by Charity B.
“Jesus, he wasn’t kidding.” He rakes his fingers through his hair. “Come on in.”
His voice sounds funny. I like it. I’ve never heard anyone talk that way before. When I follow his guiding hand, my stomach twists and tightens. He touches my back and I look up to him. His eyebrows are scrunched. I think I’m making him angry.
“You’re shaking like crazy. Are you alright?”
He puts his hands on either side of my face and I’m able to swallow while I drop my gaze to the floor. “Yes, Mr. Sørensen.”
“Look at me when you speak to me.” My eyes snap up and his face softens. “Call me Bjørn.”
“Yes, Bjørn.”
He smiles as he removes his hands, trailing his fingers down my neck and across my collar bone. “What’s your name?”
“Tavin.”
He inhales a breath. “He said you were young…how old are you?”
“Fifteen.”
His nostrils flare as he moves his fingers to my lips. “Fuck. I don’t know if I can.”
I remember I’m supposed to take my clothes off, so I pull my dress over my head and drop to my knees. He releases a harsh breath and chuckles.
“Well, shit.”
It isn’t that horrible, really, as far as playdates go. He made me do gross things too, but he was gentle about it. He didn’t hurt me, either. He just tied me up and spanked me. He’s nice to me and doesn’t call me nasty names.
As I lie on my stomach, he traces all my scars and cuts with his fingers. “I wish more than anything I could stay here all night with you.” He kisses me as he touches between my legs. “I want to schedule another playdate, would you like that?”
I don’t know what to do. If I say no then maybe he won’t schedule one and Logan will just give up and we can go back to normal. He would be so mad at me though. He told me they have to think I like it.
“Yes, Bjørn.”
His cell phone rings, making him release an irritated sigh before answering. “What is it, Alexander?” He continues touching me as he frowns at the phone. “And I am well aware. I’m finishing a few things at the office and then I’ll head over.”
Hanging up the phone, he presses a kiss against my forehead before he removes his hand and gets out of bed.
Giving me a stick of rock candy, he says, “You were more than satisfactory.”
He puts on his clothes as I eat my candy. When he’s finished, I get up and pull on my dress. I need to call Logan and I don’t know if I am supposed to in front of him, so I ask, “May I leave?”
Stepping over to me, he cups my chin and kisses me. “It was nice to meet you, Tavin.”
“It was nice to meet you, Bjørn.”
This must be how Tavin feels. All I want is to stop breathing. I’ve never hated myself like this. I’m a queer now. Not that I care who anyone else wants to fuck, I just never wanted to be with men. A dude made me come. That’s how I know I’m gay. My body hurts unlike anything I have ever experienced, and again, I wonder if her body felt like this.
I keep reminding myself this isn’t her fault. Even though this was my idea, I did it for her. I did it to keep her alive and I will have to keep doing it.
Fuck!
I want to dig into my flesh and rip out all my veins. I can’t handle feeling this. I need to get high. Logan’s car pulls up next to Mr. English’s Rolls-Royce. His greasy fingers lace into my hair as he yanks my head toward him and shoves a lollipop in my mouth.
“There, in case you weren’t done sucking,” he laughs and unlocks the car. “See you next time.”
I scan the console for something sharp to stab in his throat, as I pull the candy out of my mouth. “Yes, Mr. English.”
I get out and try not to slam the shit out of the door. The cool evening air hitting my face stirs up my emotions like the sand beneath my feet. I simultaneously get the overwhelming urge to scream, punch something, and cry all at the same time. The sucker falls from my hand to the dirt.
I climb into Logan’s car and I have to sit carefully because I’m pretty positive Mr. English tore me.
“How did it go?”
I snap my head in his direction. “How the fuck do you think it went?”
His hand squeezes my throat instantly. I can’t breathe and I welcome the lack of oxygen.
“Talk to me like that again and I will terminate our arrangement.”
