by Charity B.
When I look through the slits in my eyes, what I see threatens my stomach again. She’s covered in blood and it’s all over me. It’s on my hands and arms. Mr. James is painted in red as well, and when he stands, he fastens his fly. More tears fall as the knowledge that he’s finished, trickles over me.
“We’re almost done for today, little Lotus. Now it’s time to exchange gifts.” He returns to his bag and I actually can feel the blood drain from my face when he pulls out a long piece of iron. From the corner of my eye, I see Kyle go into her bathroom and I don’t know if my heart can beat any harder, when Mr. James heats the end of the iron with a blowtorch. He’s going to burn her! Why can’t I be stronger and bigger?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
Kyle appears out of nowhere and rips her dress even more, cleaning her sternum with the disinfectant wipe and drying it with the towel. My voice screams in my own head as Mr. James comes toward us, smiling at me like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland.
“Hold her tight.”
He presses the hot metal into her flesh and the sizzling sound pierces my ears. I can smell the pungent burning of skin. I wish I could trade places with her. I wish it was me. I will hate myself until I die for letting this happen.
His gaze is back on me when he barks, “Take off your shirt and get on your knees with your hands behind your head.”
My fear shifts to myself. I’m terrified of what they plan to do to me. Kyle comes around behind me and my back feels cold from the wipe, but is soon followed by the softness of the towel patting me dry. The shhhh of the blowtorch sounds in my ear and I actually almost laugh with relief. I’ll take a branding over rape any day of the week. Mr. James circles behind me and I’m barely able to grit my teeth before a hole is burning into my back below my right shoulder. The pain is difficult to explain, because ‘hot’ is way too small of a word to describe the excruciating burn overtaking the right side of my body.
“AHHH! MOTHERFUCKER!”
The smell mixed with the pain is nauseating. I bite the inside of my mouth as I release my arms from my head so I can use them to support me as I lean forward.
He points at me. “Stay.”
After lying the iron rod on the floor to cool, he retrieves a small knife from the bag, turning his attention back to Tavin.
“You will always have a part of me. Now it’s my turn to keep a part of you.”
Hasn’t he taken enough of her? What else can he do?! I can barely focus. My back is on fire causing my mind to fantasize about being submerged in ice water.
Dropping to one knee, he yanks her foot onto his leg. I see the blade just as he digs the knife into the inside of her left ankle. He takes the piece of flesh he has just cut off of her body and holds it up in the light.
My eyes widen in horror as I look upon true, real-life evil. Reaching into his pocket, he takes out a locket and puts the piece of skin inside. I may not believe in God, at least not in the sense most people do, but I can’t deny the devil when he is standing right in front of me.
His gaze lifts to meet my eyes. “Get in the cage.”
I did what he asked with her, and now I’m done with this. He can kill me if he wants, there’s no way I am getting into a damn dog cage.
“Fuck you!” There’s so much more about to jump from my mouth when he pushes her legs open and holds the knife in a horrifying threat.
NO!
“You want to say that to me again?” I keep my mouth shut and shake my head. “Then get in the fucking cage!”
I crawl inside when I feel a shoe against my lower spine lurching me forward into the cage. I hear a clank, and when I’m able to turn around, Kyle is locking me inside. What are they planning on doing? How long are they going to leave me in here? Kyle returns everything to the black bag of horrors as Mr. James carries Tavin to her bed.
“You were a very good girl today,” he murmurs. He runs his hand over her hair and kisses her forehead. Without another glance toward me, he picks up the bag and both men finally leave.
I need her to talk to me, I need her to know I wanted to stop them.
“Tavin! I’m sorry, Tavin. I’m so sorry.” I shake the cage door. We need to get out of here! I need to hold her and try to help her. What if she never forgives me? “Please talk to me.” She won’t move or speak. “I didn’t know what to do!” I go hoarse calling for her. I need her and I need to be there for her, but I can’t because I’m in this cage covered in her blood.
“Tavin…I’m so sorry.”
