by Charity B.
Then there’s her face. Logan has never once hit her face, and my beautiful Tavin is completely unrecognizable. He leans over her, tenderly running his hand along her head, and places his mouth next to her ear. He whispers, and I still hear him clear as day.
“He will suffer, Lotus.”
When he turns, his hard face has glowing eyes, a tense jaw, and straining features. I get a thrill at the fantasy of what he will do to Brian. I go to Tavin, lightly kiss her temple, and whisper, “I’ll be right back.” I stand behind a fuming Logan, drop to my knees, and lace my fingers behind my head. Submission is always the way to go if you want something from Logan James. When he spins around, he almost trips over me when I blurt, “Please, let me help. Whatever you do, I want to help.”
He exhales through his nostrils. “I have a lot to consider, and I will take your request into account. Nevertheless, nothing can be resolved this evening.” Rolling his neck, he says, “She needs a fix.”
I hear him pounding up the stairs while I crawl into bed with her. Barely touching her face and hair with my fingertips, I’m able to really see her. Her nose is cut, her eyes are swollen shut, her lip is busted, her neck is red, and I can’t even imagine what the bruises will look like in the morning. What the hell was he thinking? Does he just think Logan won’t mind? I can’t wait to finally hear him beg for death.
She’s not able to open her eyes to look at me and the poor thing isn’t even able to cry, so all she can manage are the saddest little whimpers I’ve ever heard.
“I’m so sorry that I wasn’t here.” I haven’t cried in a while. I officially am now, though. “You’ll be alright, Tav. I’ll take care of you.” I have the fear that Logan won’t want her anymore because of her face. What if he decides to kill her before she expires? I can’t think like that right now. “Just hang on, in just a couple minutes you will be free of all this. You’re going to sleep on a rainbow while the fairies dance around and sprinkle you with their dust.” She moans and tries to move. “Shhh, relax.” I wish Logan would hurry.
He finally returns and has her fixed up right quick. Her poor body is finally getting much needed relief.
“Is she going to be okay?”
His nod is what I need, to exhale. “She will heal. Our playdate is cancelled for tomorrow and we probably won’t play for quite a few weeks.” That surprises me. I know he’s mad about her face, I just never thought he would let it interfere with his activities. As if hearing my silent question, he adds, “These wounds are not from me. I’m not the one who broke her, this time. If I continue to hurt her, then I won’t know which marks are mine for weeks. They should all be fucking mine.” He irately shakes his head. “I want beauty among my destruction, and he completely fucked up her face. I have no idea how long that will take to heal.”
He starts putting away the works and I sit up. Watching him cook the smack makes me want it terribly.
“Logan? Can I have some?”
He continues without pause. “No, Plaything, you need to keep an eye on her. Besides, your limit is twice a week and you’ve already had that.”
“What are you going to do to him?”
While pocketing the little bag, he releases an irritated breath. “I don’t know, Toben. I’m not going to kill him, though nothing would pleasure me more at the moment.”
“Why not?!” I yell at him. He’ll kill innocent girls, but not someone deserving of his wrath.
His eyes flash and that’s never good.
“Kneel.”
I do, and he glides to the corner of the room where he keeps a couple tools for occasions such as this. He chooses the flagrum. He modified it from its original version and actually made it less terrifying. Initially, it had little shards of glass and bone sticking out of pieces of lead at the end of each strap. Since he doesn’t want to rip our backs completely off, he replaced them with little cast iron balls no bigger than a dime. While it won’t cut me, it will bruise the shit out of me and it hurts like hell.
“Do not ever raise your voice to me again, do you understand?”
“Yes, Logan.”
I can see his shiny black shoes coming toward me and as soon as they disappear from my sight, I hear the inevitable whoosh. The hard thud rolls over me and melts into steady, powerful anguish. While I may not be as quiet as Tavin, that doesn’t mean I scream and cry like Morgan, either. I let out more of a growl than a yell and right myself, preparing for the next blow. He hits me two more times and it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to get back up.
