Now she was sitting on the side of the bathtub in her apartment above the ice cream shop watching the seconds tick by on her phone. Her hands were sweating, her nerves were buzzing, and her thoughts were spinning. After a minute, she was too anxious to sit still. She got up and snagged the test off the counter, staring at the tiny window as she paced.
A pink line appeared.
Negative.
Relief swept through her, and she tipped her face up and closed her eyes, exhaling a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. She put her hand to her chest, trying to calm herself down, and looked at the test again.
A second, fainter line appeared.
Penny squinted, taking a closer look, and grabbed the box, scanning the instructions. Two lines. Pregnant.
Oh my God.
She couldn’t believe it. There was no way the test was right. She tore open another test and took it. When that one resulted in a positive, she opened the third one. Suddenly three didn’t seem like enough. Her heart sprinted in her chest.
Positive.
I’m pregnant? Holy crap, I’m pregnant.
She sank down to the edge of the tub as unfamiliar sensations rained over her. Her skin went hot, then cold, bringing gasps and goose bumps, and a disbelieving laugh tumbled out. Her hand covered her heart as a happier, surprised “I’m pregnant” came out in a whisper. She placed her hand on her belly, an unexpected calm enveloping her. “I’m going to have a baby.”
We’re going to have a baby.
She froze as that sank in, and her hands began to tremble. Her throat thickened, making it hard to breathe. If Scott couldn’t even say he loved her, then what hope did she have that he’d want this baby?
She sat frozen in place for a long time, numb, wanting to be happy but feeling devastated. She had to tell Scott, but she couldn’t tell Scott tonight. Not before the rehearsal dinner and definitely not tomorrow before the wedding. It would be too stressful for both of them, and that wasn’t fair to him or to Sarah. It was going to kill her to wait, but she had to. She’d tell him tomorrow night, after the wedding.
That decision made the pregnancy even more real. She swallowed hard as warring thoughts raced through her mind. Maybe he’ll be okay with it. What if he’s not? Of course he won’t be. He’s afraid to have kids.
Oh God.
I could lose Scott.
Our baby could lose its father.
She closed her eyes against a rush of tears as a ridiculous thought sailed through her mind. If only Finlay didn’t put the thought in my head, I wouldn’t have taken the test. The wave of guilt that followed made her nauseous again.
“I didn’t mean it.” She rubbed her belly, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I want you, baby. I just hope your daddy does, too.”
Chapter Four
PENNY SLITHERED OUT from under Scott’s arm Saturday morning, careful not to wake him as she stepped from the bed. They’d had a great time at the rehearsal dinner, celebrating with their friends. Sarah and Bones were so happy and in love, it gave Penny hope that maybe Scott would realize that acknowledging their love, getting married, and having a family wouldn’t be so bad after all.
She pulled on one of his T-shirts on the way to the bathroom, walking past his tuxedo hanging on the closet door. She knew that when she saw him walking Sarah down the aisle, she’d have even more fantasies about walking down an aisle to him one day, just as she’d had at Josie’s wedding. But now in that fantasy she imagined Scott holding their baby, beaming with pride.
She held on to that fantasy with everything she had, because any other was too sad to think about.
As she used the bathroom and brushed her teeth, she thought about how many times she’d almost told Scott she was pregnant last night. She didn’t even know how she was going to tell him after the wedding, when it wasn’t fair to ask him to change, and she couldn’t imagine a future without him. But she knew one thing for sure. Their baby was created out of love, and she wanted it as badly as she wanted him.
She headed down the hall to the kitchen, reminding herself not to think about any of it until after the wedding. She was determined to make today extra special for Scott for two reasons. First, because she knew he was nervous about walking Sarah down the aisle. When Josie and Jed had gotten married in February, it had been an emotional day for him. The second reason was for Penny as much as it was for Scott, because if he ended their relationship when he found out about the baby, at least they’d have these last few, hopefully magical, hours together.
