by Kaylee, Katy
I let out a frustrated growl. “Fuck.”
“There’s no good reason for this Rafe, but you should hear her out anyway. I don’t think she was malicious.”
I turned to him, “She didn’t think it was important enough to tell me she was pregnant or had my child. How is that not malicious?”
He shrugged and turned to look out over the water. “What are you going to do?”
“What can I do? She doesn’t want me. And fuck it, she’s probably right. What do I have to offer?”
Gavin was quiet for a moment. “I’ve been to this pity party. I spent a lot of time there, and you know what it got me, Rafe?”
“I don’t want any pep talks right now Gavin.”
“I lost my gal, got a DUI, and it nearly cost me my family.”
“It’s not the same.”
“No, I guess it isn’t. And I can’t blame you for wanting to wallow, but you have a daughter, Rafe. A beautiful sweet daughter who thinks the world of you and doesn’t even know you’re her father yet. Jesus, she’s going to be over the moon when she finds out.”
“Why bother telling her? Summer doesn’t think I’m worthy—”
“That’s not true. Summer was wrong not to say anything sooner, but she was going to tell you.”
I shook my head.
“Fucking hell, Rafe…you’re a father. You have rights and responsibilities. Whether you fix things with Summer or not, you have that. Are you really going to sit here like a big fucking whiner?”
“You can leave now.”
“No. You’re really going to abandon your child? Just like your own parents did to you. If you are, then Summer was right to keep Emma from you. Emma doesn’t deserve that.”
“Don’t you dare turn this on me.” I jumped up and stalked toward my house.
“It only gets turned on you if you run away, Rafe. Summer deserves every bad thought you have about her right now, but Emma is innocent. She’s a child. She’s your child.”
She’s yours.
I pressed the palms of my hands on the side of my head, wanting the racing thoughts and extraordinary pain to stop. Everything just had to stop.
“I should have never touched her. You were right about that, Gavin.”
“You fucking take that back!” Gavin roared, pushing me.
Adrenaline filled my bloodstream, and my body tensed, ready to fight or flee. “What the hell?”
“If you hadn’t fucked her, Emma wouldn’t be here you son-of-a-bitch. Jesus, Rafe, can’t you even see that? I don’t care how broken you feel right now, I’d have you go through it a million times if it was the only way that child got to be in the world.”
“I’m not the asshole, here Gavin.” I tried to walk into my house, but he grabbed my arm. Anger swept through me hard and fast. I swung my right arm until my fist connected with his cheek. He staggered back, and I took the opportunity to go into my house.
“You are an asshole, Rafe, if you abandon that little girl.” He followed me inside.
I whirled on him. “She doesn’t even know about me! Summer saw to that.”
His eyes softened. “She will though. Summer will tell her.”
“She’s a fucking bitch.”
“Careful, Rafe.” Gavin’s tone was low but dark.
“She doesn’t tell me about Emma because she doesn’t think I’m a good enough dad, and now, she’s going to tell her and make me be the bad guy if I don’t step up.”
Gavin’s eyes darkened. “Are you seriously not going to step up? I thought you loved Emma. You were getting ready to make a fucking home for both of them.”
“That was before.” All of a sudden, every bit of strength left my body. I sank down onto a chair in my kitchen and dropped my head onto my arms on the table. Fuck, I was going to cry. Big badass Marine Rafe Buchanan was about to cry like a pussy.
“Don’t let Summer take this from you, Rafe.”
A hand settled onto my shoulder. “You’re a good man. Summer loves you, despite what her actions might seem like. And Emma does too.”
I didn’t have the strength to respond.
“At least make the room for Emma here. Get the dog. She needs you and I’m pretty sure you need her too.”
I sat up. “I don’t have a job, so if you’re looking for financial—”
“Fuck you, Rafe!” Gavin stared at me like I was the worst human being on the planet.
I supposed I was. Summer seemed to think so.
