by LJ Amodeo
“It’s just that I feel this connection to something bigger than me–than life, almost unnatural. I can’t describe it, but it’s this feeling of–”
“—of?” Freddie interjected.
I take a deep breath, staring up at the sky. I rub my eyes with my hands, exasperated and confused. “Promise you won’t think I’m crazy?” I asked Freddie. He immediately nodded his head as his eyes flickered rapidly, curious of what I was about to reveal to him.
“I sense things, unmatched to this world. They call me, like a force. Sometimes, they’ll taunt me, in a good way, but in a bad way, too. I just wish I could remember.” I turned away, knowing how ridiculously insane I sounded carrying on about this psychosis of mine. The more I spoke about this far-fetched notion, the more Freddie’s awed expression began to upset me.
“Beth, who calls you? Are you hearing things–voices?” He whispered alarmed by my new experiences.
“That’s the part I can’t answer, Freddie. I don’t know what they are, but it’s as if they try to talk to me when I close my eyes,” I said, fighting back the tears.
“Ok. Alright, m . . . maybe you just need to keep busy, you know, keep your mind off everything that’s happened to you. It was serious, Beth. You gave me and your mom a scare. Let’s be happy you are here, where you are safe and very much loved. Some of your memories will come back in time. When they do, I will be the one waiting to help you sort them out.”
“When will my memories come back. Is this normal? Are there more things I don’t remember? Freddie, maybe these things calling me are my memories?” I stuttered with this new revelation.
“Give yourself a little time to heal. You’re in a good place now and your mother will always do what’s best for you.” Freddie comforted me, stroking my cheek. I nuzzled myself in his arms, trying to understand the problems and difficulties that outlined my life, hoping one day, to fill the void in my head and in my heart. Hoping to remember what once was. Freddie wrapped his arms tighter around me as I inhaled his fresh scent.
Several hours passed as Freddie and I relaxed lazily on the grass. I was certain we both thought about my memories and inklings, as we sat a long time holding hands in silence.
“I’m going for a walk. You wanna come with me?” I asked my friend.
“Nah! I’ll chill here.” He replied almost asleep.
“Okay, see you in bit.” I replied, slipping my hand away from his and tying up my converse sneakers before heading for the rolling hills beyond the meadows of the lake.
The rays of the sun tunneled through the soaring pines that delicately scribbled against the bright sky. The fascinating array of plants on the woodland floor flourished, adding splendor to its already animated color. With a new admiration for the forest, my recent fascination with the ecology satisfied my senses of everything around me. I stepped over tall blades of grass, into a clearing of yellow perils and rows of deep blue-lavender bushes receding up the hill to the distant sunny slope. At the top of the hill, the view was spectacular. I strolled along the perimeter and noticed several stone pillars jutting out from the earth. Most of the posts were broken and covered by moss and earth, but I continued to search for other remnants of what may have been a magnificent structure.There must have been something here, something old,I thought as I lolled around the meadow. My fingers traced the outline of the aged rocks. Something in its touch gave me the impression that I knew this place. There was a familiar presence about it as I looked at the lake through a small clearing between the trees, just passed the tranquil scenery. I liked this place. It was peaceful. “I’ve been here before,” I said out loud to myself. An excitement suddenly fluttered in my stomach. An amazingly warm feeling. A good feeling. A memory, perhaps. I knew I missed something so terribly that it almost pained me. But what?
My head tilted back, soaking in the splendid sun, as I inhaled the wonderful fragrances of the lavender bushes. Something furry brushed up against my leg. Immediately, I pulled my knee up toward my chest in a natural reaction of fear of critters and bugs that crawled on my skin. But it was not a critter that stroked my ankle, only an adorable puppy, a Yorkie, who watched me with the most adoring eyes.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for Zeus to disrupt your meditation.” A soft, friendly voice called out behind me. I lifted off the pillar and turned to greet the owner of the small dog with such an outlandish name.
“Zeus?” I giggled as I peered up. The earth swayed beneath my feet, making me stumble a bit off balance, as the stranger helped me steady myself.
