by Yara Gharios
So I suck it all up when they send me back to my room every night, and I stay with Burns. At one point, I think of contacting Sadie online somehow, but then I find out they also turned down our Wifi until I've learned my lesson. Oh, and the icing on the cake? The landline is off limits. Seriously, it's like I'm cut off from the rest of the world. And for what? Getting my period?
Ew! Why did I just think that?
I've never skipped this many school days in a row. The most I've ever missed is three days; one because I had a very high fever and couldn't stand up straight, the other because I'd turned for the first time, and the last because I faked being ill, still.
After this time, though, I'm never going to miss this much in a row again. There's nothing like being confined to four walls, with no way to get in touch with the outside world, and barely anything to entertain yourself, to make a person miss something as benign as school.
The first day, after Sadie left, I was holed up in my bathroom. I had a panic attack for the first time in my life. My body was racked with helpless and tearless sobs, because of the gripping fear surrounding my heart and eating my intestines away. I refused to even unlock my bedroom door. My family took it as me being cranky about my punishment and moody with "hormonal imbalance". Seriously, I heard them say that.
The second day is the only day I actually cried, and it was cathartic in a way. Although I still felt like my world was just turned upside down and that I was stuck in a hole, I was much calmer, at least on the outside. I was able to be around my family without having another panic attack. That was when my brain started to work again, and the begging for the phone and internet started.
On the third day, I was constructing plans of action for when I face Sadie or any other SMP members who she might have told. By the fourth and final day, I was growing restless and needed to go back to school.
I'm relieved when Friday finally comes. After a quick trip to the bathroom to make sure I'm all clear, I get ready faster than I ever have before. I'm the first one out the door when my brothers and I leave.
"Whoa, Mickey, what's the rush?" Nathan asks, noticing my hasty behavior.
"I need to see Sadie," I tell him and jump in the backseat.
When I'm inside, I start to nervously bite my nails. It takes me a moment to realize I'm all alone in the car. Even Connor is still out. I look out the window and find them all standing there with their jaws hanging open.
"What?" I ask them, confused.
"You're... you..." Connor stutters.
"Are you feeling alright, Michael?" Mason asks worriedly.
I stare at them weirdly. Why are they acting like that? Do they know? "Yeah, why?"
"Because the front seat is right there," Nathan points out, and it comes out like a question.
Surprised, I turn my head to stare at the back of the front seat. Oh. I didn't fight with them for shotgun, like we always do. I must be really distracted.
"I don't feel like riding shotgun today," I tell them.
The truth is that I don't feel like bantering over it. I'm not in the mood to do anything remotely fun until the claw caging my heart retracts and I can breathe normally again. It's bad enough that my secret is out, I also have to hide it from my family and deal with it alone. That ought to kill the fun out of anyone.
Surprisingly, my brothers don't argue with me or each other. They just calmly get in the car without making a fuss about who makes it to the front seat first; Danny.
On the way to school, they give me these looks, like I'm a ticking bomb and they don't want to set me off. No one says a word. I figure they think I'm going through some after-effect mood swings when I catch them sniffing for blood smells. They know that my... that it is done, but they must think I'm still going through it for some reason, and are uncomfortable with the fact.
This is going to be the longest and quietest car ride of my life, I think to myself sadly.
And I'm right. None of us says a single thing, and Connor keeps the radio off. All I hear for a long and agonizing fifteen minutes are the noises from the car and the sound of my brothers' breathing. When Connor pulls up at the school parking lot, I'm so thankful for the awkward moment to be over that I rush out without a backward glance.
I search for Sadie during any free minute I have all morning, but since we don't have any classes together, my best chance to find her is to wait for lunch. However, my luck must be out because I can't find her anywhere. Then I remember that seniors and juniors are allowed to leave school for lunch, so I run to the parking lot and find her waiting there. Relief washes through me, and the claw eases up just a bit on my chest.
"Sadie!" I call out to her so she could hear me from the entrance.
Just as she turns to the sound of my voice, Cade pulls up in his car. The claw returns stronger than ever, and dread settles in the pit of my stomach. I can't see him from this distance, but I can feel the daggers he's shooting at me. Sadie looks torn and glances at the car when he honks at her before turning back to me. She gives me a pained expression and jumps into her boyfriend's car.
"Damn it!" I scream and kick the wall as the call pulls out onto the street.
Pieces of cement fall from the blow of my kick, and I immediately retreat into the cafeteria again. Looks like I'm going to have to suck up my pride and go to the pack house after school.
I don't tell my brothers why I want to be dropped off at the compound, and they thankfully don't ask questions when I request that they go home and come back for me later. All they say is to make a damn good apology.
I'm a bit confused as to how much they know at first, but then I realize they're talking about how I snapped at Sadie the last time I was here. They think I'm here to apologize for that, which is partially true, so I just nod and tell them that I will.
Getting through the gate is easy, because Logan has given my family free access to the compound anytime we want. My heart is pounding as I walk the path in the direction of the pack house. My hands are stuffed in the pockets of my hoodie and are joined together nervously. I make it about halfway when I sense half a dozen werewolf scents approaching me from the direction of the pack house.