He releases me and I involuntarily gasp. He doesn’t speak to me again until he drives onto the freeway.
“Did he wear a condom?”
The tears won’t stop threatening to fall and I hate hearing them in my voice. “Yes, Logan.”
“And he made sure you were lubricated, correct?”
“No, Logan.”
“What?!” His voice thunders through the car. “He didn’t prepare you at all?”
My humiliation is threatening to choke me as I shake my head and whisper, “I think I’m torn.”
“Motherfucker!” His hands slams against the steering wheel. “I had them sign a Goddamn contract for a reason!”
I don’t know why he’s so mad and I don’t care. I just want to be alone and I live with the last person I want to see right now.
How am I supposed to face her? I did this for her! I know it’s not fair. She didn’t ask me to do it and I would never trade her life to undo this… I just don’t want to see her right now.
I’ve been so lost in my self-loathing that I haven’t considered that Tavin was probably terrified when she figured out what was happening. At least I was informed. I’m sure she had just as bad of a night and will need me. I just don’t think I can be there for her. Not tonight. That’s selfish as hell, too, because this was all my idea.
“I did try to prevent that from happening. I don’t want your genitalia scarred.” He hands me a cigarette. “It lowers product quality.” Fucking prick. “You won’t be seeing him again, Plaything, and he will pay for that stunt. Consider it a promise.”
Well at least that’s something.
My stomach’s in knots when we arrive home, and all I want to do is lock myself in the window well or the bathroom and shoot so much dope I don’t even know who I am anymore.
We walk inside and I’m taken off guard to see Tavin sitting on the couch in the living room. She drops to her knees and Logan touches her face.
“You may stand, Lotus.”
Running over to me, she doesn’t look the least bit upset. “Toben, are you okay?”
She holds out her arms to wrap them around me. I do not want to be touched right now, least of all by her.
“Not now, Tav. Just-I need to be alone.” I turn my back to her and face Logan. “May I have my fix?”
He stares at me for a moment and I almost think the bastard is going to deny me on the night I need it more than ever. He hands me the case, and instead of the balloon we usually get, he gives me a clear little bag with just enough to do the trick. He knows I would have loaded it full. I snatch it with just as much force as I dare and brush past Tavin, to go downstairs.
“Toben!”
I cannot deal with her right now! I spin around and her eyes are wet. “I said I need to be alone!” I scream at her.
“Please, don’t shut me out. Talk to me!”
That’s it! She just pushes too far. She won’t let the hell up. I grip her arms and squeeze her.
“I JUST TOOK A FUCKING DICK, OKAY?” I roar it at her before I let go and she almost falls back. “I’m a faggot, just like my dad always said!”
She still isn’t deterred. “Please let me help you! It’s happened to me too!” She reaches out for me and I pull back.
“Yeah, but you’re a girl!”
Stopping in her tracks, her head tics. “So, because I’m a girl that makes everything that’s been done to me okay?” She’s never looked at me with fury, like she is right now. “Fuck you,” she whispers before she spins around and storms to the kitchen.
“Tavin! I didn’t mean it like that!”
/> I follow after her and I’m interjected by Logan’s hand on my arm.
“Leave her be and come with me.” Leading me back across the room, he opens a door leading to a staircase I’ve never seen before. “Maybe with your new freedom you two may want to have separate bedrooms.”
That makes me both sad and relieved. There are times I need my own space-tonight is the perfect example, but I love waking up next to her. I don’t know if that will ever happen again after what I just said to her. When we get to the landing, I see there’s a bathroom to my left with a bedroom and a closet next to that. I follow him into the bedroom that has a bed, radio, computer, and TV.
“Sit.” I carefully lower to the bed and he sits next to me. He hands me a cigarette after lighting his own. “What happened tonight does not make you gay.”
The fury over what I can’t undo, the regret of what I said to Tavin, and the disgust I feel being in my own body causes me to finally burst. He’s the closest thing to a father that I have. I fall against him and weep.
