by Deanna Hall
Mia, I know I don’t deserve it, but please forgive me. Fight to stay with us, please. I can’t believe you beat Jackson as sick as you were. I didn’t even know you were sick.” I hit myself in the head with my palm. “How could I not tell you were sick?”
I heard the door open. My mother entered. “Kotah, I’m sorry I lost my temper and said those terrible things.” My mother rubbed my back. “You’re barely a man. This has been a huge mountain to climb. We should not have left you to climb it alone.
I should have realized how sick Mia was. I’m a doctor for spirit sake. I thought it was just shock, grief, and guilt. Mia always does so much for so many. She has such a big heart. The only one she can’t seem to love is herself.
It must have been very hard on you to find out about Bodaway. It never occurred to me my strong, confident son might feel threatened by that wild-looking boy. We are all praying for her.”
I answered, without lifting my head. “I deserved your anger, Mom. I should never have left her. I promised her I never would; then the minute things got awkward, I bailed. To make matters worse, I ran off and got drunk. I almost, there was a woman, if CJ and Peter hadn’t found me, I would have done something unforgivable.”
I hit myself in the head again. “I don’t deserve someone as selfless as Mia, Mom. Once we got home, there was this distance between us. I couldn’t figure out how to breach it. Then Makala was going on about how wonderful Bodie was. I felt like I couldn’t compete with Bodie’s memory. I needed a drink. It was how I coped while Mia was gone.
If I’d gone to your house like I told Mia I was… I didn’t because I knew you and Dad would have sent me home to deal with it. Getting drunk seemed easier. I left Mia so lost she tried to take her own life. I should have died instead of Bodie. He would never have let Mia down like this… I…”
Before I could finish my sentence, Mia started convulsing, and alarms started going off. The two nurses came running in. “Everybody out. Susan, call the doctor stat.” I stood up, frozen in place. My mother had to pull me from the room.
I paced the waiting room like a caged tiger. Beth came over. “Dakota, let’s go see the babies.” I let her lead me to the nursery. The nurse let us in once she knew who we were. She placed DJ in one arm and Aalia in the other.
“Mr. Windsong, they’re ready to go home. Everything checked out one hundred percent. They are healthy and perfect in every way. We even filed for their birth certificates for you.” The nurse explained. “Is their mom with you? I’d love to meet her. She is quite a celebrity around here.” I had to turn away from the bubbly girl.
Beth answered. “Their mom is in ICU. There were some latent complications from their births.”
“Oh, goodness. I’m so sorry. I just started my shift. I hadn’t heard. If you’d just sign here, they are free to go. Here’s a newborn pack for each of them. They were just fed and changed. I hope their mom will be alright. We’ll all pray for her.”
Beth took DJ, and we walked back to the waiting room. When Aalia started to fuss, I didn’t know what to do. She was so tiny, even more so than DJ. I reached out to her spirit as I bounced her against my shoulder. “I’m sorry little one; you must miss your mom. I know I do.”
Makala came over. “Kotah, I’m sorry for running my mouth without thinking. After you left, Mia told me she couldn’t be strong anymore. I didn’t know what she meant. She went to bed early. I thought after a good night’s sleep; she’d feel better. Then you two would talk, and everything would be fine.
Charlie and I should have stayed with her. I heard the babies crying. When they didn’t stop, I went in to find Mia gone. Charlie found the pills scattered on the floor in the kitchen and the back door open.
I don’t know how he knew to look in the pond. When I saw Mia lying in the water, face down, well, it was awful. All that talk about Bodie. It was so thoughtless. I feel like this is my fault. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just, Oh God, I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for, Makala. This is on me. I’m the one who couldn’t man up.”
Makala was crying by now. “I was the one who went outside and walked into their trap that day. When we heard horses, I thought Charlie had come back. Nastaw had me in a chokehold with a knife to my throat before I knew what was happening. Mia would never have let herself be taken if it weren’t for me. If Mia hadn’t agreed to go with Nash to save me, none of this would have happened.”
