by Kaylee, Katy
I swallowed. “You have to ask her, and I hope you won’t. Seriously, Gavin, I know you’re looking out for her, but she’s a woman who can make her own decisions.”
He sank back in his chair. “This is my fault. I was so out of it then, I couldn’t protect her.”
“I didn’t hurt her.” I bit out each word. That time with her was so precious to me and I couldn’t stand that he was turning into something sordid. “I loved her then, I think.”
“Yeah, well I guess she didn’t feel the same about you, did she? She got herself knocked up by some worthless piece of shit.”
I didn’t like that part either but kept my mouth shut.
He rubbed his temples. “I’m having a hard time with this Rafe. I know you, and I know you’re a good person, but Jesus, she’s my sister and you’ve—”
“Don’t think about that part. Think about how much I love her. How much I want to stay and take care of her.”
Gavin snorted. “Don’t tell her that. Summer can take care of herself.” Then he frowned. “How will you take care of her. Did you get a job?”
I shook my head. “Not yet, but I’m making an appointment to meet with someone about my job prospects.”
“Have you considered the sheriff’s department. You were MP before.”
“I don’t want that.”
“You’ve got the experience.”
I gaped at Gavin. “Do you want to carry a gun and go into places that hold potential violence?”
“Fuck no. I had enough of that in Iraq.”
“Me too.”
“So what are you going to do?” he asked.
“I don’t know, but I’ve got this place free and clear, and if Summer comes here, she won’t have rent anymore, so I have that to offer.”
Gavin nodded. “This is a prime piece of property. I bet you could sell it and make a fortune.”
I knew I could, but then Emma wouldn’t be able to play in the river.
Gavin leaned forward and poked at the pictures on my coffee table. “What’s all this?”
“Just some stuff I found.”
He picked up my mother’s school picture. “This looks like Emma.”
I nodded. “I thought the same thing. It’s my mother.”
“Really.” He studied the picture. “How long ago did your grandmother pass?”
“It will be five years next month. This is the first time I’ve really had the chance to go through her things.”
He nodded and set it down. He had a contemplative look on his face. Then he stood abruptly. “I’ve gotta go, man.”
I rose and walked with him to the door. “Okay.”
“Listen, my sister scares me more than you do, and she’ll bust my balls if I don’t accept this thing between you two, but it’s hard, Rafe.”
“I understand.”
He nodded. “We’ll talk later.”
“Good.” I watched as he walked to his truck. As I shut the door, my phone rang. All of a sudden, I was popular. “Hello?”
“Rafe?”
“My sweet Summer.”
“I love it when you say that.”
“Then I’ll say it more, my sweet Summer.”
She sighed. “I was wondering if you could come over this evening.”
“Sure. Everything alright?”
“Yes, I just wanted to talk to you.”
A warning bell went off in my brain. “You sure everything is okay?”
“Yes. I love you. Please remember that.”
For some reason, that didn’t alleviate the niggle of worry. “Fifteen minutes?”
“I’ll be here.”
She said, ‘I’ll’ not ‘we’. Where was Emma? The only way to find out was to head over to her townhome. I grabbed my keys, locked up the house, and drove to Summer’s place. Maybe if whatever she had to say wasn’t bad, I could ask her to move in with me. Maybe this night would be the proverbial first day of the rest of my life.
19
Summer
I’d brought Emma to Jess’ house for the evening. I could tell Jess was curious as to what was up since I didn’t normally ask for child care in the evenings. Thankfully, she didn’t press me on it. Instead, she said that Emma could stay the night if that’s what I needed.
Once I got back to my place, I was a wreck. I couldn’t decide what to do. Should I get some wine out? No, Rafe didn’t drink. Should I make myself pretty? No, this was a serious discussion that could ruin our relationship if he felt I’d betrayed him by not telling him sooner.
The knock on the door snapped me out of my torment. I looked at my watch. That was fast. But when I opened the door, it was Gavin.
“Now isn’t a good time, Gavin.”
“We have to talk Summer. It’s important.” His expression was stern, although not angry.
“Okay. Is everything okay with Lainey?”
“Yes.” He stepped through the door. I let the screen door close to keep out the bugs but left the front door open since Rafe would be coming soon. “This isn’t about me or Lainey.”
I sighed. “If you’re here to harp on Rafe—”
“I was just at Rafe’s.” He stood in front of me, his hands on his hips.
“You’re not hassling him, are you?”
His jaw tensed. “I went to see about saving our friendship. He told me this thing between you two started five years ago.”
My stomach lurched. “He did?” While I believed in honesty, there was such a thing as too much information. Wasn’t it enough that Gavin knew we were together now?
“He was going through his grandmother’s things. He’s cleaning up the place, wanting to make space for you and Emma.”
My heart filled with hope. He really did love me and Emma. “What Rafe and I—”
“Stop interrupting me, Summer. He had a picture of his mother as a kid. She looked a whole hell of a lot like Emma.” He glared down at me, and my stomach turned into knots. “I mean like spittin’ image.”
I swallowed.
“Summer.” Gavin stepped closer to me. “Be honest. Is Rafe Emma’s father?”