“He made me come, Logan!”
Lifting me off of him, he taps my chin. “Look at me, Plaything.” He’s almost kind in this moment. “Enough stimulation is what made you come, not the source. You know my tastes, yet my wife can bring me to completion while I find her revolting.” His wife is still a woman, though. I don’t know what to think or feel. I want to believe him. He shakes his head before taking another drag. “Trust me, Toben, you’re not gay. I see how you look at Lotus. I watch how you are with Nikki.” He does make sense. When I think of the things that happened with Mr. English, I want to throw up. When I think about the things I’ve done and want to do with Tavin, that’s when I feel turned on. “Now take down your pants and let me see.”
I don’t know how much more embarrassment I can take tonight. “What?!”
Just like that, he’s back to himself. “If I have to ask you again, not only will I beat you bloody, we’ll go downstairs and do the same to Lotus. I need to see the damage.”
I stick the cigarette in my mouth and drop the drugs on the bed. “Fuck,” I mumble under my breath as I pull down my pants.
“Bend over the bed.” More tears fall as he searches me over. At least he’s quick about it.
“You have a small tear, though I don’t believe it will scar.”
After I pull my pants up, I wipe the tears off my face. “How often do I have to do this?”
He rolls his neck. “You’ll not exceed five playdates a week.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a stack of cash. “Here, use this for whatever you want. I will continue paying your bills and I’ll bring you food for the next few weeks to allow you two time to get used to the independence and responsibility.”
I flip through the money and my jaw drops. “This is three thousand dollars!”
“You may spend it on anything besides drugs. Buying off the street is dangerous. You might get poor quality or robbed completely. You would also be risking getting arrested. Should that ever happen, do not be foolish enough to mention my name.”
“Yes, Logan.”
“You’re getting complete freedom. Just know this, Plaything: If you run, I’ll find you. I have more resources than you can fathom. There is nowhere you can go that I can’t reach you.” He sniffs and looks at his watch. “While there’s much I need to go over with you, it’s getting late and I still need to talk to Lotus. Would you like me to fix you up before I go?”
“Yes, Logan.” I ease my way onto the bed and lean back. While he prepares my reprieve, all I can think about is what I said to Tav. I just don’t want to feel.
“Good night, Plaything.”
“Good night, Logan.”
I close my eyes and wait.
There is nothing more to fear…
WE’VE NEVER HAD A FIGHT like this before and he’s never talked to me that way. Ever. How could he say that? He’s been here through everything, seen what Logan has done to me. It happens to him once and it’s worse for him because he’s a boy? What does that have to do with anything? He’s never hurt my feelings like this before.
I miss him. I haven’t spent a night away from him in five years, to the day. Even when he got put in the cage, he was here with me.
I was so excited for today and it ended up being horrible. I can’t even think about all the men I will have to have sex with, without having to run to the bathroom to throw up. I don’t want to be like Lacie.
I’m not high anymore and I wish I was because I’m so sad. I can’t stop crying. I’m fifteen and I still act like a baby. I miss Toben and I feel guilty for what I said to him, but he was being a jerk. Does he think it didn’t humiliate me in the beginning for him to watch all that stuff? Sure, it doesn’t bother me anymore, and in fact, I want him there, it’s just, I know what he’s going through. He had that look, he wanted to climb out of his body just like I do. It makes my chest hurt when I think about what that man could have done to him. I don’t know though because he isn’t here. He doesn’t want to be around me.
My eyes are getting heavy so I turn off the light and climb under my covers. I think I fall asleep when a noise startles me. I lie perfectly still and don’t dare move. I wish I would have slept the other way because then I’d be facing the sound. Suddenly, warm arms wrap around me as I feel the bed dip and Toben’s scent brings more tears.
“I’m a douche bag prick, and I’m deeply sorry, Love.” His soft lips press against my neck. “Please know I didn’t mean it. Today just…fucked me up.”