“Kneel.” Once I am in position, he barks. “Get up.” With a groan, I push myself to my feet. “I don’t want an investigation anywhere near this house, but he knew the consequences if he ever came near her again. I won’t kill him, however, I will cause him great pain.” He returns the flagrum to the corner. “Don’t let her move around too much and try to keep her comfortable. Remember to call me if anything worrisome happens.”
“Yes, Logan.”
Once he’s gone, I lie down next to her. It’s oddly a relief to know my heart can still break.
“I KNOW, TAV, BUT YOU still need water. I promise it’ll make you feel better,” Toben tells me.
It’s almost been a week since Dadd-Brian came down here. He isn’t my daddy and Lacie isn’t my mommy, so I need to stop calling them that. I don’t have a mommy and daddy anymore. I have Toben and Logan. Last week when he showed up for our playdate, he didn’t do a single thing to me. He didn’t even make me kneel! He just looked me over and we all got high together. It was wonderful. He even gave me a treat. It wasn’t candy because it would be hard for me to eat. It was cherry cola and it was so delicious.
My throat is dry and it burns when I drink the water. I know Toben is right though, so I allow the cool liquid to trickle down. I’m able to move around, even though my whole body hurts no matter what I do. Logan says that just because my face is ugly now, it doesn’t mean it will stay this way forever. If it means he won’t touch me anymore, then I hope it does stay forever.
“There, now next time won’t be so bad.” I test his theory and take another drink. He’s right. I didn’t know I was so thirsty. He lifts my chin, inspecting my face just as he does every day. “Oh yeah, you’re definitely healing up well.” My expression must have told him everything because his shoulders sag. “You don’t want it to get better.”
“If my face stays ugly then he won’t … fuck me.”
Twisting his features, he barks at me, “Tavin! Don’t talk like that!”
“Why not? You and Logan do!”
He rubs the back of his neck and shakes his head. “Jeez, I know, but coming from you it’s just…weird.”
I frown at him. It makes me mad that he thinks I’m such a little kid. For all we know, I could be older than him!
“I’m not a baby.”
“I know you’re not a baby. I’m sorry, you’re right, you can talk any way you want.”
Good, that’s all I wanted him to say. I have to pee so I push myself off the bed. I’m still weak and my arms shake with my struggle.
“Hey, what are you doing?”
“I have to potty.”
He gets up and helps me like he has every time I have had to go to the bathroom, since this happened. The first day was the worst because he had to carry me and hold me on the toilet so I wouldn’t fall. His hand is on my waist to guide me, even though I don’t think I need it. When we get inside, he begins to lift my dress and I stop him.
“I can do it myself now.”
He nods and lets me do everything, while he still stands right next to me. After I wash my hands, he opens the bathroom door and I see Logan is sitting on our bed.
He’s holding a stack of clothes as he rises and glides toward us, his gaze is on Toben. “Help her into her kneel position and then assume your own.”
Logan heads toward the bathroom and before he closes the door, Toben responds, “Yes, Logan.”
Toben lowers me to the floor and is b
arely in position when the bathroom door opens again. Logan is dressed in his play clothes?! It’s not even my day! He crouches down in front of me, pats my hair, and kisses my forehead before picking me up and carrying me up the stairs.
“Come now, Plaything.”
Toben hurries behind us and I smile at him over Logan’s shoulder. I haven’t been upstairs in almost a year and a half, so I hope he’s going to take me outside! Whenever he lets us sit in the window well, the hot sun feels amazing. I love summer, even if Toben hates it.
When Logan opens the basement door, I turn my head around to see my m-Lacie on the couch. It’s strange, I haven’t thought much about her, and now that I see her, I want her to have missed me. She doesn’t though, she doesn’t even smile at me as Logan carries me toward her.
“Get off the couch, cum dump, and go get Brian.”