“That’s a discussion I need to have—”
“Jesus, Summer, he doesn’t even know?”
The screen door opened and Rafe stepped in. My whole world stopped as his dark eyes stared down on me in a mixture of confusion and disbelief. “Is that true?”
I couldn’t breathe. “I was going to tell you tonight.”
It appeared he couldn’t breathe either as his breath came in short pants. “I trusted you.” His voice was low and so soft I could hardly hear him. His dark eyes pierced mine. “I trusted you more than anyone. And you lied…you betrayed me more than anyone possibly could.”
I could see him withdrawing. “Rafe, let me explain.”
“Explain what?” His voice bellowed out, as his anger finally ramped up. “How can you possibly have a good reason for not telling me? Oh, let me guess, I’m not good enough.”
“Rafe, no—”
“I’m crazy.” He made a circling motion with his finger by the side of his head.
“No—I—”
He looked at Gavin. “Did you know?”
Gavin shook his head. “I just figured it out.”
He turned back to me. “You didn’t even tell me you were pregnant. If I hadn’t come home, I’d have gone through my whole life not knowing I had a child. What sort of fucked up thing is that to do?”
It was pretty fucked up. At the time, all my reasoning for holding off made sense, but now, it only made me a horrible person.
“Please Rafe, let’s talk. Let me tell you—”
“Tell me more lies? Jesus, you told me you were on the pill then.”
“That’s not true—”
“Fuck. Summer, are you lying now? In nine months is there going to be another baby you don’t tell me about?” His voice rose, and the tension, the anger radiated off him in waves.
“Rafe, maybe we should—”
“I
’m not going to hurt her, Gavin. She’s not worth it.” He turned and opened the screen door.
I ran after him. “Rafe, wait. Please, let me explain.”
He didn’t acknowledge me as he went to his car. “Rafe,” I called from the door.
“Let him go, Summer. Give him some time to cool off.”
I watched as he got in his car and drove off. “No.” God, please don’t go. I turned to Gavin. “You need to go after him.”
“And do what? He’s not going to listen to me.”
“You have to make sure he’s okay.”
He laughed derisively. “He’s not okay, Summer. Jesus, what were you thinking? Why didn’t you tell him? Why didn’t you tell me and dad?” He stared down on me like he didn’t know me. I suppose that was true. I didn’t know me.
“Please Gavin, I’ll explain everything, but please go after him. Don’t let him leave town. That’s his instinct, to leave. You can’t let him.”
“Can you blame him, Summer? I love you, honey, but I’d leave too if someone did that to me.”
My heart felt like it was crushed under a vise. “It’s not just me, though. I know he won’t forgive me, but he’s Emma’s father. She needs him and he needs her. Please, remind him of that.”
“Fuck.” He blew out a breath.
I gripped his shirt. “Please, Gavin.”
“Yeah, okay.” He stared at me for another moment. Then he shook his head and walked out the door.
My legs gave out and I dropped to the floor. My tears came in weeping sobs. I’d ruined everything. I had everything I’d wanted right in front of me for the taking and I’d lost it because I was an idiot. I knew I had to go pick up Emma, but I couldn’t get myself off the floor. How was I going to face her knowing I’d ruined a chance for her to know her daddy?
I don’t know how long I was there when the screen door opened. My head jerked up, hoping against all hope Rafe had changed his mind. Instead, Lainey stepped in.
“Oh, honey.” She rushed to me. “Come on, Summer.” She helped me stand and walked me to the couch. “Gavin called and asked that I come over.”
“Tonight is your night at the restaurant.” I’d just remembered that.
“Family is more important.”
I burst out crying again because I hadn’t honored that. Rafe had no one. No family, except Emma, and I’d kept that from him. Lainey held me, rocking me as we sat on the couch.
Eventually, my weeping subsided.
“What happened Summer? Is it true, Rafe is Emma’s father?”
I nodded.
“He didn’t take it well?”
“He might have if I’d told him.” I looked at Lainey.
Her expression was both sympathy and disappointment. “Why would you not tell him?”
My breath hitched as a new wave of tears threatened. “I’m an idiot.”
She kissed my head. “Where is Emma?”
“At Jess’.”
“Then we have time. Start at the beginning. The very beginning. How is it it’s possible he’s Emma’s father?”
I told her about how I’d been attracted to him since I’d first noticed boys, and how I’d gone to see him after his grandmother died.
“Didn’t you use protection?”
I gave her a sheepish smile. “I thought it was too early in my cycle. After that I got on the pill, but that first time…”
“Oh, honey.” She shook her head. “You can’t trust mother nature with birth control.”
“I don’t regret it.” I stared into her eyes so she could see the truth of it in mine. “I got Emma. It was scary and hard, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
“Yes, of course, you would. I would too if it were me. But Summer, Rafe could have helped you. He’s responsible for her care too. Why didn’t you tell him?”
I rested my head on the back of the couch. “I was going to, but he left before I could. He wrote me a letter saying that I needed to move on with my life.” I turned my head to look at Lainey. “I think he expected he wouldn’t survive his next tour.”
“You still could have reached him.”