“Yes, you have a responsibility, but—” He stopped and shook his head. “Maybe Summer did the right thing, you piece of shit. Emma deserves a father who’ll fight for her. Her uncle shouldn’t have to convince her father she’s worth the effort.” The disgust in his expression had my stomach roiling. “Congratulations, you’re no better than your own parents.”
With one last searing glare, he walked out of my kitchen and out the door.
Good riddance. I hated him for turning this on me. I hated Summer for not believing in me. I hated everyone. Most of all, I hated myself, because Gavin was right, I wasn’t any better than my parents.
I went to my bedroom and cursed because I swore the scent of Summer lingered in the air. I grabbed my duffle bag and began to stuff it with clothes. If I left now, Summer wouldn’t have to tell Emma about me at all. They could go back to their normal happy lives they’d had before I came home. Summer could find some other prick to betray. He could be Emma’s father.
Fuck! The thought of someone else being Emma’s father made me sick. Jesus, even after what Summer had done, the idea of another man touching her made me want to hit something.
No! I couldn’t let my heart get in the way. It had betrayed me too by letting me fall in love with her. War was hell, but love was fucking torture and I was done with it.
I finished packing, made sure all the windows and doors were locked, and then headed out to my car. I’d leave a message with Lainey’s boss at the property management office to put the house up for sale. No…I’d call a lawyer and have him make arrangements to give the house to Emma. I could at least do that. I think I heard once I could sell something for $1 and that’s all the buyer would have to pay taxes on. A lawyer would know. If I did that, at least Emma would have something of mine, and Summer would live rent-free, making it easier to provide for Emma.
Feeling good that I’d done my part, I got into my car, started it up, and drove out of Hope, Virginia for the last time.
21
Summer
Ultimately, I decided to leave Emma at Jess’. Thankfully, Lainey walked down there to ask her if it was okay, and brought some clothes for Emma for tomorrow. I was just too much of a mess to be a mom. Another failing.
Lainey had just handed me a glass of wine when my door opened. I jumped up, hoping beyond all hope that Rafe had changed his mind and come back. Unfortunately, it was Gavin who entered. His face as hard as granite.
“Oh God. Is he leaving?” My legs felt weak. I set the wine down so I didn’t drop the glass.
“Maybe. Probably.”
“What about Emma?” I’d have thought I’d be out of tears, but they were streaming down my face again.
Gavin scoffed. “You really fucked him up, Summer.”
“Gavin.” Lainey chastised.
“She needs to know,” he told her. As if I didn’t know.
“He thinks you didn’t say anything because you don’t think he’s worthy. Right now, he seems to believe you.”
“Oh God.” I dropped down to my knees again.
Lainey rushed to me and helped me to the couch.
“You can’t tell Emma about Rafe, Summer.”
“Gavin, give her a minute.”
“Summer brought this on herself.”
“I have to tell her. Keeping secrets is why I’m in the mess.” I buried my face in my hands, too ashamed to look at either of them.
“And what if he leaves, Summer? You betray him by not telling him and now you’re going to tell his little girl
that he abandoned her. He’s right, you are a fucking bitch.”
“Gavin!” Lainey shouted.
“You would really set him up like that? After what you did to him?”
“Did you even try to make him come back and talk to her?” Lainey asked Gavin. “Or you did you just both shit on Summer?”
“This isn’t my fault, Lain. You know it too, Summer.”
I nodded. He was right. About all of it.
“I’ll admit I didn’t try very hard to convince him to forgive you, Summer, because I still can’t believe you did this. But I did try to make him stay for Emma. I’ve got a bruise on my cheek to prove it.” He turned his head.
“God, he hit you?” Lainey’s voice turned from anger to concern as she went to Gavin.
“I grabbed him.” He brushed her away. “The point is, he believes you. He believes that he’s not good enough for you or Emma.”
“God…what can I do?”
“He was going to ask you to move in with him. He’d been getting the house ready for you and Emma.”
“Gavin, now you’re just being mean.”
