by Deanna Hall
I was not going to let him see me fall apart again. I was so tired of crying. I would have thought there were no tears left inside me. I’d promised Bodie I’d try to be happy; it was a promise I wasn’t sure I could keep. Not without Dakota. Yet, I couldn’t blame him for not wanting me anymore.
“Damn it, Mia, you’re right, ok. It’s hard. It’s hard knowing you loved him this much. It’s hard knowing how much he helped you grow into this strong, independent person I don’t even know. You were always strong, but now you're completely self-sufficient. You can hunt, fight your own battles. Hell, you gave birth in the middle of a field, and eight days later, you’re riding across the countryside. Most women who gave birth to twins this early would still be in the hospital.
It’s like you don’t need anybody. You certainly don’t need me. It’s not that I don’t love you and need you as much as I did before. Or that I blame you for any of this. I just don’t know where I fit in your life anymore. Or if I even do. I’ll stay with my folks and give you some time to figure it out. You clearly don’t need me here.”
Dakota walked to his truck without looking back. I wanted to scream; I love you. I wanted to tell him how much I needed him, except my throat had closed up as the panic set in, and I could get the words out.
Great Spirit, this couldn’t be happening. I couldn’t be losing both of them. Of course I could. I’d betrayed Dakota in the worst possible way. How could he ever really forgive me for that? As he drove down the driveway, I finally managed to scream his name. Whether he heard or not, I don’t know. He never even slowed down. I fell to my knees as he disappeared, leaving nothing but a trail of dust.
Charlie and Makala came running out of the house when I screamed. “Mia, what’s wrong?” I wrapped my arms around Makala’s waist. “Dakota, he, he left. I, I, oh God Makala, I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what, Mia?” Makala asked.
“Be strong.” I fell into her arms, sobbing. She and Charlie helped me into the house. After checking the babies, I peeled off my clothes and crawled into the bed. Even though it was only eight o’clock, I felt sick, drained, and too tired to take another step.
I fell into a restless sleep the minute my head hit the pillow. I dreamt I was lost in a fog. I heard the voices of all the people I loved calling to me; only I couldn’t find anyone.
Jackson appeared out of the fog. “Granddaughter, you should not have challenged me. I warned you. Now you have lost everything. How does it feel to be surrounded by people who love you yet completely alone?” Then he was gone.
I saw Bodie in the distance. I started running to him. No matter how fast I ran, I never seemed to get any closer. He faded away. Then Dakota was off to my left. I screamed to him, “Please, Kotah. I need you. I can’t do this without you. Please don’t leave me here in the dark.” I pleaded.
He never even turned around, like he couldn’t hear me. It was the same with Chase, Beth, Linda, CJ, Peter, my sisters, everyone. I would call to them only to have my words fall on deaf ears.
The cries of the twins woke me. I fed them and got them resettled in their bassinets. I was sweating, my head was pounding, and I couldn’t stop shaking. I looked around in the dark for something to take for my aching head. I found a bottle of pills on the dresser. I dragged myself into the kitchen for water.
My hands were shaking so bad I spilled a few of the pills into my hand while the rest spilled onto the floor. I swallowed a few down. To hot and tired to care, the rest were left where they fell. I was so hot I couldn’t stand it. Stumbling out of the house, I headed for the pond, thinking the cold water would help.
Mistakes
Dakota
As I drove down the driveway, thoughts swirled through my mind. Bodie this, Bodie that. Even Makala idol worshiped the guy. I could have taught Mia all those things; only I hadn’t had the chance. She was out of my life more than she was in it.
Every time we started to have a life together, something ripped her away from me. She’d spent more of her life with Bodie than me. Like it wasn’t bad enough knowing CJ and Peter held a place in her heart. Now I had the ghost of a fucking superhero to contend with. How was I supposed to compete with that?
Man, I really needed a drink. Werewolves can’t become alcoholics in the usual way, since alcohol didn’t affect us like it did normal humans. Our metabolisms burn through it quickly, and it doesn’t have any lasting adverse effects on us.
