by Charity B.
“Fuck him, we don’t need or want his love.”
Tonight is black licorice and Toben doesn’t like it, so he gives me his. I chew on it as I rest my head in his lap and he sings me our lullaby. There’s something he’s hiding from me, I think. I hope it isn’t anything I’ve done.
All of a sudden, he asks, “What do you think happens when we die?”
Even though it’s something I’ve thought a lot about, how am I really supposed to know?
“Maybe we live forever and we go somewhere magical after we leave here. Someplace where everyone is nice and you can have all the candy you want. Maybe we go to a whole world made of candy!”
He laughs. “I think you are confusing Heaven with Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.” I don’t know what that is, but any kind of factory that makes chocolate sounds like a place I want to be. He looks at the ceiling. “I think I’m going to Hell.”
Well, if he’s going to Hell then so am I.
“I thought we were already in Hell?” I tease him. He sure says it enough.
He kisses me with a smile. “Smartass.”
I get up to straddle him and kiss the scar his dad gave him. Lacing our fingers, I rest my lips on his.
“I don’t care if its Heaven, Hell, or a chocolate factory, as long as I’m with you.”
“When you bleed, I bleed, Love.”
Two months later—February, 2007
Two weeks. That’s what remains of our lives. In two weeks we will have been Logan’s toys for five years. I wake up nauseous every single day. Every time I look at her, I want to scream. I hate myself because every time we make out, or she touches me, or looks at me, the desire to throw her down is almost overwhelming. How can I think that way when I know how much she hates it? Maybe it’s because I don’t want to die without having been with her. She’s the only one I ever wanted.
If I were a normal boy I wouldn’t even know what half the things were that I want to do to her.
I’m not a normal boy.
I need to stop thinking about Tavin when I’m with Nikki, though. It’s not fair to her. She’s in love with me. She wants me to save her, to take her away from here like some Goddamn hero. She even says as much while I’m cleaning all the tools.
“We could run, right now, before he gets out. My dad taught me how to drive once, and we could stop and get your friend.”
I shake my head. “Do you really think that if I could just take off with her that I would be standing here with you? I would be long gone, sweetheart.”
She shuts her eyes and tears fall. “How can you be with me and not care about me?”
It isn’t true. She’s lying and doesn’t even know it. I do care for her. A lot.
“Because I have very little heart left and it belongs to her.”
“Why don’t you then? Just take her and go?” I hate that she feels for me at all.
“Because I have a fourth-grade education. Because she’s been starved enough in her life. Because I don’t know if I can protect her or keep her clean. Because I have no way to take care of her, and to be completely honest, I’m scared of what else is out there.”
“We can steal food, and there are ways to make enough money for a room. Plenty of men would pay for what he makes me do, anyway.”
That last line hits my brain like lightening and after months and months of trying to come up with a way to save us, I finally have an idea.
I can’t stop the laugh as I grasp her face and kiss her. “You’re a fucking genius, Nikki.” I have no idea if it will work. At least I have a plan. I turn to her and her face is filled with hope, making me feel like a major dick. “Oh shit, Nik. I didn’t mean-it helps me with another problem I’m having. I can’t take you away, I’m sorry.”
More tears rim her eyes and she rolls over, turning her back to me just as Logan emerges from the bathroom.
“Alright, Plaything, get cleaned up.”
I stare at Nikki once more before getting my clean clothes and obeying him.
The warm water of the shower feels amazing. Though nothing is guaranteed, at least I have a solution, and if I know him like I think I do, it will appeal to him. It’s far from ideal, but anything is better than being killed. Right?
After my shower, Logan already has Nikki high, with a bag of candy on her nightstand. I hover over her for a moment before pressing a kiss to her head. If I am honest with myself, I know she means so much to me, and I do feel bad for being a jerk, there’s just nothing I have left to give her.
Driving back, my palms are sweaty and I can’t stop my leg from bouncing. Logan keeps glancing at my movement, growing more irritated by the second. If I don’t hurry and spit it out, I imagine he will stab me just to get me to sit still.