She forced thoughts of the pregnancy down deep while she made blueberry-banana pancakes, and images of Scott’s teary eyes as he’d walked Josie down the aisle tiptoed through her mind. He loved his sisters so deeply, he’d confided in her about feeling like he’d failed them when he’d been kicked out of their parents’ house and had been unable to take them with him. Seeing all the good things he’d hoped Josie would one day find coming true had overwhelmed him. Penny knew it might be even harder for him with Sarah, since Sarah had suffered at the hands of their parents just as he had. That was why she was making Scott’s favorite breakfast.
While everyone else was worried about making today perfect for Sarah and Bones, Penny was making it perfect for Scott.
She transferred the pancakes to plates, poured two cups of coffee, and put everything on a tray. As she carried it down the hall, it dawned on her that Scott had spoken of his hopes for his sisters’ happiness many times, but he rarely spoke of the same for himself.
He was still fast asleep, so different from the restless sleeper he’d been months ago. She set the tray on the nightstand and took a moment to admire the incredibly loving, loyal man sleeping on his back with one arm still stretched across her side of the bed, the covers bunched around his waist. One leg peeked out of the blanket, the scars from his accident carving paths through his leg hair. She climbed onto the foot of the bed and kissed those scars. Then she kissed her way up his torso, tossing her own hopes for him up to the powers that be. Hopes that he wouldn’t sell himself short and would one day see that he would be an incredible, loving father and husband. And then she tossed out one more hope. If he truly doesn’t want those things, then please help me get through the grief of losing him so I can raise our baby with all the love it deserves.
“Mm. Mornin’, sweetheart,” he said in a groggy, sexy voice. He reached down, eyes closed, his fingers threading into her hair as she kissed the ridge of his pecs.
The adoration in his voice and his loving touch was all it took to push her thoughts aside and want to make love to him, to be as close as they could possibly be. She slicked her tongue over his nipple, and he pressed his hand on the back of her head, keeping her mouth there, another appreciative sound rumbling up his throat. She teased him the way she knew he loved, using her teeth and tongue, and his chest rose against her mouth.
“You feel so good, baby.”
His hips thrust, his erection tenting the sheet. She loved the things he said, the effect she had on him, and Lord help her, she was falling even more in love with him right that very second. She felt it, a pull deep inside her, wanting to make today not just extra special but the best day of their lives.
“I brought you breakfast in bed,” she said, tracing a muscle in his arm with her fingers.
“You’re the only thing I’m hungry for.”
He reached for her, but she wasn’t done loving him, and she kissed a path lower, her lips playing over his abs as she stripped away the sheets. She wrapped her fingers around his hard length, intent on driving him wild. He thrust as she lowered her mouth, closing her lips around him, their eyes connecting with the heat of a thousand suns. He watched her stroking him slow and tight, sucking and licking, drawing sinful moans from his lungs.
“Don’t come,” she taunted, and took him to the back of her throat, quickening her efforts. His every muscle corded tight, eyes ravenous as she swirled her tongue around the head.
“I fucking love your mo
uth,” he gritted out through clenched teeth.
It was a good thing her mouth was full, because I fucking love you was perched on the tip of her tongue. She drew away from his cock slowly, and he groaned. She grinned, whipping off her shirt as she straddled him and sank down, her body stretching to welcome every inch of his hard length. She stilled, her sex clenching. His eyes narrowed as he clutched her hips, trying to get her to ride him, but she loved teasing him too much and continued pulsing her inner muscles.
His eyes turned volcanic. “You’ve gotta move, baby.”
“Not yet,” she whispered, reached behind her and fondled his balls.
His hips shot up. “Fucking hell.”
The desire in his voice sent lust coursing through her. She brought one hand to her breast, the other between her legs, earning even sexier, greedier sounds. His hips pistoned, his fingers digging into her flesh as he lifted her up and pulled her down with his every thrust, stroking over that titillating spot inside her at a feverish pace. Pleasure engulfed her, and she cried out his name. In one swift move, he shifted her onto her back and captured her mouth with his. She abandoned all control, and their bodies took over, falling into perfect sync, taking them to that magical place where nothing else existed. He loved her so exquisitely, she soared toward the clouds, enveloped in love so pure and all-consuming they felt like one being as they catapulted into ecstasy.
When they collapsed to the mattress, Scott gathered her in his arms, snuggling her entire body from feet to chest. She felt buffered from the world, and she never wanted to leave the safety of his arms.
