, wearing a cheesy grin. When I open the window, her face falls as she stares at my chest.
“Toben! What happened?!”
Her concern warms my heart until it’s quickly overrun by fear as I watch her climb to the edge of the branch. The crazy girl is going to kill herself.
“Tavin, don’t you dare jump.”
Her body prepares for her to push. “Well, I am going to, so you better move out of the way.” She shoots off and there’s no way she is going to make it. My heart falls right before her bony little arms grasp on to the window sill.
I try to pull her up, but my body just hurts so badly.
“Damn it, Tavin, I just got the shit beat out of me, I am too sore for this,” I groan out. Finally, I’m able to pull her into my room and we both fall to the floor. Her eyes are so sad when she reaches out to touch the damage, pulling back at the last second.
“What did he do?”
I stand, dabbing it with the cloth. “I made the mistake of talking about my mom, so he cut me.”
She gets to her feet and hurries to me. “Here, lie down and let me try to clean it up.” She takes the towel and dabs it. I think the bleeding is finally starting to slow.
“You shouldn’t have jumped, Tavin. If you hurt yourself, we can’t take you to the hospital. You need to be more careful.”
“You’re hurt.” She says it like it is a full explanation as she tries to get all the blood.
She stays with me the rest of the night. I have her try to read the words off my poster and let her draw on my wall. She falls asleep on my floor and even though it hurts like hell, I pick her up and carry her to the bed. I get in behind her, hug her close, and thank whatever power may exist, that I found her.
I drop her off at her house on my way to school. My cut is bothering me, so I just have to be careful not to bump it.
While Christopher and I still talk at school, I think he’s hurt that I never hang out anymore. I don’t know what makes me decide it, I just really want to ask if I can come over. I always feel bad when I don’t go to Tav’s house. I do want to see her, it’s just, for some reason I feel like I need to spend some time with Christopher. She’ll understand.
“Hey, do you want to kick it after school?”
Christopher raises an eyebrow. “Really?”
“I know I haven’t been around for the last couple months…”
He smiles like all is forgiven. “It’s okay. We can ride our bikes to my house, together.”
He’s so understanding that it makes me feel worse for not making more time for him. I know Tavin needs me, but I can be there for both. I could have all of us hang out together, I just don’t think that they will exactly mesh. They met each other once when that prick Thomas called her retarded, and Christopher laughed along with him. I hated the way Tavin’s face had looked. Even if I can’t really tell him much about Tavin’s parents, maybe if I try to explain a little bit he will give her a chance.
I have a tight feeling in my stomach since this morning. It’s like I’m scared or worried, I don’t really know what about, though. It doesn’t ease up until I cross the threshold into the comfort of Christopher’s familiar room. We play video games and I realize that I haven’t picked up a controller in over two months. It’s a nice break and it does seem to settle my stomach. I stay as long as I can because I know once I am through my door the feeling will more than likely return. I don’t even make it to my house before the anxiety claws its way back over me.
I’m barely able to sleep, tossing and turning all night, I keep going hot or cold, and simply can’t get comfortable. I am out of bed before my alarm goes off and in the shower. With a stroke of luck, I’m able to leave the house without seeing my dad.
The day goes in slow motion. Not in a bad way, just like everything is going at a leisurely pace. When the school bell rings, I tell Christopher that we’ll hang out tomorrow, before I ride to Tavin’s.
Mr. James’ car is parked outside of her house again and I abandon my bike to climb down to her room. I can see her dancing through the window and I feel my cheeks lift in a grin as I push it open. She twirls around and her eyes light up when they meet mine.
“Toben!” She runs up to me and hugs my neck tight before skipping away. Following her, I throw my backpack on the bed and sit while she digs around under it. “Look what I made!” She tries to hand me a wad of torn cloth, I just have no idea what it’s supposed to be. “A prince doll for you and a princess one for me!”
Oh, jeez.
“Tavin, boys don’t play with dolls.”
She holds it in her lap and looks like I told her she was the stupidest girl in the world.
“Oh.”
It’s the saddest oh I’ve ever heard. I feel like a jerk when I give her a side hug, “Ah, come on, don’t be sad. You need to practice reading first, anyway. Then I will play with the dolls, just don’t tell anyone.” I wink at her.
With her big, sad eyes, she frowns at me. “I don’t want to read.”
She has been fighting me on reading the last week or so. Even though she’s getting burnt out, I think she needs to know this stuff.
“And I don’t want to play with dolls, but I’ll do it for you if you read for me.”
She still objects with an exaggerated fall, back onto her bed. “Okay, fine.”