“What is it?!” He screams at me.
“I-it’s almost our anniversary.”
He’s silent for so long I think he isn’t going to respond until he clears his throat. “Truthfully, I do feel a bit melancholy when it comes to the expiration of you two. I don’t know if it’s something about you as individuals or as a set, nevertheless, I have become quite attached.” He shakes his head. “Such a shame.”
“It doesn’t have to be,” I blurt out.
He sighs and lights a cigarette before handing me one. “Toben-”
I’m being ballsy, cutting him off, I just have to get it out. “You’re a businessman, right? Well I have a business proposition.”
He quirks an eyebrow and smirks. “Do you now?” Even though he’s trying to sound condescending, I have his attention.
“You have a lot of hot shot friends, right? I bet they would pay big bucks to have a go at Tavin. She’s still considered young by most standards and could probably still pass for twelve or thirteen.” I hope I’m going about this the right way. I know that pimping her out is terrible. I would just rather her be used up and abused than dead.
“Her tolerance for pain would add a certain novelty to her as a product…”
He’s considering it! I just have to keep this going. “And you could make it exclusive, like by referral only or something.”
He whips his head in my direction. “Plaything, that’s…that’s brilliant.”
He’s pleased with me and I have an extreme love/hate relationship with his approval. We sit in silence as we smoke our cigarettes. When he speaks again, his question floors me.
“You would be for sale as well, correct? You’d be surprised how many men would love to tear apart a little boy. Obviously, that was never my cup of tea.”
He gives me an impish grin like what he just said was hilarious. I hadn’t even considered things heading in this direction. I’m light headed, queasy, and sweating bullets. If it was just a simple matter of death or a dick in the ass, I would tell you to pass the cyanide. It isn’t though. This is Tavin’s life on the line.
I’m so ready to trade her body for her life, am I not willing to do the same?
Of fucking course I am.
“Yes, Logan, I would be for sale as well.”
One month later—March, 2007
“I WONDER WHAT HE’LL BRING us today, I hope it’s another movie. Maybe he’ll let us do some coke before we play, if I ask sweetly. Oh, and I am not going to eat my cupcake right away this time, I’m gonna to save it for breakfast tomorrow.” He doesn’t respond so I look up at him from my drawing. “Toben! Are you even listening?”
He clearly isn’t because he jumps. “I’m sorry, what, Love?”
He’s been checking out for weeks, gone in a private world. Every time I ask him what’s going on, he says he’s tired.
“You left me again.”
He climbs to the floor. “I would never leave you. I’m just tired, is all.”
“Yeah, sure.”
He moves my hair over my shoulder and kisses up my neck. I turn my head so my mouth is on his as he moves my body to face him. He lies back on the concrete floor, pulling me with him as his fingers entwine and tug at my hair. His hands make their way down my back. We
can never do this for long before he has to stop, and I love him for never making me feel guilty about it. Even if I still do on my own.
His kisses become more aggressive as he presses my body harder against his. He groans into my mouth when I hear the click of the lock. Jumping off of him, I cover the wall, and slide into my kneel position. Toben isn’t far behind.
I can’t wait to see what Logan brings us!
“Happy Anniversary, Playthings.”
“Happy Anniversary, Logan.”
He goes straight to the table, placing two bags and the familiar box that has our cupcakes in it, on the table, before coming to stand in front of me. His hand trails softly from the top of my head, down my face to my neck. He suddenly grips tight and pulls me up by my throat before smashing his mouth to mine.
Something is different. I can’t place it. Logan is off. I’m going to ask him anyway.
“Logan?”
“Yes, Lotus?”
“Since it’s our anniversary, can we do a couple lines before we play?”
He sighs, even though he’s already reaching into his pocket. “Here. Only two each.” He hands me the baggie as he disappears into the bathroom to change. Toben hurries from his kneel position and follows me to the table where we cut and inhale two lines each. Lickety split.
