by Charity B.
She shrugs, stands up, and starts getting blankets from her bed. I don’t want her to sleep on the floor again while she’s still hurt.
“Will you sleep in your bed tonight? You need to heal and the bed would be better.”
She opens her drawer and takes something out. “Maybe you should have thought about that before you called him a ‘psychotic fuck’.”
Her tone catches me off guard, she rarely snaps at me. “Are you mad at me?”
She kneels by my cage to make her bed and brings her eyes up to mine. “I need you out here with me.”
I know she’s right. I need to bite my tongue because she’ll end up paying for it one way or another. What she doesn’t know is, I need to hug her as much as she needs me to.
“I’m sorry. It was stupid and not worth the moment of satisfaction. I promise I’ll be out there with you next week. Okay?”
I put my hand through the cage to hold her hand, and when she grasps it, my breathing takes on the calm it always does when I touch her.
She nods and reaches down with her free hand to push my prince rag doll through a hole in the cage, while hers stays in her lap.
“He let us keep them.”
She smiles, yet it isn’t a happy one. I look down at the rags and the smudged blood mocks me. These dolls are our last memory of before. Our last taste of freedom.
I’m scared. I’m scared for her and I’m scared for me. While our fate is uncertain, it’s also terrifying, and I cringe when I think of what’s in store for us. We have to make a plan before next week. We can’t let him tear us apart no matter what he does or makes us do. We are all each other has.
It’s us against him.
“Please, look at me, it’s not a big deal.”
His eyes flicker to mine, darker somehow, as his face twists in self-disgust and humiliation.
“You had to clean up my shit, Tavin.”
He shakes his head and looks away. I hate that he feels like he has to be embarrassed around me. He held it for two days before he couldn’t anymore. I went into the bathroom to give him some privacy, but it still had to be disposed of when he was finished.
Blowing air through my closed mouth causes my lips to vibrate as I turn on the music.
“Are you hungry?”
“God no, I’m not eating for the rest of the week.”
He’s being a baby.
“Stop it, Toben. Don’t you think I hate that you’ve seen…everything?” I gesture up and down my body so he knows what I mean. “It is what it is, so being embarrassed and not trusting each other only hurts us.”
He slumps against the side of his cage. “I trust you, Tavin, there’s just something dehumanizing about having someone clean up your crap, and I hate that it was you.”
“Well I’m glad that you were with me when they…did that.”
I know I’m a bad person because I am grateful he’s here.
He lets out a groan. “That’s not what I meant.” His face softens and I feel relief at the appearance of a small smile. “There is no one I would rather be traumatized and trapped with, other than you.”
I grin before I lie down on my floor-bed. “Will you sing me one of your songs?”
His smile is full now. “Of course, my book is in my backpack.”
All of his songs and poems are so pretty. His voice sounds so different when he sings, and the words fit together perfectly. I close my eyes as his words sprinkle over me.
I find his hat under the bed. It must have fallen off when everything happened. I hand it to him and it seems to make him more like himself, when he puts it on.
Then he brings up reading.
“Why don’t you go get the books you want to read, from my bag. It’s been a while since you’ve practiced.”
What does reading matter now? “Why should I? Besides, I don’t want to. Let’s eat some of the food.”
“Being held prisoner in your own basement by a lunatic is no excuse to stop learning to read.”
He grins as he says it. His smiles are connected to mine and I think mine are connected to his. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his iPod, keys, and a folded piece of paper. “Here,” He gives me the iPod and the keys through the cage. “You can throw away the keys…literally. They’re to my house and I’m never going back there.” He points to my nightstand. “Put the iPod in the drawer, I don’t know how much of your constant alternative music I can stand, so I don’t want it to get broken.”
After doing what he tells me, I sit back down as he starts unfolding the piece of paper, his hands are a little shaky and he seems nervous.