That didn’t mean we could get addicted to the relief it provided us emotionally. I’d become entirely reliant on it to get through each night. Which was why I was heading to the local bar instead of my folk’s house.
I sat on a stool chugging down whiskeys one right after the other. I just wanted Mia’s image out of my head for a little while. I wanted my mind to find the oblivion the whiskey had help me achieve so many times over the past eight months.
While I drank, I thought about all the months I spent agonizing over Mia. I’d been scared to death she was somewhere hurt and miserable only to find she was shacked up with Bodie the whole time, playing Indian. Thankfully my racing mind started to slow down as my thoughts became muddled.
I was staring into my empty glass, waiting for a refill when a blonde walked over and sat on the barstool next to me. “Hey handsome, how about buying a thirsty girl a drink?”
I looked over at her. She was gorgeous. Short blonde hair, tall, all legs, thin but curvy. Her blue eyes looked at me like I was good enough to eat. The best part was she looked nothing like Mia. “Sure, what are you having?”
“Whiskey, straight up.”
“My kind of girl.”
“I’m Stephany. I’ve seen you and your friend in here often. Where’s your friend tonight?”
“Home with his girl.”
“Aw, so you’re stuck here all alone?”
“Yeah, something like that.”
Stephany leaned into me, putting her arm around my neck. She started nibbling on my ear, then whispered, “A guy like you shouldn’t have to be alone. If you were my guy, I would never let you get away.”
Like Mia had. She’d not only willingly let me go; she’d found a replacement. I slammed down my shot while buying the girl and I another round.
Before I knew what was happening, Stephany was kissing me. After a couple of seconds, I was kissing her back. She pulled me off my stool, leading me into the men’s room, where she started pulling my t-shirt over my head.
A hazy image of Mia walking towards me, holding Bodie’s hand, came into my head. Yeah, she’d missed me, alright. So much so she’d let me leave without a word. “Fuck it. If she doesn’t care, neither do I.” I murmured as I started ripping the blonde’s clothes off.
I was kissing her aggressively, running my hands up and down her body. I pushed her against the wall, raising her leg. I was just about to slide into home when I felt someone grab my shoulder hard, yanking me back. “What the fuck is going on, Dakotah? We’ve been looking everywhere for you.” CJ stated angrily.
“Beennn rightttt herrrre allll nighttt. I’mmm a litttttle bussy rightttt nowww thoughhhh! Annnoy mmme lllater, wwwill ya.”
“It’s about your wife. You remember her, right? The one who’s been protecting you and just gave birth to your kid.” Peter added sound pissed.
“Wwwife, righttt. The ooone wwwith the ottther hussssband, Missster Ppperfect.”
Stephany pushed off the wall, then slapped me hard. “Owwwww!” I exclaimed, rubbing my cheek even though I hadn’t actually felt it.
“You didn’t tell me you were married, you bastard.” Then she grabbed her clothes off the floor, stalking into a stall.
“Yeah, that one. The one who spent eight months in captivity to save your ass.” Peter stated angrily.
I laid my head against the wall. It felt too heavy to hold up. “Sommme cap, cap, captivvvve. Ssshe wasss happppy ennnough. Besidesss, ssshe mmmade ittt pppretty clearrr ssshe caaan llllive withooout mmme.” Sliding down the wall, I sat there with my ar
ms resting on my bent knees and my head hanging, butt naked.
CJ announced, not hiding his hostility, “Well, she’s in the hospital. Pete, get him up, I’ll be right back.”
My head snapped up, “Wa, wa whattt diddd heee sssay?”
“You heard him! Mia, the one who can live without you, tried to kill herself. How could you leave her after all she’s been through? You saw her yesterday. She was a fucking basket case. Even with Bodie’s death and killing her own grandfather, all she could think about was what you thought of her. She was so afraid you wouldn’t forgive her. Like any of what went down was her choice.
Mia sacrificed herself for your ass. So, she fell for the kid who saved her and cared for her. So what? Mia always had a lot of love to give. All your talk about being glad she was safe. Great speech for a load of crap.
