“I did what I had to do.” Shifting his weight, he moved closer to her. “But I was wrong in how I did it. You were right. I should have talked to you. I shouldn’t have only put the burden on your shoulders, when your sisters had a role in the decision-making process, as well. I should have gotten you all together and explained my concerns.”
He sounded sincere, but more than that, he sounded truly regretful that he had made the mistakes he’d made.
But he wasn’t the only one to make mistakes. “And I should have been more willing to hear you out rather than jumping to conclusions. I got so used to being lied to, so used to men who took advantage of me and the women I love. I’d forgotten there were good people in this world. I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for comparing you with those other men. I should have judged you on your own merits.”
He held his hand out to her like he wanted her to take it, so she did. He gave her hand a squeeze. “We both made a lot of mistakes. I know you said you were struggling with forgiving me, so I hope that this conversation will lead us both to forgiving each other. Can we start fresh?”
Leah nodded. “I’d like that.”
She squeezed his hand, and it felt good to be close to him. But after what she’d been reading in her Bible, and what Fred had told her, it wasn’t enough.
“Do you remember that day in church, when the pastor talked about First Corinthians? What that meant about love?”
He nodded.
“I read something else, too. In John. About there not being any greater love than being willing to lay down your life for your friends.”
Shane nodded again. “I’m happy to hear that you’re reading your Bible. It would’ve meant the world to Helen.”
“Actually, it’s Helen’s Bible. I found it. As I’ve been reading it, I’ve realized how much of a disservice I’ve been doing you. You’ve shown me love in all the ways First Corinthians has said, but you’ve also shown me the greatest love. You were willing to risk everything you had to save me. To save my family. Most people would’ve walked away and left us to our ignorance. And if we made a stupid decision, it would have been on us. But you wanted more for us. You wanted more for me.” Tears filled her eyes as she realized the sacrifice Shane had made for her.
“It was the right thing to do. I couldn’t see you get hurt, but, in my idiocy and stubbornness, you were hurt anyway. I can’t tell you how sorry I am.”
She no longer wanted to dwell on their regrets. Instead, she hoped to move forward.
“But did you do it because you cared for me? Because you love me?”
He looked at the ground. “Yes, but I wasn’t as good at showing you love as I should have been. I should have been more patient with you instead of taking matters into my own hands.”
Leah leaned into him. “Wasn’t it you who told me that because we’re human, we all make mistakes? I just need to know—if love was your motivation in those decisions, have I ruined it? Or is there a chance for us to try again?”
He finally looked over at her, pulling away slightly. “I don’t want you thinking you have to try at a relationship with me because of all I’ve done for you.”
It hadn’t occurred to her that he would feel that way or think that her feelings for him weren’t genuine. But after her conversations with her sisters and the changes they’d made, she could see why he would think that.
“It’s true that I once saw love as a balance sheet. But my sisters set me straight. When someone does something for you out of love, you don’t owe them anything, and if they say otherwise, then it’s not real love. I’m only interested in real love. So, if you say I owe you nothing, then I know you love me, and I am content with that.”
She couldn’t make out his expression, so she took a deep breath.
“I’m not working, nor am I looking for a job. My sisters want to show me their love by letting me stay home with the boys. They say I do enough around the house that I don’t need to contribute financially. They are even paying for Dylan and his therapy. I’m learning that love isn’t just about giving but about being willing to receive.”
He nodded slowly. “Dylan is in therapy?”
“Yes. One of the authors of a book that has been very helpful to me lives nearby. I was able to get him into therapy with her, a lot sooner than I had planned. I originally wanted to use the profit from the sale of the cattle to pay for it, but my sisters took money from their savings so we could do it now. There’s nothing more important to them than my son’s well-being.”
He put his arm around her. “It’s been hard for you, hasn’t it? You take care of everyone else, and it’s hard for you to accept being taken care of.”
She nodded. He had it right.
Shane gave her a squeeze. “I’m proud of you. It’s one of the reasons I can’t help loving you. You’re constantly seeking to do better and be better. You’re a wonderful sister, mother and friend.”
The expression on his face warmed her heart. And made her feel...
But he wasn’t done yet.
“I love you. Is that what you needed to hear me say?”
Until now, she hadn’t thought she needed the words. But with as many misunderstandings as had been between them, it was good to have it all cleared up.
“Thank you.” Then she took a moment to laugh at herself. “That’s probably not the right way to respond to someone’s declaration of love. But I know how hard I made it to be loved. You are strong enough to love me through even my worst moments. And even though I know I should say ‘I love you’ back, I don’t know that it’s a strong enough word to express how I truly feel about you. But I do love you.”
He took her in his arms and gave her a gentle kiss. “You’ve got it all wrong. You’ve been very easy to love. For as many times as I told myself that loving you wasn’t the right thing, that it would be too hard, too complicated, I couldn’t help it. There were too many other reasons for me to love you anyway. You’re a good woman, and you probably don’t hear that often enough.”