I open the first book and she starts off great. Then she gets stuck on the word chair, “C-h-caha-a”
“Okay, hold on. Remember when I told you that when c and h are next to each other they sound like ch-ch? Words like chip, chew, change, and-”
“Chair!” Her arms are thrown up in victory and a low chuckle climbs up my throat.
“That’s right!”
I think about the letter from my mother in my pocket
and I almost have her read it, before I decide since she has already read through two books, that it’s good enough for today. Besides, she is starting to get restless.
“Alright, Tav, you did great. Do you want to play with your dolls now?”
Her face completely brightens when she smiles. I can practically see her bouncing with pride when she gives me the one that’s apparently the prince. It’s bunched up, so I stretch it out and see that it actually does resemble a doll. It has a head, body, arms, and legs. She’s drawn a face and hair on it, and I realize it’s made partially from her sheets. She found rubber bands and twist ties to separate the head and limbs and left hers without legs. She wants to pretend that they are a fairy prince and princess ruling over the forest. Even though I feel like a major idiot, when she’s happy and laughing, that’s when I feel good.
The door to her room opens and I hear footsteps. Oh, hell no, just let her dad try to beat her ass while I’m here. I’ll smash his head in with her TV. Mine isn’t here to stop me this time.
That’s when I realize there are two sets of feet coming down the stairs: Mr. James and the man I had seen him with before. They are both in casual clothing. That’s strange—I’ve never seen Mr. James in anything besides a suit. Why are they coming down here? Mr. James is carrying a black bag and the other man has a large dog cage. What the hell? Are they giving her a dog? Well, it won’t live long in this house.
The man I don’t know puts the cage and a tin can on the floor as Mr. James drops the bag and strides to the bed, his sights clearly on Tavin. Unease rises within me like a storm. Something is wrong, something is terribly wrong. I can feel it beneath my skin.
Bending forward, he gets down to eye level with her and ignores me all together, when he asks, “Do you remember me?”
“Yes.”
“Do you know what it means to buy something, Tavin?”
Her head barely jerks, just enough for me to know she’s nervous. “It means it’s yours.”
He laughs and I don’t know why because what she said is true, and it sends shivers through my whole body.
“That’s exactly right.” His large hand envelops her face as he holds her jaw and runs his thumb over her cheek before he taps her nose with his finger. “And you are my newest purchase.”
Quick as a flash, his hand goes to her hair and he clutches a large fist full, using it to throw her to the floor.
What is he doing?! Nobody else is going to hurt her! I have to stop him, I don’t know what to do, I just go for him. The next thing I know, my face is bursting and my back is cracking against the concrete. I don’t care. Ignoring the pain, I try to lunge for him again. All of a sudden, Mr. James’ hand is lifting me in the air by my throat. I can’t breathe and even though I hear Tavin scream in the distance, I’m not able to see.
I think the other man hit her because Mr. James’ face is angry when he barks out, “Not the Goddamn face, Kyle!”
She’s getting hurt and I can’t help her! I still try to kick him and loosen his grasp around my neck until I think the back of my head cracks open when he slams me against something hard. My vision is blurred and the buzzing is all that I hear, until his gravelly, calm voice fills my head.
“If you do not do everything I say, I will kill her. Defy me and I will slit her throat. Her living through this is completely up to you.” Finally, he releases his grip and I crumble to the floor. I gulp in large breaths as my throat burns and my eyes blur through unwelcome tears.
Mr. James is back on Tavin. “Your life is about to change, my little Lotus.” He pulls her to a kneeling position. “Put your hands on your thighs.” With a shaky body, she obeys. His voice holds sick humor when he says, “You will become well accustomed to this position.” What does he mean by that? Crouching down to her, I see him squeeze her chin to make sure she is looking up at him. “If you comply, things will be much easier for you. Now take off your clothes.”
“W-why?”
I feel all the air rush out of me. I may only be ten, but I know exactly what that means. Even with her scared voice making more tears threaten to fall, I can’t be weak right now.
Amusement laces his steady voice. “Because you are my new toy and I want to play.”
TAVIN IS TERRIFIED. SHE MAKES no attempt to do what he says, and he doesn’t really give her a chance to. He throws her back on the floor and tears open her dress. How am I supposed to just watch this? She’s fighting him and I am proud of her, she’s just never going to do enough to stop him. She bites down on his arm and he yells as he brings his knee into her stomach. The man named Kyle is grasping at my arm; his nails nearly breaking the skin beneath them.
“Tavin!” I scream for her.
I don’t understand why they’re doing this…he’s always been kind to her.