Now get your fucking ass up and get dressed. You’re going to the hospital and pretend like you care. I don’t know how many bar sluts you’ve gotten your jollies off on while Mia was gone, and I don’t care. However, if you ever tell her about the blonde tonight, I’ll kick your fucking ass. It would finish her.”
I’d never heard Pete seriously angry before. I staggered to my feet. “Ssshit!”
“That’s an understatement.” CJ walked back in, shoving a black coffee in my hand. “Let’s go.”
I took a big gulp of the coffee as we went out the door of the bar. My head cleared some when the cold air hit me in the face. I was able to form a semi-coherent thought, at least. “Isss ssshe ok?”
“No.” CJ snapped.
“Wwwhat do you mmmean no?”
“She swallowed some tranquilizers then walked into the pond. Charlie found her floating face down in the water. He gave her CPR and got her breathing at least. She’s in the hospital in Durango. That’s all we know because instead of being there for Mia, we were out looking for an asshole.”
I started pacing back and forth, my head clearing from its alcoholic haze faster in the fresh air. I grasped the hair on the top of my head. I felt like ripping it out. “Great Spirit, what have I done?”
Peter got in my face, fists clenched. “I’ll tell you what you’ve done. You fucked up. That’s what. Man, I thought you deserved Mia more than me or CJ. Was I ever wrong.”
CJ grabbed him by the shoulder. “Back off, Peter. This won’t help Mia.”
“Maybe not, but kicking his ass would make me feel a hell of a lot better. When we gave Mia our blessing to be with this piece of shit, we trusted him to take care of her. If he wasn’t up to the job, he should have told someone. He shouldn’t have left her alone.
He’s her fucking mate. He was supposed to love and protect her no matter what. Not be fucking around with some bar fly when she needed him most. I should have married her myself, or you should have. I swear if she dies I’ll…” Peter turned away.
“Get in the car,” CJ ordered coldly. I could tell he wasn’t holding his anger back much better than Pete. They both had found true mates, yet they still cared this much for Mia.
“Look, man I…”
“Shut up, Dakota! Nothing you have to say is going to help right now. While Mia almost died, you were out looking for a piece of ass. So just keep your fucking mouth shut.” I was right CJ was barely holding in his rage.
We made the trip to Durango in record time. It was five in the morning when I got out of the car, puking my guts out in the bushes. My head was pounding, but I was completely sober.
We walked into the emergency to find everyone sitting in the waiting room. The whole gang was there. That fact alone scared the hell out of me. My folks, Donnie, Paul, Beth, Chase, Denise, Wansonee, Christine, Charlie, and Makala, were all sitting there looking worried. Even Penny sat there, bouncing her baby daughter on her knee. After scanning the room, I asked. “Where are the twins?”
My mother turned to me. I could see the anger in her eyes. “They’re in the nick unit where they should have been born. They are being checked out and getting their immunizations. They’ll be released in the morning if everything is normal.
Your wife, however, is in ICU on life support. She may never wake up! Her organs are shutting down. It’s a race to keep them going and get the drugs out of her system. I told you she was fragile, Dakota. You said you understood. How could you let this happen?
Great Spirit, you smell like a brewery. Are you, you’re drunk? I knew you’d been drinking a lot, but I didn’t know getting drunk was more important to you than your wife and children.”
My father came over and put a hand on my mother’s shoulder. “Linda, he’s a man yet still young. He’s been through a lot too. I know you’re scared. We’re all are. Anger and blame won’t help.”
Donnie interrupted, “It will help me. If my sister dies because of you, I’ll never forgive you, Kotah.” Dad looked at Donnie with that look that said enough. He walked away.
I looked around at the scared, anxious faces. I wanted to shout or punch something. My mind couldn’t seem to accept what my mother had told me. “Can I see her.”
“Not that you deserve to, but that’s why we dragged your ass here. We’re hoping hearing your voice might reach her since the rest of us can’t.” Peter muttered.
My mother turned away from me in tears as my father took my arm. “This way, Son.”
