Found And Lost

by Deanna Hall

  It was time to light the pyres. Nash offered Mia the torch. She shook her head, unable to speak. Just before he lit it, Mia cried out, “Wait.” She walked over to Bodie’s body. Pulling out her knife, yes, I’d given it back to her, she cut a long strand of her hair, then laid it in his hand before she took a piece of his.

  Gripping his hair tightly in her hand, she leaned down and kissed him. “I’m so sorry your daughter will never know you as I did. I’ll tell her how much you loved her every day of her life, I swear. Be at peace, my love; we’ll see each other again someday. I truly loved you.”

  Mia was back in my arms, sobbing as the fire burned. Three of Bodie's friends stepped forward. “We’d like to play a song Bodie loved. He sang it every time we got together. We all knew why. We knew he meant every word.” They played the song “Wanted.” Mia cried harder. As I listened to the words, I knew why.

  Once the fire burned down, Bodie’s bones would be buried beside those of his parents. Nashoba came back over to Mia. “Miakoda, you will always be a part of this tribe no matter where you live. You are our blood and our hope. You will always have a home here, as will your children. I hate to bring this up, but you are also our pack alpha now? What will become of the pack?”

  Mia wiped at her tears, working on getting her voice under control. “I, I don’t think I’m the leader any of you want. You should vote for a new leader?”

  “We already discussed this last night. We unanimously agreed you are exactly the alpha we want.” Mia looked from him to me. I smiled down at her. “You have many who love you, Mia. The choice is yours.”

  “Next full moon we will meet at my house. We’ll invite the Pagosa Springs pack. We’ll feast, plan, and run the forest together. Then we will decide together what is best for our pack.”

  “You will be a wise leader Miakoda. Bodaway would have been very proud. The Greyfeather Pack will be changed forever. It will be a good change. What do you wish to do with Jackson’s house and belongings? They are yours now.”

  Mia looked away. “I suppose burning it to the ground would be a waste. Give it to someone who needs it. I’ll sign whatever documents are needed. If you or someone can use his truck, take it. I want nothing of my grandfather’s except his horse. I will take my few belongings and a couple of Bodie’s things. The rest you can give to whoever needs them.”

  “It will be as you say. Thank you again for your forgiveness. Until we meet again, Miakoda, be well. May the Great Spirit watch over you and yours as I know Bodaway’s spirit will.”

  Home Again

  Mia

  Iwas exhausted. The day had been one long tear-filled blur. I asked Dakota, Charlie, and Makala if they would mind spending one more night at Jackson’s house before we went home.

  “I was hoping we could ride the horses home tomorrow. Charlie, Jackson had a beautiful paint stallion Bodie had caught and trained for him. I want you to have him. He’s almost a twin to Makala’s horse. Besides, Fury will never get in a truck. I know it’s a long ride, but the babies love riding. We can pack a lunch and take our time.” They all agreed while Charlie gushed over his new horse, Storm.

  Pete drove Dakota’s truck home for us with our meager belongs. The last thing I put in the back of the truck was Bodie’s beat-up guitar. I’d braided the lock of hair I’d cut from Bodie. Tying it with beads, I attached it to his guitar. Someday maybe his daughter might want to learn to play it.

  Makala made us some dinner. I picked at my food. My stomach was churning. I ended up excusing myself to throw up in the bathroom. Then I feed the babies and put them in their little baskets.

  Beth had told me before she left that she and Linda had ordered everything we’d need for the babies. All of it would all be at the house by the time we got there so I wouldn’t need them anymore. Dakota held me close as we slept. When the babies woke for their late-night feeding, I told Dakota to go back to sleep and feed them.

  I was so hot; I went outside to cool off. The sky was full of stars. I’d always loved the stars. I wondered if Bodie could see them where he was. I wandered over to the corral. Chance came over and whinnied at me. I hugged his neck. “I know, boy; I miss him too. I’m sorry I took him from you.”

  “Stop blaming yourself, Awensa.”

  I spun around. “Bodie?”

  “I am here. Open your spirit mind, and you will see me.” I closed my eyes, concentrating. When I opened them again, I could see Bodie’s spirit shimmering before me.