“I’ve never shown this to anyone.” His eyes scan the worn paper before folding it back up and slipping it to me through the cage. “I found it in my old baby book, a couple of years ago. I think the only reason my dad kept it is because it has her writing in it. She wrote it when I was still in her stomach. This is how mothers are supposed to be.”
I take the paper and it’s so flimsy and soft; it doesn’t even crinkle. I am very careful, and when I look at the first word at the top of the page, I know it instantly.
Toben,
I begin sounding out each letter for each word, and even though Toben has to help me with a couple of words, I am able to read most of them.
Each sun that sets brings me closer to the day that I will be able to hold you in my arms. I feel you move and it fills me with so much overwhelming joy that I weep. I dream of the man you will become. Will you have my blonde hair and dark brown eyes or your father’s blue eyes and dark hair? I dream of your voice and how it will sound the first time you say ‘mommy’. I love you with everything I have and it comes from so deep inside of me that I didn’t even know it was there until your soul made its way into my womb. I think of what I want for you, and at first, all I wanted was your happiness, and though I do want that, I quickly found that I desire so much more for you. I want you to be strong, kind, and confident. Be brave, love, and always see the sunshine. I know your father is a hard man, though he does have love in him. I see it every time he looks at me and I feel it in his touch. Be patient with him, for he loves you as well, even if he struggles with how to show it. You are my perfect little man and I cannot wait to finally meet you. I may not be able to give you everything, but I will always protect and take care of you, my Love. You are part of me, the best part.
-Mommy
My eyes are rimmed with tears while I read the most beautiful thing in the world. Toben’s mommy had loved him more than I knew was possible. The letter makes me sad. It makes me sad because his mother had been an angel and he never got to meet her or hear her voice. It makes me sad because my mommy doesn’t love me like that. When I look up to Toben he is smiling as a tear rolls over his cheek.
“That was nice, thank you, Tavin.”
Logan never told us exactly what day or what time he would be back, so the tension grows thicker with each passing day. Last night, as we held hands to go to sleep, we promised that no matter what happens, we will never hold it against each other. We will obey his every order and try to keep him happy.
Even though I want Toben out of the cage, it still has been a nice week for me. I haven’t been hungry, dirty, or beaten in over five days. If Toben could have been out here, then the week would have been wonderful. He promises me that he will do everything in his power to stay out and I just hope he stays quiet. I miss hugging him. Our food supply is low and we each only have one set of clothing left. According to the calendar, tomorrow will be a week since Acclimation Day and Toben says that he doubts Logan will come early in the day because he probably has to work.
I clean my room and make my bed. I want everything to look perfect for him. Then maybe he will see that we are trying to be good and he will be nice again.
My stomach hurts so badly that I can’t eat and I even throw up. Toben tells me to calm down, that it’s just my nerves, but I don’t see him eating anything either. I finally do something I should have done a long
time ago: I dance.
I turn up the radio and twirl around my room. I imagine I’m a fairy princess flying around the forest. Everyone looks at my incredible wings as I fly by them. Toben is captured by the dark fairy king and only my magical dance can free him…
“LOTUS!”
His booming voice jerks me from my imaginary existence and when my eyes fly open, his are burning into me. Fury consumes his face and I want to hide under my bed. I glance at Toben and his fingers are white from holding the cage too tight.
“Do not look at him. Look at me.” My attention snaps back to him. “If you cannot hear me speaking to you, then the music is too loud. Do not do that again, Lotus.”
“Yes, Logan.”
He’s wearing his suit again today. Slipping off his jacket, he walks to my radio to turn off the music.
“Kneel on the floor with your hands on your thighs.” My knees hit the cold concrete and my gaze finds the black bag. He circles back around to face me as he firmly orders, “Do not move.”
I nod and he glares. Oh, yeah, I have to speak. “Yes, Logan.”
He picks up some grocery bags and takes them to the fridge before he removes clothing from the black duffel. He goes into the bathroom and we don’t speak, even though our eyes tell each other to be brave. As long as we’re both alive and he’s out of the cage when Logan leaves, we will count ourselves successful.