Dad led me down a hall to the room at the end. A nurse was blocking the view while she fussed with some tubes and machines. I heard a heart monitor. “I’m sorry, she can’t have visitors right now?”
“This is her husband. The doctor said he could stay with her.”
“Oh, of course. I’ll be done in a sec; then I’ll send the doctor in. He wanted a word with you.” She finished what she was doing and left the room.
When I saw Mia, I gasped. She lay against the white sheets looking so pale she almost blended in with them. Tubes were coming out of her mouth and stomach, IV’s in her veins. Her chest was rising and falling with the rhythm of the ventilator.
When I reached out to her spirit, it was so faint it was barely there. “Dad, I never thought, I, I never meant… Great Spirit, I love her so much, Dad. It was hard. I wanted to understand, I thought I did, but I was jealous. Jealous of a ghost. His spirit came back and comforted her for spirit’s sake. I didn’t know how to compete with that. She can’t die, Dad. Tell me she’ll be ok.”
Dad put his arms around me while I cried. I sounded like a child asking his father to make it all better, which was exactly what I wanted him to do. Dad didn’t say what I wanted to hear. “As much as I’d like to tell you everything will be fine, Kotah, I can’t make that promise.
No matter what happens, we'll get through this somehow. Your mother and I are here for you, no matter what happens. Your mother is scared and angry, but we love you. Remember that.”
When the doctor came in, I pulled myself together. “Mr. Windsong, is it?” He reached out to shake my hand.
“Dakota is fine. Is my wife going to be alright?”
“I won’t lie to you; it isn’t looking good. I wish I could be more reassuring. At first, we thought it was an overdose. When we tested her blood to see how much of the drugs were in her system, we found minimal drugs in her system. Instead, her blood tests showed she has a massive infection due to the retention of the placentas from one of the twins.
Apparently, she had it for quite a while. Her kidneys shut down from the infection. We have her on dialysis and gave her an injection of antibiotics. I’m hoping the antibiotics will help in time.
Her heart stopped a couple of times. Fortunately, we were able to get it going again. It seems to be getting a little stronger. I have to ask where the twins were born. We have no record here. Honestly, whatever hospital released her and the babies in this condition, well, you definitely have the making of a gross neglect lawsuit suite.”
“You may have heard about my wife’s kidnapping?”
“Yes, it was big news for quite a while. I don’t remember hearing about her being found.”
The doctor put his hand on my shoulder. “Son, we’re going to do everything we can for her. Amazingly the babies are fine. This wasn’t your fault. The lack of medical care is to blame for her condition. As I said, the infection is the result of a retained placenta. We scraped her uterus and removed it. If she hadn’t ended up here tonight, she would have died from the infection within a day, two tops. Did she complain about nausea and a headache?”
“No, it was a difficult couple of days. Mia’s grandfather and her, ah very close friend died the day we found her. She was very distraught. Honestly, we all thought she was in shock.” My dad explained.
“Ah, that explains a lot. Her fever was over a hundred and five. I’m surprised she wasn’t having convulsions and hallucinating. Perhaps that’s why she took the pills. What this young woman has gone through and as sick as she was, I’m amazed she held on this long.
I don’t want you to get your hopes up. Her surviving an infection of this magnitude is a long shot at best. The good news is the twins are very healthy. She did an excellent job with them, given the circumstances. At least you have them. We should know one way or the other soon. Given the severity of the infection in her blood, we have her on the most potent antibiotics possible. Your dad can stay with you if you’d like. I’ll let you know if there is any change.”
I sent my dad out to tell everyone what we’d learned, then I sat down next to Mia, taking her hand. I felt how hot it was, even for a werewolf. I laid my head against her chest and cried. “Nuttah, I am so, so sorry. You needed me, and I failed you. I was jealous. I didn’t; I don’t blame you. It was just you were so crazed over Bodie’s loss.
Then Makala kept going on about how great he was. It was too much. I felt the distance between us. Something that had never existed between us before. I didn’t know how to bridge the gap. I was afraid I wouldn’t measure up to Bodie’s ghost.