Gavin turned his hard stare on Lainey. “No meaner than you were to me. And I deserved every bit of what you dished out after what I did to you. Summer needs to know.” He turned his attention back to me. “What I don’t understand, is how you could do this. You’re a therapist, for Christ sake. Shouldn’t you have known better than to keep something like this from him? Never mind, that you lied to us, me, Lainey and dad all these years. Who are you?”
He was right about all of it. But I was too washed out to deal with it anymore. The guilt was crushing me and I didn’t know how I’d ever gain enough strength to carry on, much less to be a mom. I lay down and curled into a ball.
“Gavin, let her be for now. You can rail on her again later.”
“I’m not doing this to be mean to her. She brought this on herself.”
“She knows it. She doesn’t need you to pound it into her.”
He huffed out a breath. “Where’s Emma?”
All of a sudden, I jerked up. “You don’t think he’d take her, do you?” The minute the words were out of my mouth I regretted it. Rafe wasn’t vengeful. And whatever he thought of me, he wouldn’t do anything that would hurt Emma.
Gavin stared at me like he’d never seen me before. “Even now, you think he’s the type of man that would do that?” He shook his head. “Don’t fear, Summer. Chances are he’s halfway out of the state by now.”
“Emma is at Jess’. I’m going to stay here tonight with Summer.” Lainey sat next to me on the couch.
“Don’t be angry at me,” Gavin said.
“I’m not angry. I’m annoyed, but that’s not why I’m staying. She needs support. Right or wrong, Summer is family and a good person.”
“No, I’m not.” I was the worst.
“Tomorrow we’ll figure out what to do about Rafe and Emma.”
“I’m begging you, Summer. If Rafe leaves, don’t tell Emma. She doesn’t need the kind of heartache like we had with our mother leaving. And it’s not fair to Rafe to make him the bad guy when all this is on you.”
I nodded. He was right. “Yes. I agree.”
“Good. You want me to stay too?”
“Not if you’re going to be a jerk,” Lainey said.
He glared at her. “I’m just being honest.”
“Well, now that you’ve done that, perhaps you can be a supportive big brother.”
He sank down into a chair. “I’ll try.”
I wasn’t alone, and for that I was grateful. But Rafe was alone and it was my fault. He and Gavin were right. I was a fucking bitch.
I had to find a way to make it up to him. To at least tell him that I thought the world of him. “I’ve got to go to Rafe’s.”
“Now’s not a good time,” Gavin said.
“Now might be the only time.” I rose from my couch.
“You shouldn’t drive, honey.” Lainey took my hand and tugged, trying to get me to sit down again.
“Then you drive me. I have to go.”
“I’ll take her.” Gavin stood and pulled his keys from his pocket.
“We’ll both take her.”
“Okay.” A little piece of hope bloomed in my chest. Maybe he’d be there. Maybe he’d listen to what I had to say. And if he didn’t forgive me, maybe he’d at least decide to be Emma’s father.
Because Gavin had his truck, we piled in Lainey’s car and Gavin drove us to Rafe’s. My heart sank as we pulled up to the house. His car was gone and the lights were off.
“Oh, no.”
“I’ll check around back.” Gavin got out of the car and walked along the side of the house.
I went up to the front porch and knocked on the door. Then I looked in the windows. There was no sign of Rafe.
“He’s not here.” Gavin stood at the bottom of the steps of the porch. “I’m sorry, Summer.”
“Where would he go? Do you know?”
Gavin shook his head. “I don’t.”
I sank onto one of the resin chairs on the porch. “Gavin?”
“Yes.”
“What will I do?” I looked at him. “I’ve…I’ve ruined everything. I ruined his life. Emma’s life. My life, not that mine matters at this point.”
“Stop it, Summer. You’re life matters. Emma will be fine. Rafe…well…Rafe already had his demons.”
“You being nice now doesn’t help.”
“I figure you’re going to beat yourself up more than I ever could.”