Receiving Shane’s love was an overwhelming feeling, because she knew she didn’t deserve it, and yet he loved her anyway. But that was the point of love.
“I’m so sorry for all the ways I pushed you away. And for accusing you without listening to your side.”
He pulled her closer to him. “So, we’re back to that, are we? What about me? I stormed into your life and took over in areas where I should have included you as my full partner. That’s not love. But you’ve chosen me anyway. So, let’s stop with all the apologies and promise that, in the future, we will both do better about communicating and trusting each other.”
That was probably the biggest lesson in love. But it was also one of the biggest points they learned about in First Corinthians. Not keeping a record of wrongs but pressing on and continuing to do right by one another.
His eyes searched her face, like he was looking to unlock all her secrets. And she didn’t want to keep any from him.
But there was one more thing they still had to resolve. “Maybe it’s a little presumptuous of me, but I know a little boy who really wants you to be his daddy. We said we weren’t going to make this about the kids, but I know they’ve been hurting, too. They miss you. I’ve missed you. If we’re going to do this, then let’s just commit to doing it.”
Shane grinned. “Was that a proposal?”
She’d be lying if she said she wanted anything different. But they’d barely gotten back together. “I hope for that in our future. But I want to do things right. I saw the church is doing a small group for soon-to-be-engaged, engaged and married couples. I’d really like you to go with me. We both made a lot of mistakes in the relationships we’ve had over the years, and I want to do this one right.”
When he pulled her into another kiss, it was like coming home. Like everything in her life fit perfectly together, and the world didn’t
feel so heavy anymore. But just as he deepened the kiss, a voice rang out.
“Mister Shane! What are you doing kissing my mom again?”
Instead of looking happy, the little boy ran over to him and kicked him in the shin. “You can’t do that to my mom unless you marry her.” Then he kicked him again. “And I’m not sure I should let you because you made her cry.”
That was the trouble with trying to have a relationship while raising two boys. She and Dylan hadn’t talked much about the day she came home crying, and she hadn’t wanted to push or pry. But maybe, given her son’s level of anger, she should have.
“Hey, buddy, calm down.” Shane held his arms out to Dylan.
Dylan’s face reddened. “You’re my friend, Mister Shane. But you also made my mom cry. And now you’re kissing her. You told me cowboys have to protect people. I’m asking you, as a cowboy—you leave my mom alone. If you make her cry again, we can’t be friends anymore.”
The backs of her eyes stung with tears at her son’s words, but she willed herself to keep them inside. She didn’t want him to see, not now. Not when he was doing his very best to protect her. He’d grown a lot, and even though it was wrong for him to approach Shane with such violence, it showed that he was learning to think of others and care for them in a deeper way.
Shane seemed to understand that, as well. He patted Leah’s leg. “I did hurt your mom, and I did make her cry. But that’s what we’re talking about now, and we’re working it out. I hurt her feelings, and I’m learning how to do better.”
Dylan looked at him suspiciously. “My dad used to make her cry.”
“I know. And I’m working very hard not to hurt her like that. Your mom is a special lady, and she deserves to be loved.”
Nicole had come up behind Leah and placed her hand on her shoulder. Ryan climbed into her lap. “My mama.”
In a way, she felt sorry for Shane, having to face her family. The only one who was missing was Erin, but she’d been commandeered to man the church booth for a while.
Shane turned to Ryan and smiled. “She is your mama, but she’s also a very special lady to me. Can we both love her?”
The gesture was sweet but completely lost on a two-year-old. Ryan answered by snuggling back up to Leah as she put her arms around him and gave him a good squeeze.
Dylan stepped between Leah and Shane. “How do I know you’re not going to hurt her again?”
Little boys shouldn’t have to be their mother’s protectors, and she started to crane her neck to look at Nicole to see how she should handle this. Her sister seemed to sense her hesitation and gave her a little squeeze on the shoulders to reassure her.
Shane scooted over and gave the bench a pat. “That’s a good question, and I’m glad you asked. Loving someone is hard, and sometimes we accidentally hurt each other without meaning to. It’s because we’re all different, with different ideas and different ways of looking at the world. But love is about working through it, which is what your mom and I are trying to do. Has your mom ever hurt you?”
The question made Leah’s insides quake. Not because she had anything to hide, but she still remembered how upset her son had been when the authorities had asked him the same question.
Dylan climbed on to the bench. “Not like my dad or some of the kids at my old school. She would never hurt anyone like that.”
Nicole gave her shoulders another squeeze, like she knew how hard it was for her to sit through this. She didn’t believe Shane would fit in that category, either, but it hadn’t occurred to her that Dylan might have thought so.
“I would never hurt your mom like that. I would never hurt anyone like that. It’s not what a cowboy does.”
Dylan glanced over at her, then back at Shane. “She was crying like she used to when my dad would hurt her.”
One more thing that hadn’t occurred to her. She’d always fought with Jason in private, when the boys weren’t around. But clearly Dylan had heard her, and even though Jason had never physically harmed her, Dylan assumed he had. She reached up and gave her sister’s hand a squeeze. At least now they could share this information with Dylan’s counselor and help him work through the issue.