“Whoa! You all right, there?” His kind voice echoed in my head.
“Sorry, I’m a bit dizzy, maybe too much sun for one day.” I shied away from his grip. Zeus lay peacefully at my feet with its little paws stretched upward. I crouched to rub its belly.
“Be careful, he’s a brute.” The boy joked.
I looked up at him. The sun’s glow behind him, created a halo of soft light around his striking face. I slightly lost my balance slouching over the puppy, staring into his sapphire eyes. His brows burrowed quizzically.
“Did I say something wrong?” he murmured slowly.
“No, no. Do I know you?” I asked standing upright and close to him in proximity.
“I don’t believe we’ve met here. I’m sure I would remember.” He tittered. He extended his hand. “Mike.” He smiled exposing the deep dimples on his tanned cheeks.
I whisper his name trying to recall if I knew him from somewhere. I stared blankly toward the trees as I recited the words, “Mike . . . Mike . . . Michael,” My eyes met his as his name rang a bell.
“Or . . . Michael if you’d like. Most of my friends call me Mike, though.” I believed I had met him before, but couldn’t put a finger to it. As I deliberated the thoughts in my head, Mike’s smile wavered, parting his lips as if he wanted to say something.
“Bethy! Yo, Beth . . .” Freddie shouted my name from a distance. I wanted to respond, but this beautiful stranger had me mystified, unable to move from his gripping eyes.
“Is he looking for you?” He asked, breaking my trance. My initial reaction was to touch the creamy skin on his cheek. To rub my thumb across his lip, yet I somehow knew that if I stroked his face, it would be silk against my fingers. The quake in my stomach rose and dipped, like the feeling on a roller coaster. Completely exhilarating. Again he asked about the unnecessary shouting echoing passed the trees. Nodding my head reluctantly, I shook off my fascination with the newcomer.
“Y––yes, he is looking for me, it’s my friend. I’m– Elizabeth. My friends call me Beth.” I said, this time holding my hand out toward the beautiful stranger. He looked down at my extended hand and clasped it tenderly in his. “Hello again.” He replied, grinning from ear to ear.
Freddie jogged up the hill abruptly stopping when he saw this guy holding my hand. Freddie’s hands flew to the top of his head, holding his skull as if it were to burst in half.
“Oh, geez! What the f-?”
Freddie’s jaw dropped as his face turned stunned and confused. He shook his head uncontrollably, like a disappointing goal that had just cost the team their final game. After minutes of ceaseless chatter and cursing, Freddie reluctantly walked toward me and Mike. His eyes ogling at my new friend and his dog. Mike let go of my hand. I took Freddie’s uncouth behavior as an indication of jealousy. Since my surgery, Freddie and I have become very close, at times questioning my own feeling for him. Perhaps, Freddie’s feelings toward me were a bit more than friendship, as well.
Freddie, stood face to face with my new friend. His dazed eyes studied Mike warily.
“How’s it going? I’m Mike,” he said, stepping back to open up the space between them. I carefully positioned myself between them, hoping that Freddie’s adrenaline would not pose a problem for the visitor. It took him a moment to catch his breath and focus. I nudged him to say something in reply. “Freddie.” He replied, with a vacant stare at Mike. He looked back at me peering inquisitively.
<
br /> “Freddie, what’s the matter with you?” I muttered under my breath, through clenched teeth.
“Come on, we better go.” He hinted to me with urgency, but his eyes were clearly locked on Mike’s.
“Good to meet you, Freddie.” Mike said, kindly.
Freddie boorishly nodded and walked away, pulling me along with him, occasionally turning to look back at Mike. I hardly had a chance to wave goodbye.
We descended the hill in a hurry. His pace increased almost to a run. I barely caught my breath when I slowed him down.
“Wait! Stop! Freddie, what’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” I puffed for air.
His agitation did not hinder. He only combed his fingers through his hair and covered his face with both hands in obvious frustration.
“Errrr, Beth!” was all he emitted from his clenched teeth and angered face.