I’m grateful for the lines because today is extra rough. I kind of wonder if Logan is mad at me.
He’s been at it for a while, when I start coming down. That’s the bad part. Toben’s whip slashes across my back.
Nasty, dirty, sickening.
Logan’s laughs, “My filthy little plaything. Do you like it when Toben hits you?”
He flips me to my back as I hold back my tears and answer him. “Yes, Logan.”
Finally, his aggression quickens as he jabs my ribs with the hilt of the knife. He moans and groans out, “Take it all, Lotus,” before falling on top of me.
After Logan smokes a cigarette, he goes to shower. As soon as he’s gone, Toben kisses the cuts he just gave me and hands me my dress. My hair sticks to my face from sweat and blood as we lie on the bed for a few moments before having to crawl back to the floor.
Walking from the bathroom, Logan barks at Toben to take a shower, as he sits down on our bed.
“Come here, Lotus.” I obey and sit on his lap. He runs his hand through my hair, down my arm, and over my thigh while he lets me trace my fingers over his tattoo. “You aren’t a little girl anymore, Tavin…” He trails off as if his thoughts carry him away. Shaking his head, he kisses my forehead. “Where would you like to go?”
My fingers stop moving and my heart momentarily stops beating. Is he asking what I think he’s asking?
“Do you mean…outside?”
“Yes, Lotus.”
I can’t help it, the excitement overwhelms me as I throw my arms around his neck. “Thank you, Logan!”
He smiles at me, while prying me off of him. “Alright, now go pick out a pretty dress.”
I do. The prettiest one. It’s so pale blue it’s almost white, the lace sleeves stop right at my wrist and the lace trim continues across the neckline. It goes to my mid-thigh and there’s also a different kind of lace trimming the hem. I pick out my white slip-on shoes to match.
Toben leaves the bathroom with wet hair, no shirt, and jeans. I hope Logan makes him dress nice too, then we will look like a fancy family.
I rush through my shower and hurry drying off. I wish I would have made sure I was completely dry because the lace is itchy on my wet skin.
When I swing open the bathroom door, a smile stretches across my face by itself. Toben is wearing light colored pants and a lightweight, black sweater that fits him perfectly. His hair is shorter than usual because Logan made him cut it a few weeks ago, and he looks so handsome.
He really is beautiful.
Holding out his hand to me, he squeezes it as we follow Logan up the stairs. I feel kind of sick because I’m so excited. The last time I left the basement was when Lacie died. I feel like I’m walking into a dream when the front door opens and sunlight fills my house. I take the steps two at a time and I just know I am going to burst. It’s so much prettier out here than I remembered. Toben and I jump into the backseat.
When Logan climbs inside the car he asks, “Where are we going, my playthings?”
I want to go to the beach. I ache to feel the wet sand squishing between my toes and to watch the water come alive. I should probably ask to go somewhere I’ve never been since I don’t know when I’ll get to be out of the basement again. What if I don’t like what I pick? I know I will like the beach.
Toben looks at me with a grin. “Wherever you want, Love.”
“The beach!”
We take off our shoes and Toben rolls up his pants as we run hand in hand to the shoreline. The waves crash in my ears and the birds squawk above us. The wind blows the hair from my water misted face and I smell all the incredible smells that I’ve missed horribly.
It’s been five years since we’ve been here and it’s even more incredible than I remember.
Logan doesn’t come to the shoreline with us. Instead, he sits on a bench near The Walk. I glance up at him every once and awhile because for some reason, I’m scared that he’s going to leave us here alone. What if someone bad gets us? He’s always there when I look, though, and this time, he’s talking to a man in a black suit.
When he crooks his finger for us to go to him, Toben stands completely still, so I yank his arm to get him to hurry up. What’s wrong with him? We are at the beach for goodness sake.
As we approach, the man stares at Toben making him freeze again. I turn to look up at him, and he’s as pale as my dress.