“You’re wrong. Mia loves you, Makala. You helped her stay strong.” Charlie came and took Makala in his arms. Christine and Denise joined him.
The doctor came out. “Mia’s fever spiked to a hundred and six. We have her in an ice bath, trying to get the fever down. It doesn’t look good. The longer it takes to get the fever down, the more significant the brain damage will be. I’ll be out as soon as I know more.”
“What do you mean will be? You can’t be sure there will be brain damage.” I demanded.
The doctor gave me a sympathetic look. “If she makes it, it’s inevitable when she’s had this high a fever for this long. I’m sorry.”
I punched the wall so hard; I cracked in the plaster. Aalia started crying harder. I handed her to Makala as I walked out the door. My hands were shaking, and my knuckles were bleeding. I felt like I wanted to keep punching something, anything.
I paced for a long time before I fell down on my knees and prayed. “Great Spirit, God, whoever you are. I’m not sure why Mia and I have had to be tested so many times. You brought her to me and keep giving her back. Maybe she had to save her sisters and takedown Jackson. Maybe that was her purpose in life.
Mia is such a precious gift. Not just to me, but to everyone who knows her. I know you could take her to the Great Hunting Grounds now to be with Bodie and her parents. Maybe she would be better off, but please don’t.
I know I screwed up bad. I know I don’t deserve her, but if you could just give her back to me one more time, I swear I’ll take care of her right this time. Please, just give me one more chance.”
Charlie came out and tapped me on the shoulder. “Doc wants to see you.”
When I went back inside, the doctor explained, “We got her fever down to a hundred and one. That’s a considerable improvement. It’s stayed down without the ice for an hour now, which is a good sign.
It means the antibiotics are working. Your wife is breathing on her own, and her kidneys are starting to work again. I believe she’ll pull through. We’ve taken her off everything but the IV and med drip.
My biggest concern now is brain damage. We don’t know how many pills she took, though, as I explained before, we didn’t find that much in her system, meaning it might be less than we initially thought.
Our biggest concern now is how long she went with oxygen and how the fever affected her. Only time will tell how much damage was done. The sooner she wakes up, if she wakes up, the more will know.”
“What do you mean, if? You just said Mia was doing better.” I demanded.
“She’s in a coma. If the damage to her brain is severe enough, she might never come out of it. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but...”
I interrupted him, “Can I see her?”
“Yes.” I took Aalia, who was still fussing, from Makala and walked to Mia’s room. I laid the baby on Mia’s chest, putting Mia’s arm around her. The baby immediately quieted, falling asleep.
I sat down. Keeping one hand on the baby’s back, I took Mia’s hand in the other hand. “Mia, listen to me. I know you can hear me. I screwed up. I screwed up big time. I ran when I should have stayed and fought for you. I was afraid I’d lost you to a ghost. I thought I could never compare to Bodie.
I thought you didn’t need me anymore. I was wrong. I’m sorry. Sorrier than you’ll ever know. I spent the last eight months drowning my sorrows in whiskey. Last night I thought getting drunk would make me feel better. I think I have a problem with alcohol now.
I would have come back be
cause I can’t live without you. If you’ll just wake up and forgive me, I swear I’ll never let you down again. That little girl can’t lose her dad and her mom too. You know what that was like, Mia. Don’t do that to her and DJ. They need you.
Even if you never forgive me, DJ and Aalia need you. There is a whole waiting room full of people who need you to wake up. You never let me down, Mia. I let you down. It’s time to wake up now.”
I don’t know how long I was sitting by her bed. I must have dozed off. I heard Mia cry out. “Dakota, please. I’m scared. Don’t leave me here in the dark again.”
I jumped up, running my hand through her hair. “I’m here, Mia. I’m right here. Just open your eyes.”
Mia started thrashing back and forth. I had to take Aalia. A buzzer sounded, and the nurse ran in. “You have to go.”