She sucks in her cheeks as she obeys him, and he lies me down. Moments later, I hear Brian screaming at her before he stomps down the stairs into the living room. She’s following him and Logan points as he yells at her. “Lacie, get the fuck out of here or you’ll become an unwilling participant.” She doesn’t argue as she vanishes back down the hall.
He towers over Brian as his arm gestures toward me. “Do you have an explanation for this?”
Snarling his lip, Brian rolls his shoulders back. “This is my house and that’s my kid, so if I want to beat her to death, that’s my prerogative.”
He’s never called me his kid before. I have always hated him, but my heart flips.
The vein in Logan’s neck pops out as he reaches out and wraps his hand around Brian’s throat, forcing him to his knees. “Did you think the five hundred thousand dollars I paid you was because I felt generous? SHE IS MY MOTHERFUCKING PROPERTY! My instructions were crystal clear. You not only played with my toy without my consent, you broke her, and now I won’t be able to play with her for weeks.” He releases his grip and while Brian gasps and chokes, he punches him in the face. Logan stands and turns his head enough that I can see his profile while he lights his cigarette.
“Toben?”
“Yes, Logan?”
Logan stalks around Brian, who’s spitting blood on the floor. “Pick a tool and have fun.”
“Yes, Logan!”
Toben’s being more than compliant, he’s…excited.
Bouncing to the black bag in the corner, Toben digs through it and settles on a pair of pliers. Marching up to Logan, he cranes his neck and looks up at him.
“I remember reading in a Steven King novel, once, about a woman getting her fingernails pulled out. I’ve always been curious about it. Can I try it?”
How can he be so enthusiastic about this? Even though I know he hates Brian, I never really thought he would be able to do any of those things he talked about.
Toben’s body vibrates in anticipation as Logan nods and says, “Only do a couple of them, though.”
Brian begs and apologizes for hurting me, as Toben backhands him across the face with the pliers. He sits down on his stomach and his hair touches Brian’s face as he leans over him and grins.
“I have dreamt about this.”
I’ve never seen Toben this way before. The tool is momentarily forgotten on Brian’s chest while he grips his hair and jerks his head toward me. When Toben looks up at me, I am stilled by the deep shade of darkness in his eyes as they burn into mine.
“This is for her.”
Brian’s screams and pleas are a steady constant for the next hour until he finally passes out. When this began, it scared me to see Toben acting this way. He laughs at Brian’s cries and Logan smiles in approval. As it continues though, Toben yells at him all the things he knows he did to me. I remember how horrible Brian was, he never once was kind. I remember all the beatings, the hate, the fear, and Mr. Tickles. My poor Mr. Tickles. I decide Brian deserves everything he’s getting. They’re doing this for me. I love Toben so much, I’m going to cover his face in kisses and give him big hugs when Logan leaves.
As they finish, Logan cleans his tools as Toben walks over to me, smeared with blood. Crouching down in front of the couch, he smiles and takes my hand.
“I guarantee he’ll never come near you again.”
He leans forward and kisses me, right in front of Logan. We kiss sometimes when we are alone, never in front of him, though. I’m surprised he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he smiles at us.
As Logan puts away the last of his tools, he closes his bag and hollers, “Lacie, get your gaping cunt out here!”
She’s back in the living room so quickly, I bet she never even went upstairs.
“Oh my God!” She runs over to Brian and drops to her knees to lift his head into her lap. “Is he going to be okay?”
“He’ll live. As long as he keeps his mouth shut and stays away from Lotus.” He grabs Brian’s feet. “Remind him when he wakes, just because I don’t want to be investigated, doesn’t mean I fear it. I am untouchable and it would be in his best interest to not forget it. Now, where do you want him so I can clean his rank blood off of the floor?”
She glares at him and says, “In our bedroom.”
They all three carry him into the hallway and up the stairs. For some reason, I have the feeling that this will be the last time I’ll ever see the people who used to be my parents.
When Logan and Toben return to the living room, the sight of them covered in blood is so beautiful that I wish I could take a picture. I would save it with the one of me and Toben, on The Walk.