“Mister Shane didn’t hurt me like that,” Leah said, removing her hand from Nicole’s and putting her arm around her son. “He made me sad, it’s true. And then I got mad. So mad that I needed a break. Does that ever happen to you?”
She knew the answer, which was why she asked. Hopefully, Dylan would come up with the answer for himself and see the connection.
At first, Dylan’s face scrunched up like it did when he wasn’t sure. But then he nodded. “Like when all the mad inside me is really, really big and I don’t know what to do.”
She nodded. “That’s exactly what it felt like for me. I needed time to cool off. But I took too long, because once I realized how sad I was about things between me and Shane, I didn’t know what to do. I knew I had been wrong, not giving him a chance to talk to me, and I didn’t know how to say I was sorry.”
Recognition washed over Dylan’s face as he processed her words. She tried to keep her language familiar to him, because this was exactly what he’d been talking about with his therapist. How to manage anger, not bottling it up or acting out. But taking the time to cool down, then dealing with the emotion.
“I didn’t like that Mister Shane made you cry, but today when I saw him, I forgot about it, because I love him. When I saw him kissing you, I remembered. I don’t want him to make you cry again. I don’t like it when you’re sad.”
She pulled her son close again, the movement awkward with Ryan in her arms. A fact which Ryan expressed great displeasure over as he wiggled free. “I go play.”
“I’ll take care of it,” Nicole said, chasing after him.
Dylan turned his attention back to Shane. “Doctor Maggie says I shouldn’t hurt people when I’m mad. I’m sorry for kicking you.”
Shane held out his arms. “I’m sorry for making you think you had to protect her. It seems you’re learning your cowboy lessons really well. You’re going to make a good cowboy. But how about you leave grown-up stuff between me and your mom to me?”
Dylan glanced over at her. Then back at Shane. “Someone needs to protect her.”
How had she missed that her son thought it was his job? One more thing for them to talk about with Maggie. Crazy that her relationship difficulties with Shane would cause something to open up in her son so she could better understand how his mind worked and how she needed to help him.
One more blessing she hadn’t expected.
“I promise your mom is a strong enough woman to protect herself. But I know, if she ever needs help, she’s also strong enough that she will let us know so we can be there for her. Sometimes, you have to let people work it out on their own.”
His answer seemed to please Dylan, who hopped off the bench. “We better go make sure Ryan didn’t get Aunt Nicole to take him on another train ride without me.”
Then, in a gesture that he had to have copied from all the times she done so to him, Dylan put his hands on his hips and stared at Shane. “And you better not think about kissing my mom again until you make an honest woman of her.”
She resisted the urge to giggle. An honest woman? Where had he even heard that?
But Shane took her son’s words to heart. “I have every intention of doing the right thing by your mom. But can you give us a chance to work on it?”
Dylan looked thoughtful for a moment, like he was weighing the need to protect her again.
“It’s okay, I’ve got this,” Leah told him, standing and holding out her hand. “How about you just work on being friends with Shane and more of your cowboy lessons, and let me figure out the other stuff?”
He looked doubtful and didn’t take her hand.
“Remember what Doctor Maggie said about you needin
g to be a kid and not worrying about the grown-ups’ problems?”
Dylan nodded. All right.
Shane stood. “How about we leave all this stuff behind, and we catch up with your brother and Aunt Nicole so we can ride the train?”
Even though the train was a powerful motivation, Dylan squared his shoulders in the best little-boy way he could and marched up to Shane. “You be good to my mom.”
“I will, cowboy.”
Dylan gave a swift nod as he took his mother’s hand. “Let’s go.”
Shane came around the other side of Leah and slipped his hand in hers. It felt right, holding hands with the man she loved and her son. And even though Dylan had been so protective a few moments ago, he didn’t object to the gesture.
The three of them walked back to the park in search of Nicole and Ryan. Ryan was on the swings, laughing like he didn’t have a care in the world. Dylan ran toward him. “Come on. Let’s ride the train.”
“Twain!” Ryan shouted.
Once they got the boys gathered, they went in search of the tractor-pulled train that had been such a hit with the boys.
Nicole grabbed Leah and gave her a quick hug. “I’m assuming something big must’ve happened to make you so open to Shane and letting him be around the boys. For what it’s worth, even though I think he was wrong with what he did with the cows, I still believe he’s a good man. Let yourself be happy. You deserve it.”
With a final squeeze, Nicole said, “And now I’ve got to see a man about a horse.” She giggled. “I’ve heard that in movies and always wanted to say that. And guess what? It’s true. I think I finally found the perfect horse for us.”
As she skipped off, Leah was happy to see her sister so hopeful. Just like with finding the cows, finding the right horse for the family was proving to be difficult. But like all things she’d learned about the ranch, Leah believed that that, too, would come in time.
“What was that about?” Shane asked, coming up alongside Leah.
“I think you just got my sister’s blessing, so long as you don’t mess it up.”
Her Cowboy Inheritance Page 17