“I didn’t want to add to his burden. He had enough to worry about keeping himself alive.”
“What did you plan to do when he came home?”
“Honestly, I didn’t think I’d see him again.” What a dope.
“You thought he’d die too?” Her eyes furrowed in confusion.
“That or he’d never come back. With his grandmother gone, he had no reason to come home.”
“Except a child.”
I pressed my hands over my face. “I know…why did my reasoning make sense before and now it sounds idiotic?”
“What was your reasoning?” She pulled me closer, offering me comfort I didn’t deserve.
“I told you why I didn’t contact him when I first found out. When he came home, at first, I told myself I wanted to make sure he was psychologically stable, and later I wanted to make sure he planned to stay. I don’t want Emma to be abandoned like Gavin and I were.”
“You think Rafe would do that?”
“His first instinct is to leave.”
“Now maybe, but if he knew about Emma, do you think he’d really leave?”
I dug the heels of my palms in my eye sockets, as again, Lainey pointed out what I’d failed to consider. Rafe’s MO was to run, but he wasn’t a man to abandon his responsibilities.
“Does Emma know?”
I shook my head. “Not yet.”
Lainey sat with me quietly for a moment. “Well, maybe when he calms down, you can talk to him and work this all out.”
“Would you forgive something like that?” There was no way I could make up for my betrayal.
“I forgave your brother for sleeping around town.”
“He had a drinking problem and—”
“He still did it and knew he was doing it.”
“I need to tell Emma.”
She nodded. “But why don’t you wait and see what happens with Rafe. If he does leave, then maybe it’s better to keep the status quo.”
I shook my head. “Keeping this secret is what started all this. I lied to you and Gavin and my father.”
“Why did you do that? We were all there for you.”
“I didn’t want people to think badly of Rafe. I didn’t want Gavin to know…even this time, he didn’t take it well.” I sat up straighter and wiped my face. “I need to tell Emma. She deserves to know.”
“Why don’t you wait. Maybe Rafe will come around and you two can tell her together.”
“What if he doesn’t come around?”
Lainey pulled me in tight for a hug. “Everything will sort itself out. Right now, you need to get your own self straight. If you want, I can take Emma home tonight.”
“No. I’ll pull myself together and bring her home. I need her now.”
“Summer, this thing with you and Rafe, was it that serious?”
I nodded. “I thought we might be a family. But I messed that up. Oh, Lainey, I’ve ruined everything for all of us.” I burst into tears as the pain and guilt overwhelmed me again.
“Oh, honey.” Lainey pulled me close. “Don’t give up yet. I’ve learned that love can find a way. But it can take time and a whole lotta patience.”
I hoped she was right. She’d stuck by Gavin during his crazy time, mostly. At one point, after Wendy Hanson bragged to everyone about doing my brother in the bathroom at Crazy Joe’s Bar, Lainey had had enough and broken up with him.
My father had about reached his limit with Gavin as well, kicking him out of the house. “I can’t have a drunk around my pregnant daughter, or my grandchild when it arrives.” He’d told Gavin. “You get your shit together, boy, or you get out.”
At first, Gavin chose to get out. I’m not sure if there was one thing that put him on the right path, but I do know, Emma’s arrival seemed to change something in him. He got help for his drinking and dealing with his PTSD and war injury. And
he groveled every day for a long time before Lainey took him back.
Would Rafe change his mind if I groveled every day? Even if he didn’t take me back, would he at least be here for Emma? Knowing that he thought I didn’t think he was good enough broke my heart. But isn’t that what I was thinking? I’d always known about his goodness, but if I was concerned about his mental health or commitment, didn’t that mean I didn’t think he was good enough?
I was such an idiot, Rafe was one of the best men I knew. And what I’d done only made it worse because I was the one person he’d trusted. How would he trust anyone, much less me, after being betrayed so badly? Had I ruined his ability to believe in others? To believe in himself? I could barely breathe, as the guilt of that crushed me.
20
Rafe
In the military, it’s drilled into our heads that we can’t trust anyone but our brothers in arms. As I got ready to leave the military, my sergeant told me I should stay. I was a good soldier and had a place in the military.
“Out in the civilian world, you won’t fit in anymore, Rafe.”
He’d been right until I reconnected with Summer. I thought I’d finally found my place, but in the end, the sergeant had been right. No one could be trusted and I didn’t fit in the civilian world.
I sat on the bank of the river, trying to decide my next move. My brain was reeling not just about the lie, but that Summer had betrayed me. She’d have been the last person in the world I’d ever think would keep something from me, much less something so important.
Fuck, I was a father. I didn’t even know what to do with that.
“Rafe.” Gavin’s voice drifted from behind me.
“I’m not in the mood, Gav.”
He ignored me as he sat on the bank beside me.
“If she sent you, I’m not interested.”
“What she did…Rafe…I can’t believe it. It’s not like her.”
“Well, apparently it is. At least when it comes to me.” Her words, ‘I wish you could see you as I see you’, floated through my brain. What a load of bullshit. And I had bought it. She was making me feel like I belonged. Like I had worth. Turned out, my dick had worth to her and that was about it. I wasn’t worthy enough to know about my own child.