When Logan emerges, he’s wearing a blue T-shirt, jeans, and sneakers. He jogs back upstairs without acknowledging us. I knit my eyebrows in question at Toben, while he just shrugs.
We sit there in the silence until there is a loud bang at the top of the stairs. Once they are far enough down, I can see that Kyle and Logan are bringing down a washing machine on a metal carrier with wheels. After they bring it into my room, they set it down and go back upstairs repeating the process with the dryer.
When the machines are next to each other, Logan lights a cigarette and brushes past me to the cage. As he unlocks it, he tells Toben to take a shower. Toben seems to have a hard time and it takes him a while to stand up straight. He staggers to the bathroom, while I have to remain where I am.
This position is getting uncomfortable.
While Toben is in the bathroom, Logan and Kyle go back upstairs. Within moments, I hear the scraping of the cover being removed from the well. I expect them to come from the window, so it startles me when I hear them coming back down the stairs. Toben takes longer in the shower then he did last time, still, he finishes quickly. He’s towel drying his hair when he comes out and I can tell he feels better.
“Get on your knees with your hands behind your head,” Logan orders from across the room. “When I tell you to kneel, these are the positions I want.”
“Yes, Logan,” we say, together.
Toben kneels right next to me, lacing his fingers behind his head, as we quietly wait for our instructions. The clanking of the washer and occasional murmuring between Logan and Kyle is the only sound until he finally addresses us. “You may both get up and sit in the window to get some sun.”
We climb inside the window as they set up the machines. The warmth feels good on my skin and the fresh air seems to clean my head. The cuts have been healing well, though my flower is still horribly red and still hurts. It’s even started to itch. I try not to scratch it though because he said to leave it alone.
“Do you feel better now that you are out?” I whisper.
He nods and grumbles, “We’ll see how long that lasts.”
I close my eyes as I enjoy the smell of outside, until Logan’s voice makes my eyes open.
“Alright, that’s enough, back inside.” Once we are back through the window, he turns to us, and when he speaks, it’s directed at me. “Kneel in front of your bed.” I obey. Kyle is gone and the room has a heavy pressure as Logan steps to his bag.
“Come here,” he barks at Toben. Once he is by his side, Logan gestures to the bag. “Pick one.”
“W-what?” Toben’s disturbed expression makes my palms sweat.
Logan towers over him, leaning forward to get closer to his face. “Pick a tool to use while I play with her.” He speaks each word slowly and clearly. My blood goes cold and I feel like I might be sick. “Do not make me ask you again.”
I can see Toben’s whole body shaking from where I kneel, as he crouches down to look through the bag. Finally, he pulls out something long. It looks like a wooden stick, then I see it is actually multiple flat wooden sticks bound together by thick, brown twine. I think I hear a slight chuckle when Logan praises, “The five-core. An excellent choice, Plaything.” He stalks over to me and his fingers grab his zipper to undo his pants. I shut my eyes tight. “Do not fucking dare close your eyes! Look at me.”
I don’t want to! I don’t want this to happen and I don’t want to see. No! No! NO! I want to scream, I just know it will make everything worse.
“NOW!”
I slowly open my eyes and he grabs my head. I’m instantly choking when the tears fall full force. As much as I try to pull my head away, he just pushes down harder and makes horrible noises. The hot burn of sick claws up my throat and spews out all over him.
“Fuck!” He yanks me away from him and throws me to the floor by my hair. “Disgusting cunt!” He storms off to my bathroom as I choke and gasp.
Toben is by me in a second. He runs his hand across my spine as he whispers, “Are you okay?”
My body trembles as I nod to him. My face is wet from crying and my throat burns from the vomit.