“What!” I retaliated. “Are you upset that I was talking to that guy? It doesn’t mean anything. Does it bother you?”
“Me? Bothered by that guy? No way! He doesn’t intimidate me.” Freddie snickered.
“Oh really? Then why did you look like you wanted to kick the shit out of him when you saw us together? Huh?” I growled back.
“I did not!” he dithered.
“Freddie, we really should talk. Seriously talk about—” I stuttered as Freddie jumped in.
“I forgot I have something to do. We really should go.” He said, turning to walk back to the lake, obviously consumed in thought.
“Fine.” I said glancing back to see Zeus and his stunning playmate wrestling in the grassy knoll. I smiled to myself, darting a quick look to my agitated friend who paid careful attention to the grass that crunched beneath his feet with every slow step.
Freddie nearly pushed me in the door when we reached my doorstep. “Okay, see ya, Beth! I’ll call you later.” He jumped into his mustang as the tires peeled on the dirt pavement, kicking up small pebbles in a cloud of dust.
“Geez, Freddie!” I yelled out after him, coughing and waving the dust away from my face.
Mom wasn’t home as usual. Lately, she hadn’t been spending much time with me. She stayed mostly at work preparing her classroom for the upcoming school year, or planning weekend trips with her new love interest. She told me that Dr. Bates began working with mental patients at Letchworth and had seminars coming up in the Lake Erie area about new advancements in psychotherapy. He has invited her to join him on his trips. It has been some time since Mom left Caneadea or had a real vacation apart from emergency visits to Kaslo for grandma, Mary. She was long overdue for one and if the doctor, whom I did not care for, made her happy, it made me happy.
I spent several days lolling around my garden. The sun was setting on the bronze horizon. My latest interest in planting occupied most of my free time alone. Mom’s doctor boyfriend suggested planting as a hobby to help the progression of my recovery. I had to agree with him, it was truly calming and comforting. Freddie and Mom helped me cultivate patches of dirt, whenever they were around. I had grown fond of scented flowers and carpeted shrubbery. Refreshing grape hyacinths and powdery thalias surrounded my little oasis, my sanctuary, while sweet violets and lily of the valley crept around the perimeter of the white picket fence. The licorice scent of the hyssop was one of my favorites. This was the flower offered to Jesus of Nazareth on the cross before he died. I was eternally indebted, given a second chance to enjoy all of nature’s bounties.
I strolled through the path of long-tubular flowers of the woodland tobacco, which held a fragrance so intense, it was almost believable that it sprayed its aroma at dusk while no one was around. The one flower that held its own, the beauty that inspired me most, was the gardenia. The exotic sweet-perfumed blossom roused curious emotions in my core. I wasn’t able to understand its power over me, but it captivated me wholly: mind, body and soul. A wooden bench rested beneath the Weeping Katsura, otherwise known as Amazing Grace. The pendulous form of this dappled tree offered shade from the blustering summer sun, as its spicy fragrance, scented its golden leaves. This was my gift to my amazing Grace, my mom. I’d sit here for hours writing in my journal. Although, I had written things in my journal prior to my surgery, some pages had been torn out and what remained didn’t make much sense at all. Much of my writings were in another language. A language I couldn’t decipher, let alone understand. The only words, however, that meant something, if anything at all were the two words,TABULA RASA. Clean slate. I guessed the surgery, my new attitude and a second chance at life, miraculously so, has given me a chance to start over. So I’d start my writings using the same notion I had used before my surgery:TABULA RASA.
Today I met the most handsome boy. His blue eyes were riveting and his smile familiar. Zeus, his feisty little dog, made our introduction. I’m so glad the little dog with a big name did! I hope I get to see him again. I want to see him again. He is gorgeous and there is something about him–something I like. But I feel something for Freddie, too. And . . .college? What am I going to do!
I scribbled before closing my journal shut, frustrated by my personal thoughts. According to one of my entries, I applied to The Juilliard School for my undergraduate studies. I was accepted into their program on a small scholarship. Obviously, by my last journal entry, I was not going to Juilliard. In the entry, I noted that I would not allow my mom to give up her retirement funds for me. I scribbled on one corner of the pageRochester here I come!