I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like my body has been flipped inside out. Sharp pain radiates all over and I wish I didn’t have to breathe. Two very different memories fight each other in my mind.
One I think was an extremely real dream, because in that dream, I touched magic. I was magic. For the first time ever, I was perfect, safe, and untouchable. The other memory, though, I know was real, and from it, one fact rings out: Toben helped them and not me.
He didn’t try to protect me or save me and I don’t understand why. I heard the things he said, I heard him sing, but then he held me down for them! How could he do that? Mr. James was always so nice to me before. I don’t know what I did to make him hurt me so horribly and I don’t even know the man named Kyle. Daddy has never done the things they did.
The skin on my chest is burning. It’s so hot; it feels like my skin is melted, and I think they cut off my foot. Everything is blurry, I know I’m in my bed, though. Toben called my name for hours last night. I didn’t know what to say to him and I couldn’t make myself speak anyway.
He helped them. I wonder if he went home.
I don’t want to open my eyes, but I have to potty and I’ve held it as long as I can. Tears fall in response to the stabbing that starts at my shoulders and reaches to my toes. I’m able to push myself up and I still have both feet, even though one is wrapped up and bleeding. I’m used to the bruises on my arms, and now there are bloody cuts, too. I look down to see the blood on my sheets, and I cry as the fabric of my dress rubs over the heat on my chest. My whole body is so much more banged up and bruised than I’m used to. It aches every time I move. Putting a little bit of weight on my bandaged foot proves that I can walk on it, I just need to be careful. Once I am standing, I’m able to begin the journey to the bathroom, but I’m limping.
“Tavin?” Even though it’s hoarse, Toben’s voice glues me to the floor.
He’s still here.
Slowly, I turn my pounding head toward him. I’m so angry, and still, what I see breaks my heart.
“You’re in a cage.” My voice is messed up, too.
“Tavin, please, come here.” His hand is sticking out of one of the square holes. I go to him and carefully kneel down in front of him. I won’t touch him, though. I’m so mad at him! How could he do that? He’s the only one who has ever been nice to me, he’s supposed to be safe.
“You helped them!”
I try to scream. I’ve never yelled at him before. It hurts and I don’t care. He’s my best friend and he didn’t try to rescue me.
Tears wet his face as he shakes his head. I’ve never seen him cry. “No, Tav. Mr. James, he… he said if I didn’t obey him, then he would…kill you.” His fingers grip the cage, “I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. I just didn’t want you to die. Please, don’t hate me.”
Mr. James was going to kill me? Why? What did I do to him?
I’m in pain, confused, frightened, and sad. What would I have done if it was me? Hurt is not dead. I don’t want to be alone or mad at Toben anymore. I want to hug him, but I can’t.
“I have to go pee, I’ll be right back.”
Cracks in the dried blood on my thighs remind me of the veins in Mommy’s arm. I wonder if she will care if I tell her what they did. I’m careful as I wipe and I flush the toilet.
I feel different. I don’t exactly know how, all I know is why. My dress is ripped, and when I look down, I can see part of something below my chest. Looking in the mirror, I pull apart
the torn fabric to see angry, bright red lines dug deep into my skin, and it looks like…a flower? I don’t dare touch it, and somehow looking at it makes it hurt worse.
When I go back out to help Toben, I try to cover up the flower wound, even though I know he’s already seen it.
Shaking the cage in frustration, he says, “I can’t open it.” The sound of his voice is so sad. “Go upstairs and try to find a wire or something that I can pick the lock with,” he says.
I nod, and even that hurts. Climbing the stairs takes a while. I don’t know why I can’t just ignore the pain like usual. I make it to the top, but the knob won’t turn…it’s locked. It has never ever been locked before. I knock softly because I don’t know what time it is and Daddy might be home. I don’t think I can handle him right now.
“Mommy?” Holding my ear against the door, I listen for her and I can hear the TV, just not her. “Mommy, we’re locked in.” I wait for a little while before I make the journey back down the stairs, to Toben.