“Hey, Tobe, are you okay?” I think he might pass out or throw up. “Are you sick?” The man sucks in through his teeth and when I look down at his pants, he has an erection!
Toben doesn’t move a muscle until Logan addresses him. “Toben, this is Mr. English. He will be your playmate for the evening.”
Yanking Toben’s hand from mine, Logan pulls him close and growls something about arrangements, in his ear, as he shoves a cell phone into his hand.
Toben’s face is smeared in fear and I yearn to hold him. What’s going on? That man is going to play with him?! I didn’t even know that was a possibility. I can’t let this happen to him! I reach for him as the man jerks him toward the parking lot and Logan holds my arm.
“Sit down,” he demands.
“Why did you give him to that man?!” Is he going to stay with him?! The tears come flooding out. “Is he coming back?”
“Sit. Down. Now.”
I lower to the bench, wishing I could hit him for doing this. “Why?”
He sighs and lights his cigarette. “You are nearly adults. You need to learn that things like food, clothes, and shelter don’t get handed to you; you must earn them.” His eyes squint from the sun. “Toben is earning them.” My mouth feels dry, I still don’t understand. He faces me and I notice he’s gotten more wrinkles. “Do you know what Lacie did for a living?”
Swallowing, I force the sound from my throat. “Yes, Logan.”
“Say it.”
“She was a prostitute.”
“That’s correct. She opened her legs for anyone with three hundred dollars and would swallow a dick for a hundred.” He rolls his neck and clicks his tongue. “Fucking repulsive.” Reaching out to touch me, he changes his mind and takes a drag instead. “You will only play with who I tell you to. You will not cry. You will do whatever they ask and then tell me what that entails, after each playdate.”
He stands, pulls at my hand to lift me off the bench, and leads me back to the car. I’m so confused! Logan wants me to be with other men? I thought I was his Lotus. His plaything. His whore.
He pulls onto the freeway and I want to jump from the car. How often is he going to make us do this? No, no. NO! I DON’T WANT ANYONE ELSE TO TOUCH ME! The skin under my nails is bleeding and I don’t care. I wish I cou
ld pull all of my skin off.
I’m scared!
I should have been enjoying the silence because more horrible things spew from his mouth.
“I know you like cock, Lotus, so at least drop the act in front of the Clients, okay? They are paying a lot of money for your little cunt, so just do what I’ve taught you and you’ll be fine.”
I’m hot and sweaty, my eyes burn, and my throat’s sore when we pull up to a ginormous building. He hands me a cell phone and it looks completely different from our emergency one.
“Call me when you finish and I’ll pick you up. In the future, you’ll get a cab.” He’s gonna make me ride in a car by myself? “We’ll work up to that. Now, go inside, don’t speak to anyone, and take the elevator to the nineteenth level. Knock softly three times and wait for Mr. Sørensen.” I open the car door and I almost fall because my legs are so weak. “Address him by name and when you get into the room, take off your clothes, kneel and await his instructions.” He clears his throat. “Lotus?” My eyes match his. “Do not humiliate me.”
“Yes, Logan.”
I shut the door and go inside the big building. I find the elevator like the one we were on the day Mommy died. I don’t like these. My stomach already hurts and this thing makes me feel worse. I wonder if the man and woman standing in here with me are staring at me, I’m just too scared to look up and see. My hands are shaking so bad that I stick them beneath my arms.
After the fifteenth floor, I’m alone. Once I see the one-nine light up and hear the ding, I wonder if I stick my head in the doors if it will smash my head to mush. As soon as the doors open, my eyes lock on to the red door in front of me. Everything else falls away, besides that door.
Nothing exists but that door.
I just pray Mr. Sørensen is a brutal killer and leaves little bits of me for Logan to find. Then I take it back because of Toben.
I hold my fist in front of the door for what feels like an eternity, before I finally bring it down and knock.
Three times.
The door quickly swings open, and a man that looks about Logan’s age stands in front of me. He’s tall and lean like Logan, but his hair is light and his narrowed eyes are green, not gold.