At sundown, I washed up and sat at my piano caressing the keys without playing them. I knew I loved this instrument. But did I remember how to play? I pressed down on a key. The sound vibrated. Again I pressed down some others, slowly the memory of the instrument unraveled as I played a familiar ballad, ‘Beautiful As You,’ without hindrance and strangely so, thought of the boy in the meadow.
Sometime later, my stomach pained with hunger. I went into the kitchen to heat up some leftover pot roast and potatoes before retreating on the couch. I scanned the channels aimlessly, looking for something to watch. One music channel aired the American Music Awards. It didn’t interest me, therefore, I continued browsing the channels. The Vienna Philharmonic concerto, at the Ballet of the Vienna State Opera appeared on the screen. The orchestra played an enviable performance of Johann Strauss Jr.’s, “The Blue Danube Waltz.” I settled comfortably on the couch, while watching Herbert von Karanjan conduct ensembles of world famous symphonies.
Oddly so, the music ignited some memories. Memories about the Vienna Philharmonic, like a cleardeja vu. This memory stirred familiar feelings, as I had tried several times to explain to Freddie. It was uncanny to think. . .rather know that somehow there was a connection with these unexplainable spurts of memory. And the Philharmonic was one of many. Can they be coincidental or something more, something deeper? A revelation of my past, perhaps?
A silhouette of an angel with magnificent wings stumbled across my mind.Algiz, a voice whispered in my head. I fixated on the figure in my mind repeating the word I had heard somewhere before. I was told that people who suffered near-death experiences, opened a new portal, enabling them to see God or to walk with angels or possibly demons. Some doctors believe the contrary; documenting it as part of the brain’s distention, creating hallucinations caused by a psychosis. For me, the initial explanation suited me best. I am certain that there had been a presence in my life that mattered so much, I was finding it hard to breathe, think or sleep. I searched my journal for the word, ‘Algiz.’There it was, scribbled on a page about some encounter on an empty road before going to Angelica’s Public Library. I stroked the page with my thumb wondering about its meaning.
As these thoughts filled my mind, a melodic voice chanted in my head,I want to enjoy the Vienna Orchestral with you.’ I gasped as the taunts and subtle indications that these voices had messages for me and the visions were not hallucinations. They were genuine. All my emotions, images and instincts were put into perspective. I was certain that there was someone in my life that
affected me in such a way that it would be impossible to forget.
I needed to see Freddie. I needed the truth.
I ran across the bridge onto Freddie’s street. His car was parked in the driveway. I marched up the steps and struck my fist on the front door. Freddie’s mom, Emmalyn, answered the door holding a heavy patch of exotic fabric in her hands. She was an elegant woman with cropped sandy hair that brought definition to her beautiful round face and vibrant blue eyes.
“Hi, Mrs. Albrizio. Is Freddie home? I really need to speak to him.” I said. She sensed my tension. “Of course, Elizabeth, do come in. Should you be out by yourself at this hour?” She asked closing the door behind me. Embarrassed, I shrugged my shoulders.
Freddie’s house was stylish, like Emmalyn. Her decor was as refined as her clothing and mannerism. I’m guessing, the amount time Freddie dedicates to detail over his wardrobe definitely comes from his mother. He was his mother’s son.
“He’s up in his room. Go ahead up.” She smiled courtly and walked into the study to join her husband, Marc.
I darted up the staircase two at a time and headed straight for his room. Before I knocked on his door, I heard his voice faintly speaking to someone. I wasn’t able to make out his words clearly, but I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was upset. I pressed my ear against the door trying to listen in on his conversation.
“What do you mean he slipped away? How did this happen? I thought it was taken care of? Son of a—! Now what do we do? What are we supposed to do with her? How are we supposed to protect thekey from them?” Freddie was silent for some time, making small sounds to let the person on the phone know he was still listening.
“I told you not to get involved like that! Remember what happened last time you let your damn emotions take over!” Freddie snapped.