“It’s locked, so I’m going to go outside.”
It must still be night time because the sun isn’t shining, and the clock shows eleven one five. When I get to the window and open it, the first thing I see is that my ladder is missing. Turning my head, I look up and my stomach twists.
We’re trapped.
Something is covering the top of the hole. Maybe we can build a ladder and try to push it off? Oh…that won’t work. Toben is in a cage.
I slowly make my way to my bed, pull off a blanket, and pick up my pillow as something falls to the floor. I look down and it’s a lollipop! I remove the wrapper and put it in my mouth.
“Thank you for the sucker.” I tell him as I lay the blankets down.
He shakes his head. “That’s not from me.”
“Do you want some?” I hold it out for him.
He looks so grossed out when he rasps, “God, no. It must be from him.” I continue making my bed. “What are you doing?” His no-voice is shaky when he pushes his hand through one of the squares.
I hold it this time. “We’re stuck down here. The window is blocked off.”
Toben lies down in his prison to face me, as he whispers, “He said he bought you, but you can’t buy a person.”
I hate hearing him like this. “Please, stop talking, Toben, your voice is broken.”
I doze in and out of sleep as I keep hold of his hand and he keeps hold of mine.
“Tavin, come on, wake up.”
When I flip open my eyelids, he looks pained. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
I sit up and he looks away from me toward the tin coffee can on the floor. “I need to take a piss.” I’ve never seen him look so embarrassed. “I need you to hand me the can.” Reaching too quickly causes a stabbing pain to shoot through me to my fingertips. I cry out and Toben clutches the metal of his cage. There’s a hole in the cage the perfect size to slide in the coffee can, so I push it in for him.
“Will you close your eyes?”
Humming to myself as I lie down, I shut my eyes, and I try to give him as much privacy as I can without moving from this spot. When he’s finished, his embarrassment gets worse as we realize I will have to dispose of it in the bathroom. I don’t care other than the effort it takes to trudge there and back. I tell him so, and he still keeps apologizing.
We fall back asleep until I wake up to the sound of the basement door being unlocked and opened. “Toben!” I whisper as best as I can, with my voice still missing. His body stirs. “Toben! Wake up, someone’s coming.”
Jumping up, his eyes go wide. “What? Go hide!” I shake my head and immediately regret it because it causes the pounding to return. “Please, Tav!”
He’s begging me, but I don’t want to leave him out here alone. Footsteps begin their decent and his eyes are frantic. My heart beats wildly, and soon, my fear wins out and I run to my closet.
I’m suddenly not in as much pain as I try to silence my breathing.
Shoes are hitting the pavement when the voice that makes me want to shrivel up into nothing says, “Good afternoon, Toben.”
I wish I would have left the closet door open a crack so I could see. My stomach twists. I’m so scared, I think I might puke. I don’t ever want it to happen again, and I don’t understand how Mommy could want that. My leg gets really warm. I look down and I’m peeing, I’m just much too frightened to be able to stop it. My body won’t stop shaking as I realize his footsteps are getting louder. My closet door swings open and I look up into the face of my boogeyman.
“Oh, come now, little Lotus.” Kneeling down, he looks right into my eyes. “I’m not here for that today.”
Holding out his hand, he helps me to my feet. He glares down at the wet spot and his nostrils flare, but he says nothing about it. He leads me into my room and we stop at my bed. My blanket from the floor has been picked up and he’s put a bunch of bags on top of my mattress. He’s still holding my hand as he picks up a bag and leads us to my bathroom. I glance at Toben to see him gripping the metal, with fear etched all over his face.
Turning on the bathroom light, Mr. James lets go of my hand and starts the bath. He’s back in nice clothes, except he isn’t wearing his jacket and his sleeves are rolled up a little above his wrists. Reaching into the paper bag, he takes out a toothbrush and toothpaste. After spreading the paste across the bristles, he hands it to me and I begin brushing my teeth. He places the toothpaste in the cabinet and continues removing the contents of the bag. A towel is hung on the rack before he lines the edge of the tub with a wash rag, body wash, shampoo, and conditioner. He puts a bottle of lotion on the sink and places floss with two sticks of deodorant in the cabinet, before adding a pile of clothes to the table.