  He smiled a brilliant smile. “I only have a brief time. The Great Spirit wished me to ease your troubled spirit. Once I completely enter the Great Hunting Grounds, I will only be able to watch over you and our children from afar. The hunting grounds are so beautiful, Mia. I can’t wait to show them to you someday.

  My parents are waiting just on the other side for me. Your parents are there too. They want you to know they love you and how very proud they are of you.”

  I reached out to touch him only to have my hand go right through him. I started to cry. “Bodie, I’m so sorry. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It should have been me, not you.”

  “Mia, you did the right thing. You freed our people and protected our children. Jackson was an evil, power-hungry man. You simply had more value to him than I did. I was not his blood. Through me, he could hurt you without losing you.

  I was afraid for you this morning. I am glad you have so many people who love you and can look after you now that I am gone. Now you must live your life and be happy, for me, Awensa.”

  “I don’t know if I can. I need you. I miss you so much. Oh, Bodie, this is too hard without you.”

  He reached out, laying his fingers against my face. I felt a tingle on my cheek. “Mia, you were my life. You gave me more love and happiness in the time we had together than I ever expected to have. I never knew life could be wonderful until you came into it. You chased all my demons away.

  I was never meant to be a part of your life, but I am grateful for every second of the time we had together. The Great Spirit gave me a precious gift. I am ready to move to the next life and wait for you, Mia. Before I move on, I need to know you will let go of this guilt and be happy. I will not be alone or unhappy ever again, thanks to you. I need to know you won’t be either.

  Dakota is a good man. He loves you as much as I do. I will always be with you here.” He touched my chest over my heart. I felt his love fill the void he’d left in me. You will see me in Aalia’s smile. Her joy and love of life will be mine. Through her and the love you have for me, I will live on.

  Tell her how much I love her for me. We will all be together again one day, I promise. Now be strong. Live your life to the fullest for me. Promise me so I may move on.”

  “I promise I’ll try my best.”

  Bodie gave me another smile, then kissed my lips. I felt a jolt of energy that strengthened my spirit even more. He slipped something into my hand; then, he was fading away. “I love you so much, Bodie.”

  “I love you, Awensa, now and forever.” Then he was gone. I fell to the ground sobbing.

  I woke to arms lifting me. “Mia, are you alright? Your near frozen to death. What are you doing out here?” Dakota asked as he cuddled me in his arms. I blinked at the sunlight in my eyes. I must have cried myself to sleep. Had it all been a dream?

  “Mia, where did you get those?” I looked down to find two eagle feathers in a tiger eye bead attached to a leather strap clenched in my hand. They had been burned with Bodie, yet here they were.

  I hugged Dakota. “It wasn’t a dream. Bodie was here, Dakota. He’s moved on now, but he wanted me to know it wasn’t my fault and to promise I’d be happy.”

  Dakota’s eyes widened. “His love for you must have been powerful to transcend the spirit world after death.”

  I put my hand on his cheek. “I know this is hard for you, Dakota. I’m sorry for everything.”

  He gave me a weak smile. “It’s nothing I can’t handle. Let’s go inside and get you warmed up.�
�

  Charlie had breakfast waiting. Unfortunately, my appetite hadn’t returned, and I was still feeling queasy. Leaving my plate untouched, I went to take a hot shower. After that, I added Bodie’s eagle feathers to my own then went out to get ready for the ride home.

  The babies woke shortly after that. Once I feed them, Makala took them to get bathed and dressed. Dakota and I made some sandwiches while Charlie filled our canteens for the ride.

  Once the babies were in their papooses, one on my back and the other on Dakota’s, we were ready to go. I grabbed the small box Bodie had kept all the pictures we’d taken before I left.

  “I sure as hell won’t miss this place,” Makala said as we closed the door.

  “I still wish we could burn it to the ground,” I replied. “Dakota, I want to show you one thing before we head home.”

  I led them down a well-worn path behind the house that crossed a field then went up the mountain. When we got to the top, we climbed off our horses. “Bodie and I came here all the time. It was my favorite spot.”