“Feel that?” he whispered into her ear.
“Mm-hm. I always do when we’re cocooned in our love.” The second the L word left her lips, she cringed, thinking she should take it back. But she didn’t want to, and she was too nervous to do anything more than lie there, eyes wide as saucers.
As the silence stretched from seconds to minutes, she was sure she’d made a huge mistake. The forbidden word churned between them, buffered in so many conflicting emotions, it made her heart ache. He shifted, and she feared her man of few words would get up and simply walk away. But one of his arms slid lower, his fingers spreading across her lower back. He gripped her shoulder with his other hand, holding their bodies flush from chest to thigh, as if he were trapping the word between them and was never going to let it—or her—go.
She closed her eyes, hoping he never would.
AN HOUR AND a half later, they were rushing around getting ready. They’d fallen back to sleep and had bolted out of bed in a panic. They had to leave in twenty minutes, or they’d be late for the wedding.
Penny finished drying her hair and shoved her hair dryer beneath the sink, hurrying out to the bedroom in her towel to grab the sexy lingerie she’d bought to match her dress. As she dug through her bag, she pulled out her heels and realized she’d brought an unmatched pair. “Shit! I brought two different heels.” She looked at Scott, who was pulling on his slacks, and said, “I need my nude heels to go with my dress. We have to stop by my place on the way, but I still have to do my makeup, pin up my hair, and get dressed. We’re never going to make it in time.”
He reached for his shirt. “You finish getting ready. I’ll go get your heels.”
Relief burst through her, and she threw her arms around him. “God I love you!” Oh shit! Shitshitshit! Twice in one day! She closed her eyes, telling herself to take it back, but she was done holding it in. If they could get past this one step, then telling him about the baby tonight would be easier. Drawing upon all of her courage, she said, “I do, Scotty. I love you.” She stepped back, his uncomfortable gaze slicing her wide open, and the truth came out. “I love who you are and who I am with you, and I know you love me, too. I feel it when you touch me, and I see it when you look at me.”
He didn’t say a word. He just stood there, his jaw clenching, the torture in his eyes almost too much to bear.
“You can’t even say it back to me?” Tears stung her eyes.
He stood rigid. “It’s not that.”
“Then what is it? They’re words, Scott. Words you should want to say if you truly love me. I’m not asking for a ring, but if you can’t even tell me you love me, then what are we doing?” She didn’t mean to raise her voice, but there was no holding back her pain.
“You know I love you, Penny, but those words come with a promise I can’t make.”
Tears slid down her cheeks. “The only promise they carry is one of love. I’m living out of a drawer and a bag, Scott, going back to my place every week to swap my clothes and bring more over. Do you know how that feels? Or what it’s like to lie in your arms loving you so much it hurts to keep it in?”
“Of course I do,” he said angrily. “I’m doing the same damn thing.”
She grabbed his hands. “But don’t you see? We don’t have to hold back. What we have is so beautiful and so right, we should be celebrating it. I know you’re scared of having kids because of all you went through, but you’re not like your father. You’re kind and loving, and you have the patience of a saint—”
“Stop.” He tore his hands away. “Do you have any idea who I see in the mirror every goddamn day? My father, Penny. A man who beat me and Sarah from the time we were little kids. You have no idea what it’s like to see your sister beaten or cowering in the corner. Or to go after the man who was doing it, when you’re too young and weak to stop him. One fucking punch from him sent me flying across the room, day after day, for years. And our goddamn mother calling Sarah heinous names all the time? Belittling us? I have no fucking idea how we survived, and I don’t know if that type of monster is a part of me.” He paced, gritting his teeth, nostrils flaring.
Tears blurred her vision.
“I love you with every fiber of my being, Penny. You’re the fucking eye to every storm. You’re my safe harbor. The world could be exploding around me, but when I look at you, when I hear your voice or feel your touch, nothing else matters. You make me feel whole and solid and so fucking good it’s unreal.” Tears glistened in his eyes. “I want what you want, to build a life free from duffel bags and wrong shoes. But I know how badly you want a family. I don’t think I would ever hurt a kid, but I’m not willing to take that risk and bring children into this world when something inside me could snap and I could end up just like my fucking father.” He turned away, hands curling into fists.