“No! She needs me. Mia, please open your eyes. I don’t want to leave you alone again. They’ll make me leave if you don’t. Please Mia.”
“Mr. Windsong, please take the baby to the waiting room. We need to do our job.” Mia went very still. We both turned to stare at her expecting the worst.
Mia mumbled, “Kotah, don’t leave me.” Her eyes fluttered open.
The nurse stepped aside. “I’ll go get the doctor.”
“Nuttah, I’m here. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” She lifted a weak hand, brushing the tears from my face before her hand fell back on the bed.
“Not your fault. Tired. Need sleep. Don’t leave.” She whispered.
“I won’t, I swear! I won’t ever leave again.”
“Love you.”
I was holding onto her hand for dear life. Her eyes closed, and her head fell to the side. Scared to death, I looked up at the doctor who had his stethoscope against her chest. He smiled. “She just sleeping. I think she may be alright. If you’d like, I can have the nurse bring the baby out to your mother.”
“Thanks Doc. Thanks for everything.”
A few hours later, my mom came back in a tray of food. “You need to eat. It wouldn’t hurt to take a shower and get some fresh air either. We’ve got a couple of rooms at a hotel close by. You should get some rest. I can sit with Mia for a while.”
“No! Sorry Mom, I didn’t mean to snap at you. I can’t leave her. I promised. I won’t let her down again.”
“It’s alright, Kotah. Eat at least.”
“Where are the twins?” I asked.
“Makala and Beth took them to the hotel. Everyone went back to get some sleep except CJ and Peter. They refused to leave until they see for themselves that Mia is alright.”
“They’re pretty pissed at me. I don’t blame them. I should never have let this happen.”
“Kotah, Mia was a very sick girl. If we hadn’t found her when we did, she would have died. It’s not your fault she was sick. That was Jackson’s fault.”
“Yeah, but if Bodie hadn’t sent those pictures, we never would have found her. She was fifty miles away, and she would have died with us never knowing.” My hand gripped the sheets tightly. If Jackson weren’t already dead, I would have killed him myself. “I owe Bodie for her life and the life of my son. What did I do to repay him? Almost let her die.”
Mom rubbed my back. “It’s time to forgive yourself and help Mia get better. As soon as she’s strong enough to shift, we can all go home.”
“Mom, how do we get past all this? This happened because when we got to the house, neither of us knew what to say or how to bridge the gap between us. I still don’t know how to fix things.”
“You each take small steps towards each other until the space disappears. You were a baby when your sister died, so you never knew your father and I drifted apart. We were too lost in our own grief to be there for each. Despite how hard it was dealing with the grief of losing a child, we loved each other enough to fight our way back to each other.
I wasn’t easy, but we never gave up. Being mates doesn’t mean you don’t have to work at your relationship. It just means the need to be together makes you work harder than the average couple. Happily ever after requires hard work, Dakota, even for mates.”
“What if her bond with Bodie was stronger than with me? What if his loss is too much for Mia to handle?”
Bridging The Gap
Dakota
Mia started to move restlessly. Her head was thrashing from side to side. “Kotah, Kotah, where are you? I can’t find you. It’s so dark.” She bolted upright, screaming, “DAKOTA!” Her eyes stared ahead, unseeing.
I sat on the edge of the bed, pulling her into my arms. “Mia, I’m here. I’m right here.” I rubbed her back. I felt her arms go around me as she relaxed against me. My heart beat faster.
“You didn’t leave me.” Her voice held a note of amazement.
Mom smiled at me. “I think the answer to your question is pretty clear, Kotah.” She put a hand against Mia’s cheek. “Hello Darling, how are you feeling.”
Mia leaned back, smiling up at my mother. “Mom, you’re here. I feel much better. What happened? I remember waking up and feeding the twins. I was so tired and hot. My head was pounding. I took some aspirins trying to stop the ache. I was so hot I couldn’t stand it. Rather than wake everybody with a shower, I went out for a swim. I don’t remember anything after that.”