I finish brushing my teeth, and he takes the toothbrush, placing it in a case before putting it in the cabinet. I can already feel the steam coming from the bath.
“Take off your dress.”
He promised he wouldn’t do that! I cry when I shake my head and hug my arms.
“No.”
His shadow eats my whole body and I vibrate from the force of his fury.
“I want to let you heal, but disobey me again, and your brooding little friend in there will be cleaning up pieces of you off the floor. Now. Take. Off. The. Dress.”
I have to consciously make myself breathe again as I pull my dress over my head. My body screams, and I hear myself cry as he stares at me. Wrapping his hands around my ribs he lifts me up and carries me to the tub. He lowers me in and as soon as the water hits me, I scream. It’s so hot that it almost feels cold at first. He forces me into the boiling water causing my skin to instantly turn red from the scald. I try to fight and get out because if I don’t, my skin will melt from my bones.
“It’s too hot!”
The heat of the water getting into my cuts is excruciating, even if I’m momentarily thankful he hasn’t pushed me far enough in to reach the burn on my chest.
He holds me down without any effort. “It needs to be hot to clean your filth. You are a very disgusting girl, Tavin.”
Hey! I’m not disgusting!
I’m too scared to say that, though, so I frown at him. I can’t stop myself from whimpering even when I calm down.
Either the water is beginning to cool or I am getting used to it, because it doesn’t feel quite as bad, anymore. He leans me back so my hair is submerged and I think he’s trying to avoid getting the flower on my chest wet. When he lifts me back up, he rolls his sleeves up higher and shows me his arm. He has a tattoo and it is identical to the burn.
“Do you know what this is?”
I nod. “Yes, it’s a flower.”
He doesn’t smile, but his eyebrows relax when he puts the shampoo in my hair. “It’s called a lotus. It’s a symbol and a reminder that you are my property.” He doesn’t speak to me again until he is putting in the conditioner. “I know that you’re confused. Once you’re both clean, I’ll explain everything, okay?”
I no
d. He’s right, I am confused. He’s nice one minute and a scary monster the next.
He sighs. “When I speak to you, I want you to respond with words. Do you understand?”
Staring at the pink in the water, I tell him, “Yes, Mr. James.”
“My name is Logan.” He begins to soap up the wash rag and the water feels quite comfortable now.
“Hi, Logan.”
He chuckles at me as he lifts my arms to wash beneath them. After he washes me everywhere, he completely submerges me and the water touches the bloody flower and somehow makes it burn worse. I can’t yell because I am underwater, so when he pulls me up, I cry.
“It needs to be cleaned, Lotus. Don’t touch it or mess with it, okay? It will take a long time to heal, so just leave it the fuck alone.”
“Okay.”
He washes it, and I can see he is trying to be gentle. I don’t know why he’s being so nice after what he did yesterday. It doesn’t make any sense.
After he’s done, he pulls me up to a standing position and picks up the towel. He pats me dry and wraps my hair up. All of the cuts and wounds look much better now that the blood has been washed away.
Squirting lotion into his hands, he rubs them together and massages it into my skin. Even though it stings a little on the cut parts, mostly it just feels good. He gives me the deodorant before he hands me clean panties. When I finish and look up, I see the dress he is holding. It’s a brand new, purple dress. I don’t think any of my dresses have ever been new! It’s sleeveless with a white bow, and ruffles on the bottom. It’s so pretty! Just like a princess would wear, I bet. When he puts it on me, it lands at my knees and it feels so good to be all clean. In fact, I think the bath helped my soreness because that seems much better also. I feel pretty and I’ve never felt pretty before.
“Do you like it?”
The smile on my face stretches my cheeks when I say, “Yes.”