I roll over to face him and bring my lips down on his. “When you bleed, I bleed. Remember?”
He lets out a teary laugh as he presses his forehead against mine and holds my hand. Even in the dark I know our scars are together. “I know, Tav. I just-I feel so fucking gross.” His voice cracks as he breaks down. He’s never cried like this. His body shakes the bed as he weeps and all I can do is hold him. I can’t erase what happened and I can’t make him not feel it. Only heroin can do that. His words stab my soul when he chokes, “Do you feel differently about me?”
How could he even think that? Even though I can’t give him what he wants, I’ll give him what I can. As I sit up, I pull off my dress and push him onto his back when he tries to sit up. Straddling him, I lean down and kiss his neck.
“Did you feel differently about me after the first time?”
He’s breathless when he answers, “No.”
“Then why would I?” I bring his hands to my chest. I wish I wanted to have sex with him. I wish I could, I just can’t have something so dirty between us. It would ruin everything.
His breathing picks up and his temperament switches to a domineering one. “Stop me before I go too far, Love. I fucking mean it.” Flipping me to my back, he kisses me hard as he keeps his hands on my chest. I touch his back and feel his lotus beneath my fingers. This is getting more aggressive than I want, but he’s had a hard night so I’m giving him everything that I’m able. “Logan’s right, I’m definitely not gay.” There’s a smile in that groan and I can tell this is helping.
He presses himself against me and after a deep breath I think I’m okay, it’s just getting intense and I don’t know how much more I can do. The sick fear is creeping around me like it does every time I have sex.
Then he does it, he crosses the line. He’s violent with his fingers and it makes me freeze. I can’t speak. My voice is caught when all I want is to shove him away and scream for him to stop. Finally, I am able to push a soft, “Stop,” from my lips. He doesn’t. Instead, he gets rougher. I’m sweating and when my heart almost pounds through my body, my throat opens up and the scream finally escapes.
“Stop, Toben!”
He jumps back instantly. “I said before, Tavin!”
More stupid tears! Why do I keep crying and why can’t I stop them? “I’m sorry, I tried! It was like I couldn’t move.” Why can’t I just give it to him? “Am I a bad friend because I don’t want you to touch my-”
“Do not finis
h that fucking sentence.” Even when his voice is stern, he doesn’t sound mad. He lies back down next to me and pulls me next to him. “I thought you understood. We don’t have to do anything, and you’ll still be my Love. You’re the other half of my soul, Tav. Nothing will ever change that. I love you.”
“I love you, too.” He kisses my head and shifts around in the bed. I hear the click of the lighter and it lights up his face and the end of a cigarette.
“Can you believe we can just leave whenever we want?” His arm wraps around my shoulder as he pulls me close. “Tomorrow will be our first day of freedom and we have enough money to do whatever we please.”
I’m scared of the police and all of the bad people. I’m just more excited to leave the house. I guess if anyone hurt us, Logan would make them pay for it. I want to go somewhere new, now that I know we aren’t locked down here anymore.
“Where should we go?”
The end of his cigarette lights up in the darkness as he pulls on it.
“Would it be lame to say I want to go to the mall? We could buy our own clothes and more music. We could go ice skating or play mini golf. Who knows how much it has changed since the last time I was there.”
The mall sounds like a lot of fun and the excitement starts to creep up my belly. “Yeah! Let’s go to that place!”
I can feel his body vibrate with his laugh. “Well then, the mall it is.”
I wake up, take a shower, and get ready while Toben still sleeps. I can’t be patient anymore, I want to eat my cupcake and go to the mall. I’m not waiting all day, on his sleepy butt. I jump on our bed.
“Wake up! Let’s go to the mall!”
“Ah, damn it, Tav!” He grumbles before he pulls the pillow over his head. “It isn’t even open yet, come back to bed.”
Is he nuts? There’s no way I’m going back to sleep when I’m so excited. The clock reads seven forty-two.