Instantly, I freeze and stare at the appearing figures whose scents I've mostly come to know; Logan, Jared, Sam, Tyler, Blake, and, of course, Cade. I'm surprised that even Jason and his father are with them.
Shit.
I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with anyone until after I had talked to Sadie. She's the only one I'm certain knows, and I've been preparing myself to find out from her who she's told. It's too late now, and I can't even run; it would be suspicious.
Unfortunately, when Cade catches my scent, his steps become more hurried and angry. I slip back into my mask without even trying, which is a relief and gives me a boost of confidence. I hold my ground and patiently wait for him to catch up with me.
When he does reach me, I'm expecting his next move and don't flinch or fight him when he roughly grabs me by the collar of my hoodie and yanks my face closer to his.
"You got some nerve showing up here," he snarls in my face.
"I came to apologize to Sadie," I calmly say.
"The hell you are! You're going to stay away from her," he barks.
In my peripheral vision, I spot his brothers with Tyler and Blake staring at me with similar expressions of anger, although theirs is more diluted. I can't tell where Logan is, though, but I find him when he grabs Cade's arm.
"Nash, ease up man," he requests gently but firmly.
"Not until I show him the way out."
Him, I repeat to myself. So he doesn't know.
By the looks of it, neither do they. This is strange; why wouldn't Sadie tell him? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad, but I was fully prepared for the chance that he and many others did know. But if Sadie didn't even tell Cade, I doubt she would have told anyone else. This is confusing.
"Cade," Logan repeats, and I detect his wolf side rearing its alpha head. "Stand down."
"Take a hike, guys," Logan orders. "You too, Cade. Start training without me, Cliff. I'll catch up."
I sense the other guys retreating towards the forest, but Cade stands there and tries to stare me down before finally going after them. I exhale in relief when they're out of earshot.
"I have to say, you really are bold," Logan announces, not a trace of anger or disrespect in his tone. In fact, he's almost smiling at me.
"I really need to talk to her," is all I say.
He nods. "Okay. Go ahead. She's inside."
Taken aback by his calm demeanor, I stay rooted to my spot and stare at him. "That's it?"
He blinks. "What do you mean?" he asks, confused.
"You don't have a problem with me talking to Sadie?"
Logan shrugs. "I don't have a problem with you, period. Cade's overreacting; it's his job as her mate to worry about her, and he gets especially touchy when someone treats her badly," he tells me. "But I know how you are with music, and that you don't like to be pushed on it. If you recall, I was there, and from what I saw, Sadie's just as much to blame as you are for your outburst. Cade just doesn't see it that way because he's biased."
"What about his brothers and the others?" I ask.
"The others follow his lead sometimes. I haven't exactly shown what my thoughts are on the matter, so they backed Cade up."
Dumbstruck, I simply stand there, until he tells me to stop losing time and go find my friend already. Nodding in thanks, I walk up the remaining distance to the front door of the pack house and ring the doorbell.
I look back once to find Logan and all the other guys gone. I ring again and the door finally opens, but it's not who I'm expecting and hoping to find.
Reena leans against the frame and smiles at me. "Michael," she giggles. "I see you've recovered from your pneumonia."
That was the excuse my parents had used to explain my absence, both to the school and to the pack. It's serious enough that the school would have excused me for the whole week if I wanted to, and strong enough that the pack would believe that I actually contracted it, even with my strong immunity system.
"Where's Sadie?" I immediately cut to the chase. I'm not in the mood to make an effort to be polite to her today.
"Well, she's around the compound somewhere, I'm sure," she tells me cryptically. "You want to come wait with me until she comes back?"
I bite on my tongue to keep my snappy retort out. Luckily, I'm saved when I see a familiar brunette join us at the door.
"I got this Reena," she tells her nicely.
Reena winks in my direction once before retreating. I think I feel bile rising in my throat for a second there. However, I'm too busy following Sadie into what appears to be her room to care.
If I had any doubt before that Sadie's a girly girl because of her skills in video games, those doubts are squashed when I walk into the candy-land that is her room.
Well, candy-land may be an exaggeration. Although there is a lot of pink, especially on the walls and her pillows, it's not too in-your-face or over the top. Her room is relatively small, definitely smaller than mine. But it seems that she doesn't mind the space and has accommodated each corner to her taste, putting up pictures of herself, her friends and her family. There are also posters of various celebrities, and a large quote written in red right above her bed that says 'Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain - Joseph Campbell'.
There's a desk and bookcase against the wall at the foot of her bed and a big chest that also serves as a bench next to the bed, on which she'd placed several stuffed animals in shades of red, pink and white. In front of the bench, against the wall, is a small makeup table, chair and mirror.
The fourth wall, next to the door, is where the closet also stands. The ground has parquetry flooring, and the ceiling is painted a faded purple color.
The first thing Sadie does when we're in her room is close the door. Then she sits on her bed with her arms crossed and an expression that couldn't be further from her normally cheerful one. She waits for me to finish examining her room and talk first.