Logan has taken his shoes and socks off so I don’t even hear him before he yells, “KNEEL!” We jump apart from each other and I frantically scramble to my knees. Logan jerks the tool that Toben has picked from his hand, and circles around behind us. “Take off your shirts, both of you.” Without his shoes, I can’t hear where he is and it adds to my fear. I can see Toben out of the side of my eye. I don’t dare look at him straight on, though. It seems to be a long time before Logan speaks again.
“This is because of you, Lotus.”
I hear a swoosh followed by a th-th-th-th-thwack. In the seconds after he hits him, there is nothing. It’s perfectly quiet. Then his soul tearing howl rips through the silence, causing my head to involuntarily snap to him as he falls forward.
“Kneel!”
Slowly, Toben struggles back up and brings his hands back behind his head. He barely gets into position when I hear the swoosh and thwack sounds again. His cries hurt my ears and my heart. I didn’t throw up on purpose! I don’t even know how to stop it from happening again!
“Kneel!”
Poor Toben can barely lift himself with his shaky arms before getting them behind his head, when Logan hits him again. All I do is cry as he wails in agony. He’s being hurt and it’s my fault. Toben falls forward again and Logan throws the five-core on the ground next to him.
“Pick it up.” Toben is so strong and brave when he pushes himself slowly to his feet. “Hit her.” Toben’s wet eyes go wide and I see his jaw twitch, even though he stands behind me without complaint. “Hit her hard, Plaything. Don’t piss me off.”
I hear Toben inhale deeply, so I do the same and listen for the swoosh sound. As soon as I hear it, my body gets tight. I know I hear the th-th-th-th-thwack of it hitting me, but Toben is a big ol’ baby! This doesn’t even hurt! As soon as I have the thought, it’s as if large vines of hot excruciating torture climb up my back and wrap around my entire body. I am screaming before I know that I am, and my body is lying on the concrete floor.
“Kneel, Lotus.”
I have to be strong like Toben and with weak arms I am able to push myself back up.
“Again!”
Logan falls to his knees holding me up by my shoulders. When I hear those haunting sounds of what is to come, I squeeze my eyes shut. The explosion of extreme pain causes my screams to rip through my throat, as he rages, “Look at me!” As he stands, he lets go of my shoulders and I fall forward.
He doesn’t make
him hit me again, he just kicks my ribs and tells me to get on my bed. I look up to Toben and his face is red and wet just like mine probably is. All I can do is crawl and once I reach the bed, climbing up is the hardest part.
Logan is back at his bag, quickly finding what he’s searching for. I keep thinking I can’t be anymore scared than I am, and then he does something else. He has a knife! We have done everything he’s asked, and he’s still going to kill me. I don’t think I want to die yet.
Toben was right. It does happen again and we can’t do a thing about it. He holds my wrists against my stomach while he cuts into my chest with the knife. He keeps asking Toben if he is watching, in between screaming at me to look at him. I want this to be over, and I keep looking at Toben, aching for the moment that we can sleep in each other’s arms. Slice after slice he cuts me, the sweat causing them to sting and burn. I will never completely heal if he does this every week. I’m at least grateful that I don’t have to feel his weight on top of me this time.
My soul falls to my toes when he orders Toben into his cage. The idea of another week with him in that box makes me sick. This hurts so bad and when I cry out in pain, Logan just smiles at me and says, “We need to work on your screaming. That will be next week’s lesson: The art of shutting the fuck up.”
He gets off of the bed and I sigh with relief because I think he’s finally done, except he doesn’t put his clothes on. Instead, he goes back to the bag. As soon as I lay eyes on the kit, I remember he had given it to me last time he did this. He heads to my table and begins opening it up.
“I understand that you are quite capable of cooking and administering heroin, is that right?”
“Yes, Logan,” I whisper.
“Good.” He turns to Toben. “You need to pay attention as well. Come out here and kneel.” As Toben obeys, he goes to his bag and removes a spray bottle and a cloth. “Follow my instructions to the letter, every single time you inject, do you understand?”