Relief flooded through me. “You didn’t, I mean, um…They said you…”
Mia frowned. “I didn’t what?”
Mom saved me. “Charlie and Makala found the tranquilizers I gave Kotah for you spilled all over the floor. Then Charlie found you face down in the water. Charlie saved your life. They thought you tried to kill yourself.”
Mia’s eyes widened. “I would never do that to the twins or Kotah.”
“Mia, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have left like that.” I told her.
Mia leaned back against me. “You saved me from the darkness again, Kotah. I wouldn’t have found my way back without you. I love you so much. It was my fault. I was scared, tired, and I felt sick when we got home. There I was, back in this place where I’d been incredibly happy, only everything was different.
I was different. I am different, Kotah. I’ve grown. I’m surer of who I am and who I want to be. I wasn’t living the life I wanted on the res, yet there were parts of it I loved, like riding, hiking, rock climbing, and canoeing through the rapids.
I know I don’t love cooking or sitting around the house being domestic. That was Makala’s thing. I loved helping people. Not one kid who made their change while I was there died. I was able to help them through it. It felt good knowing I was making a difference.
My life before I met you had gone from being totally alone in the world to a whirlwind of people and emotions. We had just started to settle into our life together when I was taken. I never really had time to figure out who I was.
At the res, all I had was time. I found a confidence in myself; I didn’t even know was there. I knew you loved the girl I was. What worried me was you might not be able to love who I’d become. I still don’t know if you can. I do know, no matter what happens, even if you find I am no longer the girl for you, I will always love you with all my heart.”
Before I could respond, the doctor came in. “Well, Ms. Windsong, you’ve made quite the extraordinary recovery. All your vital signs are back to normal except for a low-grade fever.”
Mia smiled at him. “Thank you, doctor. For the record, I never had any intention of committing suicide. I was just trying to get rid of the pain in my head and cool off by taking a swim. I must have passed out in the water. My normal temperature has always run high, and I feel one hundred percent better. I’d like to get home to my babies now.”
“Slow down, young lady. I think you’ll be here for a few more days. We’ll get you home as soon as we’re sure you’re out of the woods.”
“I’m sorry doctor, I don’t think you understand. I am going home now. I have been held against my will for eight months. Nothing and no one is going to keep me away from my home and children
ever again. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful because I am very, very grateful. However, as soon as I can get some clothes, I’m out of here.”
The doctor shook his head. “You’re a very determined young woman. Given the circumstances, I can understand your eagerness. I will write up your discharge papers. Promise me you will take your antibiotics and follow up with your doctor in a week.”
When Mia smiled, the doctor couldn’t help but smile back. “Since my mom is also my doctor, that won’t be a problem. Thank you for everything.”
“You are very welcome. You’re a lucky young man, Mr. Windsong. If I was thirty years younger, well, I’m sure that’s not the first time you’ve heard that.” He walked out of the room, chuckling.
“Mia, darling, I’ll go get you some clothes.” Mom kissed Mia’s forehead. She was right. Mia had found herself in the eight months we’d been apart. I was proud of the new strength I saw in her. None of us knew how sick Mia was when she defeated Jackson.
All things considered, she had handled the last couple days’ way better than I had. Mia wasn’t the insecure girl I’d found almost a year ago. I was proud of her yet still feeling unsure about what role I now played in her life.
Mia pulled the IV’s from her arm and swung her legs around the side of the bed. She looked up at me. “Dakota, I think your silence makes things pretty clear. Given all that’s happened with Bodie and me, I understand. I do. You loved a different person. I can’t be her anymore.
I can’t hate myself for my past or my choices anymore or be insecure and scared all the time either. Not if I’m going to be the kind of mother our children need. I was a mess the past couple of days. I’m better now. I’ll survive if you, if…”
Her voice thickened. She cleared her throat and looked away before continuing, “I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore. Just promise me we can find a way for us both to be there for our children. They need you.”