  I noticed Dakota’s discomfort with my words. I walked over, taking his arm in mine. “Look, Kotah, over there to the east. It’s our land. That small brown spec is the cabin. You can see it better with binoculars. I came up here as often as I could.

  It made me feel closer to you. I was able to get up every morning and keep going because I knew you were there, safe. I longed to ride down this mountain to you, except I was too afraid of what would happen if I did.”

  Dakota kissed me, then lifted me up on Star. “Let’s go home.”

  We rode down through the forest. Sometimes Fury rode on my shoulder; other times he flew around circling us. It was a long ride. After an hour, I was tired, achy all over, and my head was throbbing. I was beginning to think this wasn’t my best idea. There was nothing for it except to push on.

  When we finally reach the edge of our land Charlie and Dakota took down the fence, allowing us to get across. Then rebuilt it. The relief I felt was almost overwhelming. We stopped, had lunch, and I fed the babies. They were handling the trip much better than I was.

  Two hours later, the house was in sight. My fatigue vanished as we galloped most of the way, slowing only to cool down the horses. I saw Cinnamon in the corral. When I called to her, she ran to the fence. I climbed down, running to her. I was hugging her as she nuzzled me.

  Fury flew into the highest branch of the tall oak next to the cabin, making himself at home. Dakota came, took my hand land led me silently into the house. I was so happy to be home I wanted to drop to my knees and kiss the floor. I would have if it wouldn’t have been embarrassing in front of everyone. I did run my hand lovingly along the railings of the porch.

  I noticed a large garbage pail full of whiskey bottles outside the door. They had spilled over, making a pile on the ground. I gave Dakota a questioning look. He shrugged, looking embarrassed. “Charlie and I had a hard time sleeping.”

  Makala and I laughed. “Hopefully, that problem will go away now.”

  “Absolutely!” They both agreed.

  There were boxes of all shapes and sizes stacked on the porch. Clearly, Beth and Linda had gotten carried away.

  Charlie opened the door for us. “Ah, we didn’t have time to clean up before you got here. Sorry about the mess.” He informed us as he grabbed shirts off the floor. There were beer cans and whiskey bottles scattered around the living room, along with empty bags of chips.

  “Did you guys eat any real food while we were gone?” Makala asked.

  “Of course, at least until Kotah’s mom moved into their own place. After that, not so much.”

  “Good thing Bodie taught me how to cook then. Come on, let’s see if there’s anything edible in the fridge. I’ll make supper.

  I stood in the living room, looking around. I was finally, truly home. Despite my overwhelming relief, I felt awkward and out of place at the same time. So many feelings were going through my mind, joy, unbelief, fear, and relief.

  I touched everything that had been familiar, the couch, rocking chair, coffee table; everything now seemed like it belonged to another life. I looked into the dining area. I noticed a laptop, notebooks, and school books spread out. “How’s school going?” I asked Kotah.

  “Great, it’s going great. I only go two days a week. Graduation is in three weeks. I’ll be a full-fledged Veterinarian. I’ll be working full time with Doc. Baker after that.” Kotah explained.

  “Wow, that’s awesome. I’m so proud of you, Kotah.”

  I could tell Dakota was feeling as awkward as I was. “Thanks.”

  I heard Makala giggle, and Charlie laugh. They had picked up right where they left off. Like nothing had happened. I’d heard them enjoying each other the first night they’d been reunited. Then again, Makala hadn’t betrayed Charlie. She had found comfort in Bodie’s arms but only as a friend. Even though she slept with us every night, she had never crossed that line. She’d taken no other lover as I had.

  I was relieved when first one, then the other of the babies started fussing. “Time for dinner. Excuse me while I get them fed.”

  “Sure, no problem. I’ll open some of these boxes. There must be some kind of bed for them in there somewhere.”

  Little Dakota ate his fill, then went right back to sleep, perfectly content. Aalia stayed awake, staring up at me intently. “Well, Awensa, this is your new home. I think you’ll like it here. Your daddy had to leave us. He didn’t want to, but when the Great Spirit calls us home, we have to go.