A crushing feeling in her chest emptied her lungs. She forced her legs to move, and she ran around him, putting her face in front of his, so he had to hear her. “But you’re not him, Scotty. You love your nieces and nephews. Hell, you adore all the kids—Lulu, Kennedy, Lincoln. You’re around kids all the time, and I’ve never heard you even yell at them.”
He tried to turn away, but she moved with him and said, “Even though I know you’ll never hurt a child, I understand why you are afraid, and I respect that. Please don’t throw away something we both know is right when there are ways to deal with issues like these. We can go to therapy together, talk to a professional who can figure out if you have that type of anger inside of you. Therapy helped Roni and Quincy. I’m sure they can recommend someone. And I’ll be by your side every step of the way. Whatever it takes, I’m there, all in.”
He swallowed hard, and she thought he was going to say something. When he didn’t, she said, “Look at your sisters. Sarah and Josie grew up in the same house as you, and they’re loving parents. Why would you be any different?”
He gritted his teeth, shaking his head, slaying her anew. “Penny…” His eyes glistened with tears.
“No,” she warned. “I’m not giving up on you, or on us, just because you’re too afraid to rip off the bandage and see what’s beneath it.” She threw her arms around his body, holding him tight, praying he wouldn’t end them, and was surprised that he embraced her back.
“I love you so fucking much it hurts me, too, Pen.” He kissed the top of her head, holding her tighter. “But what if a therapist says
I’m at risk? What then?” He took her by the arms, putting space between them, his anguished eyes driving a knife into her chest. “You’ll have spent months, maybe years, falling deeper in love with me, and you’ll never have the family you want. If that isn’t a recipe for regret, I don’t know what is.”
Her heart shattered, sobs tearing from her lungs.
“This is my shit, sweetheart,” he said in a gentler tone. His jaw tightened again, regret rising in his eyes. “You deserve a man who can give you everything you want.”
Nonononono. “I want you,” she said through sobs.
“I want you, too, because I’m a selfish prick. But that’s not fair, because I might never be enough for you.”
It took everything she had to force words through her swollen throat. “How can you know unless you try?”
He pulled her into his arms again, holding her even tighter than before, and said, “I don’t,” in a loving, sorrowful, broken voice.
Chapter Five
SCOTT STOOD AT a window in the five-story Davenport mansion, on the sought-after French-style country estate, gazing out at the impressive gardens where Bones and Sarah’s wedding was going to take place. Stone planters overflowing with red flowers lined an aisle of red carpeting over a lush green lawn, anchored at the far end by a stone dome-topped gazebo, where they would say their vows. Just beyond the gazebo was a large reflecting pool and fountain, and on the other side of the pool was the elaborate stone colonnade where the reception would take place. Between their friends, family, Bones’s professional colleagues, and members of the Dark Knights motorcycle club, of which Bones’s father, Biggs, was the president, and Bones and his brothers Bullet and Bear were members, more than two hundred guests were milling about.
Scott’s gaze moved over the crowd, quickly finding Penny, as if she were calling out to him. She was stunning with the sides of her hair pinned up and a few soft tendrils framing her face, wearing a peach off-the-shoulder dress with a breezy skirt and the nude heels they’d stopped to pick up on the way. They’d arrived a little late, but Sarah was as gracious as ever and hadn’t said a word about it. He watched Penny playing with Hail, Kennedy, and Lincoln, and his gut knotted. He’d been envisioning her with their children for months. It was hard not to when they were around his sisters’ kids so often. He imagined their little girls with big blue eyes, their honey hair twisted up with bows and ribbons, and lanky, shaggy-haired boys who loved the outdoors. They’d read them stories, teach them right from wrong, and shower them with so much love, all their kids’ friends would say they were the lucky ones. He imagined teaching them to fish and sail and taking them to the library, ball games, and to Penny’s shop to teach them how to make crazy ice cream sundaes with made-up names and too many toppings. He’d be their human jungle gym and their greatest protector, and Penny would look at him with the same stars in her eyes that she did when they babysat.
In for a Penny Page 4