"Sadie, I'm so sorry," I start, and I don't even bother to mask my voice.
"For what?" she asks coldly. "Being rude to me the other day or making me feel bad about something I didn't even do?"
"Both," I admit.
"Look, Dylan, I get why you have to hide it," she admits. "But you didn't have to avoid me altogether and make me feel even worse. I was worried sick about you! You could have just come to me and explained, I would have understood. I had already found out; I would have kept it a secret. That's what I've been doing for the past four days. I even lied to my boyfriend about it for you. I felt so bad the whole time, but you were avoiding me. I didn't know whether you were mad at me or not, and now you show up after leaving me racked with guilt for days!"
The way she answered kind of distracted me from the content of the situation; she's too worked up about the wrong thing, and brushing off the real issue at hand. "You're being strangely cool about this," I hesitate.
Her eyebrows shoot up. "Cool? No, Dylan, I'm anything but cool; I'm mad."
I shake my head. "No, I know you're mad, but... you're still calling me Dylan normally. Like the truth that I'm a girl doesn't even bother you."
"Well I've had a couple of days to process," she replies sarcastically. "There was enough time for you to talk to me during that time, and I would have listened. But it's been four days, Dylan, and you've ignored me this whole time when I could have helped you!"
I grimace, knowing I'm going to have to tell her. "Sadie, you don't understand. I couldn't talk to you, and I couldn't leave the house."
She rolls her eyes. "Yeah, I heard about your pneumonia, and frankly, I don't buy it."
"No, you're right, I didn't have pneumonia, but I really couldn't call you; my parents took away my phone," I tell her. "In fact, they cut off all ways of communication, including the landline."
She frowns, momentarily distracted. "What? Why? And why didn't you just come to see me, then? I skipped school for you. If you really wanted to talk to me so badly, you could have found a way."
I groan, uncomfortable at saying it out loud. "I ... I just couldn't leave the house, Sadie."
"Why?" she insists, growing impatient.
I sigh and pause before answering her. "Because... it was my time... of the month. You know. I couldn't be around werewolves without them knowing."
Instantly, her face falls and her anger evaporates, replaced by shock. "What? You had your period?"
I wince and frantically gesture for her to stop. "Shh! Don't say it out loud!" I hiss.
She blinks at me for a moment before a grin starts to fights its way onto her face. Sadie then covers her mouth with her hand and stifles a laugh.
"Oh my God," she giggles. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're being such a boy about this. It's a normal thing, and it's just me here; why are you so ashamed?"
"I'm not, it's just-" I sigh and sit on the bench with my face in my hands, my elbows propped up on my knees. "Look, I may have always known the truth, but I've been treated like a boy since I was seven by my own family. It's hard when I have to face the facts, like with now, and it makes me uncomfortable."
God, I'm so out of my element that I speak in codes. How the hell am I supposed to explain myself to her if it's hard for me to even voice my thoughts?
I look up at her. "I'm sorry I snapped at you the other day," I say. "I just needed an excuse to get out, and that seemed like my only option at the time. If it makes you feel any better, I got grounded."
She smiles at me, and it instantly warms my heart. "Not really but it's okay. Every part of it."
I hesitate. "Really? Even the part about... you know, me?"
"Especially that," she replies softly. "I think I've always felt it, because you weren't interested in me or any other gi
rl. And, I don't know, we sort of connected on a feminine level, don't you think? Even though you tried so hard to hide it, I always felt like I was talking to a girl friend with you. Honestly, I was kind of glad I found a somewhat sensitive guy. Guess I wasn't that far from the truth."
This feels a bit too good to be true. "Are you sure this isn't weird for you? Because I have to admit, it is a little bit for me. No one outside my family has ever known, and they treat me like a boy most of the time. Well, except Mason's mate, Marianna. She's the only one who knows the real me and treats me like a girl. She's halfway across the world now, though, so it's hard to have this kind of conversation with someone other than her."
Out of nowhere, Sadie smiles proudly. "I can be your second Marianna!"
Her announcement makes me choke a laugh. "How about you be my best friend Sadie?"
She holds her hand out for me to shake it, and I do. "Done," she says. "Now, tell me everything!"
Chapter 20
Sadie
I am curious by nature. Sometimes it's a fault, but I like to think of it as a positive thirst for knowledge. When I first started crushing on Cade, I used to imagine what he would look like in wolf form. What color would he be? How big would he be? How furry?
Of course, at the time, I was only nine, and he hadn't shifted yet, so naturally, I didn't take into consideration the process that would get him there. I know the basics from my dad, but he hasn't told me and Zoey much because it's a very private matter to werewolves.
It's like asking a pregnant woman to let you -a man- inside her belly when she's giving birth, so you could experience it without feeling her pain, Dad had said.
Personally I didn't get it, but when even Cade wouldn't tell me what his first transformation was like, I knew there was no way I was ever going to find out.
Lo-and-behold! My best friend is a girl! Now, suddenly I'm thinking, Here is an opportunity to access unlimited knowledge!