Upon hearing my voice, Mr. James turns and snarls, “Come here.” Kyle has a strong grip, so when he lets go, I almost fall, as Mr. James adds, “Hold her down.”
What?!
I can’t contain the tears any longer as the fear of what is going to happen consumes me. I promised to protect her, but I’m too weak. The only thing I can do is make sure she lives. I get down on the floor and hold her arms above her head.
“Please forgive me, Tavin,” I whisper through tears as Mr. James gets up to go to the black bag.
Her eyes are wild as they dart around in fear and her chest is heaving in quick spurts. Even though I’m shaking, I can feel her vibrating beneath me. As Mr. James returns, I glance up at him to see he’s holding a stethoscope. Small relief causes a breath to whoosh from my mouth, until he presses it to her skin. The smile that spreads across his lips freezes my blood.
He turns to Kyle with a shake of his head. “This shit gets me so fucking hard.”
I just know I’m going to be sick as he unzips his fly and licks his hand. In my head, I’m aware of what’s going to happen, and still, when he rips her body apart with his, it’s so much more horrible than I could have ever imagined. Her screams are the soundtrack to our nightmare as her body revolts against the torture he inflicts on her. Why is he doing this?! The bile keeps rising, and every time, I swallow it back.
The only thing I know to do is try to comfort her with my words, I’m just not sure if she can hear my whispers over her wails.
“Remember the first time you wrote your name? How proud of yourself you were? The first time you saw the beach and felt the sand on your toes? When you first tasted chocolate and read your first words? Remember our first kiss? Think of happy things. Go to the happy things.” I don’t know if this is helping and I don’t think she’s listening. I squeeze my eyes shut letting the tears pour, as I continue. “Someday, you will be a princess. You will have a long, pretty dress and we will dance in our castle, every day. Please imagine it, Tavin.”
“Look at me!” Mr. James’ voice booms through my veins. My eyes shoot open, and he’s glaring at Tavin. “Look at me!” He keeps screaming it in her face. He wants her to see what he’s doing to her. My heart shatters when Tavin’s pleas break from her lips.
“Toben! Please, Toben! Why won’t you help me?!” I want to scream. I wonder if I was an adult if I could stop them. Mr. James brings his elbow to her ribs momentarily causing a break in her cries. “Toben!”
She keeps calling for me, and every time he hits her. She can’t possibly think I’m purposely not trying to stop this, not protect her…can she? The thought chills me to the core, that in this moment, all she knows is that I’m not saving her.
I whisper around my sobs, “Please, Tavin, I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I don’t know how to make them stop.”
After what seems like an eternity of listening to her innocence die, Mr. James turns to Kyle; I almost forgot he was still here.
“Get it ready, but not too fucking much, this time.”
Kyle walks behind me, so I can’t see what he is doing. I’m using all my focus to hold her tight and try to get her body to stop shaking. She loves the song B
lack Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls and because of that, I know every word. Softly, I sing into her ear. The lyrics take on a deeper meaning causing the tears to pour from my eyes.
A thousand other boys could never reach you.
How could I have been the one?
I saw the world spin beneath you, and scatter like ice from the spoon…
Soon, Kyle returns and I’m horrified to see what he’s holding. I’ve seen my dad shove it into his arm too many times to not know what it is. He ties her off, cleans inside her elbow, and taps her. Her eyes get big and she doesn’t have time to do anything other than cry, before Kyle removes the tie and begins to push it into her vein. Her body heaves and she throws up onto Mr. James’ shirt. He looks down and his hazel eyes blaze before he smashes her head against the concrete.
“Fucking bitch!” He finally gets off of her and she lies still with empty eyes.
“Tavin,” I whisper.
All she gives me is a small mumble in return. I wish I believed in God because I would be praying that the drugs take her away from here so she doesn’t know what’s happening.
Mr. James pulls out a cigarette and lights it while Kyle returns to her body. His dark eyes reveal no emotion, and when I see the knife I want to scream!
I AM HELPLESS!
What am I supposed to do?! He drags the blade over her body, deciding where to inflict the damage. Above her elbow, on the inside of her upper arm he presses the sharp steel. Slowly, he cuts as the blood drips down her arm in streams of scarlet. I keep wanting to be sick, but I’m able to keep the contents inside my stomach. That ability is tested when he traces his tongue along the trail of blood. She isn’t moving. She isn’t here at all. I close my eyes and imagine our souls floating away from here, leaving our bodies with the demons.
I refuse to open my eyes as I try to block out the atrocious sounds. Her body keeps rocking into me again and again. I don’t have any sense of time, it seems endless and my hands are wet from sweat. How long my eyes are shut I don’t know, I just know I don’t open them until I feel her stirring.