  He was so terribly happy when you were born. He picked a song for you as he did for me. It’s called “My Little Girl.” When I find a copy of it, I’ll play it for you every day. He loved you so, so very much. He told me to tell you for him because he can’t now. He’s watching over you. He always will. Your new daddy is such a good man. He will love you too. He’ll take care of you and keep you safe.”

  I felt Dakota’s eye on me and looked towards the doorway. “I have bassinets set up for them. There are cribs, too, but I thought you’d want them near you for now. Where do you want me to put them?”

  Glancing around the room, I suggested, “How about right over there in the space between the dresser and the closet. Will they fit?”

  “Yeah, they should fit just right.” Kotah brought them, in setting them in place. He had already put the tiny sheets on the little mattress. Each had a soft, fleece blanket in them. He set some diapers and other things on the dresser.

  He picked Dakota up from the bed. “Do you mind?”

  “He’s your son, Kotah; you don’t need my permission to hold him.” Kotah held his son in his two hands. “He’s so tiny. He fits in my hand. I’m almost afraid I’ll break him. It’s a miracle they survived. We’ll have Mom give you and the babies a checkup tomorrow.”

  “Sounds like a plan. They’re strong, like their fathers.”

  Dakota kissed him gently, laying him in his bed. “Mia, I don’t want to disrespect Bodaway, but I’d like to give them both my last name. I think since they’re twins, it would make life easier for them.”

  “I’d like that, Kotah. Thank you.”

  “Makala said dinner’s ready when you are. We didn’t have much food in the fridge, so she made omelets. We’ll have to make a trip to the store tomorrow, too.”

  “Sounds Great, I’m starved. I’ll be right out.”

  “Mia?”

  “What?”

  “Nothing, nothing at all.” Dakota scrubbed his hands through his hair as he walked out.

  I sat picking at my food. I felt queasy and exhausted. My headache was getting worse. Charlie and Makala kept a steady dialog going through dinner. Makala told Charlie how much Bodie had taught her while she was away. She went on and on about the people on the res and how things had started to change there, thanks to us. She made it sound like we’d been on an extended vacation.

  “I found out I love to cook. Mia never really got into it, though she’s an excellent hunter. You should see
her handle that bow and knife. She could outshoot all the other braves. While I got a lot better at riding, Mia was amazing at the rodeos. She won all the barrel races. Bodie taught us so many things. He was a good friend; I’ll really miss him.” Makala started tearing up.

  Dakota stood up. “Excuse me. I’m going to go out to see how the new horses are getting along.” He walked out briskly.

  Makala wiped her tears. “I’m sorry that was thoughtless. Should I go apologize?”

  “If you’ll listen for the babies, I’ll go.”

  “Of course, Mia. You know you never have to ask.”

  Even though it was dark, I could make out Dakota. He was leaning against the side of the barn with his head buried in his arm. I started to walk towards him when I noticed another shape. “Dakota, don’t move!” I yelled before throwing my knife.

  He spun around. “What the hell?” He looked down at my knife, spotting what I had seen. A large rattlesnake was poised to strike. My knife held its head pinned to the wall. “How did you even see that in the dark?”

  “Um, werewolf remember?” I crossed over to him. Dakota went into the barn and got a shovel. After cutting the snakes head off, he buried it.

  “Thanks, it wouldn’t have killed me, but it would have made me sicker than hell. Bodie taught you well.”

  “No problem. Dakota?”

  “What?” His voice was thick with emotion. His spirit was a mess of tumult.

  “This isn’t working, is it? Now that we’re home, you don’t feel the same about me, do you?”

  “Mia, it’s just…”

  I interrupted him. I couldn’t bear to hear the words out loud. “It’s ok. I get it. I knew the facts would hit you sooner or later. I was with Bodie willingly. I had his baby. You thought you could handle that; only you can’t. Now that the relief of finding me is over and we’re home, the reality is setting in. I figured it would.

  It’s alright; I don’t blame you. I betrayed you; I understand why you can’t forgive me. I can probably go stay with Chase and Beth unless you’d rather go stay with your folks.” I looked away as tears started filling my eyes.