I look around my living room as they clean up the floor, I don’t know if I will see it again, either. I don’t like to think about Logan’s threats to kill me. I like to not believe him. I imagine that maybe he’s started to love me, but then I remind myself that he could never love someone so filthy and gross.
You are a very disgusting girl.
A jolt of pain takes me out of my thoughts. I’m being lifted into the air by Logan, as he carries me back to the basement. He takes me into the bathroom after snapping, “Kneel” at Toben.
Taking off my clothes, he puts me in the shower as he turns on the water and undresses himself. He doesn’t touch me in the bad way, he just washes our bodies free of the blood and grime.
Once we are both clean, he wraps me in a warm towel and dries me off before he puts lotion on me.
He whispers, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again,” before chuckling to himself.
“That’s pretty. Is it a poem?”
He lets out a real laugh this time. “No, it’s from one of my favorite films.”
What the heck is a film? “Oh.”
“What’s your favorite film, Lotus?”
I shrug my shoulders. Now he will think I am so stupid.
You are stupid. A stupid, nasty, little bitch, and he already knows it.
“I don’t know.”
Silently, he stands and puts his clothes on. Nice ones this time. I let out a slow breath as he gently slides a dress over my head and I keep my hands on his shoulders for balance as he pulls my panties up my legs. Even though I can walk fine, he still picks me up and puts me to bed.
Kissing my forehead, he whispers, “Heal quickly, Lotus.”
Not if I can help it.
As soon as the basement door is closed and locked, Toben climbs in bed, kissing me and holding me tight. He presses his forehead to mine.
“Do you feel better after your shower?”
“Yes.” Tracing my finger across his jaw, I whisper, “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
He pulls back with a smirk on his face and snorts. “Where did you hear that?”
“Logan said it to me. Isn’t it pretty?”
His smile falls, replaced by disgust. “Yeah, pretty fucking creepy. Of course he would quote Silence of the Lambs, Buffalo Bill is probably his idol.”
Sometimes he says a bunch of words, and I know what they mean on their own, just not together, so I stay quiet.
/>
He falls asleep pretty quickly, the steady softness of his breathing is such an amazing sound.
I watch him dream and he looks like he did when we first met. He looks so much older while he’s awake.
Something’s changed with him. I’ve tried not to notice it for a while, and it doesn’t make a difference anyway. I will always love my Toben, my only friend.
No matter what.
Nine months later—April, 2004
Fuck. FUCK! I’m not ready for this again!
Anniversaries. I hate motherfucking anniversaries!
I can’t stand Morgan, I swear she’s nothing more than snot and tears, but that doesn’t mean I want her to die.
He’s going to expect more from me this time. I’ve almost become comfortable with cutting, whipping, and beating her. This though, this is gonna get brutal. She’ll be in pieces before this is through.
This is way too soon after the nightmare with Kyle.
Every time they get a new girl, the other one will participate in the initiation process. Logan keeps his girls from ages ten to fifteen. The ‘sweet spot’ he calls it. ‘Revolting’ I call it. Kyle on the other hand…well, his never last that long. He keeps his girls for as long as they live. He doesn’t clean, feed, or clothe them. He doesn’t want their respect or obedience, he just wants their blood. He also doesn’t use any stupid words or give them drugs. I don’t know why Logan brought me along to that particular one, and I couldn’t have been more relieved when Kyle told him he didn’t want me involved. It didn’t matter that Logan was pissed, because it was Kyle’s girl, so it was Kyle’s rules.
I had no idea how he found them at the rate they must be dying on him, and I later found out he would go months at a time without a single girl because he couldn’t keep up with himself. They cut off and skinned so many body parts, it kind of runs together. Logan has told me of their fascination with medieval torture, in high school, and it was apparent in the sinister bloodbath. I humiliated Logan when I got sick halfway through, earning me a few nights in the cage and an angry as hell Tavin. She wouldn’t have been mad if I told her the real reason though. Not that it’s an option.