“How did he look?”
Gavin sighed and sat on the top step of the porch. “Torturing yourself isn’t going to help.”
“I want to know.” I had to know. I had to know just how extensive of damage I’d done.
“Not good.”
I began to weep.
“I told him to fight for Emma. Told him he was an asshole if he didn’t. But since he already thought he was an asshole, it didn’t seem to make much impact.”
“Thank you for trying. I know the idea of us together was difficult for you.”
He shrugged. “Yes, but I love Emma, and if he’s Emma’s father, I can’t help but be thankful for him.”
“You’re the best uncle ever. I hope I’m as good of an aunt to your baby as you are an uncle to Emma.”
“You might get close,” he said with light humor.
Lainey got out of the car. “Hey, you guys going to wait all night?”
Gavin stood and held out a hand for me. “We should get her to bed.”
I nodded. “Yes, I’m sorry. I remember how exhausted I was at seven months pregnant.” But Rafe didn’t know. He didn’t know anything about my pregnancy. Like how I hadn’t had morning sickness. Or how I’d had a relatively short labor, which I attributed to large hips. For once, I was glad to be a big woman.
He didn’t know how Emma was born perfect, or about the month she had colic. He didn’t know when she first slept through the night or first smiled or took her first step. I couldn’t breathe as the ramifications of all I’d stolen from him hit me.
“Summer?” Gavin’s voice broke through. “We’ll think of something. Right now, let's get some rest, okay?”
I nodded, but I knew I’d never rest again. The guilt would likely eat me alive and I deserved it. I had to hope Rafe would change his mind and come back for Emma. The next best thing would be to hope he ended up someplace where he could find peace. Maybe there was another woman who could do what I couldn’t; love him as he deserved to be loved.
22
Rafe
I’d driven up north and found a cheap hotel near the Quantico Marine Base to stay the night. As I went to bed, my phone chirped indicating I’d received a notification. There were only two people who would contact me; Summer and Gavin, and I didn’t want to talk to either of them, so I ignored the text.
The next morning, I didn’t bother to check the text either. Instead, I showered, and then called a lawyer in Ho
pe to make the arrangements for transferring the house to Emma. He advised me that selling it even for one dollar wouldn’t avoid tax problems, but that there were ways we could give her the house. He said he’d be in touch with Summer and to let him know where I’d be so he could fax paperwork when it was ready. Good question, I thought. By the end of today, I planned to be a U.S. Marine again, if the Marines would take me back.
After that, I headed out to the nearest pancake house to get some food before heading to the base. I was waiting to be seated when another man entered behind me.
“Rafe?”
I turned to the man. He looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place him.
“Joe. From the group at the VA.”
“Oh, right.” I shook his hand. “How are you?”
“Skipping group today, like you.” He smiled affably. “But I’ve got a good reason. I’m picking up my kids to spend some time with them. How about you?”
I shrugged. “Just some things to take care of on base.”
He frowned. “You’re not re-upping, are you? You don’t want to go back to that hell-hole...”
I was grateful when the hostess appeared. “Two?”
“Yes,” Joe said. “We might as well eat together. We can have our own group, then we don’t have to feel guilty for missing.”
I wasn’t feeling guilty, but I didn’t have the oomph to argue. “Sure.”
She showed us to a booth in the corner.
“Do you mind if I sit on this side?” Joe asked. “I like to see the door.”
I shrugged. I’d discovered that many vets had a variety of quirks related to their PTSD, one of which was being able to see the front door at all times. Fortunately, I didn’t have this particular issue.
“How long you been out?” Joe asked as I looked over the menu.
“Six months, give or take.”
Joe set his menu down. “That’s not long enough, man. You need to give it more time before deciding to go back.”
I wasn’t interested in being talked out of my decision.
“It took me about three years to start to feel normal, or at least less disenfranchised. Uncle Sam does a good job training you to be a soldier but not so much on how to come back home, don’t you think?”